| A Day of Business in Interior Africa I give up..Ive given up before too, but this time I promise it shall be ........jus nother time!! I went to bring in some materials from Mainland Africa last weekend. Man wasn't that one helluva lifetime experience!!!Thought of blogging about it. Maybe one day couple of months later I may need help to remember the various colorful details!! I went with my small anchor handling tug , a german world war two bitch,named Buzzard. She's one nice dame,lotsa power behind her propellor and can hit 12-13 knots without much ado. I reached the opposite bank without much happenings other than sighting a few lost dolphins. Before proceeding further, I wouldnt be doing justice to the dark continent if I dont put into words the condition of the harbor. Saying it was decrepit would be like saying Dolly Parton had boobs!! Well to me there was NO harbor.No ships or mechanised boats tied to the pier. Only a few traditional dhows dancing to unwritten tunes of God of Marines.oolalalaaaaa. Just as we were about to go into the so called harbour we got a radio call from THE Harbor Authority. "You pay fee, you take permission,or no good.You dont come to jetty!" Reply "Send in the pilot with forms,we shall fill it here itself and pay" HA (Harbor Authority for the uninitiated!!!!) :- "There are no papers. Papers no good. You only come here , you pay. That all". Me :- (Getting a bit frustrated) " How can I pay if I cant come there ?? And how can I come there if you dont allow me to use my vessel" HA " I dont know!!" One of the dilapidated ferries parked there came to my rescue. I send one of my crew to go ashore and pay the "fucking fee". Radio call after 50 minutes , " Seirra Alpha,the person to whom the payment has to be made, The Harbor Master, has not yet come." Me :- "Oh for chrissake, ask the assistant where the hell his boss is?" (Realising that the wino who radioed us was a puny assistant!) Answer:- "Roger for that. Shall come back". 3 minutes pass... " Sierra Alpha, the master is with his second wife around 15 kms from here.Did you copy ? Second wife, 15, 15 km away". "Roger on that.Holy Shit!!! Tell him We are coming and that we know a few higher ups in army." Though I sounded confident, was more than a bit apprehensive!! Anyways we could harbor her without much fight,since the assistant was in the defensive now. He couldnt justify the absence of his master from line of duty for personal reasons though he did not take the army threat seriously. "How can I contact him ?" "He stays close to the police station.One normally calls the police station, which has a telephone and leaves a message". "Ok, so I will call him". "Please do so" "Give me the phone!" "There is no phone here!!" "Where will I get it?" "In the nearby bar. Its the only place with a phone here!!". So our gang walks to the bar. Going alone to bars is suicidal. "Can I use the phone ?" "Only customers can use phone!!"( I knew it was coming. SO was not perturbed!) I ordered. " Phone and a bottle of Castle Lager!!" I praised the holy jeesus when I could get the line in the first try to the police station. "Sir,Im calling from harbor Sir,.Sir,I want to urgently talk to the harbor Master sir, who stays close to your station Sir."Me the polite told. "OK Hold on. I will ask him to call you back.But he will have to pay for the phone". "Holy shit..he will, you scum bag!!"(Ofcourse I did not say it aloud!!;) After a wait of 15 minutes comes the harbor master on line clearly unhappy on being forced to stop his adventures with second wife. "Hello Master of Harbor here!!" (As if he was the master of universe!) I explained my predicament. "I can reach there in 45 minutes of driving the only hitch being that I dont have a car. Why dont you send a car?" "Cant u come in a van sir ?" That was the mode of public transport) "OK then I will come in van.But the next van is after 3 hours and I dont work after 4. So I will take the first van tomorrow morning." "I will send the car". All fees paid.All expenses cleared. Final salvo from assistant and his master, " What about our food?" Keith (our chief officer) asked, "What about your what?". Innocents, " Our food. We missed lunch for you.Hence we need dough for food. And we also have beer during lunch time".(Yes you nut, Im sure you have. What about the best whore of the place to screw for lunch?) We gave the innocents 10000 shillings. (Around 10 dollars) All materials were loaded, the casual laborers asking for three times the market rates. (If I had bought one of the white guys of our projct team along the rate would have been 5 times!) The final realisation of doing business in Africa came after we loaded the crates of beer and soft drinks into the pick up from the bar for onward transportation to the pier. After all loading was done (helped by the driver himself!!) the driver takes a deep breath shakes his head a la Wesley Snipes style and in an impeccable play acting announces, " Oh but I forgot to mention that I cannot take these beer crates in the pick up!!". Hameed was the only one left in our gang with even an ounce of patience left. And it a rule that if you are left with no more patience you dont talk here! So he asked in the most affected politeness ive ever seen , " Why may I ask my dear driver ??"(Come out with it you sonofa@#$@) "Cos my boss is a muslim!!" "Why did you not think about the religious propriety of your muslim boss while we, including you, were loading the crates in the first place?". "Ohh I forgot!!". It took another 40000 shillings to kill his boss and his religion. Welcome to doing business in African interiors. |
| I Love Africa |