Pac are standing around a piece of pizza thats lying upside down on the street, screaming at each other loud
enough that they can be heard at the very least a few dozen miles in every direction. Woody in particular,
whos serving a routine over nighter on the other side of town, is awaken by the noise, mumbles angrily, and
falls back to sleep*
Royce: Fuck you!
Pac: No, fuck you!
Royce: No! Fuck you!
Pac: I already told you it was an accident!
Royce: I dont care! Do you think a cop would care if you shot his partner ‘by accident’!?
Pac: ...I dont think this is as bad as shooting a cop!
Royce: Oh *yeah*!?
*The shot pans down to the fallen piece of pizza, obviously the cause of the confrontation, and goes back up
to the two*
Pac: Oh. Yeah.
Royce: ...you know, if you can stare at that fallen piece of delicious italian delicacy, and it doesn’t break
your heart, then obviously we werent doing what I thought we were doing!
Pac: We werent! I dont even like pizza! I made it up! I just wanted to hit some!
Royce: ......heathen!
Pac: Lighten up, ok! Its just pizza!
Royce: Just pizza? Just pizza?! Thats it! Were broken up! Forget you!
*Royce turns on her heel and goes sprinting down the street, crying. Pac watches her go, blinking in
surprise, and then kicks the piece of pizza angrily, sending it flying.*
Pac: ......fuck.
***
Tiger: Im telling you Tini. Youre insane. Its about rape.
Tini: Its not about rape!
Tiger: I think it is. I really think it is.
Tini: Well it isnt, so go screw yourself!
Tiger: It is!
Falcon: ...what the hell are you two talking about?
Tini: This poem. I think its about murder.
Tiger: And I think its about rape.
Falcon: ...uh, didnt Tini write it?
Tini: Yes!
Tiger: ...so?
Tini: ....
*Falcon takes the poem, and begins to read it*
Tiger: So? Is it about rape?
Tini: Or murder?
Falcon: ....Im not touching this debate with a ten foot pole, yo.
Tini: Come on!
Tiger: Yeah! Wuss!
Falcon: Fine. Its about-
*Royce suddenly bursts in, cheeks stained with tears, looking pissed*
Royce: No! It doesnt matter what your about to say! This is me time!
Tini: ...all the time your in the room is ‘me time’, you hyper active nut job.
Royce: See? Tini understands. Now listen to me. Im pissed at Pac.
Tiger: ...understandable
Royce: And I want revenge!
Falcon: ...also understandable
Royce: So I want to make a porno!
*The group falls silent, and the shot suddenly zooms in on Tini, who cocks an eyebrow*
Tini: ...who-sa jigga wha?
Royce: You heard me! Porno. We. Make. Me in.
Tini: We. Have a camera. Do not. Now stop talking like a retarded Yoda.
Falcon: *Blinks* The hell we dont! And if we actually dont, Ill go buy one! And Ill film it!
Tiger: ...how generous
Royce: Ok... and Tiger, you can direct!
*Tiger blinks*
Tiger: Really?
Royce: Sure, why not?
Tiger: ...because up until this moment in my life, I was sure God was continually smiting me.
Royce: Well hes smiting no longer. What do you want to do, Tini?
Tini: ...get some different friends
Royce: ...for the movie, Tini
*Tini shrugs*
Tini: Ill choreograph.
Royce: Corey who?
Tini: ...*sighs*... choreograph. Ill map out the action.
Tiger: ...did you just agree to blue print blow jobs?
Tini: Why yes, I believe I did. And *theres* the thud thats signalled me hitting rock bottom
Royce: Yay! That means we have everything we need!
Falcon: ...except a male co-star.
*Royce blinks*
Royce: Oh... yeah... I forgot about that. But you guys all have jobs to do already! And Im not calling Pac!
...Pizza defiling fuck
*Falcons eyes suddenly light up*
Falcon: ...I have an idea
Group: ....?
***
Griffon: You want me to do WHAT!?
Tiger: Sleep with Royce.
Griffon: On film.
Tiger: ...yes. On film.
Griffon: May I ask... WHY!?
Falcon: Does it matter? We get to film a porno. Involving Royce. *Dont* ruin this for us you son of a bitch!
Tiger: Yeah! Your always preaching that youre really bi, but weve never seen you with a girl! Nows your
time!
Griffon: But... but...
*Royce bounds over, and makes a chibi face*
Royce: Pweeease?
Griffon: Acting like a three year old is supposed to make me want to sleep with you?
Royce: ...has it?
Griffon: Yes. Yes it has. And that fact scares the hell out of me.
Tiger: Excellent!
Tini: .....men. And one stupid women. Ugh.
***
Tiger: Ok... Scene One, Take One: Oral! Action!
*Royce and Griffon simply stare at each other for a few moments*
Tiger: What? Whats the problem?
Griffon: ...this is sort of awkward
Royce: And its dusty when you’re this close to the floor.
Tiger: *Sighs* Griffon, just pretend shes a Field Hockey Playing Freshman you lured to your house. Royce,
pretend he’s a professor who’s considering moving your failing grade up to a B.
Royce: Oh. Ok.
Griffon: Yeah. Thats easy.
* ....slurp..... *
Tiger: *Blinks* Somehow the reality of the situation doesnt hit you until you see your best friend bottoming
out in your other best friends mouth
Falcon: ...this is so TOTALLY porn
Tiger: Hehe... tell me about it.
Tini: You two are retarded. Look at her. Ive seen people with nervous twitches eat half melted
ice cream cones with more grace than that. Jesus...
Falcon: Shut up. This is so porn.
Royce: Ah... ah... ah.... CHOO!
Griffon: AGH! AHHHH! OWWWWWW!
Royce: Oh my God! Im so sorry! I told you it was dusty! Someone... someone get him some ice!
CUT!
***
Tiger: Um... right. Hows the bleeding, Griffon?
Griffon: ...its clotted. Thank you for asking.
Tiger: Ok... uh... whats next? Righto... 69 position! Action!
Royce: *Blinks*
Griffon: *Blinks*
Tiger: What? What is it now?
Griffon: Im 6’3.
Tiger: Yes, yes you are, you tall fuck. What of it?
Griffon: Royce is 5’5.
Tiger: So!?
Royce: I dont think this works that way, Tiger
Tiger: *Sighs* Just try.
Griffon: ....um.... ok... here.
*The two quickly position*
Griffon: Right. So this is basically what we were doing last scene. And if you want me to lick her knees, then
we are in business.
Tiger: Um... try the other way!
*Royce quickly wipes her mouth and the two switch around, and this time Royce has to do the talking, for
obvious reasons*
Royce: Uh... ok... now I could eat out his belly button, if thats what you want, but otherwise.... woah! Oh!
Oh! Can we just keep this going for a few... uh... more... uh.... min-
CUT!
***
Tiger: Ok. This is as simple as it get. Retarded people can do this. Literally. Thats why the gene pool is in
such a sorry state right now. Missionary style. Action!
Griffon: ...um....
*Royce laughs and lays back*
Royce: After you.
Griffon: Righto....ooooo....ooook. This is good. This is.... yeah
Royce: Mmmmmm...
Tiger: You two arent eating Cambells soup! We need sound, damnit!
Royce: *Rolls her eyes* Oh! Oh! OH! YES! Yeeeeeah.... ooooooo.... yeeeeeaaah.....
Griffon: You know, youd probably be a lot prettier if you didnt use so much blush....
Royce: Ohhhhhh... what?
Griffon: Uh, I just noticed that-
SMACK!
Cut!
***
Tiger: ...ok. Maybe its best if you two dont face each other during this. So Doggy style... its like red neck
sex, but you arent doing it so you can both watch Nascar. Go! Action!
Royce: *Tenses up at first, then noticeably relaxes* Uh... uh... uh.... uh....
Tiger: Are you confused about something!? Noise! Movement!
Royce: Uh! Uh! UH! UHHH!
Tiger: Now movement!
Royce: UH! Screw you! UH! Im not... UH!... tap dancing during this!
*Tiger quickly signals something to Griffon in sign language, as they both took a course in it in high school.
Griffon winces, but nods*
Griffon: Hey, Royce, I think you might be gaining some weight....
Royce: What!? Why you...
*Royce tries to rear back and rip Griffons eyes out, but he keeps a cowboys grips on her shoulders, and her
angry struggles end up as the exact movements Tiger is looking for*
Tiger: Perfect! Finally! Print that!
CUT!
***
Tiger: Ok, we finally did something right... I think thats an excuse enough for a break. Falcon, but up on the
daily’s of what we’ve filmed so far.
Royce: Ooo... lemme see!
*Falcon puts up the scenes they already have, as the group of five gathers around. Tini has given up on her
choreography duties, as no one was listening to her anyway, and shes instead decided to use the experience
to build up on her hatred of idiots. She’s filled up to the brim, right now*
Falcon: Well.... that was about two hours of.... um....
Tiger: Would you like a bathroom break?
Falcon: Why yes, I believe I would
Tiger: And a towel?
Falcon: ...that seems prudent.
*Tiger sighs, and tosses Falcon a rag*
Tiger: There. Go. Hurry back. We cant film without you.
Falcon: ....righto.....
***
Tiger: Ok, were all back... Falcon looking noticeably dehydrated.... so lets get ready to go. This ones known
as the wheelbarrow... Falcon, focus mainly on the... damnit, you know what to focus us, your already doing
it. One question....
Royce: Huh?
Tiger: Why are they bouncing before Griffons even doing anything?
Royce: ...no idea
Tiger: Right. Action!
Griffon: .........
Royce: ....mmm.....
Tiger: What the hell? You just downed about nine gallons of coffee! Wheres the enthusiasm!?
Griffon: Weve been doing the same type of sex for an hour and a half. It gets a little tedious.
Falcon: ...are you stoned?
Griffon: Oh shut up. Some of us dont focus only on cave man instincts.
Tiger: EVERYONE SHUT UP! Just... just go! Move! Yes! Like that!
Griffon: ....
Royce: ....
Griffon: Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm.....
*Tiger blinks*
Tiger: What the hell are you doing?
*Griffon looks down at Royce, who’s head is barely resting on the floor*
Griffon: Im pretending shes a vacuum cleaner
Tiger: Wha-!? Thats it!
CUT!
Tiger: You want something different? Fine... Im a compliant director. We’ll do something different. Royce,
spin around, bend over.
Royce: We already *did* Doggy style!
Tiger: Uh... yes. Yes we did.
*Royce is suddenly hit with a blinding flash of the obvious*
Royce: ...woah. No. No way in hell. There is just no way in HELL that Im-
Tiger: Hey Royce....
Royce: What?
Tiger: Here.
*Tiger places a piece of pizza on a paper plate on the floor, and slides it towards Royce. It comes to a rest in
front of Royce, who stares at it suspiciously- which is reasonable, as Griffon is standing directly behind her,
with a cocked eyebrow*
Royce: I think this is a trick, but honestly, I cant risk that its not.
*Royce bends down and grabs the piece of pizza. She is quick. Griffon is quicker. He grabs her waist, and in
one quick move, steps up*
Royce: .......!
Griffon: *Winces*
Tini: ....*puts on ear muffs*
Tiger: Uh, Falcon... your ears...
Falcon: *Covers his ears* Way ahead of you...
Royce: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Tiger: Cut it! Cut it! Or the lens will shatter! Cut!
Falcon: No! She can make it! This is gold....
Tiger: ...this is true. Go Griffon go!
Royce: OWWW! Im going to *kill* you- OW! OW! OW! -guys! OWWW!
CUT!
*Tiger is now nursing a black eye and a bloody lip. Falcon managed to escape with only four claw marks
down his cheek, and Griffon is relatively unharmed- he threw the pizza out her and dove out of harms way.
Royce is now sitting with her arms crossed on a big block of ice*
Royce: ....what the fuck is next?
Tiger: Wel, I assume your going to want to keep sitting
Royce: ...yes. I believe so.
Tiger: Well... uh... second oral scene!
Royce: What!? There is NO way. Its been... there. So its not going in there. No.
Tiger: But-
Royce: No.
Tiger: But-
Royce: No!
Griffon: Maybe if I-
Royce: NO!
Tini: Hey!
*The group blinks in surprise... Tinis been relatively silent through the entire day*
Tini: I know a relaxing technique that will get you less out of sorts, Royce
Royce: Uh... ok.
Tini: Close your eyes.
Royce: *Closes eyes*
Tini: Take ten, deep breaths, counting them out loud....
Royce: Um... one.... two.... three..... four.... fi-gack! Gmmmm! Mmmm! Rmmmm! Lmmmm! Mmmmm!
Tiger: *Blinks* Tini. Your a god.
Tini: I cant *believe* she fell for that
Falcon: She really needs to stop being so trusting.
Royce: Mmmm! Hmmm! Emmmmmm!
Tiger: Uh... I think shes about to pass out....
Tini: Royce! You need to breathe, honey!
Royce: Nmmmm! Nmmmm wmmmm!
Tiger: Damnit, this wont work if she dies....
CUT!
****
Tiger: Now Royce... I understand you hate me now.
Royce: ....
Tiger: And Tini.
Royce: ....!
Tiger: So, uh, this is the last scene. And you dont have to anything at all.
Falcon: *Snickers behind camera* This is *such* porn....
Tiger: Uh... money shot... dont fuck this up! You really only get one go at it.... ACTION!
*Royce quickly closes her mouth and scrunches her eyes shut, blocking out the outside world. A minute
passes, and then two. Finally, aggravated and impatient, she opens one eye to peek out*
Griffon: !!!
Tini: Woah....
Falcon: Woah....
Tiger: Woah....
Royce: OW! My eye! Its stinging my eye! You son of a bitch!
*Royce blindly chases Griffon around, swinging wildly, as he ducks and tries to apologize without bursting
out laughing*
CUT!
*Royce is mopping off, looking tired, but reasonably satisfied that her vengeance has been extricated.
Griffon is lying on the apartments couch with his hands behind his head, wondering how hes going to explain
to his mother he was in a porn- it was hard enough telling her he liked guys. Falcon is hunched over the TV,
watching all the footage they filmed on a loop. Tiger is wondering how the hell hes going to afford the dry
cleaning his carpet now needs, and Tini is looking through the personal ads for a new set of people to hang
out with. Suddenly, the door opens...*
Pac: Hey, whats going on?
Royce: We were just doing something.
Pac: What, making a porn?
Royce: I... how.... who...?
Pac: You. I spied through the window. Griffon, if your wondering, is the one you need to kick in the
testicles for essentually cutting a gully in your make up with a high powered liquid discharge.
Royce: ....*blinks*
Pac: I have one question. Wheres the final scene?
Royce: We did that. Hence the gully.
Pac: No! Idiot! Every porn needs to end in a gangbang scene!
Royce: Are you sure?
Tiger: ...Id trust him. The man knows his porn.
Falcon: Better than most know the English language, actually.
Royce: *Sighs* At least Im numb at this point.... lets go.
Tiger: *Pauses* Erm, who will the other two be?
Royce: Well not Pac, Im still mad at him. Falcon, aim the camera, and Tiger, you can yell action from
somewhere under me, correct?
Tiger: .......If I cant now, I will find a way in the next forty seconds
*Pac rolls his eyes and trudges over to Tini, sitting down next to her. The shot cuts away from Royce just as
shes lowered down onto two of the guys, and Falcon looks nervous as he steps up behind her...*
Royce: Mmmmm! Geh! Meh! Uh! OH!
Tini: ...the camera isnt rolling, is it?
Pac: Not likely, no.