*The scene is a baseball stadium, Candem Yards of Baltimore fame, and sitting somewhere in the first section are Tini, Tiger, Pac and Falcon. The game has had little turnout, as most people arent in the mood to see another Orioles stomping, giving the four the leisure to stretch out and put their feet on the back of the chairs in front of them. Pac is munching eagerly on a hot dog- no, Im not going to hit you with another gay joke- while Falcon has a slice of pizza, Tiger has a bag of popcorn, and Tini is holding a roll of money* Tiger: Dude... I can not believe you paid her to come with us. Pac: What? There is no way Im coming to a baseball game with two guys... thats just begging to get put on the Yankee roster. *We were just kidding you. Of course were going to hit you with plenty of gay jokes. And Yankee jokes, to, in this instance* Tiger: *Shakes head, then glances over at Tini* Woah. Thirty bucks? You cut your rates? Tini: Mmm... Tiger: Nothing good on TV again? Tini: *Sighs* Mhm. Falcon: Thirty bucks? Jesus Lucia, did you sell your house or something? Pac: ...... Falcon: You know, cause your p- Pac: I GOT IT! Tiger: Hehe. So, Lucia, what the hells going on here? All I see is a bunch of tall dudes in ugly hats throwing a little white ball back and forth? THIS is our national past time? Falcon: *Snorts* Our national past time is over working ourselves, bitching about it, and hoarding our money like crazed hermits. Tiger: Ohhh.. k. Thats nice. But now I would like to ask someone who hasn’t given up on life and the human race. Pac: ...? Tiger: ...unfortunately, there’s no one like that here, so like I said- Pac? Pac: Right. All you need to know is that if the ball comes over the wall and the guys in orange and black are hitting, cheer. And try to get it. Tiger: Why? Pac: So you can give it to me. Tiger: Ah. *A lightning bolt home run comes soaring through the air, and smacks hard into the wooden chair right beside Tiger. He jumps, then stares at it, and turns to Pac* Tiger: You mean like that? Pac: Uh... yeah. Except the Yankees are hitting. *A random fan tries to scramble over from a back row to grab the ball. Not really caring either way, but seeing a socially acceptable way to do harm, Falcon grabs him by the shirt collar and throws him forward, where he tumbles down the stadium steps* Tiger: *Still looking at the ball* So do we want this thing or not? *On the field, the Orioles catch a pop fly, ending the inning and switching positions with the Yankees. An evil gleam coming into his eye, Pac tosses his hot dog away and nods* Pac: Yes. Yes we do. Tiger: All right. *Scoops it up, and stares at it for a minute* You know, were trying to cram way too much plot into this thing. Where’s the senseless funny? Were gonna have people going to read something of intellectual value soon! Pac: ...well we cant have that. *Seizes the ball from Tiger, and stands up in his chair* *On the field* Yankee Pitcher: Come on baby boy, don’t screw up, don’t screw up... you’ve got a wife and kids, and poor grandma has the shakes... and this might be the last game of the season because we haven’t been able to whine and bully the managers into adding to our already gross salaries... Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, the nameless and poorly described Yankee Pitcher (for law suit reasons of course) is setting up... he shakes off the signal... and the next one... and the next one... wait, he has a bug at his face. That makes sense... now he’s winding, a ball is flying- *Thud* Announcer: Oh my god! Some fan just hit the Yankee Pitcher right in the temple with a fast ball! This is outrageous! Get the security! Someone has been reading my dream journal, and I want to know who, so I can shake that mans hand!! *In the stands* Tiger: *Frantically climbing over chairs* You idiot! Pac: *Right behind him* What? He was asking for it! You saw the way he was standing there, minding his own business, trying to do his job! Falcon: *To Pacs left* .... Pac: Oh don’t give me that wordless pause! He sold his soul for cash to play on that team, he is worth of a skull whacking and the situation its done in is completely irrelevant! Tini: *Way in front of all of them* I cant believe I got drug into this for 30 bucks! You are all so lucky I needed those new sandals... Security: *Directly behind* Hey! Get back here you punk kids! Running is only making it worse! Falcon: How is that possible? Security: *Stunned* Huh? Falcon: *Slows his fleeing ascent up the stairs so the security guy can get a little closer and hear him better* You’re a rent a cop, so this isn’t resisting arrest. Thus, you cant do anything worse to us if we run than if we didn’t. This way we have a chance of escaping! *Slows to a stop* Security: *Stops right next to him* I guess your right... Falcon: Yeah, and after all, aren’t all of us are due a chance at- YAH! *Suddenly lashes out, slugging the security guard acrost the jaw. He crumples like a card house in the wind* Hehe... *continues to flee as more security guards appear* Pac: At least were on the east coast... I don’t feel like getting beat with a night stick today... Tiger: *Short of breath* Hah... hah... run... faster... *The four interweave between seats, but are quickly surrounded by the security guards, who apparently have nothing better to do than persue the perpetrators of a little crime like aggravated assault* Security: I think you’d better come quietly... Pac: Has anyone actually ever done that? Security: *Sighs* No. Pac: Ah. Well, I don’t like to make waves in the average. *Suddenly falls and grabs hold of a chair leg with both hands, screaming at the top of his lungs* Security: *Sighs again, and begins to drag him away. The rest of the officers follow suit on the rest of the crew, who follow with a sort of bored detachment Falcon: My record is getting longer than Mansons with these fuckin misdemeanors... *Cut scene* *Stadium prison. Filled with fence jumpers, drunks, and whole groups of annoying loud mouths covered in body paint. Tini is crammed into a corner, her knees up to her chin and her arms wrapped around them, glaring daggers at all the men in the room. Forming a barely protective ring around her, sitting idly on the stone floor, are Pac, Tiger, and Falcon* Tiger: You just had to bean their pitcher, didnt you? Pac: Oh what? You said we needed more senseless humor! Tiger: Sensless humor as in random vibrator jokes! Not physically assaulting another human being! Falcon: Yeah! Thats my job! Pac: Oh shut up... *frowns*... they dont even have a TV in here. What the hell are we supposed to watch until the game ends and they let us out? Tiger: *Jerks his head* That. *Standing in the corner is a tall, short haired brunette, with tan skin and freckles. Shes wearing a half shirt wife beater, a white skirt, some red sneakers, and to the vision of others and the hopes of the males, very little else* Pac: Woah. Tiger: Woah is mother fucking right my friend Falcon: Man, what I wouldnt give for a stiff freezing breeze in here right now... Pac: Stiff is right Tini: *Snorts* You are such a male Falcon: Id like to bring Griffon in here. I bet she would be like Kryptonite to him Tiger: ...dude, Griff is bi. Falcon: Way to destroy my well timed gay joke, you prick. Tiger: Ah... *continues staring* Girl: *Is putting on lipstick, and stares over the top of her make up mirror* Right. Creepy, gang rapist looking guys in the corner there with the antisocial chick... can I help you? Tiger: - Pac: *Cuts off Tiger* In more ways than you can possibly imagine, baby. Girl: ....can I help someone whos not a desperate virgin? Pac: Ouch. Falcon: Hehe... its funny cause its true. Tiger: *Gets to his feet and stretches* Well... you could start by telling us your name? Girl: Royce. How about you guys? Whats your names? Tiger: Well... Im Tiger. Down there is Falcon, the virgin is Pac, and the chick with the nose ring is Tini. Falcon: Yo. Tini: Mm... Pac: Helloooo there.... Royce: Er... I said guys, and I said names. You guys sound like a group of rappers who grew up in a zoo and werent sure to go hip hop or bestial. Pac: .... Falcon: This isnt going to work. Weve known her for, what, four lines of dialogue? Shes already pointing out the vast idiocies in the writing. Royce: Oh fine, Ill be good. In fact, Ill even help move you all out of this plot rut that youve dug yourselves into. Tiger: Oh yeah? If *we* cant dig ourselves out of the plot rut, what makes you think *you* can dig us all out of the plot rut? Royce: *Shrugs* I have a key to the jail cell. Im only in here in the hopes that a hot guy who isnt drunk, painted, or stupid enough to assault pitchers might come in and want some jail bait throw down. Ive been testing out new booty areas ever sense I realized the Gym is useless since all the guys there have shrunken testicles caused by frequent usage of steroids anyway Tiger: ....ah. Pac: ...uh, I hate to interrupt Tigers vacant and stupid expression, but you mentioned something about getting us out of here? Royce: Yeah. Well, not exactly. Tini: Oh here it comes... Royce: What? Just cause a girl wants a lil something for her troubles she suddenly has a problem? Tini: Theres nothing sudden about it. Royce: Hey- Falcon: *Quickly maneuvering between them, he grabs Royce by the shoulders and makes her look him in the eyes* What do you want? Royce: ...for you to let go of me, for one thing Falcon: *Jerks backwards like he was burnt. Apparently he learned from Tini rearranging his jewels that its a good idea to listen to aggresive women* Ok. Thats done. I assume theres more? Royce: *Looks him up and down* Hm. Youre pretty ripped. And obedient. I like that. You. Falcon: Me? Royce: You. Falcon: What about me? Royce: I want you. Pac: Oh nononono. Thats bullshit. That is bullshit and wrong. I am not letting this turn into a way to make Falcon feel better about himself. I dont care what sort of plot rut were in, I for one, am not going to let this turn into a way to gratify his real life personas ego. Tiger: ...dude, would you like to explain why were at a baseball game when your the only one who knows a damn thing about baseball? Pac: ...*hangs head* carry on. Falcon: Me? Uh... sure. *Pauses* Im best on top. Royce: ...Im sure. But I want you as an assistant. Carrying stuff around, keeping undesirables away, fetching me things. Believe me, If I was deciding whether to fuck you or not, I would be checking something different than your muscles as the go ahead Falcon: ... Royce: And I might require you for the occasional topless backrub, but that will just serve to uselessly arouse you and force you to request a ten minute break to go whack off in my bathroom Falcon: ...And how long do you expect me to do this to be spared two hours in a stadium prison? Royce: Two weeks. Falcon: Two weeks!? Tiger: *Whispers* Dude... plot rut. Plot rut. Falcon: *Clenches his teeth* Fine... Royce: Hehe! *Pinches his cheek* You men are so gullible. Of course I meant sex. But the only way youre going to be on top is if my back goes out... *walks to jail door and starts fiddling in her purse* Falcon: *Stares after her* ...what a total bitch Tiger: So its love at first sight, ne? Falcon: *Nods* Ne. *Follows Royce as she opens the cell and quietly slips out, and the others nonchalantly follow. For plot purposes, the other in the jail cell are all sleeping or something and dont try to escape with them. Wait, I can do better than that. The guys in the prison are all smart enough to realize theres a guy guarding the outside of the cell who would stun gun them to crispy goo if they tried to get away. Our group is unaware of this, and through some coincidental act of God, the warden doesnt notice them* *Cut scene* *The group is slowly walking down the halls of the stadium, trying to look inconspicous besides the fact their images were crafted for the exact opposite, seeing as Tigers hair is dyed red, Tinis is short, spikey, and shes wilding a nose ring, and every inch of Pacs attire is covered with Yankees logos spray painted over with X’s, swear words, threats, and ethnic slurs* Tiger: I wonder whos winning... Pac: Who cares? Tiger: What do you mean who cares? Your the one who wanted to do this! Pac: Well yeah, but you dont come so your team wins, dumbass. You come to yell, insult, drink, and throw stuff, thus ruining several spectators day, upsetting several players you dont like, and making yourself feel better by comparison. Tiger: ...ah Tini: If you guys ever want to do this again, Im upping my price. I dont care if my TV is playing static. I can actually feel myself becoming less sexy by listening to you talk Royce: *Is generally wrapped around Falcon as they walk, and is thus the only one staring at the left of the hall. Shes the one who sees the bright green, and realizes theyre at the entrance to the field, right behind home plate. A Yankee is up to hit* Hey guys, look... good seats weve got here. Falcon: *Pauses* Woah Pac: Whos that batting? Tiger: *Shrugs* Pac: Is that... Falcon: Hes an ugly mofo... Pac: I think it is... Tini: I dont know. Hes cute in an ugly sort of way Pac: *Voice drops deep and menacing* Derek Jeter Tiger: *Looks at him, stunned* Dont... Pac: *Rips off shirt* Oh I gots to... Tiger: Come on man, we just got *out* of prison... Pac: *Begins to stalk onto the field* I still gots to. *Five minutes later. Back in the stadium jail cell* Tiger: Ok, I understand that you felt the need to spear him... rip his shirt over his head... choke him to the ground with it... bash his head against the home plate a half dozen times... but did you really need to throw him into the stands? Pac: *Has been thrown into the jail cell still handcuffed* Yes. Absolutely. And if it wasnt for those stun guns, I wouldve climbed in after him and landed a body splash Tini: I admit, it was pretty funny watching you go beserk and bat aside security guards like king fuckin kong when trying to get to that guy Pac: What can I say. My Yankee hatred does strange things to me Tiger: You think Falcon and Royce are going to show up and try to bust us out of here? For that matter, do you know where the hell they ran to when the Rent a Cops started firing rubber bullets at us? Tini: Eh. Not really. Tiger: Why did they do that anyway? We were just standing around, Pacs the one causing trouble... Tini: I think it was when Falcon told them he fucked their mothers in the ass while he worked a 14 inch strap on our of their whore cunts... or something around that line Tiger: Hehe. Ah yes Pac: Personally, I think those two are doing some doggy style action in an equipment locker right now, but thats just me... I tend to imagine every pair of people I know in that situation Tiger: ... Tini: *Raise eyebrow* Uh huh... Tiger: So... does anyone have any bright ideas to getting out of here this time? Tini: *Shrugs* I could seduce the warden... Random Prisoner: Uh, guys, the games ending in ten minutes... Tiger: The warden is in a fuschia jumpsuit and has roughly nineteen earrings in his right ear. The only thing you could seduce him with was a needle, apparently, or a dildo Pac: *Grins* Unless you have a secret you want to tell us about... Tini: You know what, I do Pac: *Freezes* Whoosa Jigga Wha? Tini: I do. I have something in my panties I want you to see, reeeeal bad. Pac: *Jaw drops* Uh huh... Tini: I want you to seeeee it... but you know why you cant...? Pac: Cant? *Frowns* No... Tini: CAUSE YOUR POOR! Pac: *Blinks* Tiger: Haha! Seriously though... that was a long way to go for a poor joke. Watch. *Suddenly rabbit punches Pac in the ribs. The wind knocked out of him, Lucia drops to his knees gasping, and having his hands cuffed together behind his back sure isnt helping matters* Now if you had money, that wouldnt have happened, Poor-y McPoorson Pac: Ugh... Tini: Hey, that does work. *Momentary pause as Pac writhes on the floor* Tini: Maybe *you* should seduce the warden? Tiger: Oh Jesus *christ*, not this again... Tini: Again? Tiger: Eh heh... Ill tell you a story sometime. But there is no way in hell Im seducing anybody. Random Prisoner: Guys! There is five minutes left! Just wait and theyll open the doors! Tini: Never seducing anybody? Oh come on, you dont look that undesirable! Tiger: ....I was refering to my wish to seduce, not my ability Tini: Oh... Tiger: Tell me again why were friends? Tini: Because you like my mean little quips when theyre aimed at somebody else Tiger: Ah yes. *Looks down* I think Pac may have passed out. Tini: *Blinks* That gives me an idea.... *Cutscene* *Exactly four and a half minutes later, thirty seconds before the doors open automatically, the three are walking down the hall, though Tini has a wicked grin on her face, Tiger seems slightly green, and Pac has an inexplicable limp* Pac: Wait... so how did you get him to let us go again? Tini: *Smirking* We appealed to his sensitive side Pac: Sensitive side? That guy looked like a crazy fucking squirrel rapist, I dont think he had a sensitive side! Tiger: Squirrel? Nah... I think he was more into Groups. You know, gatherings, assemblies, congregations... Pac: Huh? Tini: *Coughs* Packs... Pac: What?! What the fuck are you two babbling about? Tiger: Handcuffs... Pac: Wha? Tiger: Nothing, nothing... actually, we just bribed him Pac: Oh... *Suddenly, a door to their right bursts open, and two interlocked figures fall out, smacking painfully against the ground. The guy, shirt having dissapeared to some god forsaken place, rubs the back of his head* Falcon: Ow... Royce: Woah... *looks back in room*... we knocked the door off its hinges Falcon: Hehe. Im enthusiastic that way Pac: Oh jesus *christ*... you couldnt even wait to get out of the building? What kind of sick fuck has sex in a stadium? Tini: *Barks out a laugh* Pac: See? She agrees with me! Tini: ...yeah. Thats exactly what I was doing. Pac: What? Tini: Nothing, nothing at all Tiger: Well... the Yankees won... but Pac single handedly gave their pitcher a concussion, and Derek Jeter has been sent to the hospitals for immeadiate service. I consider this day a moral victory Tini: Mhm... and I managed to achieve one of my life goals *Tini pulls a small tablet out of her pants and flips it open, hastily scratching something off* Pac: *Looks over her shoulder* What was that? Witness ay sex. Ay sex? What the fuck is ay sex? Tini: It doesnt say ‘ay’, the first letter got scratched off Pac: Oh. *Blinks* I dont think seeing these two hump their way through a door counts as witnessing Day Sex, you know... Tini: *Rolls her eyes* Yeah, your probably right... *Royce and Falcon slowly clamber to their feet, and follow slowly after the three as they move on. Royce has a limp eerily reminiscent of Pacs, just reversed* Pac: *Pauses* Hey guys? Tiger: *Looks back* Mhm? Pac: You blew all your money on tickets and food... and Tinis 30 bucks was folded up in her notebook there... so what the hell did you bribe the warden with? Tiger: *Blinks* Nothing. Absolutely nothing.