know that there is no way in hell its going to last. The entire crew is in the apartment, lying around in
various states of relaxation. Tiger looks specifically content, as he lies on his back with his hands tucked
behind his head, basking in the heat given off by the lit fireplace that has appeared in his apartment solely to
give him a place to be laying by. Deal with it.*
*Woody is fast asleep on the warn out couch, while Tini and Royce argue pointlessly over what order the
Christmas colors should be spoken in. Pac is sitting in a corner, slowly nibbling on a piece of pizza, watching
the two argue with futile hopes that somehow jello and a cat fight will get involved. Falcon and Griffon are
watching the tiny black and white TV in the corner, and the scrambled image across the screen occasionally
betrays a fleshy object that they are seeking*
Falcon: Stripes... why the fuck don’t you just pay the 19.99 a month for this?
Griffon: Honestly. I steal at least that much from you to buy porn with, and that’s on a weekly basis.
*Tiger suddenly looks up, blinking*
Tiger: You what?
Griffon: ...nothing
*Further questions are cut off as Royce and Tini storm into the center of the room, standing directly in the
three males line of vision. Pac quickly follows, finishing off his crust and tossing it to the side, where it lands
on Woody’s face and stuns him awake with a snort*
Woody: What the-
Tini: Silence. We have a question. Is it said red and green-
Royce: -or green and red?
Falcon: ...is *what* said red and green, or green and red?
Tini: Christmas colors.
Falcon: Um... I think it works either way.
Tini: No. It does not. Which is it?
*Falcon blinks*
Falcon: ... red and green?
Tini: Hah!
Royce: Bullshit! *Turns to Pac* Which is it!?
Pac: ....um... which one did you want again?
Royce: ...*sighs and turns away* Griffon? Woody? Tiger?
Griffon: Green and red.
Tiger: Red and green.
Woody: Green and red.
Royce: Haha! So that means... um... um...
Tini: That means its a tie, idiot.
Royce: I knew that!
Tini: ...sure. You know, we need to figure this out soon, there’s only about six minutes left until midnight!
Falcon: ...I wasn’t aware that knowing the colors in the correct order was required for Christmas to occur.
Tini: Well it is. So someone needs to change their answer.
Pac: Wait! Royce wanted green and red, right? That means I want-
Tini: Shut up. Your vote doesn’t count. You can’t afford Christmas colors anyway.
*Pac blinks*
Pac: ...what the hell does that even mean?
Tini: You’ll understand it when you aren’t so poor.
Woody: Screw it, I’ll change my vote.
Tiger: Yeah, me too.
Royce: ...
Tini: You can’t do that!
Tiger: Fine! Ill change it back!
Woody: Me too!
Tini: ....
Royce: Ugh, forget it... *looks at watch*... four minutes until presents. Four minutes until presents. Four
minutes until presents.
Falcon: *Switches off the TV, drawing an angry look from Griffon* If you care that much, we can just do it
now. This ‘secret Santa’ thing violates everything I was brought up to believe about Christmas anyway, so
its not like timing issues matter.
Tiger: ...what exactly were you brought up to believe about Christmas?
Falcon: I forget. Something about blue blankets and it not being such a bad tree after all. Fuck it, lets just
grab our gifts...
*The ramble crew quickly rushes over the aluminum pole that they are using in place of a tree, thanks to
Woody’s devout celebration of Festivus, and grab the single, poorly wrapped parcel that happens to have
their name on it. Well, that’s what they do when Falcon, under many accusing glares, puts back the three or
four extras he got*
Royce: Oh! Oh! Me first!
*Royce quickly tears into small package- and no, we don’t mean Lucia’s- and throws the paper away,
revealing a small box- and no, we don’t mean hers- with row after row of medical text written on it. She
stares at in shock for a moment*
Royce: Birth control pills. Who in the *hell* got me birth control pills?
Pac: *Slowly inches backwards from the group*
Tiger: *Wanting to avoid confrontation, quickly snatches up his gift* Here, my turn now! Its... its... an
envelope. *He slowly opens it* One hundred dollars has been donated in my name to the Humans Fund.
*Tiger pauses*
Tiger: ....you know, I’m not so much insulted that whoever drew my name gave me a phony gift. Its the fact
they didn’t put enough effort into it to *not* steal it from Seinfield... that just cuts to the bone.
Falcon: *Shrugs* Don’t look at me, I drew Pac’s name...
*Lucia’s ear suddenly perks up*
Falcon: ...oh. Right. Secret. I, of course, meant that I did *not* draw Pac’s name... and only mentioned it to
begin with to make conversation. Obviously.
*The group sighs*
Falcon: ...right. *Tears open his package* Woah! Woody! Thanks!
Woody: No problem dude.
Tini: *Cranes her neck to get a better look* How did you know he got it for you? Did he sign it? And what
the hell is it?
Falcon: ...um... Oregano. For seasoning, um, my world famous... Oregano Cookies.
Royce: Oregano cookies?
Falcon: ...yes. You should try one sometime. Theyre breath taking.
Woody: Not to mention relaxing...
Falcon: Shut up! Sweet Jesus...
Royce: *Glares at Pac* Have you ever sampled one of those cookies?
Pac: ...*looks to the side*... look! My present! Yay! *Pac snatches up his package, which makes a
distinctive rattling sound as he does so* Uh... Falc. I think its broken.
Falcon: Um... yes... broken.
Pac: ...*tears open package, to reveal a stack of pennies*...
Falcon: Figured Id triple your yearly income.
Pac: I hate you. With every fibre of my being.
Falcon: Ditto.
Griffon: Come on... there is way too much hate and anger in the room right now. Its Christmas, and its time
for love. Tini, I’ll just come out and say it- I was your secret Santa.
Tini: Really? Yay!
*Tini dives for her present, which is wrapped sloppily in the Sunday cartoons, and fastened with a barrage
of duct tape and staples. Despite being closed tight with enough steel to melt down and make the rims of a
car, she gets it open quickly, and stares at it for a moment*
Tini: ...a video tape?
Gabriel: A home made video tape.
Tini: *Blinks*
Gabriel: ....a special home made video tape.
Tini: I don’t get it? Did you record Boys Don’t Cry for me or something?
Gabriel: ...a special home made video tape that you shouldn’t watch with pregnant women or people with
heart conditions near by.
Tini: ...I still have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.
*Rolling his eyes, Gabriel scurries across the room and leans down to Tini, whispering something quickly in
her ear. The rest of the ramble crew watch with various levels of amusement as her eyes suddenly go wide,
and a grin splits her face*
Tini: Your kidding... nine!?
Gabriel: Nine.
Tini: ...this feels so wrong on Jesus’ birthday, but thank you very much
Gabriel: No problem. Besides me, who’s left?
*Woody raises his and*
Woody: Yo...
*He grabs his present, which is wrapped in orange and black striped paper, easily giving away the identity of
his secret Santa. That, and the small ‘from Tiger’ scrawled in black marker on the package.*
Woody: *Shaking it* Hm... no gentle rustle, no pungent aroma, no pepper lacing to throw off the dogs at
security checks... if this doesn’t rhyme with ‘soul, or song’, I think I’m going to very disappointed.
Tini: Like you need to lose any more brain cells...
Woody: *Glares over* Hey, I wouldn’t say you needed to lose any more blood, but obviously *thats* about
to start up sometime next week, isn’t it?
Tini: Why you son of a-
Tiger: Hey! Hold it! Jesus fuck... open your present, big man, and leave off the period jokes
Woody: All I’m saying is in seven days she could get to third base with every vampire on the planet...
Tini: HEY!
*Tini springs out of her seat, ready to tear Woody’s throat out. His chemical dulled reflexes don’t kick in
until a moment later, and he hastily tries to stumble to his feet*
Tiger: Enough!
*Tini and Woody freeze*
Tiger: Its Christmas, and I’m officially allowed to go get my permit to drive today. The last thing I need is to
have that postponed because I had to kill you two idiots!
Royce: ...I thought you could get your permit when you turned sixteen...
*Tiger winces*
Tiger: There was an incident with a tube sock, my fathers BMW, and sixteen poor unfortunate cows. I don’t
like to discuss it.
Falcon: It was gross...
Tiger: I said I don’t like to discuss it!
Falcon: There was milk everywhere!
Tiger: Falcon!
Falcon: I’m just saying a cracked windshield covered in white and red isn’t that appealing-
Tiger: Shut up! God, I hate all of you! Especially you!
*Tiger randomly points his finger at Pac, who was sitting quietly and innocently in the corner. Pac blinks*
Pac: ...what did I do?
Tiger: ...don’t know. But it was bad. Now everyone take a seat, shut the fuck up, so Woody can open his
present.
*Gradually, reluctantly, the assembled group complies. Woody tears open his present*
Woody: Woah! Fritos! I stand corrected... and over joyed.
Tiger: Batteries aren’t included, if you get my meaning...
*Falcon raises his hands*
Falcon: I’ve got a dime bag of triple A’s right here that I’ll be willing to split with you if you split those
chips with me.
Woody: Deal.
*The two jump to their feet and run to leave, stopped as Tini grabs the back of both their shirts*
Tini: No weed on Christmas! Sit down!
Woody: *Mutters and sits. Falcon soon follows*
Griffon: Hey, look, my present now... ‘Gabriel’. Its labeled to Gabriel. Who the fuck is Gabriel?
Tini: You.
Griffon: Me?
Tini: You. Don’t believe me, read the ramble. Tiger wrote your name as Gabriel about a dozen times.
Griffon: Son of a bitch....
Tini: Deal with it. And open your present, it was expensive!
Tiger: ...well there goes all illusion of secrecy, yet again.
Griffon: *Rips the package open, revealing a purple scarf* Oh...
Tini: What’s wrong? I figured that would save you the time of rejecting curious girls in public!
Griffon: ...you know, I do date girls too.
Tini: Who wants to see that??
Griffon: ...*sighs*... I also already have three or four purple scarves
Falcon: *Snorts* Typical...
Griffon: You know what, fuck y-
Tiger: Birthday presents! We need birthday presents!
Woody: We?
Tiger: ...I. I need birthday presents.
*The group disperses, going to various hiding places in the apartment, and come back with an assortment of
packages. They lay them down, one after one, in front of him, and they all hit the ground with a resounding
clank. Looking stunned in the apparent heavy weight of every present, Tiger quickly rips open the one from
Tini*
Tiger: Weights! Cool! I only have enough to max out at 150 right now! Now I can do 200!
Tini: Any time...
Tiger: How’d you know, any way?
Tini: ...you’ve been bitching about it for weeks.
Tiger: Ah yes. Thank you. And now... more presents!
*Tiger opens the gift from Woody, and is shocked to discover it is more weights*
Tiger: Oops... maybe I shouldn’t have asked for these from everyone, I’m just not used to more than one of
you paying attention to me
*He opens Pacs*
Pac: Eh heh...
Tiger: ...weights...
*He opens Griffons, Falcons, and Royces in a flurry of wrapping paper, remembering the loud thud sounds
and fearing the worse*
Tiger: Weights, weights, weights! Jesus fuck, do you people expect me to lift six hundred pounds!?
Pac: Its all Woodys fault! He told me to get you them!
Woody: ...I tend to forget things that recently happened. You should know that already. Stop listening to
me!
Falcon: Tini, I thought you said you were getting him porn...
Tini: I was going to! But there was this guy working at the store wearing shorts that only covered half of his
ass...
Griffon: So? What’s wrong with that?
Tini: ...they were long shorts
Griffon: EW!
*The group shudders*
Royce: How come when I asked all of you what you were getting, you said you didn’t know!?
Falcon: Because you cant keep a secret!
Royce: Oh that’s reeeeal upsetting coming from an ex convict!
Woody: Ooo, I didn’t know the princess had something against people who weren’t raging pussies!
Pac: Hey, watch it ass hole!
Griffon: You watch it, breeder!
Tini: Hey! I breed!
*All of the group save Tiger breaks into a wild, raging fight, where wrapping paper is thrown, furniture is
over turned, and insults are hurled wildly around the room.*
Falcon: Slash sucks!
Tini: Weed sucks!
Royce: Jail time sucks!
Pac: Pink sucks!
Woody: Pizza sucks!
Griffon: Breeding Sucks!
*The group pauses, and then in one angry, offended motion, turn tail and leave the room in different
directions, slamming various doors, window sills, and even a flap to let Tiger’s recently deceased cat out-
behind them, leaving the birthday boy alone in the room*
Tiger: *Blinks* Well...
*Suddenly, he realizes that no one took their presents with them. Idly, he steps over the weights, scoops up
the Fritos, and grabs Falcon’s new bag of special herbs. He looks around for a moment, and then walks into
his room, closing the door behind him*
Tiger: God bless us, every one...