their wrists are three members of the ramble crew- Pac, Tiger, and Griffon. While Pac looks basically the
same- some how his Braves hat has changed to a ‘Fuck Yankees’ cap- Tiger and Griffon have been
seemingly pulled, pushed, and crammed into a pair of far too tight costumes*
Tiger: Ugh... *eyes flutter open. He is wrapped tightly in a shimmering blue shirt and long blue pants, and
his hair- which he much preferred at its dyed red- has been hastily Kool-Aided blue. Fans of the Sailor Moon
series would instantly recognize the look as stolen from Prince Diamond*
Griffon: What the fuck... *is wearing a Tuxedo, pressed and seamed, complete with a Top hat and a dark
black mask. Featuring all the intelligence an American translated anime offers, he’s been dressed like...
‘Tuxedo Mask’.*
Pac: *Snickers* Hey hey, the Ulsen twins finally woke up. You guys have got to see yourselves, you look
like you fell into a big pool of queer.
Griffon: ...*hastily tries to swing at Pac, kicking his legs at his midsection. Tiger, unfortunately, has been
swung up between them, and gets pummeled*
Tiger: Ow! God DAMNIT dude... your raising welts here... stop it!
*Griffon reluctantly slows and swings diminishingly back and forth, glaring daggers at Pac*
Pac: That went better than I could have planned. So what the hell is this? Did you stand someone up for a
date or something Griff?
Griffon: Not lately...
Pac: Oh.
Tiger: Well...?
Pac: Well what?
Tiger: Aren’t you going to ask me the same thing?
Pac: *Barks out a laugh* Oh... wait... your serious. Um. No. It didn’t cross my mind.
Tiger: *Does a slow burn* Dude, your poor
Pac: Fuck you!!! *Does a bicycle kick towards him*
Tiger: Heh heh... *blinks and looks up* My hands are turning purple. Manacles are not good for circulation.
Griffon: *Looks up and winces* Ew... If my hands fall off, I’m going to slap this bitch so hard... who is she,
anyway?
Tiger: Ugh... *pulls uselessly*... ow. Not who. What. She’s a fan girl. She pretends to speak Japanese while
she only knows a few words but still spells them wrong. Uh... basically, she’s a walking commercial for
stupid poorly dubbed cartoons that aren’t anything near their Japanese Anime versions..
Pac: ...I would have settled for a name
Tiger: *Tries to shrug, but only succeeds in sending jolts of pain down his shoulders. Manacles, right...*
Don’t know a name. They all look alike, sound alike, and most importantly- act alike.
Griffon: Well. That’s fantastic. One more thing though...
Tiger: Eh?
Griffon: WHY THE FUCK ARE WE DRESSED UP IN A SIX YEAR OLDS HALLOWEEN
COSTUME!?!?
Tiger: Um... you don’t wanna know
Pac: *Eyes light up, and laughs evilly* I get it! Wait, why wouldn’t he wanna know? Were probably gonna
have to put a bucket under him to stop the drool!
Tiger: *Sighs* Shut the fuck up Lucia. She didn’t even deem you hot enough to force to sleep with a guy.
Pac: ....*hangs head*
Griffon: Haha! Burn! *Freezes* Tiger?
Tiger: Ow... *pulls again*... yo?
Griffon: What was that about forcing someone to sleep with someone else?
Tiger: Oh... uh.... I can only assume this is some elaborate fantasy involving Sailor Moon Slash sex.
Griffon: ...*blinks*...
*Ten seconds pass silently*
Griffon: WHAT!?
Tiger: Hey! I told the two of yall to fuckin run! Its not my fault you think that when someone flees in terror
its time to stand around and ask questions about it!
Griffon: Dude, I am not sleeping with you.
Tiger: I’m not sleeping with you either! Wait- what? Your the bi one here!
Griffon: So?
Tiger: ...I have been deeply offended
Griffon: Oh come on!
Tiger: If I was gay Id have sex with you!
Griffon: *Sighs* That’s really easy to say considering that not only are you not gay, were apparently going
to be forced to sleep together any way.
Tiger: No! Seriously! That’s bullshit! What’s wrong with me?
Griffon: Nothings wrong with-
Tiger: I’m average looking, I have muscles, I can do amazing things with this god damned tail...
Griffon: Dude, cut it the fuck out-
Tiger: I have money! Pacs the poor one!
Pac: Hey!
Grffon: Seriously. Let it go.
Tiger: .....if we ever get back to the apartment I’m making you stare at my old football pictures. And then
you will beg for sex! But there will be NONE FOR YOU!
Voice: SILENCE!!!
*The three instantly go quiet, and stare around as the room goes dark. A bright silver beam of light jets
down from the ceiling, trails over the three, and then wanders over to the doors. They swing open, and out
walks...*
Fangirl: You will talk when I tell you to talk!
Group: .....
Pac: Is she kidding?
Tiger: I dunno... usually Id say yes, but fan girls tend to be hopelessly delusional
Griffon: Should we kill her?
Tiger: Yes. We should magically free ourselves and then face years of imprisonment, and anal rape- which
I’m sure you’d enjoy from everyone *but* me...- by killing some bint just for telling us not to talk
Griffon: ...you could not be more of a kill joy if you were a spell checker in a teen hip hop magazine
Fangirl: Uh, excuse me? I hate to interrupt your scorned bitterness, your maniacal threats, and your blatant
attempts at getting a cheap laugh, but I’m trying to get my evil slave master mojo on here. Do you mind?
Pac: As a matter of fact, we do. These metal bracelets here are about to sever our hands from the wrist.
Fangirl: Right. So don’t you think that if you stopped chatting me up and let me finish this tyrannical tirade
that I worked *very* hard on preparing... I needed to rewind episode #136 of Sailor Moon at least nine
times to write it all down... would be wise?
Pac: ....
Fangirl: Thank you. Now... *clears throat*... you are the evil doers that scourge this world. You make small
puppies cry! You have dirty, dirty mouths, treat women like objects, you practice in six of the seven major
sins...
Tiger: *Blinks* Six?
Fangirl: Oh. Yes. I only count the ones that actually get *acted* on, so lust doesn’t apply here...
Tiger: Hey!
Fangirl: As I was saying... you are very, very, very bad people. And I am going to rid the world of you!
Because I am...... *a million poorly coordinated disco lights begin to go off, and some crappy theme music
starts to play in the background*... SAILOR CHIBI CHI-*urk*...
Griffon: *Manages to swing forward enough to get to the Fangirl with his legs, and has them wrapped
tightly around her throat, cross wise so it doesn’t look like some sort of pedophilic oral rape* We don’t
care. At all. Why are we dressed like this?
Fangirl: *Goes red in the face, though whether its because shes blushing or running out of air its hard to tell*
Well... who says we cant have a little fun before I destroy you with my ultimate super destroyer attack?
Tiger: *Shudders* Me! I do! I say so!
Fangirl: Well I dont care! I-... *glares at Griffon, reaches into a way too small purse that she holds at her
side, and snatches a small machine from it* Hah!
*She jabs the machine right into him and thumbs a button. Instantly, it roars to life with a defeaning and
mighty... buzz. Griffon smirks as it vibrates frantically against his throat*
Griffon: What are you going to do? Artificially pleasure me to death?
Fangirl: Agh! *Doesnt move the machine, and quickly thumbs a second trigger. A dozen darts of electricity
launch from the tip and strikes Griffon right in the jugular, elicting a scream*
Griffon: Agggggggggh!!! *Falls limp, face down. A few strands of smoke steam up from his hair*
Tiger: Holy shit...
Pac: Man, I bet its fun to watch when she mixes those two functions up...
Fangirl: *Points it at him* You want some of this!?
Pac: ...no madame.
Fangirl: Thats better. Obviously you guys need more than chains to contain you... and this might actually
work for my pre-murder... er... ‘knock out’... entertainment. Ill be right back *She turns, and quickly skips
back out the door, looking all of five years old*
Pac: *Mutters angrily* Hurry back...
Griffon: Ugh...
Tiger: Does anyone else notice we keep getting hurt today?
Griffon: Ugh!
Tiger: Right... *slumps*... who says we give up and let her kill us?
Pac: Huh? What the fuck man?
Tiger: Dude, were three adult males... who live in the same building... all of us single... no jobs... no skills...
no friends besides the others... we all hang out in my empty ass apartment... and we let out asses get kicked
by some sparkly eyed bint with a yaoi fetish? What the hell are we living for thats so great?
Pac: ...good point. Im with him.
Griffon: *Blinks the ash that used to be his eyelashes away from his eyes* Oh quit your whining... sure, our
lives suck, but do you really want our last act on earth to be appealing the sick lusts of some punk girl?
Tiger: Yes. But not this one. So ...true. So Im guessing you have a plan?
Griffon: Yes. Im going to hang here, smolder, and hope she does something stupid that allows me to escape
and zap her pubic hairs off with that god damn tazer.
Tiger: ...ah
Fangirl: Im back! *Skips in, somehow lugging a pair of steel cages over her head that couldnt weight less
than a ton*
Tiger: ....damn
Pac: Home girl eats her beef...
Griffon: Maybe Ill let her keep those pubic hairs.
*Cutscene*
*The guys have been transported into two different cages, Pac being alone in one, and Tiger and Griffon
crammed uncomfortably close in the second. The fangirl is perched above them in a leather chair with a soda
and a granola bar, swinging happily*
Fangirl: So... arent you guys going to get started?
Tiger: *Glares up at her* Get started at what, exactly?
Fangirl: Uh... it. You know... it. You two. Your cute. Your together. Let your natural instincts run wild!
Griffon: My natural instincts right now are to rip off your legs and use them to choke you to death!
Tiger: Ditto!
Fangirl: Nu uh! Cmon! You know as well as I do everyone is bi, and just repressed by the... uh... repressions
of society!
Tiger: *Raises eyebrow* True or not, weve had those wonderful repressions. Thus, GO TO HELL!!
Fangirl: Dont make me zap you! In fact, whichever one gets started second, gets zapped?
Pac: *From other cage* What are you, retarded? You surrounded them on all six sides by metal fucking
bars. How exactly do you plan to shock one of them at a time?
Fangirl: .............. *zaps Pacs cage*
Pac: OW! Bitch!
Fangirl: *Zaps it again*
Pac: AGH! Im going to kill y-
Fangirl: *Holds up Tazer*
Pac: ...Ill be good.
Fangirl: Good. Now. You two. *Turns back to cage #1* What the hell!?
???: Jesus, this looks kinky... wanna bust a third cage in here and hop in with me?
*Standing perched on top of the first cage, voice returning to its less-high state, and wearing his usual smug
smirk, is Falcon*
Fangirl: Who the hell are you?
Tiger: Hey, man, took you long a fuckin nuff... *looks up, suddenly screams, and covers his eyes* DUDE!?
What did we talk about with your baggy shorts?
Falcon: Oh... right... the whole ‘wear underwear’ thing. I forgot.
Tiger: Apparently!
Fangirl: Ah *hem*!
Falcon: *Blinks and looks at her* Yo?
Fangirl: Yo? You bust into my secret lair, try to disgace me with comments about kinky sex with a *boy and
a girl* -ew- and interrupt my sexcapades and all you have to say is yo?!
Falcon: ...I could say ‘bitch’, if youd like
Fangirl: ...
Falcon: Or not.
Fangirl: Yeah. Or not.
Falcon: Now Ive been watching for a while now...
Pac: What?! Why the hell didnt you do something?
Falcon: .....*ignores him*. Anyway, Ive been watching for a while, and I saw that cute little trick you have
with your spark maker. Personally, Im feeling charred enough for one day, so what do you want to let these
guys go?
Fangirl: G-
Griffon: And dont say gay sex!!
Fangirl: ....oh.
Tiger: Jesus Christ, *girls*... were just meat to them. Who the hell do they think they are, men!?
Fangirl: Well... if I cant get gay sex.... can I have some money?
Falcon: ...Im an unemployeed Movie junkie who pays his rent by knocking over convenience stores. How
the hell much do you want?
Fangirl: I dont know... 50?
Falcon: 50!? DOLLARS!?
Fangirl: Well Im not asking for two quarters here! My time is valuable! And that Pac thing kept trying to
look up my skirt while I drug him over here!
Falcon: Ok... Ok... what If I give you thirty just for Griffon and Tiger?
Pac: Hey!
Falcon: Oh, you can pay your own way out! I mean, what are you, poor or something?
...
Group: *Bursts into peals of laughter*
Pac: I hate you. I hate you all.
Fangirl: Hee hee... poor. But seriously. *Straightens her card board cut out, glitter covered crown* Its a set
or nothing. 50 bucks.
Falcon: ...all right, Ill make you a deal.
Fangirl: Im listening...
Falcon: *Walks slowly over the cage bars until hes right in front of her, taking a care not to slip and crotch
himself... he just got the feeling back in his hips* You let them go, and I dont let him hit you.
Fangirl: Huh? Who?
Falcon: *Calmly points behind her* Him.
Fangirl: ....how stupid do you think I am?
Falcon: Huh?
Fangirl: If there was a book- and there isnt- that would be the oldest trick in it!
Falcon: All right, all right, your too smart for me...
*Out of nowhere, a hockey stick swings, catching Fangirl right on the temple and sending her flying, where
Falcon catches her just before she flies off the edge of the cage and drops her to the bars*
Woody: Snoogens... *A tall, generally round guy in a football jersey is standing on the edge of the cage with
a hockey stick in his hand and a joint behind his ear*
Falcon: Hey, I warned the bitch...
Tiger: Dude! Woody! Where did you come from? I thought you were in LA?
Falcon: I ran into him outside.
Woody: Yeah, I came back because... well, the audience didnt think the current cast was large enough in
these fucking things.
Tiger: Ah...
Griffon: You know, its not nice to break the third wall like that.
Woody: Oh. My bad. So...
Pac: *Suddenly blinks* Wait a minute. You hit a girl, dude. With a *hockey* stick. That is not cool.
Tiger: Oh, your right, shit... were gonna get so much hate mail for this.
Griffon: Now youre doing it!
Tiger: Oh shut up! *Looks at the top of the cage, where Fangirl is lying.* Wait a minute, is she bleeding?
Falcon: Ah shit, Im so going back to prison...
Woody: *Peers closer* Hey... that isnt blood... its silver!
Tiger: What the.... ah fuck.
*As Tiger speaks, Fangirl dissapears, turning fully into a puddle of silvery goo. After a moment of levitating
above the cage, it reforms, into a perfectly healthy and annoying as ever Fangirl 2*
Fangirl: Tee hee! But no, seriously, your ass is mine.
Woody: Agh! *Rears back and swings the hockey stick again. With lightning speed, Fangirl catches it, and
crushes the wood in one hand*
Falcon: ...god damn.
Fangirl: *Reaches out and grabs Woody by the throat. As he squirms, she lifts him into the air, even though
shes only about four feet tall herself*
Woody: Ack...
Fangirl: You... will... join... my... harem...
Woody: Ack... hey... *gasp*... hey... *choke*... that doesnt sound so... *gasp*... bad
Tiger: *Calling up* Uh, dude, its an all guy harem
Woody: ACK! *Squirms harder*
Falcon: *Uses the time that shes choking the life out of Woody wisely, dropping to the floor and opening the
cages. Pac, Griffon, and Tiger dart out, and Falcon makes for the exit*
Tiger: Hey! Bird boy!
Falcon: *Grinds to a halt and spins* What?
Tiger: Shouldnt we, uh, help Woody?
*The three turn and look at Woody, who is suspended high in the air with a purple face. Fangirl has a cold
gleam in her eye and is squeezing increasingly harder*
Falcon: ....hes dead anyway. Lets go.
Woody: *Gasps in a deep breath* Hey!
Falcon: Ah all right... *looks around* Does anyone have an idea?
Tiger: Hm... *quickly runs to the cage and scales it, snatching up Fangirls small machine. He closes his eyes,
thrusts it in an underhand swipe at fangirl, and presses a random trigger-
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Fangirl: OWWWWW!!! *drops Woody and hops up and down*
Tiger: *Opens his eyes, looks down, and jumps* Oh Jesus! *Grabs Woodys arm* RUN!
*The two leap down from the cage, tuck and roll to their feet, and sprint out the door, Falcon, Griffon, and
Pac in hot pursuit*
*Cutscene*
*The five guys are walking down the street, chatting idly as if the most bizarre incident of their life has not
just happened*
Woody: So... what do you want to do know?
Tiger: I unno. We were gonna see a movie.
Falcon: May I make a suggestion?
Griffon: Mhm?
Falcon: Why dont you and stripes go find a place to change out of your figure skating clothes so Im not
embarassed to be seen in public with you anymore?
Tiger: *Glances down* Ah.... fuck.