piece of lint that is waving and bouncing through the air. Tiger is sleeping upside down on the couch, his
feet strung up over the back of it and his head dangling a few inches above the floor, leaving his mouth
hanging wide open. Across the room from him, Royce and Falcon are taking turns trying to throw Bugles
into his open mouth, but most of them are missing and smacking him in the face. Utterly exhausted, he
doesnt stir. Pacs eyes are glued to the baseball game on the screen, but the speakers are broken, and hes
silently mouthing his own commentary to the action on the screen*
*A knock comes on the door*
Falcon: *Looks up in surprise* What the hell? Nobody knocks here... I mean Jesus, even if the doors locked,
Woody just picks it for us.
Royce: ...bill collectors, probably.
Falcon: For what? Woody and I spent a few hours in Tigers walls with a screw driver and a pair of wire
cutters and hooked him up with stolen electricity, cable, and water.
Royce: Heating?
Falcon: In the middle of summer? I know youre hot and all, but I dont think you need to take it to the literal
sense
Royce: Ok, then cooling?
Falcon: ...doubtful. I dont even think Stripes has an air conditioner, during hot days we just dump all the ice
out of his freezer and lay on it for a while.
Pac: *Glances over, irritated* You know, instead of arguing over who the fuck it could be, why dont you go
check?
Falcon: ...good point. *He hops up and goes to the door, throwing it open. He sees a man in a blue uniform
standing there, and almost instantly panics, before realizing its a mail man* Hey dude, what can I do for
you?
Mailman: A stiff drink would be nice, but the home office gets a little touchy about that. Are you Tiger
Rhodes?
Falcon: *Pauses* Sure.
Mailman: Well here you go. *Hands Falcon a thick envelope* And have a nice day.
Falcon: *Looks quizzicly at the envelope* Yeah... you to...
Royce: *Looks up* Whats that? *She tosses a final Bugle, which lands directly in Tigers mouth right when
he begins to inhale. He sucks the delicious salted corn chip cone right down his windpipe, and falls off the
couch choking*
Tiger: *Cough* What... the... *cough*... hell!?
Royce: You got a letter.
Tiger: *Gags a final time, then looks interested* Really? Is there a possibility that I have already won 10
million dollars?
Falcon: Nope. *Produces a switchblade randomly out of his pocket and slashes the envelope open with it.
Four smaller envelopes and a note fall out. He scoops up the note, and reads it* What the fuck...
Royce: What is it?
Note: Dear Tiger Rhodes, Brian Smith, Joshua Woodson, Joseph Lucia
We have sent the following four letters in a group for a simple reason: Tiger Rhode’s unattentiveness in
English has finally caught up to him, and he isnt talented enough to incorporate four seperate letters arriving
at the same time in this ramble. He should have studied harder.
Sincerely, Miss Young
Tiger: What the fuck... why did our old High School send us a letter?
Falcon: I unno... hey Woody, Lucia, you each got one of these to. You probably wanna come grab it.
Pac: ...ugh... *stares in disgust as the Yankees win again*... next time I see you Jeter, youre gonna get it
twice as bad...
Falcon: LUCIA!
Pac: *Jerks*... what!?
Falcon: Mail call.
*Pac and Woody amble over. Falcon slashes open his open envelope, and begins to read the letter inside
aloud*
Note: Dear Mr. Smith,
Being as it is that yourself and the three other young men we sent this message to have endeared themselves
to us as incredibly lazy and dependant on others, we will address each of the letters to the four of you in
similar terms. On April First, year 2001, Mr. Woodson, Mr. Smith, Mr. Lucia and Mr. Rhodes were all
absent from school grounds. This unexcused truancy would generally result in a fifty dollar fine per person,
but remember, we know you children. We know that while we were trying to teach you the very basics of
suceeding in life, you were off chasing fights, jokes, and girls. There is no doubt in any of our minds that the
four of you could not put ten dollars together if you pooled your resources.
Thus, instead of polluting the justice system with your prescense by letting this go to the courts, we have put
our heads together and come up with an alternative compensation. As difficult as it is for most of your
former teachers to bare, the four of you will be due for one full make up day of school on the 25th. Failure
to attend will both result in legal action and our attendence takers having flashbacks of essentially every
other time they expected you to be in school and you werent.
With exasperated affection, Mr. Zinn
Falcon: ...
Tiger: That was awfully rude for an administrative letter.
Woody: Dude, there is no way Im going to fuck back to school, even if it is for a day
Falcon: *Raises an eyebrow* Yeah, let them press charges, and trigger your probation... thats a real brilliant
strategy
Woody: ...good point
Pac: *Winces* So, what, were doing this?
Tiger: *Sighs*... yeah, were doing this.
*September 25th:*
*The four men walk through the high school doors roughly two minutes before the late bell is set to ring. A
few of the other stragglers stare at them, either recognizing some of their legendary statusses, their age, or
the fact that one of them is so obviously stoned its hard to imagine they could walk under the condition*
Woody: *Shudders* You feel that?
Pac: Yeah... what is it?
Tiger: I dont know... it seems familiar somehow...
Falcon: Evil. It is the tingly feeling of unfathomable evil.
Woody: So I forget this whole routine... do we just go straight to detention or what?
Tiger: No, Woody, thats after we fuck up. First, its lockers.
Woody: Oh yeah...
*The four of them walk down the senior hall to where their old lockers were located. Though new people
have obviously now been given them, the school is two cheap to change the locks, and thus Tiger easily
pops the combination on his, tosses the items inside onto the floor, and slings up his coat*
Woody: Ah fuck... how are we supposed to remember these?
Falcon: Maybe if you didnt smoke like a god damned chimney these simple facts wouldnt elude you. *Tries
to open the locker door, but the combination didnt register, and nothing happens* Son of a BITCH...
Pac: Haha! You couldnt get it! *His locker doesnt open either* Damn...
Falcon: Hey, I can do it! You just gotta be cool...
Woody: How is being cool going to help you open your locker?
Falcon: Easy. Fonze style. *Randomly combs back hair and shoots a thumbs up* Ehhhhh... *suddenly slams
his fist clean through the locker door, rips it off its hinges, and tosses it across the room* See?
Pac: ...woah...
Woody: I dont think the Fonze did it exactly like that
Falcon: What, you got a better solution?
Woody: ...yes. *Pulls a small pouch out of his pocket, and from that he pulls a long metal disc, which he
slide sthrough the seam between the lockers edge and its door. There is a pop as the locking mechanism is
triggered, and the door pops open* Hah!
Falcon: ...bah... I should have limited it to non criminal methods
Woody: *Looks at the twisted and broken locker door lying on the floor* Vandalism isnt a crime?
Falcon: ...good point.
*The group starts to walk off, and then realizes that Pac hasnt budged*
Pac: *Chanting to himself* Just like Fonze, just like Fonze... *rears back and punches the locker door.*
Tiger: ....
Pac: OWWW! *Grabs hand and jumps around. The door is perfectly fine.* SON OF A-
Falcon: *Covers Pacs mouth* Not in school, dude. Were already late, we dont need any more trouble.
Pac: *Looks around* We arent late... the bell didnt ring yet
*Bell rings*
Pac: ...ah.
Falcon: Lets hurry...
*The four rush to their homeroom class, and go to pull the door open. Its locked. They knock on it
frantically, but the teacher inside pretends not to notice them*
Woody: ...and the cycle of shame begins again
*Cut scene- Principals Office*
Principal: Now boys... I hope you realize we instated this special punishment as a way to keep you out of
trouble, yes?
*They nod*
Principal: And that none of us are particurally glad to see any of you again?
*Nod*
Principal: So dont you think the least you could have done was shown up on time and at least given us a
brief moment of hope that youd changed your ways?
*Hesitate... and nod*
Principal: Good. Try to remember that for the rest of the day. Ill forgoe giving you tardy slips simply
because I lost the customized stamps I had made with each of your names on it to save time. Hurry, and
youll make it on time to your next class.
*The leave his office*
Woody: ...what is our next class anyway?
Tiger: *Looks at the schedule the Principal gave them* ...Algebra
Pac: Ah... *fuck*...
*Cutscene- Algebra Room. The teacher is droning worthlessly on and on, pointing at a variety of
indechiperable formulas and graphs. In various states of agony our four heroes are sitting in the back row of
the room, wishing theyd just stuck up a bank and stollen the fine cash. Woody, among them, is the luckest,
as at least he sees the blackboard behind the dumpy teacher as a collerful swirl of dots as opposed to the
cool gray slate it really is. Pac has his eyes closed and is frantically muttering ‘Yankees suck’ to himself over
and over again to keep his sanity, while Tiger is digging his fingernails ever deeper into his own palm, and
Falcon just suceeded into scratching clean through his wooden desk with a pen*
Teacher: *Que Peanuts-esque indechiperable horn noise for teacher talking*
Falcon: Agh..... *raises hand*
Teacher: *Apprehensively raises eyebrow* Yes, Brian?
Falcon: ...*winces at the sound of his own name*... I have a question
Teacher: Yes, I gathered that when you rose your hand. What is it?
Falcon: Do you hate yourself, or just children?
Teacher: ..excuse me?
Falcon: Youre wasting two groups of peoples time by doing this. Yours. And ours. Now, that alone is not
worth the payroll you suck up each year and constantly bitch about. So why do it?
Teacher: I am educating these children to compete in the real world. Now if youre quite done...
Falcon: Youre teaching them how to be on an MTV reality show?
Teacher: What??
Falcon: Nothing. Look, lady, Ive graduated. I have a job. In fact, Ive had several in the last few weeks alone.
Never, in one of them, have I ever needed to know a single god damn thing youre trying to teach me here.
Teacher: ...*primly*... I dont expect fast food locations to use advanced mathematics, so If you please...
Falcon: *Leans back in his chair, muttering angrily* Fucking bitch...
Teacher: Excuse me!?!?
*Cutscene- 30 seconds later- Once again in the principals office*
Principal: ...*sighs*...
Tiger: Hey, how do you think we feel? Your office has a real tales from the crypt vibe going, we dont like
being here any more than you like having us
Principal: Boys, youve been here an hour, and most of that has been spent either in this room or in the
waiting room to get into this room. Youre going to break your old school records. I dont even know what
to tell you...
Pac: So dont. Well say what were supposed to. We will now commit the rest of our days to bettering
ourselves and more acutely following the stern but fair guidlines set by yours truly. Can we go now?
Principal: ...yes. I dont want to see you again. Ever.
Woody: Oh, dont worry, you wont.
*Cutscene- 120 seconds later*
Principal: ....just tell me why you deemed it necessary to start kicking the mascot after you already knocked
it out. Thats all I want to know.
Falcon: ...it was a big furry squirrel. What the hell did you want me to do, *not* knock it out and kill it?
Principal: Yes!
Falcon: ....oh.
Principal: Get out. Just get out. Now.
*Cutscene- The cafeteria. While Falcon remembered enough about school to bring a thermos full of soup-
the one thing he can make- from home, Tiger, Pac, and Woody werent so lucky. Theyre standing glumly is
line to get to the over cooked, under nourishing, and completely inedible food stuffs*
Tiger: Oh my god... please tell me that isnt fucking Beanie Weanies...
Woody: I can not tell you is, but that isnt changing the fact that it most definetely is.
Pac: You think someone woulda sued them by now
Tiger: ...or at the very lead choked on their own Beanie Weanie filled vomit
Woody: You know what, screw this. If I need to eat stuff thats more damaging than poison but less tasty,
then Im sure as hell not waiting in line for it.
*Woody grabs two freshman by the back of their collars and hurls them off to the side, shooking one a
menacing look when they try to complain. He burrows through the group of teenagers like snow, and Pac
and Tiger walk directly behind him to reap the free path benefits of his violent tirades*
Random Senior: *A ratty looking kid with greasy hair, acne, and a nasal whine voice* Hey, no cuts!
Tiger: ...whats that on your shirt, dude?
Random Senior: *Looks down* Huh?
Pac: *Snatches the drink from the guys tray and tosses it to Tiger, then takes the desert for himself*
Tiger: Nothing, nevermind. In fact, you can even go ahead of me
RS: Well... thanks... *walks ahead*
Pac: *Trips him*
RS: Agh! *Sprawls on the floor, dumping the contents of his tray everywhere*
Pac: Hehe. Nerd boy go boom.
Tiger: ...your life gets emtpier by the day, doesnt it?
Pac: ...mhm.
*They pay for their food and quickly try to maneuver themselves over to Falcons table, only to discover to
their immense disgust it has been crammed with the entire varisty cheerleader squad. Thongs, stuffed bras,
and over made upped faces are everywhere, and amid the sea of giggles, purrs, and cartoon squirrel like
sneezes, Falcons head can be seen, occasionally bobbing up in down in agreement of something said*
Woody: ...jesus fuck.
Tiger: *Raises eyebrow as one of the cheerleaders bends over to retrive a fallen fork* Jesus fuck indeed.
Pac: This is bullshit. I need to confess to a theft I didnt commit to get laid, and this asshole is just sitting
there!
Tiger: ...its the ‘silent sexy’. I dont get it, but chicks... or Griffon... can just sit silently in a room with the
prick and start to get hot.
Woody: ...hate him.
Pac: ...ditto. In fact, I think Ive lost my appetite
Tiger: Yeah, me to. And considering the sight of this food itself, and the greasy, dandruffed, decrepit old
ladies who served it didnt do that feat, you know this is just wrong...
*The three dump out their food and leave the cafeteria, leaving Falcon behind in his bimbo mob*
*Cutscene- Gym Class. The class is relatively small, and co-ed, so it is featuring the three guys, a few high
school males, and a few girls gathered around a large knotted rope that is hanging down from the ceiling.
There is a bell at the top.*
Pac: ...oh fuck no.
Tiger: Dont these people realize there is an advantage to being on the ground? You can only fall so far, so it
doesnt hurt when you hit the ground, and you dont *splat* when you hit the ground, more importantly...
Woody: Hey, dude with the whistle!
*The Gym Teacher walks over*
Gym Teacher: Can I help you?
Woody: Yes. You can light that dangling piece of thread on fire so it never curses another group of
adolescents again.
Gym Teacher: ...you have a problem with climbing the rope?
Woody: Several, yes.
Gym Teacher: Wait a minute... *squints*... your three of the kids theyre having make up an extra day in my
class!
Pac: Yeah? So?
Gym Teacher: Ill tell you what. You will all climb this rope, and if you dont get to the top, I will turn in a
report to the office that you never showed up to my class. Thus, you will need to make up yet another day.
If you do not climb the rope that day, I will do the same, and you will never have a free day again until you
climb this rope. We clear?
Pac: ....
Tiger: Uh, crystal... *looks at the rope* Ugh. *Tiger leaps up and catches hold of the rope, and quickly
hauls himself halfway up with a series of tugs. At this point his arms start to get tired, and his hands begin to
ache from clutching the old, brittle, and sweat stained rope. His shoulders tremble for a minute, and he slips*
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Thud*
Woody: ...*just moved a foot to the side so Tiger wouldnt land on him* That looked bad.
Pac: *Also moved a foot to one side, but due to poor judgement actually moved directly under Tigers falling
path. Tiger hit him like a bag of bricks, and hes out cold*
Tiger: *Rolls off him* Woah... cool... *glances over* Hey Lucia, you ok?
Pac: ...
Tiger: Lucia?
Pac: ...
Tiger: Uh, you might want to call the nurse...
Gym Teacher: Ok, but you still havent climbed the rope...
Tiger: *Glares at him* Ill climb your fucking rope when you get some smelling salts in here, aight?
Woody: Wait a minute... that gives me an idea... hey! Pac!
Pac: *Doesnt stir*
Woody: Youre lying under the rope!
Pac: ...
Woody: And theres this cute freshman chick climbing it!
Pac: *Eye lids begin to flicker*
Woody: And shes in a skirt!
Pac: *Sits straight up, eyes wide, looking up the rope* Woah... mmmmmmmm....
Tiger: ...cancel the smelling salts. *Looks up* Eh. She looks snobby.
Pac: Her name is Liz
Woody: And how the hell do you know that?
Pac: ...she has it tatooed on her-
Gym Teacher: *Blows his whistle* All right! Good word, Elizabeth! Next!
Woody: Ugh... I guess I should try it... *climbs the rope with minimal difficulty, rings the bell, and drops
down* Woah.
Tiger: ...since when the fuck could you climb?
Woody: I unno. So that, and bouncing quarters into peoples glasses. My only skills
Tiger: Ugh... dont remind me. I think I still have a hangover.
Pac: *Rolls over a few times* Can I be excused from this due to the severe blow I received?
Gym Teacher: *Sighs* Yes. That leaves you, red head.
Tiger: ....*gives him a dirty look*...
*Suddenly, the doors burst open. Falcon stumbles in, looking very weak in the knees, covered in various
shades of lipstick, scratches, and he even has some pom pom lace in his hair*
Tiger: ...oh great. Bird boi, the human bimbo vibrator...
Falcon: Mmmmmm... whassup, bub?
Tiger: We gotta get to the top of that bell or we have to come back here tommorow
Falcon: That sounds pretty damned good to me.
Tiger: ...but for those of us who didnt defile the good, home grown, girl next store christian chicks, its not
so fun.
Falcon: ...im not convinced.
Woody: Youd need to wake up at 6 am every day.
Falcon: *Eyes go wide. In one quick motion, he seizes Tiger by the front of his shirt, and grabs the rope with
his other arm. Flexing powerfully he hauls them up to the top in a matter of second, rings the bell, and drops
down*
Tiger: Jesus dude... rushing the end of the ramble a bit?
Falcon: Ne...
Woody: I cant believe you just gave up on all the cheerleaders.
Falcon: [Inside Joke] Yeah, but I think Ill pull a Griffon and switch to field hockey players.... [/Inside Joke]
Liz: *Ambles up to Falcon. They now see she has a field hockey ensignia on her gym shirt* Heyyy... whats
your name?
Falcon: *Raises eyebrow*
Liz: Mmmmmmm...
Tiger: .....hate him. So fuckin much.