The Weasel and the Ferret Draco: Im never going to live that god damn Ferret thing down, am I? Harry: Nope. Ron: Am I the Weasel? Draco: You cant be. Cause that would mean its about you... and... me... FUCK! A/N: Poor Ron, I'm never too terribly nice to him, am I? Hermione: I loved when people did one set of Author Notes at the END of a really long, really good story, or when they were actually needed. Now its like people are having imaginary conversations with their computers. Anyhoos, R/R peeps! Cuz I'm having such a fun time with this one! Hermione: Ugh... ‘Anyhoos’, ‘cuz’, and I am not a ‘peep’ to stupid people Draco: Just as a side note, does anyone notice that her ‘cuz’ is in no way related to her original statement? Chapter One: Moonstruck Harry: Did this suddenly turn into a Lupin story? "Er, Ron?" Draco: Enron? Bad! Harry: You read American newspapers? And its Er-Ron, not En-ron. Draco: *Shrugs* Close enough "Yeah Harry," slurred Ron dreamily Harry: People dont slur when they wake up. They mumble. They slur when their stupid, or druk. . He had just consumed about ten butter beers and was seriously drunk out of his wits. Harry: ....ah Hermione: I was always under the impression that ‘butter beers’ were as non-alcoholic as Ginger ale and root beer. They let us chug it in Hogsmeade! Ron: Why am I dreamy if Im drunk? "Umm, you were just moaning Malfoy's name. Ron: Once again... Im NOT sleeping, and drunk people dont randomly moan peoples names. Especially Malfoys Draco: Because, you know, Id kill them And," he paused uncomfortably, eyes not meeting Ron's goofy gaze, Draco: At least they have an accurate depiction of you. Vapant, alcoholic, slurring, stupid, slutty male fiend. Ron: *Is held down in his dead by Harry as he leaps for Draco* Draco: Hehe... "They weren't bad moans. If you get my meaning." Hermione: Assuming that ‘bad’ moans are the moans of someone injured, why would he say Malfoy in that state? Draco: Whats good about him moaning my name any other way, too? Harry: And WHY are you sitting there so enbued with lust you need to moan? Are you jacking off under your robes or something? This clicked Ron out of his drunken stupor Draco: Contrary to the statements of a LOT of writers, words can not sober you up instantly at that point like telling Villain that she's actually a good writer. Hermione: *Sighs* Thats just sad. Putting yourself into the narration of your stories Harry: Tiger does it constantly... Draco: You mean, like, RIGHT there? Tiger: Hey! Get the hell back to work! Im allowed to in an MST... lousy bastards wonder why I tie them to a chair "What?!" he screeched in terror, face turning as red as his hair. Draco: For that to happen his skin would literally need to burst into flame Ron: Forget that, I dont screech! Hermione: ...well, even if you did, how would you not know what you were moaning? Struggling to remember what he had been dreaming of, only fuzzy pictures came up. Draco: O... k... so we was asleep. Ron: So was I drinking in my sleep? Hermione: And dont people wake up sober, but with a hangover? Harry stepped backwards, a little nervously. Hermione: Incidentally, where are they? If they were sleeping, youd think beds, but you cant step back when lying down Ron noticed that he was up in his dorm room bed. Draco: That is something hed notice, subconsiously, the second he woke up Now, when did he go to bed? All he remembered was winning the Quidditch match against Slytherin and drinking, and drinking, and- Draco: *Sniggers* Yeah right. You arent *on* the Gryffindor team, Weasley. Ron: *Seethes* "Ugh,' he stated quite clearly Draco: You cant say ‘Ugh’ clearly. Its not a word Hermione: I think it was a joke... Draco: Oh. Yeah. A real riot, that. , slumping down on the bed and massaging his aching temples. Hermione: So is he drunk or not? The headaches come *after* you sober up. Harry looked at him wide eyed. "Ron..." He trailed off questioningly. Harry: Why arent I sleeping? "I'm fine," Ron mumbled, getting up and stumbling past his best friend. Harry followed resolutely and took hold of Ron's shoulders. Then he pushed the red head up against the wall and narrowed his glittering green eyes behind his glasses. Harry: Ok... if I was wearing my glasses, I wasnt sleeping. So I was sitting in the room, watching Ron sleep. Hm. Draco: Jesus your a lightweight Ron, if scar-boy here can push you around "Ron, it looks like you've had an accident and I doubt you'd want anyone to see you this way," a small smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth Ron: Oh christ... Hermione: At least Villain was right about not being nice to you... The Weasly looked down and gasped, the front of his robes were wet with a sticky liquid. And with what, he didn't want to know at the moment. Groaning piteously, he sunk to the floor and glared at a now grinning Harry. Ron: All right. Ew. Harry: I really wouldnt thing thats funny... its just gross "Laugh it up, Potter. Draco: Stop trying to be me, Weasley I was NOT thinking of even thinking of thinking of thinking of dreaming in the slightest way of that slimy git! Hermione: Wow. Theres a sentence that only works in written form. How could you.... oh... icky... ack... Harry!!" Draco: *Snorts* Oh... icky... ack? For an alcoholic, your quite the linguist, Weasley. The Boy Who Lived was at the moment struggling with every scrap of common sense and will not to burst out laughing and roll on the floor with complete mirth Harry: ...according to that, my senses of common sense and good will were telling me *to* roll on the floor laughing. . Ron was, after a violent growth spurt that summer, much taller than Harry. Draco: Mwahahaha... Ron: ...? Draco: Just toying with the image with your growth spurt beating the shit outta you. "Oh, come off it Ron! Draco: *Porn Music* Hermione: Your really stretching there... Malfoy has the nicest arse in this school! Harry: *Sighs* One, no, no he doesnt. That would be Cho. Second, when complimenting someones ass, you dont refer to them in a hateful last name I really don't blame you," he tried to sound sympathetic, Hermione: He would only need to sound sympathetic if he did blame him but when Ron started to gag, he broke into a grin Draco: Oh thats nice. Literally gag over my ass. Its not my fault you were moaning about me in your sleep... Ron: Are you actually offended? Draco: Shut up. . "I... gag.... do not think that! Hermione: He actually said ‘gag’? Harry I'm bloody straight as a pole!" Draco: Im thinking a basketball pole. Harry: *Snickers* Ron: Hey! "Well, we know for sure that *something* was," Hermione: Wow. That made so much sense. said Harry wryly, eyeing the wet spot on Ron's robes. Draco: *Snorts!* So *thats* what that was!! Ron: ...oh god.... Hermione: Ew. Harry: Now why the hell would I ever want to bring that up? "You know what! I was probably dreaming of Hermione!!" Ron: This entire fic is filled with land mines for me.... Hermione: Aw, I think it was sweet. Ron: ....really? Hermione: ...no. It was actually kind of perverted. Never do it again Draco: ...I think I love you, Granger "Than why in Merlin's beard Draco: How stupid is that? Do you think in 400 years theyll be saying ‘by Potters nuts’? Hermione: ...as obscene as that was, he has a point. We dont say ‘by Washingtons teeth’. Draco: Whos Washington? Hermione: Never mind. And that should be ‘then’. did you say, and I quote- 'Oh god Draco!'. There's nothing wrong with it Ron, you seemed to be enjoying yourself immensely." Harry: Yes, there is something wrong with it! If there wasnt, I wouldnt have woken him up! "They sound alike," he griped. Hermione: What sounds alike? "That's it, I'm taking a walk! Then maybe I can forgive you for ever saying the sick perverted things that you did! Malfoy? Yeah right! Go off and screw with Neville or something," he grumbled moodily. Draco: Jesus, Weaslet. I never knew you were such a vindictive homophobe. Whats your problem with me physically? Ron: ...well, nothing. Draco: So your attracted to me? Ron: No! Draco: So your a homophobe! Ron: B-but... I... you... Draco: *Checks off ‘Toyed with Weasleys Soul’ on his calendar for today* Harry did nothing but grin again, "Hmm, that does sound like an appetizing idea. Hermione: Ew... Ron: Ew... Harry: Ew... Draco: *Snickers* Are you sure you won't want to join us?" He added slyly. Draco: Reader... just assume we repeated the whole ‘Ew and Snicker’ set again. "You would have to roast in the fires of Hell first," growled his friend in reply, ears still burning red Ron: Did my ears ever *start* burning red? Hermione: And dont they realize there are a lot of different wizard religions that Ron would refer to, not the Muggle Hell? . "Have it your way then. But I do suggest you clean up first," with that and a wink, Harry disappeared down the stairway. Harry: Why am I spending this story acting like a sadistic sex fiend? Ron could of swore that his best friend was swaggering. Draco: Maybe they read your diary, Potter Harry: ...shut up, Draco How dare he, he thought angrily, Malfoy of all people! I'm not gay! Draco: Erm, Ron, I think you have a little homophobism on your chin. Or is it... *Porn Music* Hermione: *Smacks him* When you invent your own porn music situations, its too far Draco: ...that was so completely worth it My God, I'm going out with Hermione! SHE is a GIRL. I am a BOY. Not GAY boy. STRAIT boy. Hermione: ‘Straight’. I hate the internet abbreviations of words. Draco: Rons obviously never heard of bi people. Ron: Why am I ranting like this in my head? You think I could do it without screaming at myself He took his wand from his pocket and cleaned off. Draco: *Porn Music* Then, storming downstairs, he found Hermione out of the crowd of triumphant faces and kissed her rather passionately, gaining catcalls and whistles from his brothers. Ron: ...good lord see me throught this Draco: Wow. Your pulling off the act of the drunken idiot to a T. Hermione: And Rons brothers are being quite the perverts. Hermione shoved him off, and gave him a disgruntled look. Hermione: Do they know what disgruntled even means? "Ron! I'm *studying*! And please, not in front of everyone, that is unsavory." Draco: Thats quite the loving girlfriend you have there, Weasley. So lets hear, how much are you paying her? Ron: Hey! Hermione: ...I would never call being kissed ‘unsavory’ unless it was you Draco, be sure of that Draco: *Raises an eyebrow* What about Snape? Hermione: Thats just disgusting. "Aw, sorry Hermione, my GIRLFRIEND and LOVE. Harry: (Hermione) Stop screaming in my face you stupid git! I just can't resist your utter FEMALENESS." Ron: ....*sighs* Draco: Moving on, from that bizarre and idiotic statement He said this, ignoring Hermione's look, eyes glued on Harry, making sure that the raven haired boy heard every single word clearly, as well as everybody else in the room. Draco: Arent you still in your sticky robes? Hermione: No ones going to believe you anyway. Your drunk. They all stared and Harry cocked an eyebrow, giving Ron his annoying knowing half smile. Draco: Potters acting like me, without all the genius baggage... He was nestled comfortably in Neville's lap as the other Gryffindor played with the clasp on his crimson Quidditch robes. Harry: Speaking of which, what position is Ron supposed to be playing? Wood and Angelina are the only ones who left, I think. Draco: Cute attempt at getting us to forget Neville, lover boy Harry: Damnit. Then, shooting Harry one last dark and accusing look, he exited the common room, leaving his peers to their festivities and Harry to his little..... gaynessecity. Draco: Im lost. Why is a homophobe writing slash? Hermione: Writing it poorly, I might add Ron harumphed grumpily and stalked down the hall. He didn't know where he was going, just somewhere he could think. Hermione: I dont know, maybe the library? Dont you ever pay attention to me? The Owlery! Hermione: Ah yes. Because. You know. Hooting owls, raging heat, and bird crap falling on your head is better than tables, chairs, fires places, and books. He turned own another hall and came to a door leading outside. Harry: Im pretty sure the Owelry is inside. Looking to see if anyone was about and seeing that it was clear, he stole across the ground Draco: Sheesh. Breaking even more rules, Weasley to the huge Owlery and stepped inside, shutting the door quietly behind him and pricking his ears for any sound. Harry: It never shuts up in thr Owelry. As far as he could tell, no none else was in the compound. Good. Draco: *Snickers* Compound? You make it sound like a branch of right wing militant owls are flying around with steel wings, shooting shit. He sat down heavily and whistled for Pig. The little owl recognized the call and flapped down, dive bombing into Ron's red hair and hooting spastically. Hermione: I know its nit-picking, but you cant dive bomb and flap at the same time. Ron: That damn tennis ball with feathers never comes when I call anyway Laughing, the boy patted the owl and started to talk to him. Draco: (Ron) *Speaking through a massive hole in the side of his head shaped like Pigwidgeon* Cheerio, you stupid little fucker.... "Hey, Pig. No, no letter now boy. Just come to," he paused, Harry: Can anyone make the slightest sense out of that? Hermione: Well, he said hi.... Draco: Hm. I think he said he wasnt giving it a letter. Ron: And maybe he passed out and Im trying to get him to come to consiousness? stroking Pig's soft patch of down under his wing, Hermione: That is so close to sounding pornographic "think about stuff I suppose." Leaning his head back, he gazed out one of the many openings to the starry night sky. Draco: Erm, yes. There are holes in the roof of the Owelry. You know, so the owls can freeze, and fly away whenever they wish, so not to be there when needed. Mm-hmm. "You know what, Pig? Harry said I was dreaming about someone. But it can't be *him*, can it?" Harry: Actually, I said you were moaning about someone Draco: (Pigwidgeon) Well, first of all, I cant talk, so all youre hearing is a weird ‘hoot sound’ right now. Second, you never told me who ‘him’ is. My brain is the size of a quarter and Im smarter than you He asked the little owl, who hooted in reply, nipping at his master's fingertips. Draco: You people need to train your damn birds not to bite you, I swear to god Just then, Ron heard the quiet flutter of wings and saw a large owl sore out of an opening. The owl looked oddly familiar and he noticed a package tied to it's leg. That must mean that someone else- Draco: No, that doesnt mean someone else is in the building. Maybe the owl brought the package back to the owelry to deliver the next morning. Duh. Hermione: For not being able to see when you have a smudge on your nose, you sure have good eyes to recognize an owl in the dark. "Well, if it isn't the Weasel," an all too familiar voice drawled from behind him. Draco: *Snarls* I dont drawl. And Im not stupid to make the Weasel comment after that bastard Moony... Ron turned slightly, only to see Draco Malfoy, standing proudly in the middle of the compound Harry: What exactly is he so proud about in the middle of the night? Draco: Probably that I have clean robes and a *real* owl. , arms resting akimbo, sneer fixed as always on his dashing face. And for some terribly reason, Harry: ...terribly reason? Hermione: *Sighs* I think they mean terrible. Ron felt a slight pressure in his chest. A flutter. Ron: Please be a heart attack. Please be a heart attack. Draco: Please let him be having a heart attack. Please let him be having a heart attack. Draco raised an eye brow and stepped closer. He was still dressed in his Quidditch robes and his hair mussed. He loooked like moonstruck Angel. He looked just like he had in....... the dream. Draco: ...........Please let him be having a heart attack. Please let him be having a heart attack. Ron's mouth opened into a small O of horror at this realization. Hermione: I *hate* that expression. No ones mouth actually forms into an O unless they have a popsicle in their mouth or something Draco: *Porn Music* Hermione: I hate that tape even more than I hate you. He gawked openly at the silver haired Slytherin Draco: My hair is blonde, Weasley. Just because its not the shade of sun cooked apples doesnt mean its gray. standing confidently in front of him and knew, with crumbling remorse, that Harry had been right. Hermione: He already knew Harry was right, because hed only talked about the moaning Harry: Well, and the stickyness. Hermione: Yes. And the stickyness. "Aw, bloody hell!" Hermione: That *really* should have been a thought A/N: Heh heh. Like it, hate it? Tell me paweeez! Harry: Hate it Hermione: Hate it Ron: Hate it Draco: Hate it, despite how much of a jackass it made of Weasley ~*Villain*~ Harry: Final thoughts Draco: Rons a dick Harry: ...final thoughts on the story? Draco: Ron wanted dick. Harry: Lets move on. Ron? Ron: ...Dracos a dick. Hermione: *Sighs!* Let me. It was disgusting, with plot holes, mis facts, no romantisism, and a really stupid lapse in them allowing Ron back into Hogwarts drunk. Harry: Thank you.