Falcon: So go over this again... *** Scarr: So go over this again... *** Clara: So go over this again... *** Tiger: Look, its very simple. Pennsylvania is cold to the point of hypothermic right now. Normally, even with my incessant shorts wearing, this wouldn’t be a problem. However, as things currently stand I have a feeling Id be a little too cold to survive in that state right now. Griffon: By ‘as things currently stand’ Im assuming you’re referring to- Tiger: -the current exploded state of my apartment, yeah. Falcon: Oh, do you *really* need to bring that up again? I mean God, it was an honest mistake that anyone on the planet could have made Tiger: Oh, really? Falcon: Oh! Really! Tiger: So just because we have a Fight Club every few weekends in the basement, you naturally assume you need to start mixing nitroglycerin in my bath tub? Falcon: Basically, yeah. Tiger: ....*sighs* * The three dedicated ramblers are walking easily through the fun and sun of California, decked out in the typical tourist gear of sunglasses and sandals. Unfortunately, in Griffons case, that’s almost all he’s decked out in- the only exception being a far too small pair of bright blue swimming trunks. His two companions are dressed far more prudently, Falcon in his usual Adidas shilling gear- a sleeveless T-shirt and a pair of soccer shorts- and Tiger in khaki shorts, the T-shirt he had been wearing upon arrival now wrapped around his waist like a belt* Falcon: You know, you should be thanking me anyway. Look where we are! Its great here Tiger: Hm. You’re right. Im so sorry I didn’t think to be grateful that because you blew up my apartment, stole my credit card and made a call to the airlines on my cell phone; we’ve ended up as far as humanly possible from my home without leaving the country, with the exception of two states. Falcon: Its Ok. Just try not to be so selfish next time. *** Scarr: How exactly is this supposed to save my university grade? Pip: Its not! Its supposed to save your spirit. That place, it was choking you. What with all the testing, and homework, and- Scarr: -and requirements for clothing? Pip: A-and requirements for clothing. Sure. Why not? * The two are- as if there was any doubt- far more fashionably dressed than the trio of males who are walking, coincidentally enough, on the very same boardwalk as they. Though they may be drawing less looks than the almost airtight packages package of Kevin Griffey, the glances they do get are far more pleased with the results of their ocular efforts* Scarr: So basically, you fly to Singapore and kidnap me under the cover of darkness and- may I say- one incredible cute ninja outfit. Pip: Mm-hmm. Scarr: And none of this has anything to do with the fact you don’t want to go boardwalk shopping alone. Pip: Of course it doesn’t! I mean... I.... oh, what the hell. Just tell me if you see anything on sale Scarr: Will do. *** Clara: Its about a million degrees out. Your sandals have been giving you a blister for weeks. You bumped your knee on a metal desk the other day and even though it remains physically unmarked, you’re fairly sure its been shattered to a million pieces. With all this, you decided to work off your bad mood by *running* * Out of the six focal points of this ramble, Clara is the only one who is currently alone, ranting angrily at herself as she jogs down the boardwalk that stands just a quarter mile from her house. She figures with the calories worked off with the run a boardwalk ice cream cone wouldn’t be entirely out of the question, so at least something in this little excursion would end in bringing her actual cheer* Clara: If, that is, my legs don’t snap like toothpicks first. Stupid sandals... woah! * Off to Claras right, an unusually tanned surfer is currently hopping around on one foot, clawing frantically at the other one in an effort to remove the offending piece of spiked coral that has seemed to latch on like a mouse trap. This little display catches the amusement of not only Clara, but also of the trio of poor excuses for masculinity and the duo of out of state shoppers, who are all watching the man jump around as opposed to the usual thing- the space right in front of them* * All things considered, it isn’t really surprising that the six walkers smacked into each other like a group of football players diving for a stumble, and end up with their backs resting quite uncomfortably on the hard wood of the boardwalk* Tiger: Oww... what the flying fuck? * A very active but equally incompetent lacrosse player, Tiger is the most used to taking a hit of the six, and is the first to sit up rubbing his head painfully. He glances around in surprise at the mass of humanity that encircles him* Tiger: Whoops. Uh... sorry you three. Griffon: Its Ok man, Ill be fine * Tiger shoots an irritable glance at his scantily clad friend* Tiger: I wasn’t talking to you ya big baby. We just wiped out three girls. Pip: Oh, and because were girls you naturally assume we got the worst of it? * Tiger blinks in surprise at Pip, who is not only recovered from the hit but back on her feet. She looms above him with a mean look in her eye, and after his gaze makes the rather slow travel from toe to waist to neck to face, he realizes that fact * Tiger: I didn’t mean that! I just meant- Pip: Yeah, yeah. Im sure you didn’t mean at all to act like your mighty penises protect you from collision. Sheesh. Tiger: ...don’t I know you? * Pip blinks* Pip: I really don’t think this is the time to start throwing out random pick up lines. * Rising to his feet and snickering a little bit to Tigers left is Falcon, who seems to be a lot more amused by the whole situation than his friend* Falcon: Seriously, kid, show a little tact. I- * Falcons eyes meet with Pips, and then widen considerably* Falcon: Don’t I know you? Pip: Oh, great, now you’re doing it! * The last of the three to reach his feet is Griffon, who seemed to be on the verge of tears until he realized absolutely no one was paying attention to him anyway, at which point he instantly straightened up * Griffon: No, they’re right! You’re missing the cat collar, but I’ve seen pictures! Pip! Pip: I... * Pips eyes waver uncertainly* Pip: Yeah. That’s me. But who are... * It doesn’t take long for Pip to do the basic counting in her head. Three guys, each one blatantly filling one of the three different sexual orientations * Pip: Griff! Tiger! Fal! * The three males who were so recently being verbally assaulted find themselves in a crushing hug, which they manage to stumble out of only when Pip releases the embrace* Pip: I cant believe this! What are you three doing here? Tiger: Well its sort of a funny- Scarr: Ah-HEM! * Not very well traveled, Tiger only knows about five people who don’t live in America, and only one of those happens to be female. Even so, it takes the spiky haired youth quite a bit of time before his eyes light up with recognition * Tiger: Scarr! * This time the huge is from him, though it clearly contains less upper body strength than did the one of Pip * Falcon: Wait... who? Tiger: Guys, this is Scarr. She’s sort of like you, Falcon, but contains actual talents. Scarr, this is Brian Smith and Kevin Griffey! * The three exchange quick nods of greeting, but are interrupted further by an angry snort from somewhere around their knees* Clara: So we’ve stumbled into the paradox of human probability, and Im the only one nobody recognizes? * There’s a brief pause as Tiger, Scarr, and Pip all allow their jaws to drop in surprise * Tiger, Scarr, Pip: CLARA! * In a mix of helping hand and hugs, they manage to haul the female writer back to her feet, and exchange quick introductions between her and Griff and Falcon.* Clara: So what are you all doing here? Tiger: Well, my house got blown up... Scarr: And I was kidnaped from my bed. Clara: Oh. I... I live here. Tiger: Well, its not nearly as episodic as our reasons, but it’s a lot more believable. This is so cool! Frankly, I didn’t expect to meet any of you until my world wide best selling book tour took me through your cities! * The three girls all fix Tiger with a long stare* Tiger: Hey! Im optimistic. Falcon: Right... not that seeing Tiger make an ass out of himself isn’t wildly amusing, and not that these chance meetings with two people I’ve never even heard of aren’t fun, but this is California, and if Im not mistaken, that is a beach right there. May I suggest we go get on it? Pip: Yes! Beach! Sand! Water! Griffon: ...are you hyperventilating? Pip: ...Bitchy! Homo! * Instead of getting offended, Griff cracks a grin, but before he can respond further he notices something over the shoulder of the currently stammering Pip* Griffon: Oh... looky! *The group turns to follow the excitedly pointing finger of Kevin, only to discover a small wooden shop which is crammed, almost floor to ceiling, with surfboards* Falcon: Woah. If that’s not coincidence bordering on absurdity I don’t know what is Griffon: Well yeah, but terrible writing aside, There’s surfboards! Here! AND surf. And I highly reccomend we put the two together. How about it? Falcon: It involves serious potential for physical exhaustion and pain. Hell, Im up for it. Pip: I guess I can give it a try Tiger: Yay! Surfing! Scarr: Mark me down for a much less enthusiastic, but still positive, reaction than Tiger Clara: I don’t know... Griffon: So we’re all decided! And since Clara lives here, she can teach us! Clara: But I- Griffon: Lets go! * Like kids in a candy store, or Falcon in a munitions shop, the group goes charging towards the shop with wallets in hand. Where Griffon was storing his- or how he got it out in public without offending anyone- is a question best left to the ages. Only Clara remains at her spot on the boardwalk, staring after them with her hands on her hips* Clara: But I don’t know how to surf, damnit! *** * The gang, now equipped with brand new surfboards and far less actual money, make their way towards the beach with varying levels of enthusiasm. Despite their initial rush, actually facing the reality of having to ride waves with a piece of foam is starting to hit home on some of them* Griffon: That’s... that’s a lot of water Falcon: Well yeah. I mean, it is the ocean Griffon: But I mean that’s a *lot* of water Falcon: Once again. Ocean. Besides, so what? Griffon: Im afraid of water! * Falcon fixes Griffon with a disbelieving stare* Falcon: You’re the one who suggested we do this! Griffon: Well yeah, but the ocean looks a lot bigger up close... Falcon: We were, like, twenty feet back! How much smaller could it possibly have been? Griffon: Shut up! Leave me alone! *Griffon stalks a few feet away and plants his board- for sheer stereotypical sake, lets say it was purple- in the sand and sits in front of it* Griffon: Ill watch you guys from here, inside my protective shadow of fear. Falcon: Jesus... * With his board tightly in hand, Falcon turns back to face the water with a look of irritation- that quickly turns to a look of narrowed concentration. Something seems to have drawn the concentration of Brian Smith, and for once its holding it tight. Tiger, holding an orange and black striped surfboard, notices this with mild trepidation * Tiger: Something wrong their, Bird-Boy? Falcon: I saw a shadow. Tiger: ...yeah, I see a lot of them. Falcon: This wasn’t just any old shadow. Tiger: Oh yeah? What was it a shadow of? * Falcon points resolutely at his board, which has been both cut and painted into the shape of a streamlined great mako shark. Groaning, Tiger rolls his eyes* Tiger: Don’t tell me you’re not getting in now either! Falcon: Look, Im perfectly happy with all my limbs functional. I believe Ill keep them that way. *With that being said, Falcon plants his board in the sand next to Griffons and sits down, utterly ignoring the beaming grin of the already sitting Kevin* Tiger: For the love of... * As the rest of the crew snickers quietly at Falcon and Griffon, Tiger marches into the water and smacks down his board, taking a deep breath before trying to clamber aboard. A moment later, Tiger and board alike are airborne as it rips out from under his feet and sends him plunging into the waters, to the great amusement of the currently dry ramblers* Scarr: Hehe! Tiger fall down and go boom. * Feeling confident that at least now she wont be the worst of the group, Scarr treads into the water and goes to get on her board. Instead of flipping out from under her feet it sinks down between her legs, flipping her forward like an acrobat and smashing her down into the waters. She resurfaces a moment later, coughing and sputtering, and faced with the vindictive smile of Tiger* Tiger: Hah! Looks like my suckiness has an echo. * On the beach, Pip and Clare share glances * Pip: After that, I really don’t know if we should try this. Clara: Yeah, but I’ve always wanted to ride a really big cock, so we should try it. * Claras board, in case you didn’t put it together, has been painted to resemble an incredibly adequate phallus. Its what we like to call ‘Tiger-sized’, in the industry. That industry would of course be one of hopeless delusion* * The two girls tread out into the water, waiting for the next wave. Clara tries first, and at least manages to stay on her board throughout the entire display. Pip follows suit, but somehow manages to skim the surface of the water perfectly, actually riding the wave as if it were nothing and landing happily vertical afterwards* Pip: Hey! I’ve never even surfed before, and Im doing it perfectly! I wonder if There’s a word for people like that? Clara: Yeah. I think its bitch. *Pip grins* Pip: Eh-heh... *** *And so the afternoon goes on. Falcon spends his time sending Griffon into various levels of hysterics with tales of monster sharks. Pip continues to surf effortlessly, to the point that She’s bored with the actual act but still highly amused with the failures of her friends. Clara progresses as a normal first timer, while Tiger and Scarr have yet to make it onto their boards without some sort of crushing crash into the sand and surf* Tiger and Scarr: This sucks! Pip: Oh come on.... its not that bad. * The two give her a scalding glare* Pip: ... well its not! Clara: Pips right, this is fun. I am getting kind of tired though. Maybe just one more good one? * Suddenly, a shadow falls over the group. They spin around to see the source, only to see a massive wave heading inland, bordering on Tsunami sized. A small whimper is heard from the beach courtesy of Griffon, while Falcon raises his sunglasses in surprise * Falcon: Will *that* do? * Without even waiting for an answer, he leaps up to his feet and starts racing towards the water, eager to catch the unbelievable wave* Tiger: You don’t have you surfboard! Falcon: Don’t need it! * With no time to try to figure out what the hell is meant by that, Tiger turns in a feeble attempt to meet the wave, which is just about to crash on their heads * Tiger: ...eep. *** * About thirty feet from shore, the shattered remains of a pair of surfboards lie. A little to the left of those lies the shattered remains of their former owners, Scarr and Tiger. The two blink, but even that is painful* Scarr: And this is better than University... how? Tiger: God only knows. I got thrown out my apartments window by a nearly nuclear explosion and it didn’t hurt this bad. * Nearby, Pip and Clara glide gracefully into shore, looking shaken but overjoyed* Pip: I still have no idea how I did that. Clara: Who cares? *I* did that! I cant believe I did that! *From somewhere under a pile of seaweed and sand, a feeble coughing sound is heard. The pile stirs, and then disappears completely as Griffon, looking thoroughly shaken, pops up from beneath it. His entire body has been scraped and bruised by the battering of the wave* Griffon: And people wonder why Im afraid of water... * He glances to the right, only to come face to face with the dead, soulless eye of a shark* Griffon: AGH! * His scream is cut short as he realizes its only a surfboard. Breathing hard and clutching his chest, he turns to his left, only to see another dead and soulless eye, which also happens to be of a shark. He giggles feebly, before passing out* * On top of the shark sits Falcon, who has a death grip on its fin and a wild grin on his face* Falcon: You know, if you would have told me a year ago Id end a ramble sitting on top of a shark that I rode to shore like a surfboard, Id have said you were crazy. Now I realize you’re just a wildly incompetent writer. *End*