Ramble5



	Stores are everywhere. Lined up around escalators, elevators, and a food court, are dozens and dozens of stores. Rug Munchers, the flannel and golf store. Gerbils Gerbils Gerbils, the pet store, features a rather shifty man with a limp walking out of it. A girl with a similar limp walks slowly out of the store Fashionable Male, glancing back at a date rapist looking fellow who’s strutting out of a dressing room Out in the aisles, walking slowly, looking around, is Griffon, Pac, Tiger, Tini, and Royce. Pac: What... in the name of all that is holy, pure, and good... are we doing here? Griffon: Beginning a plot that will be just ripe with opportunities to hit you with poor jokes from every direction Pac: Hardy har mother fucking har, and so on and so forth. Seriously. Tini: Shopping! Pac: No, that’s what you are doing here... Royce: And me Pac: ...and her. I want to know what Stripes, Pixie the Princess here, and I am doing walking through this monument to over priced goods and fad following Tiger: Shrugs Being seen with two hot girls on a weekend in public Pac: ...fair enough. So where are we headed? Tini: Book store Royce: Stops, and stares at her Book store!? Tini: Book store Royce: Why? Tini: To buy books Royce: ...to buy books Tini: And magazines. Royce: Who the hell goes to a mall to purchase literature? I have a library card, I don’t need to buy jack if I want to read Tiger: ...you have a library card? Royce: Well, actually, no, but it helped make my point at the time Tiger: Ah... Tini: Well library card or know, were going to the book store. I need to harass the clerk for not having the new Harry Potter book Griffon: Blinks The new Harry Potter book hasn’t been released yet Tini: And that stops me from harassing the clerk... how? Griffon: Touche. The group walks up to a Walden Books, which is crammed with shelves, which in turn are crammed with books, merchandise, and greeting cards. The magazine rack is in the back, which Pac promptly escorts himself to, while Griffon and Tiger casually leave through the compiled books of comic strips, Royce absently looks at a few posters, and Tini approaches the young man at the cash register Clerk: Oh not you again... Tini: Hey buddy. Where’s my book? Clerk: Sighs Madame, we don’t have your book Tini: So you stole it? Clerk: ...excuse me? Tini: You just admitted its my book. You have it. I don’t. That sounds like theft to me Clerk: ... Tini: Produces a cell phone from her hand bag Now do I dial 911 for theft or just call the local police department? Clerk: All right, all right... what do you want this time? Tini: I want put ahead on the list. In front of the leukemia kid who’s last wish is to finish the series before he passes, ahead of the store managers eight year old who obtained literacy through the books, ahead of everyone. I get the first book, fresh out of the box Clerk: And if I do that, you’ll leave me alone? Tini: Absolutely. For another week. Clerk: Picks up clipboard, scratches something out, and writes something new at the top of the page There, done and done. Now go away Tini: You know, I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t like me... Pac: Happily trots up beside her, holding the bottom of a stack of magazines at waist level. He has so many the pile rises up and towers above his eyes, so he’s less than graceful when he plops them down on the counter Yo, ring these up Dante Clerk: ...my name is George, sir Pac: Oh, my bad Randall. But seriously. Ring them up. Clerk: ......yes, sir. Quickly begins to siphon through the magazines, skanning the barcode conveniently placed under the unscannable plastic as fast as he cant on each magazine Tini: Peeks over the top of the pile Oh my god... Pac: What? Tini: You mean to tell me they sell this stuff in Waldens!? Pac: ...lady, they sell this stuff at K Mart if you know the right city to go to and the secret knock Royce: Wanders up with a ‘Korn’ poster rolled up at her side Sell what stuff? Tini: Picks up the magazine and points it facing Royce. The cover features a traditional snap shot, a pretty women with white liquid over her lips, and useless, never read words beneath Royce: ... Tini: Horrible, isn’t it? Royce: Ill admit the Got Milk ads have gotten somewhat annoying, but they aren’t horrible. Tini: Huh? Spins the magazine around and looks at it Oops. That’s an ad. Turns the page, and points it at Royce again Royce: Oh my god that looks like it hurts.... Tini: See?! And look how many of these he’s got, there has to be at least thirty here! Pac: ...I like a wide variety. I’m an explorer, a gatherer of information. I don’t like to nibble the skin of the fruit or paddle the top of the ocean, I eat it down to the core or I swim to the very bottom and feel the sand. I want to experience everything. Royce: ...that’s awfully poetic for saying you jerk off constantly Absently takes the magazine from Tini, rolls it up, and puts it in her back pack. No one notices Pac: Thank you, I try Clerk: Uh, sir, your total comes to 130.47... and I’m going to need to see some ID Pac: Huh? Oh, right, right... its been so long since someone’s carded me... Tini: Snorts Lying bastard... he’s 17. Pac: Shush, women. Pulls a Drivers licensee out of his wallet and hands it to the Clerk, who stares at it skeptically. The mans gaze travels from Pac, to the licensee, and back again. Finally, he hands it back Clerk: All right... you really shouldn’t shave your mustache Mr. Lucia, you look much younger than 32 without it... Royce: 32!? Pac: Whispers What can I say, I’ve been using this thing since I was really young... he pulls out several neat bills from his wallet and hands them to the clerk, who quickly puts them in the cash register and excuses himself to go wash his hands very, very thoroughly Griffon: Walks up, Tiger beside him What the hell? Where’s the cashier dude? Tini: Pac scared him off by buying that leaning tower of filth. Griffon: Suddenly notices the magazine and blinks Woah... my entire collection isn’t that high, and I’m interested in twice as many genders as you Pac: I guess this proves I’m not poor, huh? Griffon: ...eh. You may or may not have money, but its useless anyway, cause its probably all drippy and stuck together... Pac: Hah. Hah. And, of course, hah. Royce: Can I see your guys stuff? Tiger: Absently hands Royce their stack of comics Where the hell is that guy? Griffon: Eh... lets just split. We can pick these up later, and I don’t feel like waiting Pac: Gotta shop until your little pink pretty heart fills with joy and you drop, huh? Griffon: ...I’m ignoring you. See this? Looks away This is me ignoring you Tiger: Yeah, lets go. Glances at Royce Did you put that stuff away? Royce: Uh... yes. Tiger: Aight. Lets roll. Cutscene- Food Court Tiger: Is munching on a double cheeseburger, extra onions, no mustard Mmmm... Griffon: Ugh. Could you possibly be murdering more cow for just one little meal Tiger: Glances at him Probably. At least I’m not stealing food from poor rabbits Griffon: Looks down at his Caesar Salad ...but plants grow back... Pac: Oh Jesus, he’s actually upset about it. Has a slice of pizza in each hand, and is alternating between for each bite Tini: You’re just asking for a heart attack eating like that... is sipping a Vanilla latte, and has a bowl of soup in front of her Pac: Bah.... a half pound of muscle. My heart can bring it the hell on... glares at his chest You hear me? Royce: ....right. So, where we heading next? Has a half drunk milkshake looming in the middle of the table, and idly takes a sip Pac: Talks with his mouth full of pizza, spraying Griffon, directly across from him at the table, with crumbs Oh! The arcade! There is a whole machine filled with hopping moles who I have a serious mallet vendetta against! Royce: ...your just the saddest man alive Griffon: Smirks into his salad Sure you can afford the quarter a game? Pac: ...I am getting so sick of these poor jokes Griffon: Hehe. All right... throws down his fork... lets go. Ill find some twitched out video junkie and fuck with his head by moving really slow and then switching to really fast. Cutscene- Arcade Beeping, flashing lights, and all around stimulus for stoners is everywhere. The group walks through in amazement, less at the arcade itself than at some of the pimpled, pale, frightening people who seemingly haven’t left them in days Tini: I think that guys actually growing roots into the floor... Royce: Yeah... and ew, look at that one. He thinks playing with both guns at once makes him look cool? I’ve been more sexually attracted to mannequins. Tiger: Hm... hey Griff, how bout that? Points at a caged in virtual game, where the players each wear a set of gloves and shadow box towards each other, and the computer registers the hits Griffon: Word... you’re going down this time... I heard they added a feature that measures the force of the punch... Tiger: Yeah yeah... the two walk off to get change for the game Tini: Sighs Men. Royce: Yeah. Men. Pac: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! Tini and Royce jump, shocked out of their minds, and spin around in mid air. Pac is less than a dozen feet away from them, pounding away on the top of an old arcade game with a foam mallet as hard as he could, leaping into the air to increase the power of his shots Pac: DIE you mother fucking moles, die die die DIE! Bam! You like that!? Huh!? Bring it! BOO YAH! Oh, you think you’re safe out here! BAM! Bitch! Bam! Tini: .... Royce: Id say ‘...men’ again but I’m not sure he qualifies... Tini: Nope. Definitely not. Lets go watch those two ‘box’... at least a simulation of a manly sport is better than nothing at all. The two walk over to Sl-lad0w B0x3r, the game that Tiger and Griffon are just about to begin. The two are stationed roughly ten feet from one another, with a video screen in front of each presenting a close up simulation of what the other is doing Computer Voice: Begin in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1.... BOX!!! Tiger and Griffon quickly leap into action, throwing series of punches, jabs, hooks, blocks, and ducks. Tini and Royce watch in a kind of detached fascination as the two trade virtual blows with each other. Tigers computer figure seems to be taking the worst of it, as he reels on the simulation, but it suddenly drops and delivers a low blow straight to Griffon’s character Tini: Owch.... Griffon: Standing still sense his computer figure is currently down for the count You son of a bitch! Tiger: Aw sweetie, alls fair in love and war Griffon: Oh really? Griffons computer simulation suddenly bursts to life, leaping up with a massive uppercut that sends Tigers character onto the rope. Griffon pummels him quickly, and Tiger sinks onto his haunches Tiger: You son of a... lunges forward with all his wait, launching a huge right hook and taking Griffon down for the duration. The computer shuts down, a victory siren flares on Tigers side* HAH! Thud Tiger: OW! Clutches his head Griffon: Just threw one of his wired gloves right into Tigers forehead Hehe... Tini: ...we need to go off on our own. This has got to be the sissiest testosterone in the world Security Guard: ...excuse me? Royce: AGH! Leaps three feet in the air I didnt do it! Nothing! Hi! Security Guard: ...hello. Does this belong to you? Pushes Pac forward, still holding on to the back of his shirt collar Tini: ...shoots a worried look at Royce... uh, maybe. Why, what did he do? Pac: Mutters Justice. I achieved justice. Security Guard: He got a little overly interactive with our Whack A Whole video game Tini and Royce look over at the machine that Pac had been playing at... there are several footprints on the top of it, and smoke is steadily rising in billows from the game itself Tini: No. No, he does not belong to us. Security Guard: ...Im afraid well be hauling him in then. Thats a very expensive machine. Royce: Sighs Yes, hes ours. He came free at the pet store with my new boa constrictor. Apparently he tastes like sugar to snakes Security Guard: ........releases Pac and walks away, muttering about ‘those fuckin kids...’ Pac: Ugh... fucker... thanks. Royce: Any time. You owe me some new clothing by the way. Pac: Oh God, how did I guess... what the hell do you need? Royce: Grins darkly* To the lingerie store! Tini: Word... Pac: ...eyes wide... Tiger: Stumbles up, clutching his bruised foreward Hey, you guys see me win? The three of them look at him Tiger: ...what did I miss? Cut scene Estrogen central. The entire atmosphere is clogged with perfumes, candles, and the smell of the pheremone women secrete when they see something utterly useless and incredibly expensive. Tini walks up ahead, looking around happily, with Griffon walking lightly at her side, and Royce lags behind, having to foribly drag Pac each step they take. Tiger is lounging by the entrance, peering in occasionally, shuddering, and darting to a near by bench Tini: Scoops up a red doo hickey Oh my god... you would look so good in this Griffon: ...really? Dont you think itd be a little revealing? Tini: .....I was talking to Royce. But now that you mention it... holds it up in front of Griffon and purses her lips thoughtfully Pac: Wait a second! You just said that would look good on Royce! Tini: Yeah... so? Pac: Well... why the hell did you push me into the bath tub when I said you two dug each other? Royce: Ugh... releases her hold on Pacs arm and wipes her hand on Griffons sleeve Tini: Sighs Several reasons. First and foremost, it was amusing, and humor is something these rambles certainly need more of. Second, your a pervert. Third, girls can say girls would look good in something without sexual arousal being involved Pac: Nu-uh! Tini: Glares Yes huh. Big yes huh. Royce: Is quickly shoveling a few items of crotchless G-Strings into her backpack, absently turns around She right you know... and I want this... Royce proudly holds up a black satin push up bra Pac: Woah. Do I get to see you try it on? Royce: No. Pac: Sighs Fine, fine, lemme see the price tag... he grabs the tag and pulls it forward. His eyes go wide, and his jaw drops Youve go tto be kidding me! Royce: Cant you afford it? Pac: Im... not... poor. Royce: Then whats the problem? Holds it up in front of her shirt Dont you think its worth it? Pac: Itd be worth it If I was looking at it! But I wont be! Wait... Royce pauses Pac: Stares at the bra for a moment Could you hold that there for a few minutes? Royce: No! Pulls it away Do you have the money or not? Pac: Sighs Yes... He goes up to the counter and pays for the bra. While the sales person is distracted, Royce casually grabs a few dozen earrings Griffon: Sees her Aw, you are so bad girl... but your ears arent pierced... Royce: Oh, these arent for my ears. Griffon: Eyebrows raise You have piercings elsewhere? Royce: Not yet I dont. Cmon. Cutscene ...weird, as it would be called to all the ‘Norms’ of the world. Black clothing everywhere, spiked and dyed hair, Eminem, Marylin Manson, and Placebo logos abound the room. The store is Hot Topic, generally known as the home to freaks, weirdos, and outcasts everywhere Tiger: ...so what are you getting pierced? Royce: Smirks Ill give you two guesses... wiggles her chest Pac: Youve got to be kidding me... Royce: Nope! And here... rummages around in her pocket and pulls out a slip of paper Is a one time offer... you get your Nipples Pierced, and then you get two other piercings free. Im giving them to you guys Tini: ...which of us guys? Royce: Oh I dunno... you already have your nose and bellybutton... Pac: -and theres no way anyones poking any steel object through my body Royce: Well that settles it then! Tiger, Griffon, cmon... were getting ourselves pierced up! Griffon: Gets an odd look on his face Hm... Tiger: Sweet. Hook my up with an eyebrow hole, man. He speaks to a large, tall, pale teenager with a blue mowhawk who approached them. They explain the situation, and he quickly guides Royce, Tiger, and Griffon into a back room to do the piercings Pac: So... Tini: So... Pac: Will you sleep with me? Tini: What!? Pac: Just checkin... Suddenly, from the back room, a small yelp is heard Tiger: <Backroom> Ah son of a bitch... Pac: ...what a wuss Tini: I dont see you back there! Pac: ...Im allergic to metal Tini: No you arent! Pac: Fine! Im allergic to pain! And bitchy people! Look! Puts his hand on her arm and fakes a sneeze It runs like clockwork... Tini: Brushes his hand away Oh very funny Pac: So... Tini: The answer is still no Pac: Damnit! In the back room, two small, quick gasps of pain are heard. Tigers voice can be heard Tiger: ...you know, even with steel poking a hole in them, those are still fantastic Royce: ...strained... thank you... Griffon: Hm... you know, maybe I should get that done Tiger: No... no you shouldnt Royce: Yeah... Im with him Griffon: Sighs Fine. Original plan then Back outside Pac: Fantastic eh? Maybe I should go back there after all... Tini: Stops him Dont even think about it. Only Griffons left anyway Pac: What did he say he was getting pierced? Tini: He didnt... Tiger: <Back room> Ah dude, this is not right... An involuntary gasp for air is heard, and then suddenly the entire store is filled with an ear piercing shreik. Griffon comes darting out of the room, pants up but not fastened, holding his crotch and screaming Griffon: Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod... Pac: Oh dude... Tini: ..that is so sexy Griffon: Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.... Tiger and Royce come darting out of the back room after Griffon, looking concerned. Tiger has a steel bar through his upper left eyebrow, and Royces tight stretched shirt features two noticeable bumps Griffon: Ohgod... Tiger: I warned you... Griffon: Ohgodohgod... Royce: ...lets get him home and onto a block of ice before he starts having a seizure... here... Royce throws her Coupon and a wad of dollars at the Hot Topic clerk The five quickly dart for the exit, but right when they get to it, a dull, screeching alarm goes off Tiger: Oh if thats a metal detector I’m going to be so pissed... Guard: Runs up Stop right there! That detector... hey, aren’t you the goon I grabbed in the arcade!? Pac: .....no. Absolutely not. Guard: ...right. All right, empty your pockets, and you... points at Royce... let me see that backpack! Royce: ....murmurs, turns red, and hands the Guard her back pack. He rips it open and roots through it, pulling out dozens of stolen magazines, earrings, and clothes Pac: HEY! I bought you lingerie and you were just gonna take it!? Royce: ...looks down Guard: So you took these!? Royce: I...I... Pac: Blinks I did it! Guard: Turns to him Excuse me? Pac: Yep. I did it. Me. I put them in her back. My fault... Royce: Eyes widen No he d- Pac: Elbows her It was all me. Guard: ....all right sir, Ill be sure to make a note of your confession. Now your coming with me! Griffon: Excuse me. Guard: Glances at him What do you want? Griffon: Nothing... just... YAH! Griffon lashes out with a shot to the Guards jaw, meant to knock him out. Instead, the mans head barely turns, and Griffon’s hand bounces off harmlessly Guard: .... Griffon: ...Falcon made that look a lot easier than it is Guard: OK, you too wise guy. Follow me. Royce: ...hey guard... Guard: Looks at her impatiently What!? Royce: YAH! Snatches her backpack away from him and swings it in an under hand fashion, catching the man right in the crotch. For a moment, he stares at her blankly, and then collapses bonelessly to the floor Tiger: Woah... cool. Tini: Cool!? We have got to stop assaulting enforcers of the law... Tiger: Good point. Group: .... Tiger: Run! The group flees Cutscene- back in the apartment. Tiger, Tini, and Griffon are leafing through the items that Royce stole Tiger: Woah... cool... Hustler... Tiger unfurls the centerfold of the magazine, and then turns his head sideways to get a better look at that Tini: ...I’m taking these. Stuffs several of the items Royce stole from Victoria’s Secret into her handbag Griffon: Woah... stealing from a thief. Cool. Goes to rise, winces, and instantly falls back Owowow... Tiger: ...so... how’s the- Griffon: It HURTS... Tiger: Ah... Tini: Wait a second... looks around as she grabs Royces stolen earrings... where are those two anyway? Tiger: Uh... I think Royce appreciated Pac trying to take the fall for stealing stuff... Tini: Why do you say that? BAM The three jump, and turn to look at the bathroom. The door has been knocked off its hinges, and Pac and Royce are splayed out on top of it Pac: ......wow.... Royce: I have got to stop destroying doors like that Tiger: ...great. There’s another broken thing in my apartment.