each other. They keep looking around nervously, as if they expect a basilik to pop up any second and rip
them limb from thimb. A closer listen to the conversation gives away some of the reason for the paranoia...*
Draco: I say we just tell him to fuck off. Let him make his idle threats and use his flashy powers, we just say
no- were done this crap.
Harry: If we piss him off, hes just going to find an even worse fic for us to review!
Draco: ....and then we dont do that one. See the genius of the plan?
Hermione: I see a plan that three year olds use all the time, Draco
Draco: ....and I see a pair of the biggest teeth on earth since Mastadons roamed the world. Shut up.
Hermione: ....
Ron: Couldn’t he just force us to do them?
Tiger: ....yes. He could.
*The four jump, and turn around attempting to feign innocence. They realize that since Tiger in fact *wrote*
the dialogue that they just spoke, its really pointless to pretend it didnt happen, so they simply sigh in
exasperated defeat*
Draco: Are you going to cut our toes off?
Tiger: ....this isnt the Colonial South and you didn’t try to escape my plantation. Stay on track. I’m just
going to give you a new brand of evil to deal with.
Hermione: In other words, you found a weird fic and are too lazy to search for a normal one?
Tiger: ....just for that, your getting an even worse one. Sit down.
*The group reluctantly trudges over to their chairs and sits in front of the projector, which instantly lights
up*
Tiger: I have to warn you... this is much less bad than stupid. Bwahahaha!
*A sudden explosion of smoke highlights his laugh, and when the gaseous swirl dissapears, Tiger has
dissapeared- almost. You see him in the backround, walking to the door, obviously thinking his distraction
would last much longer. He blinks as all four of the ramblers stare at him in disgust, shrugs, and leaves the
room*
Draco: I cant believe we take orders from *him*...
A Young Boy and His Strange Secret
Draco: Usually, Id play porn music at this point, but Im too disgusted with this whole ordeal to try it.
Uncle Vernon
Hermione: Clever chapter title... I wonder why no ones done it before.
Harry: Possibly because its retarded?
Hermione: ...possible.
Harry could see Uncle Vernon was trying to make conversation with him.
Harry: Wow... six seconds out of the gate and we have character inconsistencies. Buckle up, its going to be
a sucky trip.
Possibly it was because they were the only people in the car, because the radio was broken, or Uncle Vernon
had finally lost it.
Ron: Conversation really isnt a qualifiation for the insane. Draco talks all the time, and hes just a prat
Draco: .....I think the author got the Dursleys confused with the Weasleys. Vernon and crew can afford a
new radio when one breaks
Harry settled on the second one. Radio had to be broken. He pushed the power button
Ron: ....because that will have such spectacular effects with a broken collection of wiring.
and instantly was flung back in his seat by the massive sound wave.
Draco: ...all realism has been officially sacrificed for a joke
Hermione: A bad joke
Harry: The sort of joke you might see on UPN
*The group pauses, then shudders*
Ron: Ew... UPN...
"Urgh," he moaned. "Turn it off!"
Draco: Because he obviously cant himself.
Hermione: ...I like how Uncle Vernons driving was apparantly in no way affected
Uncle Vernon hit the button. "Boy, that's been stuck that way for a week!
Harry: ....Boy. They just had Uncle Vernon say ‘Boy’
Draco: Well golly gee, darn, and shucks... thats swell.
Of course, if you didn't go to that school every year, you would know this!"
Harry: Of course Dudley, who goes to Smeltings every year, is well aware of the radio situation.
Harry shrugged. He was used to Vernon's tirades. This was nothing new.
Harry: They think that was a tirade? He tried to starve me to death, and they think that him stating an
obvious and correct fact about my proximity to the radio was a tirade!?
"So, how was school?" asked his uncle.
Hermione: ...sadly, this author would have potential if they didn’t write characters like a bizarro world
cartoon
Harry was stunned. "You care?"
Draco: *Sighs* Yes. Hes enthralled. His mouth is watering at the mere prospect about hearing about your
school year. He lusts after it like he lusts after thirteen year old asian women.
"Not really, but I don't have anything better to talk about. For the love of Pete, I work at a drill-making
company! Is that what you want to talk about, Harry? Do you want to talk about drills?"
Hermione: Hm... that might be funny.
Harry: If it wasnt stolen
Ron: And was delivered at 8 PM on a sitcom
Draco: And completely out of character for anyone in the books, let alone Vernon
Harry shrank back in his seat and moved as close to the door as he could. "N-no sir," he stuttered. "S-school
went fine!"
Harry: Thats right. Vernon babbling like a retard scares the hell out of me
Vernon drove a few more miles, then announced; "we're lost."
Draco: ....last time I checked, the train station you use to get to Hogwarts is in the middle of fuckin’
London. Thats not exactly vast plains of unrecognizable splendor
A pause. "Uncle Vernon, we're in the middle of a main road. Why don't you just read the road m--"
"WE'RE BLOODY LOST!" howled Vernon, shaking the entire car.
Harry: .....*blinks*....
Draco: Well, theres another one of those blatant and idiotic exaggerations
Hermione: And a completely inexplicable statement
"Oh! Right! We're lost!" Harry was proud of himself for catching on so quickly.
Harry: Either I’m incredibly smart, or the author is incredibly stupid. Because I have no idea what the fuck
thats supposed to mean
Hermione and Draco: Ditto.
Ron: I get it!
Draco: No you dont!
Ron: ....youre right, yeah, I dont.
Vernon glowered at him. "Don't you patronize me! I bet you know exactly where we are!"
Hermione: Ah yes, the long forgotten innate skill of wizards- a mental map of the entire fuckin’ planet with a
little moving dot that says ‘You Are Here’
He shook his fist in Harry's direction. "Boy, if you didn't have a deranged, loony, psychopathical
godfather..."
Draco: <Vernon> Then I’d still be the dumbest mother fucker on the planet, because I apparently dont
realize that threatening you would be enough to bring Sirius down on my ass with some serious Avada on
Kedavra action!
Harry knew he should feel angry at this point, perhaps scared, or even a little of both; but he just couldn't
bring himself to feel any of these emotions.
Hermione: Either. You only gave us two options.’
Harry: I understand scared, but what has happened to far that would make me angry? Is the ride bumpy and
I keep slamming my head on the car roof or some shit?
Uncle Vernon's face was the color of grape jelly and the slobber hanging from his mouth really took the
scare factor off.
Draco: ...actually, that sounds pretty fuckin’ scary to me
Harry: It also seems like my Uncle is in serious need of medical attention. Thats the general face someone
makes when choking on an object larger than a baseball
"Ok," Vernon grumbled, "we're not lost. You want to drive?"
Draco: ....well that was weird.
Hermione: And inexplicable
Harry raised his eyebrows. "No, I don't. I'll kill both of us, and besides, I'm too short to reach the gas pedal."
Harry: ...because its not like Im fifteen years old or anything, and only a few months away from driving
legally
Draco: And it isnt like you only need to be five feet tall to reach the gas pedals in cars.
"Ah. Good point." Another pause. "So, when do you think you'll hit your growth spurt?"
Harry: Thats it. From now on, were calling the guy in the car with me Sir Edmund Snaggletooth, if for no
other reason that the *only* thing remotely tying him to me Uncle is the fact they keep calling him it
Harry shot a nervous glance at Vernon. "Er... I-I don't know!"
Hermione: Innane questions terrify you, ne Harry?
Harry: Ne...
"Oh. I thought being a wizard and all, you might..."
Draco: Might what? Control his own growth? Have a psychic idea of exactly when his body is going to
increase in size? What the fuck is your logic!?!?
Harry nodded. "Yeah, that does seem feasible."
Harry: *Sighs* No, Sir Edmund, it does not
Vernon pulled the car over to the side of the road, got out, and put a few coins in the parking meter. He then
got back into the car.
Hermione: Then why the parking meter? Youre not going to get a ticket if your sitting in the god damn
vehicle
"I don't feel like driving right now. In fact, I have had a really bad case of stomach cramps, constipation, and
even a really bad case of gas!"
Harry: ....*sighs*....
Draco: All I need to say is that the ‘even’ is completely unnessesary. Cramps and constipation are both a lot
more severe than gas, so it shouldnt be the surprising part.
Hermione: For the actual content of it.... well, you at home make your own jokes.
Harry quickly rolled down his window. No telling if Vernon was going to play firecracker here.
Draco: Id like to play firecracker in that car... Ive got a nice little sparkler here.
Hermione: ...why do you have a stick of TNT with you?
Draco: ....its convenient to carry around. You never know when you might need it.
"So, what happened last year at Frogwarts?" asked Vernon.
Harry: Frogwarts! Ha! Ha! ....ha! Thats a good one! HA!
Draco: Harry-
Harry: Ha!
Draco: Potter!
Harry: HA!
Draco: WE GET IT! ITS NOT FUNNY! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Harry detected a slight amount of disinterest in the man's voice. "Well, me and the Weasleys went off to the
Quidditch World Cup to watch--"
Harry: What the hell would Sir Edmund know about any of that?
Hermione: ...and what does it have to do with Hogwarts?
"Quidditch? What's that?"
Harry: Its not like my real Uncle Vernon has a fear and hatred of all things odd to him or anything...
"Game... played on broomsticks, four balls, it's too hot outside to go into detail." Harry leaned his seat
backwards.
Draco: Cars have a miracle invention called air conditioning....
"Our team won. Then some bad wizards were messing around with Muggles--"
Draco: *Porn Music*
Hermione: ...thats reaching, Draco
"Is that a kind of drug? Sounds like a pill form..."
Draco: That gets my new award- the only clever line in the entire fic award!
"Eh--" Harry sighed. "Muggles are non-magical people. We make fun of them when no one's around..." he
snickered.
Draco: This explains so much. Harry *enjoys* having his ass beaten. Thats why he randomly supplies
information that’ll get him smacked
"Do you?" asked Uncle Vernon. "Well, I'll be. Me and your father used to do that when we went to
Hogwa--
Hermione: You know, we respect the dignity of you all at home to delve too deeply into that one, so I’ll just
settle for this: he was just asking about things that he would know every detail about had he gone to our
school. Next...
oh no. I didn't go to Hogwarts," he said hastily, upon notice of Harry's aghast look. "Seriously!"
Harry: ...why would that make me ‘aghast’, huh? Its not like he said he went to Nephew raper school or
anything
"Uh," Harry said, trying to end the conversation quickly, "we had a wizard tournament, a couple people
died, an evil dark wizard arose, tried to kill me, I saw my mum and dad--sort of, that's it?"
Hermione: Not a single damn thing you just said would end the conversation in less than sixty three hours
"Sounds good to me. Let's go home. Petunia's making chili and cheeseburgers for dinner!" With this, Vernon
let off a string of methane-filled discharges and happily drove away, leaving Harry to hang his head out the
window.
Draco: Ugh... is it over?
Harry: Its over. Final thoughts?
Draco: Tiger is a sick mother fucker. He throws us off guard with decent grammar, an even word flow... and
then double smacks us with the face the author was a fucking idiot!
Hermione: ...Im going to have to agree with the fucking idiot assessment. Ive seen more maturity on
Nickelodeon, and they have shows known as ‘Extreme Gas’
Ron: Ugh. Thats all I have to say. Ugh. Lets get the hell out of here