This is my beginnings into D/s but it will not be the end. i don't think you can ever go back after you find it in yourself.. this need and no other way of living can make you as complete as belonging to another does. 20th August 2002
I am meek sub/slave however you want to put it.. but totally devoted to my Master.. you might wonder how thats possible when we are so far apart.. well i feel that distance is irrelevant to the world now.. i talk to my Master daily sometimes for hours.. whenever we can.. thats more than i talk to my best friend.. and she lives around the corner.. i know i am only three plane rides away from him.. in almost a day i could be there.. when we think back on how long it took our ancestors to reach each other.. we realise how close we all now are.. and i think in an online relationship like ours started as, these things need to be taken into consideration.. some people i know like the safety of having that distance between them..i know i always did until i met Master.. it was a safety barrier when things got too heavy and i felt unsure.. now it is an inconvenience.. nothing else.. we know we will meet.. but have decided that until we do we will explore each other and read what we can and grow closer..
we started as a lot of couples now do.. exploring ourselves through others.. the anonimity of a nick name in chat.. allowing us to watch and listen.. or dabble in play.. learning the games.. delving into our dark sides.. knowing we wanted or needed this.. sometimes finding out that that thing inside you that you'd always hidden was alright.. that exploring the hidden woke you up.. made you feel right with yourself for the first time in your life..
personally i always had something inside me that i couldnt name.. a dissatisfaction with the relationships i'd had.. a feeling there should be more.. then i was alone for a long time telling myself i can wait until the Right One comes along.. not willing to settle for less.. i couldn't look at my friends relationships and feel envy.. ohh i wanted someone.. but not just anyone.. and seeing the unhappyness out there i thought i was better alone.. then i found chat.. and still it was the same old same old.. then i found bdsm rooms and sat mesmerised.. a strange thing happened.. i could relate to some of this.. gradually i let myself talk to people.. and while i saw a lot of it was posturing i knew inside that i had to look further.. so i explored a little.. and i talked to some so called Masters.. some of whom were very helpful.. lots of whom well just lets say all they wanted was to use me.. until the point where i thought this was the norm.. they weren't interested in who i/rose was.. just how low i could grovel at their exhaulted feet.. my dissatisfaction grew.. i wanted to know more.. but if i asked questions they had to go or i was told it was none of my business.. this didnt suit me as im a very nosey person with soo many questions.. and if my questions weren't being answered i would move on..
then one day months and months into this process i had given up looking and seldom went into chat anymore, until one day bored i went into a room i hadn't been before and i met Master.. details of our meeting are irrelevant but i liked Him immediately... and saw his name a day or so later (yes i was looking ) and went to him.. this time we talked ..or should i say i asked questions and He answered them all.. until in the end He said .. you ask a lot of questions..and i answered.. well you answer them.. and while you answer ill ask.. so W/we started from there.. everyday filled with questions.. both of us in the same boat.. both wanting to really explore this D/s life and ourselves.. both of us so dissatisfied with what we had come across so far.. his explorations with subs much the same as mine with the Masters.. but we now had each other..
i say it was meant to be.. one random day i go back and there he is.. my dream come true.. with desires that match mine.. W/we are so different our paths so opposite to each other.. but we share so many of the same values and needs.. W/we seem to have taken our seperate life paths and they have come to meet at this place in O/our lives when we are ready and needing each other to complete each other.. W/we are both wanting to learn this life.. we both know whats in U/us .. and we share all of our knowledge to help the other.. its not always been easy and not long after we met and started talking about our lives we nearly came to the first insurmountable mountain.. and as we were new to each other we nearly didnt cross the mountain.. but as in everything we do we talked it through and realised our views weren't so different or so rigid that we couldn't find it in ourselves to climb this together.. we have made it part of our commitment that we never just leave if one upsets the other..(usually me and my big mouth) we stay and talk it through.. whatever it is we try to resolve it.. or at least share our views and go away in the knowledge that we are working towards reaching agreement.. i share everything in my life with Master.. if we can't meet to talk i mail Him.. He tells me He loves all the details.. and is accepting of the bad as well and the good.. also part of our committment is to never lie about O/ourselves or our feelings.. Master knows more about whats inside me than anyone has ever known in my life.. and He still wants me!!.
W/we have had nearly 22 months together now and O/our relationship has grown so much.. i've learnt i can never get enough of my Master and learn new things about Him all the time.. He can reduse me to tears with his gentleness and caring .. he can make me tremble in waves of self loathing when i dissapoint Him.. or he can make me shiver and beg when i want his words of passion..
or alternatively to look at the rest of meeks own pages