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"..have you ever wondered what someone like Jon Kitna does when they're playing a game like 'Madden'? I mean, you would have to play yourself in a video game, right? So what happens if you suck? Would there be anything worse than having a crummy rating, or watching your character make terrible plays and repeatedly let his team down? It's like a constant reminder that you're a failure at your own position."- Sports Guy ESPN.com AND NOW ONTO THE QUOTES: Killer Umbrellas?...of course!" - Homer Repeat after me: the life of the wife is ended by the knife." - Stewie Lisa: Dad, we did something very BAD! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes! Homer: But the car's OK? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: Alright then. Marge, u being the cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman and i have no interest in that except for occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed is strictly a comfort thing." - Homer Marge:(to Bart)Oh bart...maybe it'll turn out he was innocent all along. Homer: Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there...the clown's G-I-L-L-T-Y. “A male models life is a precious commodity.Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features...it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.” – Derrick Zoolander Matilda: So when did you know you wanted to be a model I guess it would have to be the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal and I remember thinking, ‘wow, you’re ridiculously good looking.’-Derrick Zoolander Derrick: I thought you were gonna tell me what a bad eugoogilizer I am. Matilda: A what? Derrick: A eugoogilizer...one who speaks at funerals...or did you think I’d be too stupid to know what a eugoogily was. "Moisture is the essence of wetness....and wetness is the essence of beauty." - Derrick Zoolander Homer: Why did I take such punishment? Let’s just say the fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug...was the drugs. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. Lets see……’it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?’ You stupid monkey! Marge: Where have you been young man its nearly bedtime? Brainwashed Bart: I was…I was….I was at the flower shop. Homer: Uhh, yeah, I was at the flower shop too. Yup, getting drunk at the old flower shop. Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous. Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us! Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super Marge: Homer, there’s a man here who thinks he can help you. Homer: Batman? Marge: No, he’s a scientist. Homer: Batman’s a scientist. Marge: It’s NOT Batman! Luigi: Homer isa outta control . He gave me a bad review… so my friend put a horse head in his bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review. True story. Peter: Oh, I had such a crush on her…until I met you, Lois. You’re my silver medal. Peter:…And that’s my plan, Principal Shepard. So, you with me? Principal: But you didn’t tell me anything, you just sat down and said, “that’s my plan.” Apu: Hello, Simpsons! Homer:Hey Apu, Manjula. You guys are still married? Apu:Oh yes sir, quite happily. Homer:Pay up, Marge. Marge:[smiles uneasily] Say, what you got there? Apu:[holding up a bag with a penguin statue in it]I don't know, exactly. It's from the room of lamps that do not look like lamps. [turns it on, and the penguin's eyes blink. Maggie, entranced, reaches for it] Manjula:Oh, Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow. [picks her up, and does a little baby-talk] Marge: Maggie loves baby talk. Manjula: That was Hindi. Apu: No, still no luck. Tell me, Homer, did you have to take any special steps when you decided to have children? Homer: Decided? [laughs] That's classic! Decided ... Homer: Free baby cola? Apu hits the jackpot, and I'm stuck with these juiceless one-tuplets. Bart: Gee, sorry for being born. Homer: I've been waiting so long to hear that. [hugs Bart, who shrugs and hugs back] Peter: My dad worked at that mill for sixty years, that’s almost eighty years. Homer: All you can eat?-hah! Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, The Neverending Story. "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow i managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day." - Homer "This is papa bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." - Chief Wiggum Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Homer: Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Wiggum: Forget it, thats two blocks away. Lou: Looks like theres beer coming out of the chimney. Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot; call in a code eight. Lou:(into radio) We need pretzels; repeat, pretzels. Faith: Lisa, Im Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest. Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really, really...good. "Hey Bart, remember when I asked you if your dog ate my goldfish and you told me I didnt have any goldfish? Why did I have the bowl, Bart? WHY did I have the bowl?" - Milhouse Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friends anymore. That's why you couldn't come to the party. Bart: What's she got against me? Milhouse: She says your a bad influence. Bart: Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother! "Hello, Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check....Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt." - Moe Marge: Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy. Homer: Oh, look at me! Im making people happy! Im the magical man from happyland in a gumdrop house on lollypop lane! (Smithers testing Homer for a job) Smithers: Next. There's a problem with the reactor-what do you do? Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?? (Homer leaps from chair) Homer: We're all going to die!! (Homer runs out of room screaming) Lisa: Maybe we should write her another letter. One thats says goodbye, but lets her feel loved. Homer: Step aside everyone? Sensitive love letters are my specialty. (Homer rips off a sheet or paper and writes) Homer: Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you. Homer: Well, time to go to work. Homer's Brain: Little do they know, I'm ducking out to take the Duff Brewery tour. Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan. Homer's Brain: heh,heh,heh. They don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant! Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery! Homer's Brain: Uh oh, Did I say that or just think it? Homer: I gotta think of a line fast! Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? Homer: Aaaaahhhh (Runs away to car and drives away) "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." - Homer Teacher: Now, Im, uh, going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has. Homer: NOoooooo! Teacher: The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet donut. Homer: (sobbing) THIs is not happening! This is not happening! Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. Marge: Is that bad? Hutz: Well, hes had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. Marge: You did? Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son". Bart: Take him away boys. Wiggum: Hey, Im the chief here! Bake him away, toys. Lou: What'd you say chief? Wiggum: Do what the kid says. Stillwater: Well, Homer. I guess you're the winner by default. Homer: De-fault! The two sweetest words in the English language. "Bart! With $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like...love." - Homer "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." - Homer Homer: I could help others. I'll get a bunch of monkey's, dress em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people! Homer: Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people. Which they almost certainly would. "Its a plan so brilliant my head would explode if i even began to know what i was talking about." - Peter "There's an important lesson to be learned here...Its always better to watch stuff..then to do stuff." - Homer "Hey there big guy...how ya doin?...do u want a so-da?....hmmm?.....oh hell, i tried." - Stewie Art Guy: Chris, you can't see your father ever again. Chris: Well Im sure he'll understand.....whhhaaaaaaatttttttt? "the devil's desktop is equipped with a Windows-based program." Kramer: You're an anti-dentite. Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite....next thing you know you're going to be saying they should have their own schools.. Jerry: They DO have their own schools! Bart: Ooh..I want an Elephant. Lisa: You had an Elephant, its name was Stampy, you loved him very much. Bart: Oh yeah. Bart: Rough day, Apu. Help me a squishee and don't spare the syrrup. Apu: Oh, perhaps you would like to try an experimental flavour of my own concuction. A delicious Chutney Squishee.. Bart: Oh... okay <slurp> Apu: You can really taste the chutney! Lionel Hutz: I'd Like to call one of those bad court thingies. Judge: You mean a mistrial. Hutz: Yeah thats it!...Thats why ur the Judge and i'm the law...talkin..guy. Homer: So your not going to eat meat anymore? Lisa: Thats right. Homer: You mean no more ham. Lisa: Nope. Homer: What about bacon...? Lisa: No. Homer: Sausage, Porkchops? Lisa: DAD!...Those all come from the same animal. Homer: Hehe...Oh right Lisa, a MAGICAL animal. Homer: Ooh, appetizers! Sideshow Bob: Well Homer, what should we serve? Homer: Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce, it looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it aint ketchup. Homer: Give it back, or we'll bust in there and take it! Shelby's Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look! Homer: Stupider like a FOX! Homer: Woohoo! Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Bart/Homer: EAT MY SHORTS!!! Ned: Yes, eat all of our shirts! Homer: Found em! You kids are in big trouble! Running away from home like this. Bart: But they stole our lemon tree! Homer: I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna... LEMON TREE!? Bart: Milhouse, you and me will be Omega team, Todd, you and Data are 'Team Strike Force'. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin. Martin: Team Discovery Channel! Nelson: Aww... your wussiness better come in handy. Shelby: No time to check it out now, we've got Lemonade to sell! Milhouse #2: Haha, radical. Bart: They're getting rich of us! Milhouse: And that kid with the backpack said "radical"! I say "radical"! That's my thing that I say! I think Im gonna explode here! Bart: Hey, stop talking bad about my town, man! Shelby: Why don't you make me! Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it! Shelby: Well then I guess you're a garbage man! Bart: I know you are but what am I? Shelby: A garbage man! Bart: Oh I know you are but what am I? Shelby: A garbage man! Bart: I know you are but what am I? Shelby: A garbage man! Bart: Takes one to know one! Data: Check mate! Marge: This town is a part of who you are! This is a Springfield Isotopes Cap... when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield! When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield! When you make Lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield! Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield. Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about 45 year old virgins who still live with their parents? Nerdy Woman: Comb the Sweetarts out of your beard and you're on! Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, baby! Lisa: Oh my god, someone has to go back in for Maggie! Homer: Forget Maggie, she's gone! Marge: I've got Maggie! Leavelle: As a bodyguard your only loyalty is to your protectee, not to your family, not to your country, not to Muhammed. Homer: Even during Ramadan? Leavelle: Shut your sass-hole boy! These melons represent your protectees. Throughout this course you will protect your personal melon as if it was paying your salary. Homer (eating melon): What? Wiggum: Alright you two are under arrest for joyriding. You have the right to remain um... silent? That doesn't sound right... Bart: Come on dad, I've gotta go to the bathroom. Homer: Oh I just got comfortable, use the bottle. Marge: No! I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hobos do! Bart: Come on, Homer! Homer: No! Bart: Mom! Marge: Oh, geez, Homer take him to the bathroom! Homer: Fine, I don't even know why we have a bottle... Can somebody tell me! Judge: Grand theft auto!? Bart: It was an accident, ma'am! Judge: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting! Homer(angrily): What did she say about cupcakes? Homer:(drunk) Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him! Bart: Dad, you did it! Homer:(drunk)You can't prove I did it. Lisa: No, you saved us! Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money. Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done! Homer: Oh, You say that so much it's lost all meaning. Lady: There are thousands of people like you with no discernable talent. Homer: Yeah, they're called congress! HEHEHE.. Lady: Shutup. Homer: Okay. Marge: I want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything! Or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy. Garth Motherloving: Hmmm.. that'll boost sales! While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler? Homer: Oh no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born! Prosecutor: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive; Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? Judge: What is the point of all this? Prosecutor: Your honor, I am so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt that I can waste the court's time by rating the superhunks. Marge: We can't afford a pony. Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices we can't afford NOT to buy a pony. "So You've Ruined Your Life"-Pamphlet Dr. Hibbert gives Marge after telling her she is pregnant. Marge: How was your day at work, dear? Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this,open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough... Ralph: My cat's breath smells like catfood. Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed, continue swimming naked. Aww, c'mon, continue! Come on! Awww...alright Lou, open fire. Hutz: So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything? Apu: No. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is one. Homer: MMmmmm...pie Marge: Didn't John seem a little...festive to you? Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam. Marge: He prefers the company of men! Homer: Who doesn't! Marge: Homer... listen carefully. John is a Ho-mo Homer: ..Right... Marge: Sexual! [homer screams] Wiggum: Ah let me put it this way..... I'm looking for my friend 'Bill'. Have you seen any... "bills" around here Homer: .....no....he's Bart... Homer: Carny's took over our house, you've gotta help us! Wiggum: Well well, look who's here, Mr. No-bribe! Sure, we'll help you, just sit down and wait for detective like I give a damn! Homer: Thank you so much! Lisa: Uhh, Dad..... Homer: Just a minute honey, daddy's waiting for the detective. Homer: Oh my god, I don't know jack about my boy! I'm a bad father! Selma: You're also fat! Homer: I'm also fat! Homer: Please please, I wanna make the team! Clements, did I make the team? Clemens: You sure did! Homer: I did? Woohoo! Woohoo! In your face Strawberry. Clemens: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey Jr.? Homer: No... Clemens: Sorry, didn't mean to get your hopes up. Homer: Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast, how old are you? Uh huh, and what's your birthday?... No kidding, and what's Lisa's birthday? What, you don't know your sisters birthday, what kind of brother are you? Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play? Marge: Um, I don't think so. Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions... Is there any frontal nudity? Marge: No, Homer Ralph: Wanna play stuffed animal parade? Bart: Maybe later.Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop! There must be some cool stuff around here, bullets, dead body photos, what have you. Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet. But he says I'm not allowed in there. Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed in there? Ralph: Yes. Bart: [pause] Well, I'm goin' in anyway! What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?-Chief Wiggum Bart: Woah, mama, the electric chair! [sniffs] Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice. Ralph: Smells like hot dogs. Castro: Comrads, our nation is completely bankrupt! We have no choice but to abandon communism! All: [sighs] Castro: I know, I know, I know... but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly! I'll call Washington and tell them they won. Man: But presidente, America tried to kill you! Castro: Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco! Man 2: [whispers in Castro's ear] Castro: It's full of WHAT?! Krusty: [laughs] Man, you think the quality would dip after fifty-five hundred shows! But... [laughs] Lady: Well, the FCC isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy. Krusty: Oh, please! What don't they learn? Don't trust mice, cats are made of glass... Skinner: Lisa, Channel 6 is launching a children's news program. And they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor-child. Lisa: [gasps] Oh my gosh! [mimicking reporter] Today's top story: little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true. Skinner: Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor. Lisa: [crosses legs] I know. I already jumped to that conclusion. Skinner: Oh. All right, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor. Lisa: [excitedly] Me? [Skinner pauses and holds up a sash reading "monitor".] Skinner: Take your sash and go. Bart: Well, don't worry about sports. I got that covered. Lisa: Back off, Bart. This may be the only chance I get as a second-grader to produce my own TV show, and I'm not gonna let you screw it up. Bart: Mo-o-om!! Marge: Oh, let your brother do sports. Lisa: Mo-o-om!! Marge: That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me! Joe Banks, eighty-two years young, has come to this pond every day for the past seventeen years, to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery. The ducks...were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada. Others say, Toronto. And some people think, that Joe used to sit down there, [camera moves to another nearby pond] near those ducks. But it could be, that there's just no room in this modern world, for an old man...and his ducks. I'm Bart Simpson. So, by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one's the wiser. Tomorrow, "Destroying The Evidence".-- Milhouse's news report Marge: Ooh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party. Homer: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor? Marge: Well, maybe we could use it once, and then return it. Homer: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here. Marge: I feel terrible. The Van Houtens split up at our party. Homer: Marge, please, that was twenty minutes ago. Marge: I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting: "You are a coward." No one likes to hear that after a nice meal. Homer: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on. Kirk: You're letting me go?! Boss: Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without. Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years: "So long, good luck"? Boss: I don't recall saying "good luck." Marge: You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids. Homer: Ohhh. [slaps forehead] Bart: Oh, quit complaining. It's half the work of a divorced dad. Homer: Yeah, but it's twice as much as a deadbeat dad. Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch. Wiggum: Don't worry. Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence. Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house. It's, uh, it's taken over the whole top floor. [tape ends] Bart: It wasn't Dad's fault. The ape tricked him. Homer: Okay, last question. Who is your favorite Back Street Boy? Lenny:Oh! The little rat-faced one. Carl: No, no, no -- Nick! He's so good to his mother. Homer:According to this, you're both idiots. Lenny: Hey, thanks. What do we owe you? Homer: Family meeting! Family meeting![the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats] Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families. [all laugh]All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup. Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it. Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant. [gasps, and turns to Homer] You lost all our money? Homer: Point of order -- I didn't lose "all" the money. There was enough left for this cowbell. [rings it softly, and the bell breaks apart in his hands]Damn you, eBay! Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant. Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother. Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU. Marge: Forget it! Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was. Scientist 1: I'm sorry; we don't play God here. Homer: That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God, and I think your octo-parrot would agree.[points to a creature with the body and head of a parrot, but with tentacles instead of wings and legs] Polly: Awk! Polly shouldn't be! Oh, Bob, you repaid my abuse with raw hatred But I need you today,Oh, Bob, well you went to Apu's and you framed me So they locked me away ...Bob: Oh, that sweet, funny man. Bob: Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder. Krusty: Will you stop with the sorry? Every time you try to kill me, my ratings go through the roof, you nut! Bob: We are good together, Krusty. Krusty: It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty. Bob: Ugh, don't remind me. [Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou wheel a guillotine up to the table] Wiggum: Okay, where do you want to do this thing? Bob: Isn't it customary to have a trial? Wiggum: Oh, a wise guy, eh? Marge: How's your back, Homey? Homer: I can't complain. [indicates a sign which reads, "No Complaining"] Warden: Ah, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want. Homer: Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much! And my job is so unfulfilling! Marge: I hope this is okay. It's not very prison-y. Jack (the cowboy): It's more than I deserve, ma'am. Now, which way is Mecca, 'cause I got to do a little praying. Marge: Uh, Mecca? Well, let-- Jack: [laughs] No, I'm just yanking your chain. I'm Jewish. Homer: Oh, my back! Dr. Steve didn't do anything. Bart: Did you do those exercises he gave you? Homer: Yeah, right. I did 'em while you were studying.[they both laugh. Bart gives Homer a high five, and Homer falls backward over a trash can] Oh! Ow! Bart: Dad? Are you okay? Homer: Yeah. In fact, [gets up] I feel fantastic. [does a little dance] Bart: That trash can must have un-kinked your back. Homer: Not trash can, son -- Dr. Homer's Miracle Spine-O-Cylinder! [protectively] Patent pending. Ned: Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. Homer: My car, your roof; it's only fair. Ned: But it's my car. Homer: Well, yeah. Ned: Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business? Homer: I never had a snowplow business. Ned: Sure you did -- Mr. Plow. You're wearing the jacket right now. Homer: I think I know my own life, Ned. [singing] Call Mr. Plow, that's my name; that name again is Mr. Plow. Lisa: What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall. Lisa: I can't believe you're not still popular. Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Homer: All the time! That was the title of our second album. Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk? Lisa: Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt. Homer's brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid. Homer: Takes one to know one. Homer's brain: Swish! Bart: I was sitting there! Lisa: I don't see your name on it! Bart: It's right there! Marge: Bart, don't write on the rug. Homer: Look at these bills: chains for elephant. Shots for elephant.-- "Oversized decorative poncho"?! Bart: Technically it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little. Homer: Well these bills will have to paid out of your allowance. Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1000 a week. Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy. Blackheart: Mr. Simpson, I think you'll find this amount more than fair. Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory. Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low. Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. [goes to another line]Wiggum...yeah, right, mister, mm hm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK.[goes to another line]Wiggum...Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Lisa: Dad! You're sinking. Homer: Huh? Marge: Get a rope, Bart? Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face. Peter: Now Chris, before you go on a cruise you gotta build up a base tan. Chris: But dad, I heard if you use tanning beds you can get something called melanoma. Peter: Oh that’s just fancy talk for “sexified.” Peter: Look at all the garbage those leafers left out here...New York Post, New York Times, New York Mets. Security Guard: Alright son, Im gonna need those two hams back. Chris: I don’t have any hams. Guard: Lift up your shirt, son. Chris: I need an adult!I need an adult! Guard: You’re not a shoplifter, you’re just a fat kid…huh, sorry about that fatty fat fatty…hey Tom, he’s just a fat, aren’t you fatty? You’re just a big old fat kid. Here’s some chocolate fatso. Valet: I’m sorry sir, you can’t park your car on the diving board. Lois: This is my son! Valet: My apologies…Hey Tom, it’s not a van, he’s just a fat kid. Lois: Jump in honey. Don’t be afraid, the turtle will keep you safe. Stewie: Oh, for god sake. I’m to entrust my life to a turtle…nature’s D-student. Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is it probably runs like you...very homosexually. Quagmire: I dunno fellas, I think there's some potential in this crowd...hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me your lower east side. Trans:(In husky voice) Sure. Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite, back off! Wait, pre-op or post-op? Trans: Pre-op Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite, back off! Peter: Come fight the ass-kicking housewife, she floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee. Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait? Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better. Lois: You pasted it over me! Peter: Yeah I think it looks better. Lois: Okay let's do some role reversal... Stewie: Ooh, me next...Im the dog, I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio but I'm not above eatig grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small rug near the door Brian(the dog): I'm a pompous little anti-christ who will probably give up my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim. Meg: But Mom, it could change my life! Lois: For the last time, you’re not getting plastic surgery. Meg: Why not, it’s totally safe. A lot of famous people have done it. (Switch to Eskimo family in Alaska) Eskimo Father: My son, your place is here in the ice village, you know nothing of Hollywood and its ways. Eskimo boy: But father, I have dreams and courage and the name of an excellent cosmetic surgeon. Fear not, someday word will reach you of the great Eskimo actor, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Peter: Oh crap, Lois' anger management techniques aren't working Brian: Well, did you try writing angry letters and not sending them? Peter: We weren't supposed to send those? Meg: Hey, I got a letter from dad...(reading)Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life I thought you were a housecat. Stewie:(reading)Dear Stewie, Get out. Peter: There’s nothing these kids learn in school that they can’t learn on the street… [Switch to two urban kids on a street corner] Street Kid #1: It’s 3 o’clock, where the hell is Luis? Street Kid #2: Well, you tell me. Luis left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 MPH. What time will Luis arrive? Street Kid #1: Depends on if he stops to see his ho. Street Kid #2: That’s what we call a variable… Now listen, you may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. – Peter Griffin Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father….and raped my mother. Quagmire: Here’s to the drunken clam, where they don’t ask for proof of age…and neither do I. Peter: I bought us volcano insurance. Lois: Volcano insurance? That’s ridiculous. Peter: That’s the same thing you said when you talked me out getting cloud insurance. Look at them up there...just plottin, pickin their moment. National Gun Association Ad: So remember, guns don't kill people...dangerous minorities do. German Tourguide:...You’ll find more about German arts in the pamphlets provided. Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet, I’m not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There’s just a big gap. Tourguide: EVERONE WAS ON VACATION….on your left is Munich’s first city hall. Brian: What are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and... Tourguide: WE WERE INVITED, PUNCH WAS SERVED…CHECK WITH POLAND. Brian: You can’t just ignore those years...Thomas Mann fled to America because of Naziisms stranglehold on Germany. Tourguide: Nope, nope, he left to manage a dairy queen. Brian: A dairy queen? That’s preposterous! Tourguide: I WILL HEAR NO MORE INSINUATIONS ABOUT THE GERMAN PEOPLE, NOTHING BAD HAPPENED! New Yorker #1: Hey look at all these colors...yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game and red like the sauce on my mama mia's pasta. New Yorker #2: Yeah, and brown, like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. Stewie (regarding Cheerleaders): I have yet to discover the secret of their mind control powers. Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from ‘nsync. America is going to split Iraq into three pieces... regular, premium and super.”- David Letterman Wolf: Come out, come out, or I'll bloooow your house in. Pigs: Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chin. Bart: What a load of crappy crap crap. Homer: Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is going to go down. Marge: [To Maggie] This is where the wolf blows down the pigs house. Bart: [Sarcastically] He blows all right, he blows big time. Marge: That's it honey, get into the spirit. Trucker #1: You know guys, I was thinking. Maybe its time we ditched the high tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddy’s did. Trucker #2: Drunk? Security Alarm Salesman: But surely you can’t put a price on your families lives. Homer:I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are. AT NRA MEETING: Moe: So last night I was closing up the bar when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do? Moe: It could’ve been a real ugly situation…but I managed to shoot him in the spine (Everyone cheer)…Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp. Homer: How did you get to be so good? June Bellamy: Oh, just experience I suppose. I started out as Road Runner…..meep Homer: You mean “meep meep” June: No, they only paid me to say it once and then they doubled it up on the sound trek...cheap bastards. Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers. Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB." Bart: What's that extra B for? Homer: It's a typo. Skinner: Good morning class. A certain...agitator...for privacy's sake let's call her...Lisa S. No, that's too obvious...uuuh, let's say L. Simpson [Lisa slaps her forehead in a slient D'oh!] has raised questions about certain school policies. So, in the interest in creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film. Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Marge: [Wearily] Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. Bart: [To Homer] You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case! Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer: Bart! Go to your room. Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad! Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, no-nothing know-it-all! Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I'm out of here! [Leaves and slams the door.] Homer: That's it! Go to your room! Bart: Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him? Lisa: It's a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart, you can't beat yourself up. Bart: Yeah. There'll be plenty of people to do that for me at recess tomorrow. Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. [snap] Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.[pause]Well, goodnight. Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm. Lisa: That's spacious reasoning, Dad. Homer: Thank you, dear. Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. Homer: Oh, how does it work? Lisa: It doesn't work. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: It's just a stupid rock. Homer: Uh-huh. Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you? [Homer thinks, then pulls out some money] Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock. [Lisa refuses at first, then takes the exchange] In the midst of our sorrow, we can take solace in the fact that your elevated blood alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker. - Melvin van Horne at Krusty's funeral Bart:...So to win Greta back I have to go to Toronto Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to go to America Junior? S: this little asian girl on Kids Jeopardy had negative pts and he had to tell her to leave for the final round. M: asians suck,hahaha S: she was all sad, hahaah M: yeha i love that, its like outta my way..jerkass S: yea seriously...heartless Alex trebek M: its like did u read the contract..u owe us $10,000 and u don't get a copy of the home version S: whyd u smack her, altho u dont really need a reason. M: she looked stupid M: i hit her head M: next time..throwin a rock M: or blunt object Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. [does so] Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies. Homer: She will be. Nelson: What do you want. [crushes the tomato he's holding] Lisa: Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work? Nelson: This is so funny. We were just talking about moving into protection. Dolph: We're offering a recess and lunch package that's very affordable. Lisa: Well, I'm going to need full coverage. My bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns. [holds out her arm, which has some red stripes on it. The bullies are impressed] Jimbo: Triple twist! Nice work! Kearney: You sure this was done by hand? Lisa: Yeah, she's a real purist. Nelson: She? [the bullies back away] Sorry, we don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch. Dolph: And sometimes we fall in love. [the bullies sigh] Homer: Ohh, this is the worst party ever! Marge: Oh, I don't know. Remember that New Year's Eve at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock. Derrick: What is this? A center for ANTS! Mugatu: Derrick, its just a small... Derrick: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES! The center has to be at least [pauses] 3 times bigger than this. Chris: Where do you think you go when you die? Sam:I learned in church that if you’re good you go to heaven, but if you’re bad you go to a place where the dead believe they’re still living and they pray for death but death won’t come. Chris:UPN? Lois: Jump in honey. Don’t be afraid, the turtle will keep you safe. Stewie: Oh, for god sake. I’m to entrust my life to a turtle?...nature’s D-student. [Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in Doctor’s Office] Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we’ve finally figured out what makes your nose red. Rudolph: Is it pixie dust or leprechaun tails? Doc: No, it’s a tumor. Rudolph: Like a magical, Christmas tumor? Doc: No, a malignant tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain. Rudolph: Oh . . . like a happy, special.. Doc: You’re going to die. Meg: Hey everybody. Guess what I am? Stewie: Oh,umm the end result of a drunken backseat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic? Peter: Oh hey Kids, I’m..uh..Santa Clause; just practicing for Christmas. Indian baby: But you are white…Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian. African baby: Don’t be stupid, Santa is black. Indian Baby: Santa can’t be black, we do not fear him. Asain baby: Cram it Gandhi, Santa is Asian. Mexican Boy: How can he be asian, Santa doesn’t drive his sled 20 mph below the speed limit with his blinker on. Chris: I never knew there was a 5 am mass. I didn’t know there was a 5 am. What else haven’t you told me? Man1:We’re a tribe on another reality show, but we lost the final challenge. Man2: I just couldn’t eat anymore kangaroo testicles. Man1: So the show just abandoned us here. Man2:The weird part is..now I can’t get enough of them. Telemarketer: Hello, ma’am, would you like to switch your long distan…hey, she hung up on me [sobbing] …WHAT did I do…[crying uncontrollably] Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [with Rabbi Krustofsky] Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000? "New York. Where the city has less money than the mayor." -- JON STEWART's suggestion for Mayor Bloomberg's new NYC slogan |