A/N:I don not own Neville- he's J.K.
Rowlings. Nor do I claim any right to 'Big White World'.
The song belongs entirely to Marilyn Manson/Nothing
Records. Don't sue and all that.....blah blah blah.
Oh and take notice this is my first story
written here. I might make a series...most likely. BUT I won't
if i don't get any reviews. Just a few......and flames don't count.
Rated PG-13 for some swearing and mention
of suicide. I personally think that bit high but the people who do movies
rate something the same if theres a bit of 'bad words'. Anyways, moving
on...
Oh yes....Neville's POV.Slight twist though.....you
never know.
".....This is for me always wearing a mask!"
*CRASH*
Glass shattered everywhere as the remembrall hit the wall.I picked up another object from my trunk, to angry to acknowledge what it was.
"....And this ones for every time I've given in to them!"
I hurtled the thing at the wall. It collided with a sharp *TWACK* and burst apart. Before the pieces hit the ground I had another item in my hand. Unable to keep my anger inside I screamed.
"THIS IS FOR EVERYONE WHO NEVER FUCKING CARES!!!!"
*SMASH*
I reached for another object only to find my trunk empty. I looked at the wall I'd taken my frustration out on. There was a heap of my shattered possessions on the floor. I still wasn't satisfied. letting out a loud scream I yanked at the nearest bed curtain. It ripped off quickly and I started kicking the night stand.
"Noone cares!I'll show them I'm not the weak little boy the think I am. They don't know anything! I'm thru with being what others want all the time!!"
I picked up the broken draw and smashed it down. There were wood all under my feet. Behind me the door opened.
"NEVILLE!!?"
Without answering or registering who it was I grabbed my bag. I shoved the person in the doorway and ran down the stairs.
************************************************************************************
I was still steaming when I reached the astronomy tower. I ascended the stairs and peered thru the trapdoor. Noone occupied the tower so I climbed up. I went over to the West wall and stepped up onto the edge. Gazing down I realized how simple it would be to jump. But I knew I wouldn't. Although it would end the pain I mentally carried with me I knew it wasn't worth it. Life is like getting into a cold pool. Your shocked and frigid and think you'll never be warm again. Although you never become perfectly heated it lessens as you get use to it. It becomes bearable then you hit a cold spot-but you would always leave it and be ok again.
I sat down near the edge and took off my side pack. I removed my cd player, a gift from a half-muggle cousin of mine. I smiled as I thought about her. She was probably the only true good friend I had, but sadly she lived in America. Figures the one person who is really cares is always out of reach. As I flipped thru my cds my mood lessened into a state of numb-anger. The kind that makes you seem perfectly fine on the outside while your mind is still boiling. I couldn't count how many times I'd acted like this for others benfits. How many times noone noticed I was falling apart, but kept smiling so they wouldn't know.
I smiled at the thought of how others would
react if they knew the sort of music I listened to.
'Neville and hard rock? Yeah right, 'I thought
to myself. "And especially American rock. Who would he know in America.
He doesn't even have that many friends here so who would he know across
the ocean?'
Smirking again at my thoughts I looked at some of the cds my cousin had sent me. Korn, Blink 182, Pink Flyod, 311, and Marilyn Manson. The latter had to be my favorite. My cousin, being a huge Manson fan herself, had given me the disk for my birthday. The first time I'd heard it I was hooked. I popped the cd into the player.
I relaxed a bit as the steady hypnotic beat flowed into my ears. Music had that effect on me. I could escape my problems by putting on the headphones. It was my own little world I could be left in for hours without dreading what horrible thing would come next. The singer's mesmerizing voice came on and I concentrated on the words trying to forget my life.
"........like a moth in a flame.........and our world was so fucking gone..................but I'm not attached to your world.......nothing heals and nothing grows.......because its a great big white world......."
I closed my eyes losing myself in the music.
".........drained of our colors.........we
use to love ourselves....we use to love one another................
all my stitches itch....my prescriptions low.......I
wish you were queen........just for today.......and the world was so white....what
else could I say........"
The song faded out and I lay back. The next song had started but it was only a dull rhythmic background to my thoughts.
"I'm done with them doing this to me. I'm not as pathetic as they think. I should stop hiding in a corner. I want to do things my way for once. I have to try being more me-weather they like it or not! I'm feed up trying to be what they want and do everything they want me to. I'm not going to be this passive little boy that is only noticed because he's on 'the outside'. Its thru."
I took off the necklace Grans had given me. A little angel that hummed when you rubbed it. On the back was a inscription. 'To my good little boy. Always.'
I laughed quitly. I was thru with being good. What had it ever gotten me? Everyone thinking I'm a geek-a nobody. And friends who rarely cared. They wouldn't even notice if I was gone. I clenched the charm in my hand and pulled back my arm. It pitched forward not two seconds later. I grinned as I watched it fall into the darkness that was slowly enfolding the sky.
And with that I got up.
"Things are going to be different now. Very
different."