The following are things actually said by me, my friends, or random people we happened to be passing at an auspicious time. Feel free to use their words against them like you're the frikken DA and this is the court room!
November
11/14/99
-This is a goddamn snow cone falling from the fucking sky!
~ Jessica discovers freezing rain
December
12/2/99
-Speak of the devil!... You're not the devil. Beth!
~ Jess was speaking about Beth when I walked in and she expected me to be Beth
12/3/99
-When I come, everyone leaves. I'm the life of the party!
~ I think Bridget's a little confused
-His plot thickened... Yeah!
~ Jess was explaining the result of Chris moving the popcorn from his lap before Beth went for it
-You're just mad because I get better reception!
~ Jess had tinfoil on her head for hair dye
12/4/99
-I'll do anything if I can get paid!
~ Amanda appended this statement to include "within reason"
-Home, where naked is ok.
~ Jess thinks it's too hot in Fla to wear clothes to school
-I just feel like I should put on pants.
~ I guess Beth is just bashful
-C'mon, c'mon, put some in your mouth.
~ Theresa was trying to get Chris to try a rice cake
-Just keep swallowing.
~ Jeanette's wise words on funnelling
12/5/99
-Now click the giant rotating strawberry.
~ Amanda explains a website
-It was dark, we were covered in balloons!
~ Beth's excuses
12/15/99
-I mean, a lacrosse playing farmer majoring in applied math? It just doesn't make sense!
~ Beth is mystified by Chris
-It really matters when it's going in your ass!
~ Size of a cactus, that is; so says Susie
-I milked a cow once, didn't get much out... I just kinda sucked at it.
~ Ahlea means to say that she's not good at milking cows
-You're gonna have to open your mouth wider than that!
~ What else would Chris be talking about?
-Your boyfriend's a hottie, I'd totally fuck him if I were a chick.
~ Chris would like Diana's boyfriend, but ONLY IF her were a chick
12/18/99
-Hey, Jason's not here! I'm gonna go eat all the pork I can find!
~ I feel that Jason is to strick about his pigless ways
-It's non-pornographic!
~ The first time in a long time that Chris's desktop was so
12/19/99
-Wow!
~ Chris said this about 900 times while trying to find
the elusive train station, making one wrong turn after another
-On behalf of the crew who's leaving you at the Albany Rennselear station...
~ But I didn't want to stay in Albany!
2000
January
1/21/00
-You honestly can't have an orgasm when someone's on their head for that long. They pass out!
~ Jessica about the Kama Sutra
1/23/00
Me: Jess, when did you get that pillow?
Jess: At Walmart.
Me: Uh, no, when?
Jess: Oh when! In Miami
1/26/00
-I'll Tell you one thing... Nah, I won't tell you one thing.
Well, I will. Too much vitamin c can have a side effect. My 4 month old baby gets it sometimes...
~ Professor Goldfarb about the dangers of taking your vitamins
-I wouldn't drink it if it smelled bad... Well, maybe I would.
~ Chris about possibly bad milk
1/27/00
-Talk amongst yourselves.
~ Professor Schroder (the class has 400 people in it)
-It's really hard! Sometimes you have to move your arms and your legs at the same time!
~Random Girl, presumably about exercise
1/28/00
-I totally knew I should have zipped up my pants!
~Me, we were going to work out and I hadn't zipped up the legs on my pants.
Amanda: She was scratching her shoe in the dirt just like a chicken.
Me: Chichens scratch their shoes in the dirt?
Amanda: Yes. Uh. Hey!
1/29/00
-C'mon, I wanna taste the nastiness! Open it up girl!
~Emily wanted to taste the new Snapple Lexa was holding
Jess: Can I touch it?!
Amanda: Yeah, I've never held one before!
Jess: In fact, you can hold it, we just wanna look at it.
-That ought to be interesting and painful.
~Jessica's thoughts about piercing her nose
February
2/1/00
-Everything in that damned book makes me sound either stupid or easy!
~Amanda doesn't like her quotes
2/4/00
Me: We can't go past Becky's room if Chris is in there. He always knows I'm going past.
Jason: Well, he never knows when I go past, so if we both go by together, he'll get an inkling, but he won't check.
2/5/00
Erin: I don't like it. It's sticky.
Beth: It's only sticky when your hands are wet.
Erin: Well, I just don't like it.
2/12/00
-It's you Amanda, you're horny.
~ Trisha liked my hat on Amanda
2/18/00
-My wife went and nursed him. No, wait. I did. Well, I gave him a bottle...
Yeah, through new innovations in the field of biology..
~ Professor Goldfarb was explaining why he can't nurse his son
-It's like cutting your hat in half. You just don't do it!
~ Charisse says the darndest things
-What??! I can hear you!
~ Amanda heard us talking about her
Me: Do you know where the kitchen is?
Andrew: Yes, I almost vomited there.
-What? Bullshit I made it foamy, I was just holding it!
~ Bridget made my beer foamy and I yelled at her.
-The following are actual streams of thoughts as they occur to Bridget.
1. Ooh, that guy has no shirt on.
2. He must be changing.
3. Hmm, there's a girl under him.
4. She's not wearing any clothes either.
5. THey're moving up and down.
6. Aha! It must be sex!!!
1. Oh! It's not a cookbook.
2. Or a cloakbook...
3. It's a Quotebook!
-My beer! Oh my god! Where's my beer?!
~ I'd forgotten that Bridget was holding it...
-I seem to have a problem with bottle cap foreheaded boys. They keep attacking my neck and trying to screw me.
~ Diana kept getting hit with bottlecaps attached to people's foreheads
Amanda: Like Fabio with an L!
Me: and less hair.
2/19/00
-Good save. No! Bad save! Not a save even! Just bad!
~ Amanda didn't like some comment by Andrew
-We didn't have sex-ed in school... I picked it up on the street. Or in the cafeteria.
~ Andrew has had interesting learing experiences
-I know what it is! It's Bugs Bunny!
~Jason really knows his classical music
2/22/00
-That's why we have carpet. It's like having a tree on the floor.
~ I was explaining that you can scratch itches on your feet on the carpet
2/24/00
-That's a weird cross between an itchle and a tick.
~ Jason was being "itchled" by Beth
-No, it's the shape. Squares fill your stomach faster than ducks.
~Beth was explaining why ice cube ducks aren't filling meals
-I know, the thing just has an attraction to my ass. I know what it's like.
~ Jason's bounceball kept attacking Beth's ass
2/25/00
-...genitals. Which you should see under a microscope!
~ Professor Goldfarb is very... intimate with his Drosophila
-...moved the growth disk for the genitals to the eyes. They re-named it cockeyed.
~ Professor Goldfarb, same as above
-Look at this campus. It's filthy! Look at all the dirt on the ground.
~ Bridget is quite the neat freak
2/26/00
-Project your voice heads!
~ Susie was trying to get the voices in my head to sing
2/28/00
-Cancer is bad.
~ Professor Goldfarb states the obvious
-If I could just control my eyebrows!
~ Jessica feels that her face is to expressive
March
3/1/00
-Should I not eat these?
~ Tina was taking very old Motrin
-Bull sperm. Would that make more sense? Bull sperm in milk?
~ Bridget has some strange ideas about food preservatives
-What's gonna happen when that guy dies?
~ Said by Becky only seconds before she learned the sad truth of Dr. Seuss's current condition
3/2/00
-I would make the hottest nun!
~ Bridget's joining a convent, Beth's designing her clothes
-I can't really look at us while I'm being me.
~ Beth had asked if I'd looked at us recently
3/3/00
-Is there any dangerous item in your luggage that you are unaware of?
~ Airline personel (my response: Not that I'm aware of)
-The exits are here, here, here, no not here... Wrong plane. Hmm, where are the exits?
~ The flight attendant on the puddle jumper had just come off a 747
3/14/00
Chris: She's my "used to be almost chick in progress."
Jess: Now it sounds like "used to be almost chicken."
Chris: Like Chinese food!
3/17/00
Erin: Bread's Italian.
Jason: Bread is?
Erin: Well, French bread is... Wait.
3/18/00
-It would be these two huge factions of people. It'd be like Alpha Del, they'd just start beating each other.
~ Ahlea was expressing her feelings about the two radically different bands that were playing together
3/23/00
-It's like trying to visualize the inner workings of a grain of sand.
~ Susan, my lab TA was explaining quantum physics
3/24/00
-The role of chromosomes in mitosis is analagous to the role of a corpse at a funeral. It's just along for the ride.
~ Professor Goldfarb explaining how chromosomes move
-I'd buy porn from them.
~ Becky thought a couple looked very good together
-Dude, if you had to inject eyedrops into your ass, that'd suck!
~ Amanda's reasoning for putting eyedrops in your eyes instead of elsewhere
Amanda: Shh! They're talking.
Matt: It's a chicken.
Amanda: But the pig was talking too! Isn't anyone else curious as to what the chickens and pigs had to say?
3/25/00
-I've had a little too much tea today, I think.
~ Bridget was really hyper
-Bridget is now the authority on orgies, by the way.
~ Chris had learned a few things from Bridget
Chris: Is that her boyfriend?
Me: That?
Chris: I should be more specific. Is that guy her boyfriend?
Me: Oh, well when you put it that way...
3/29/00
-I tell ya! Take your clothes off! Look in the mirror!
~ Professor Goldfarb was explaining where you can find science
-Well, we have classes at 8 AM at night.
~ Adam was distinguishing against all those 8 AM classes in the morning
3/30/00
-And gasoline can kill you too! That's why I don't drink it.
~ Amanda was explaining the dangers of Krazy Glue
-I would lick my head, there's nothing wrong with it!
~ Amanda was arguing that her head was clean
-Shut up!... I think I'm just delusional...
~ Amanda (nuff said)
-Even random thoughts need a home.
~ Amanda is a vessel for all the poor lost random thoughts
April
4/4/00
Jason: You know, it's really funny when people try drinking methanol instead of ethanol.
Me: Oh yeah, really funny.
Jason: Well yeah, they die.
4/9/00
-Some bad chemicalness happened and she lost her sense of taste!
~ Amanda's friend had a lab accident
4/10/00
-You can think of proteozomes as being the Death Star of proteins. They destroy everything!
~ Professor Goldfarb makes odd analagies
-Would you like me to "put stuff in your drawers" for you?
~ Julie was explaining how Chris is going to "help" freshmen girls settle in next year
4/11/00
-I just really want sperm.
~ Bridget learned how much money sperm donors can make
4/12/00
-Just because they're small and they smell and they grow in beer doesn't mean that they're closely related.
~ Professor Goldfarb was explaining the difference between different yeast strains
-Mom, mobil homes blow away!
~ Jess's mom wants to buy a mobil home
Beth: Manda, do you have a pen?
Amanda: I have two tubes of chapstick... and my wallet....
-Guy! This is a non-alcoholic delight!
~ Jess was reading a menu
4/13/00
-We'll find a drunk virgin and we'll sacrifice her!
~ Jason wanted to make sure the Weather Gods gave us sun on D-Day
-Of course, I wouldn't have been dumb enough to wander off into a field of rednecks, but...
~ Jess was watching To Wong Fu
Jason: She plays an old lady in lots of movies.
Me: Yes, she's an old lady.
Jason: Yeah, but she's a popular old lady.
-You're very quotable. You're like Mark Twain only different.
~ Jason was remarking on the frequency of Amanda's quotes
-It's passion. I have a whole box of it.
~ Lillian's tea is called passion
4/14/00
-Oh look! Here she's completely half naked!
~ Beth was reading Maxim
4/15/00
-That's like stabbing someone because they weren't paying attention! Here's the knife you wanted... Aah!!!
~ Amanda had asked Jess for ice, and when she didn't take it, Jess put it down her back
-Somebody has to take my camera and picture it.
~ Amanda wanted someone to use her camera to take a picture
-You lick, you slog, you suck, in that order.
~ Min was explaining tequila shots
Jess: I don't get it. Why are my fries hard?
Julie: They're excited.
Amanda: They're happy to see you.
-I'd just like to point out that I'm drunk and my reflexes are still faster than a stupid fly.
~ I managed to catch a tiny fly while lying on my back
-You're not the Zeus of pillows!
~ Amanda was losing a pillow fight with me
4/16/00
-I'm so bad at knowing if people need help. The only way I would've known is if she'd been on fire or something.
~ Amanda still has trouble with real vs. imaginary
-It's not a pig, it's not bread, it's a bird. I don't even think it eats bread.
~ Jessica was explaining how turkey is kosher for passover
-Now wait a minute. Just because water isn't blue doesn't mean it's not blue.
~ Jessica also says that polar bears are white
4/17/00
-Naked feet are just naked feet, but shoes...
~ Becky is obsessed with baby shoes
-Usually we invite people into the Jewishness.
~ Jason found it unusual that I would be attending church services
-Well, I got the flth part.
~ Amanda misheard Danforth for something else
-Let all the brain rush to your head, ok?
~ Amanda must keep hers somewhere else
-One time when I was real little I stuck my finger in a pot of boiling water because my mom said it was hot.
~ Amanda... nevermind
-I don't understand this whole writing underwater thing cause paper doesn't really work underwater.
~ Pat, one of my many prefrosh's, was remarking on pens that say they work underwater
-There gotta be some hardcore old ladies out there. I'm gonna be a hardcore old lady, on the ski slopes.
~ Julie's totally hardcore
-You should fake it more often.
~ Beth seems to have odd taste
Jess: Yeah, and he's got a body.
Pat: You've dated guys with no torso before?
4/19/00
-Sorry, something was flying at my head, and that doesn't happen very often.
~ Beth said this. enough explanation?
-I felt like this bump on my head and then it went away so now I think it's a bug,
and I'm so afraid there's a tic in my head but I don't even think it's tic season at all!
4/26/00
-I'd totally write that down, but it's exactly what it sounds like.
~ Why would I write something down if it was what they actually meant to say?
4/27/00
-Yeah, I could totally have five heads and rule everything, I'd have no problem with that.
~ Jessica is a goddess... or two
-Fat shopper with half a sideburn!
~ Clearly, Jason doesn't understand sign language
4/28/00
-Shh! Shh! Don't laugh until I'm done talking!
~ Amanda is just that used to the routine
-Yeah, we'd have so much more sex if they'd just play by our rules, and that'd be fun!
~ Jason doesn't understand girls rules
-It's all squeezy, and that's not good because it kills you!
~ Jason doesn't like the way hydroflouric acid is stored
4/29/00
-Yeah, I figured I'd just pull the bed away from the wall, grab a scrubby sponge and some oil, and go at it.
~ I was telling Gary how I planned to get his charcoal drawings of my wall
May
5/1/00
-True or False: Egypt invented the elephant.
~ The great IQ test at The Spark
-Don't underestimate the manic episodes of a sleep deprived woman!
~ Julie lashes out after getting no sleep for over 24 hours
-Shmarken is a word, it's a noun. Pfft is descriptive. She was a pfft shmarken.
~ Susie was diagraming a sentence in her language
-Yeah, I lost it.
~ Susie lost it. That's all
5/3/00
-Ok, you're gonna all go in my mouth now.
~ Jessica was having a discussion with her cake
5/6/00
-My asshole left!
~ Just when Amanda became president too....
-Wait, I need to swallow.
~ Becky doesn't like having her mouth full for pictures
- Sex... Six... Sex... Sextuplits! Oh wait, that's children.
~ Poor Amanda was trying to count
-It's never to hot to have an orgy!
~ I couldn't believe my ears when someone said it was
-My mouth is talented.
~ We'll never know why Amanda said this
5/7/00
-As I was saying to Jessica, it's not just that I wasn't studying, I was getting drunk and removing clothing.
~ Amanda felt guilty for decieving her parents
-Ok, can we not talk about me being naked anymore?
~ Amanda started getting bashful
-It's times like these I wish I were a camel.
~ The wind was blowing dust into Jess's eyes
-I'm sticky everywhere now.
~ Amanda got syrupped
-I know you think they suck, but they have harmony... and this isn't spreading
~ Jess was talking about Hanson, and her toast
-Babies come from a not nice place, but people still kiss them.
~ Amanda thinks it's illogical to not eat eggs just because of where they come from
July
7/1/00
-I guess you're not supposed to take your bra-straps off and put them back on again.
~ Amanda always figures things out the hard way
-Who's been chewing on my emery board?
~ Amanda has, of course
7/2/00
-You're Kiwi, the urban cowboy!
~ Amanda made Jason her bitch, and named him
-I never had to think before I talked before, and now I do.
~ Poor, poor Amanda
-Oh my god, I would pay you not to write that down.
~ Sorry Amanda, I wrote it anyway
-God, don't I ever shut up?
~ If you can't figure out who said this, get a cat scan
-It's been a long hard year for him.
~ Jason was attempting to explain something about my wrist
Meredith: I can't lay on my stomach for very long.
Jason: Why not?
Meredith: I deal better on my back.
-I don't wanna be the only one in there sounding easy.
~ Amanda insisted that I quote that last conversation
-I'll show you yours if you show me mine.
~ Time for an anatomy lesson Kim?
7/3/00
-If everyone talked as much as me I'm sure they'd say as many stupid things as I do.
~ Wise words, Amanda
-We're going to have a light drinking night tonight. We're going to drink socially, not to get drunk.
~ I was there when he said it, but I still can't believe this came from Jason
-Somebody has to protect me from myself.
~ Amanda is slightly accident prone
Me: Could you imagine actually having to say "Who's been chewing on my emery board"?
Amanda: Well I couldn't get ahold of any sand!
-I'm like a boyscout, only I'm a girl.
~ More wisdom from Amanda
-I've picked up crabs before, only I thought they were something else.
~ Watch out, Amanda has an inflection!
7/4/00
-They're all weavy and sticky in your throaty.
~ Amanda, on why she can't eat triscuits
7/5/00
-C'mon, you've got a map of the human genome, grow me a skinless, boneless chicken!
~ Meredith's thoughts on science
-It was a pregnant pepper! My god, you bastard!
~ Meredith is a vegetable rights activist
-Like i just say everything that comes into my head like I can't think about it... Or something.
~Amanda was trying to explain herself
7/6/00
-I am no use to anyone!
~ Jen just scattered a deck of cards
Me: You made me horny!
Amanda: And then you ran out of gel.
-You've been a bad boy, go play in the ceiling!
~Christine O. about asbestos
-I'm the most virginal whore!
~ Meredith, take it as you will
7/7/00
-Why is it that every time we go out we become lesbians?
~ Amanda to Meredith
Sara: It's called the Pleasure Palace.
Dith: They used to call me that!
7/8/00
-I was shouting at all the buildings and none of them were shouting back!
~ Meredith doesn't believe in the echo point at Washinton and Lee
-Mmm, nothing says good like the warming bottom drawer thing.
~ Amanda should advertise ovens, don't you think?
7/14/00
-You can't jump on me as well as Becky can.
~ I said this when Julie threatened to wake me up that way
-That's pointy, it fits in your ear.
~ Amanda thinks the back of a spoon is pointy
-Nothing I say is clever or witty!
~ Amanda, but I disagree
7/16/00
-You know, no one takes advantage of me anymore. I really don't appreciate that.
~ Most people fear that they'll be taken advantage of if they drink. Chris can only hope
7/21/00
-There's vomit, oh. No, that's a chair.
~ Me
-I'll hose down Bridget.
~ I said this because she'd said it'd be faster than showering to hose each other down
-Asses flying at my face!
~ Beth enjoys a good ruckus
-You're sleeping with me.
~ Bridget to, oddly, me
-And you ghetto bumped your way to... nevermind.
~ Me about Bridget, Owen, and rap
-I am SO asexual!
~ Bridget denies her Gilbert Orgy Monkiness
7/22/00
-I thought the next thing you were going to say was "and have my way with you" because i've heard that before.
~ Bridget; I said I was gonna tie her up
7/29/00
-Yeah Erin, it's good to have your legs spread and your boobs out.
~ Ally about Erin's "seductive" pose
-Cow serving giant old subs.
~ We think the sign originally read Now serving giant Cold subs....
-It was like a circle of scariness!
~ Katie was surrounded... By me and Andrew
August
8/26/00
-I sold my soul once, but to a friend.
~ Amanda
8/27/00
-Ahhh, you have to ease into the nakedness.
~ Gina, about why our first party wasn't a naked one
8/28/00
-It was like a pay-per-view death match with all those big white belts kicking the sushi out of each other.
~ Dojo Beth telling me about the kyu test
-Can I help your residents be dirty? Well, the guy residents...
~ Amanda about our games
8/30/00
-Naked is down, un-naked is up.
~ Bridget hiked up her pants, I said she was getting naked
8/31/00
-Boobs 'n' tubes, that's all I got.
~ Manda's a girl
Manda: I spread joy.
Dith: I spread herpes.
-I love the hideousness. I just wanna wrap myself in it sometimes.
~ Manda likes the couch in our room
September
9/1/00
-I gave her head.
~ Theresa's cross of "gave her a hug"/"hit my head"
-I have that feeling I'm about to eat a mongoose.
~ Luke has weird cravings
9/2/00
-It's like when rabbits have babies.
~ Erin thinks it's cute that our hall watches Simpsons together
9/3/00
-You can marry them! And you can live in your vegetable marriage home of infedelity.
~ Amanda was bitter that Diana liked vegetables
-Three sylables: al-co-hol-ic. Oh wait, that's four...
~ Melody meant someone else, not herself. Hmmm
9/4/00
-I've dropped my damn eye liner on the floor so many times that there is now eyeliner on the floor.
The floor doesn't have eyes that want to be well defined!
~ Amanda's online profile
-Oh my god! I can't wait to get home and tickle you!
~ Adam to Colin
Me: We can go to the hands on childrens museum.
Eric: We're gonna put our hands on children? How cool is that?
9/5/00
-Febreeze is now known as a compound that can turn upholstery into steel.
~ Luke's couch is impenitrable now
-Working functional antenna jujutsu blister foot.
~ What Chris hears when trying to focus on a text book and two conversations at once
-I like balls. I like to play with them.
~ Andie, about the hoberman sphere
9/6/00
-It's a hose, and it sprays cow shit! My god!
~ Amanda, they were fertilizing outside of Douglas
9/7/00
-Always be very careful when talking to an American engineer.
~ Professor Manly doesn't trust people who don't use the metric system
Bridget: My butt hurts.
Anne: How much did you run?
Bridget: Two miles, but I have a sinus infection...
-I'm gonna go back and join her so you can go back to your mathical happiness.
~Amanda makes up her own language as she goes
-When I rule the world, Websters will be MINE!
~ See? Told you
9/8/00
-I never put a top on.
~ Bridget has a very revealing way of boiling pasta
-They put him in a little rubber room. He keeps going and going in there now.
~ Andrea told me they retired the Energizer Bunny
-I'm not fighting a friggin war!
~ I was explaining why I came to school so close to Canada
-There were like five teachers fighting this pumpkin.
~ I was explaining the great pumpkin fire in my high school
-I wouldn't just go up to someone I didn't know and be like "I'm going to mount you now"
~ I was differentiating between dancing with friends and dancing with strangers
9/10/00
-It's usually a good guess, if they sound like they're on speed, they didn't do it first.
~ Me on how to tell if it's a ska cover
-I need a pair of devil hornis, I wanna be a horny devil!
~ Amanda...
-You're a big boy now, we're cutting your wings. No, we're setting you free. If we cut your wings you probably
wouldn't go very far.
~ Emily
-Freshman is a term of affection, like cauliflower.
~ Lexa's a senior!
-It's like a dance club/sports bra... Uh...
~ Becky explains Tremors
9/12/00
-Who wants to see how far I can throw a Mac Powerbook?
~ Professor Zimmer likes 'em as much as I do
-My mouth just opens and my throat just swallows. It's how I propel myself.
~ Saleem on swimming
-C'mon, you eat pork, I hit on gas station guys. We're even.
~ Andrea
-If they had professional towel folders, I'd be one.
~ Chris takes pride in his towel folding skills
9/13/00
-I hope you get static!
~ Andrea rubbed my head
-You're not supposed to put bowling balls in the microwave.
~ Amanda says it's ok to mix drugs
9/14/00
-We don't need to wash our hands, we just dug in the dirt.
~ Amanda
-So old people are just rusted babies.
~ I learned that oxidation causes aging
Yeah, we could just light Colin's head on fire and stick him in a twinkie.
~ Rob needed a candle
Colin: I'm homo-superius.
Me: Homo-stupidus?
Julia: How about stupid homo?
-I'm sorry, she was a little whip of a girl. She needed to be taken down a notch.
~ Andrea works out
-I've got a Shirley Temple coming out of my head!
~ Andrea bleeds Shirley Temple
9/15/00
-Remember that time we went to your room and I sucked the seahorses out of the thing?
~ Melody's metaphors
-It's a slug!
~ Can't identify that animal cracker? Give it to Andrea, she'll bite off all the limbs for you
-Don't touch my pillow in its special area!
~ Colin thought it was a body "part" pillow
9/18/00
-Where does it tickle when I tickle the couch?
~ I couldn't figure out why Andrea flails when you tickle the couch
-I have to tie my pillows on strigs so they don't fall off my bed.
~ C'mon, it's lofted, I hate losing them
Andrea: Why do people get together to watch chess?
Colin: You don't like tennis?
-Yeah?! Well at least I'm going to hell. So there!
~ Colin sure showed me
Me: Someone said it once and it stuck.
Andrea: Like phlegm!
9/19/00
-Squeeze it back in the bottle!
~ Me about Bengay
-Elephants don't fly.
~ Professor Holmes on why they're not better than kangaroos
-Isn't it yellow and red that make the green seal?
~ Eric
9/25/00
-My watch just died. It finally commited suicide. It's gone. Oh my god! It's working!
~ Poor poor Andrea
-I am powerless to control its urges. I can't stop it.
~ Colin likes the lava lamp
-You would have this country fresh feeling in your pants.
~ Colin spills things down his pants for fun
-I'm sorry Andrea, I thought of Matt in a funny way.
~ We never asked what Colin was actually thinking
-I did not give birth to Colin!
~ Well I didn't!
9/26/00
-C'mon, that's like, not edible. Lets go.
~ Lucas veto's an idea
-Ok, Beethoven techno doesn't work.
~ Mike H
-Shows that you can never trust your brother to just bring you to play slots in
West Virginia without going to a tittie bar with him and his girlfriend. it's a life lesson, really.
~ Meridith venting
9/27/00
-I don't know what to do when people get hurt so I just offer them chocolate or pills.
~ Amanda, future MD. (see 4/16/99)
9/28/00
-We're gonna speak Welsh in here from now on.
~ Colin's room,Colin's rules
-I could swear that worm said "Suck it".
~ Colin has been playing worms for too long
-Hard liquor's ok. You drink less of it so there's less calories. It's practically a diet food!
~ Yael
-Have I formed... Sides?!
~ Eric formed sides
9/29/00
-That's what I want on my tombstone. "Avenge my death with blind hatred and merciless violence!"
~Amanda is viscious
-D'Lion and pimp are not synonymous!
~ I was telling Eric why it wasn't my job to find him a girl
October
10/1/00
-I have a slippery nipple. It doesn't grip so well when you try to twist it.
~ Saleem
Andrew: You're always so busy. How do you do it?
Me: I've thrown sanity to the wind. My brain has bucked the kicket. Fuck. Kicked the bucket.
10/2/00
-But it's called a flail so it should be used on fish.
~ Andrea
-Do you realize that when Samir has grandkids they're gonna call him Pap-Samir?
~ Colin
-You sullied my fork!
~ Colin
10/3/00
-I could take him, he looks like a Ritz Cracker with pretzel arms.
~ Amanda about the Grim Reaper
-It's like gak, but through your nose.
~ Andrea about mucus
-Well obviously everyone's going to have a look at some point. It's not like your face goes away.
~ Erin still gives look
10/4/00
-I'm tired, over tired, and in a bad mood because of genetics. I will kill you with no problem at all.
~ Bridget
-If you write that down I'll beat your ass!
~ See above
-Wow, that was like ehh... fungus.
~ Andrea
10/8/00
-I think religion would be much more interesting if people were struck down from above.
~ Colin
-Isn't there a universal head of the Jewish church?
~ Mike B-L
10/10/00
-Yeah, but go to the cookies.
~ Bridget thinks cookies shouldn't come to you
-I'm becoming Amanda!
~ Bridget gets quoted alot
10/11/00
-They're big; they need big things.
~ Amanda about guys on steroids
Me: Amanda would frost her cake with bleach.
Amanda: If it was rich and creamy!
-It's not my fault your head is lopsided!
~ Amanda about a botched bleaching job
-Latex makes my nose itch more.
~ Amanda... err..
10/13/00
-Restepping my traces doesn't even make sense!
~ Amanda
-Lettuce screws me up. It has an evil conspiracy against me
~ Colin
-I think I'm defective.
~ Ahlea
-My head will not fit through the hole! You stop that!
~ Ahlea
10/14/00
-You say too many stupid things to write them all down.
~ Amanda explaining why I didn't quote something she said
-Never mind, it doesn't make as much sense when I say it out loud.
~ Colin
10/17/00
-Glycolysis is my bitch.
~ Colin
10/19/00
-I'm not gonna make out with my fingers.
~ Bridget's not that turbo-slutty
10/23/00
-I never would have guessed you were such a deep motherfucker.
~Rob about John?
-You can make French cookies. They don't have flour, only butter. I ate one of those once, wasn't hungry for a week.
~ Justin
Rob: But why would you need a gun in church?
Andrew: For protection. The lord is vengeful.
-I was sitting in the back though, so all I saw was some pasty white business.
~ Rob about the infamous movie night streakers
Joe: So how should I quote this?
Me: Write down what he said.
Justin: That would be quoting.
-Liza Minelli is my hero. What could be better than an alcoholic nymph? You tell me that!
~ Joe
-Oh, oh, oh, oh yeah
~ Rob adjusting himself
-Trees are so smart. I have three pages of notes on things they can do to keep from freezing.
All we can do is run in a house made by trees. Err... of trees.
~ Me
-Oh Come on! She's got her own room in the Betty Ford Clinic. What more do you need?!
~ Joe is still talking about Liza Minelli
-My problem in Spanish is that I try to use too good of English sometimes.
~ John... He fail engilsh? That's unpossible
10/20/00
-Thses buses are the downfall of this campus.
~ Bridget
-I don't understand this whole "walkers have the right of way" thing. My machine is much bigger than them
~ Roadrage, Bridget style
-You've gotta tell me the difference between real and not real, otherwise I'll do anything.
~ Amanda
-I have to be quiet to think. Shh!!! So do you!
~ Amanda
-Big words don't liking!
~ English don't Amanda using
-You know what I think would be the funniest thing to hit? A schoolbus, just because they're so big and yellow.
~ Bridget strikes again
-Haha! I don't have to be the only idiot!
~ Amanda
Amanda: I don't like it. It confuses me.
Me: Why does it confuse you?
Amanda: Cause it's no pictures and only letters.
-My god! You're this endless little giggle box!
~ Amanda
-Pantsless or not, I must do!
~ Amanda can't dress and drink at once
-I've mixed drugs before, it's fine.
~ Amanda... It's fine
-Who knew both sides of my mouth would leak at once?
~ Amanda's mixed drugs
10/22/00
-I'm a negative ion. You two are negative ions with... Superglue.
~ Eric
10/24/00
-I was thinking and talking at the same time. It wasn't good.
~ Andrea on multitasking
10/25/00
-I'd survive great in the lost world because I'm constantly paranoid and on edge.
~ Amanda
-I used to have rabbits feet when I was little until I realized what they were.
~ Amanda
-I wanna wear bedsheets so badly!
~ Amanda wants a toga party
-No! No more quoting! I can't take it.
~ Amanda brings it on herself
-I was thinking the Snorks weren't real for a second and my mind was gonna go kaboom!
~ Amanda
-Why do you have to have a photogenic... No, typewriter mind?
~ Amanda
-I wanna buy a candygram but I think it would be selfish to buy it for myself.
So I guess I could put on a fake moustache, but I think the breasts would give it away.
~Amanda
10/27/00
-He'd already lost another son who died a little later.
~ Professor Homerin on time travel
10/28/00
Eric: It's amazing how little children can dance to music that isn't there.
Mike: Whilst I can't dance to music that is there.
10/29/00
-This is the kind of book that makes you wish you never learned to read.
~Mike BLT
10/30/00
-You're a bumpersticker waiting to happen.
~ Andrea of me
-I do. He's impervious. He's got the anti-bitch wall up.
~ Colin
Colin: Were they the root of all evil?
Me: No... Maybe the tree trunk of all evil.
Andrea: The xylem of all evil, if you will.
-... Protecting myself with women and children.
~ Colin
10/31/00
-I really wanna just lift my skirt up and flash people, but I know that's wrong.
~ Amanda
-If it's D'Lizzy's fault that I D'missed it, she's gonna be D'dead. I'll D'jam the D'pen D'down her D'throat.
~ D'Amanda
-I think my stupidity has just increased!
~ Amanda
November
11/1/00
Me: Always run against traffic.
Amanda: Not if it's coming at you!
-Damn it! I'm gonna be on the internet as a slut... Again!
~ Amanda
11/2/00
-Does she preface the statements with "Guess what the psycho did today..."?
~ Justin on hearing that Becky tells stories about him
11/3/00
-I wish everyone just thought like I do, cause then they'd understand that I'm Russia and Beth is one of the states I took.
~ Amanda
-I didn't realize the stone had two sides.
~ Me about a tombstone
11/6/00
-See, he would have been fine if he'd jumped out the window. I would have been fine if I'd jumped out the window.
~ Colin
-I got the crap beat out fo me this weekend. It was great!
~ Me about a dojo break
-I want dinners and alcohol!
~ Amanda
-It's not that hard, serve me dinner then get me liquored up.
~ Amanda
-Don't even write that down. That begins to not make sense at all.
~ Amanda
-No, he's the sex goddess.
~ Becky
11/7/00
-I was being anaerobic.
~ Pat holds his breath
-So we've got two brain-dead people running for president and a dead guy as senator of Missouri.
~ BLT
-I didn't know physics would be so physically challenging!
~ Physics Beth on hand rules
-Haha! I said something so stupid you can't even write it down!
~ Amazing Amanda
11/8/00
-You give me these looks and I realize how rediculious I sound and it takes all the fun out of it.
~ Erin
Amanda: Name it Helga.
Erin: Helga sounds Swedish.
Amanda: It could be a Swedish hippo.
Erin: It's purple!
-It's a really pretty word. Chlamidia... It's like "Would you like some chlamidia? Yes, I would."
~ Amanda wants chlamidia
-They're changing the name of prunes to like "Shrunken Grape Heads" or something.
~ Amanda is going into marketing
-Don't you understand the prettiness of chlamidia?!
~ Amanda
11/9/00
-The wall can't suck on the ladder.
~ Professor Manly explains normal force
-Just cause something's wet doesn't mean someone pee'd on it.
~ Zubin
-It's like cheese and then some bullshit. It's easycheese!
~ Andrea
11/11/00
-No face licking!
~ Yasmin
-I don't give looks, do I?
~ Erin
Chris: How much sex did you have last night?
Eric: Lets see... Mike?
-That's my cousin. He just had a baby sister.
~Andrea has a rather talented cousin
-No, our nuts aren't straight.
~ BLT
11/13/00
-But it's supportive idiocy, so it's ok.
~ Amanda on vegeterianism
Amanda: Does citizenship apply to animals?
Me: No.
Amanda: So my cat's not American?
Me: No.
Amanda: So it could go to Canada and not have to declare residency?
-What the hell? I'm not some kind of sober freak!
~ Amanda
11/14/00
-Don't try to claim stupidity. I honestly don't know what's going on.
~ Amanda
11/15/00
-These are idealized, intelligent, frictionless slaves. Now can we get to work?
~ Kevin, physics TA extrordinare
11/17/00
Bridget: Yes! No quotebook!
Amanda: We can say the stupidest shit and he can't write it down!
11/19/00
-Like the Tyranosaurus Rex is what I said, because they couldn't put on jackets either.
~ Amanda thinks they'd still believe if they had just worn their sweaters
-They didn't wear jackets. They didn't even have clothes back then!
~ Amanda
11/20/00
-God, I need to break out my digicam and start taking a million pictures. It's way too much fun to sit in my closet!
~ 2K4
-The only thing holding your halo up is your horns.
~ Amanda to me
11/21/00
-There's got to be a carniverous duck somewhere.
~ Sam wants a bad ass mascot
11/27/00
-I'd pretty much fuck anyone.
~ Becky
Erin: I just want someone nice.
Becky: Yeah well, you fuck a dick.
11/27/00
-If you look at the letters it spells out words. Like EZHQ. It reminds me of home.
~ 2K4
11/28/00
-When I'm drunk usually all my clothes get off.
~ Amanda
11/29/00
-You're gonna end up with eighteen brightly colored living creatures that eat flesh of humans or something.
~ Amanda on bad scavenger hunt ideas
Beth: Our room's gonna be freezing you know.
Amanda: Well at least it won't be so warm anymore.
December
12/1/00
-Danforth before a date is a bad, bad idea. Like if you think of something really bad, it's way worse than that.
~ 2K4
12/2/00
-I wish I was a queer Moroccan Jew.
~ Sam
-All those gay black Jewish people worship Hitler.
~ Sam
Amanda: I don't like this new language of yours.
Me: What, the Greek alphabet?
Amanda: Yeah. You can't even spell with it.
Me: Why not?
Amanda: Because I've decided it's so.
-I'm not capitalist, I just wanna be not confused anymore. There's a difference!
~ Amanda is a communist
-I learned my alphabet, so I can count now.
~ Me
If you're wondering why I'm always late, it's those two viscious beatings over at SAM's place.
~ Sam gets lost
-But that's not writing-downable. No! That's not either!
~ Amanda says the darndest things
-And I'll have lots of gold. Because Websters makes gold.
~ Amanda
-You're not supposed to cram entire utensils down people's throats.
~ Amanda
-You can't shove it in there before it's ready.
~ Caroline on cooking
12/4/00
-I've tasted a chocolate condom before.
~ Erin
12/7/00
-I like the Big Kat. It's like a regular Kit Kat exposed to radiation.
~Zubin
-I wanna get tested cause this is so much trouble. I just wanna be able to tell
people that this is a documented disorder.
~ Bridget
-You need some sort of life that doesn't involve my stupidity.
~ Amanda
12/10/00
-I take full credit for this. I am a guy. Well, sort of...
~ Sarah
12/12/00
-Just call me a pleasant young lady and move on with it.
~ Amanda
-Stop trying to seduce her with your wily good looks and your... penis.
~ Jessica
12/14/00
-Why is your thingy so big?
~ Becky to me
-Because I'm smart! That's why I'm in the quotebook so much.
~ Amanda
-That makes me want to take my money and shove it in your underwear.
~ Amanda to Chris as he stripped
-Wanna hear a funny bud? One... one... one day at the gyno...
~ Becky
12/16/00
-Its ok John, you're doing everything right. Just stay in your room and listen to Evita, and it'll be allright.
~ Vickery
-I want a restraining order from Websters. Yes! That's my goal.
~ Amanda
-I feel like I should have a pigs head on a stick somewhere.
~ I was a bit crazy
2001
January
1/1/01
Gina: I can thrust my pelvis like that. That doesn't make me a superstar.
Amanda: Yes it does! If you can thrust your pelvis you are a superstar!
-Me! I! I'm addictive, not you.
~ Amanda
-I think if McDonalds had a breast pit it'd be alot more popular.
~ Amanda
-And I'd feel like I'm five again at the bar.
~ Amanda
-There is ecstacy happening in my mouth right now.
~ Kim
-After I've had a certain amount of alcohol certain words come out of my mouth that I'm unresponsible for.
~ Amanda
Skirky: Am I written down yet?
Me: No.
Skirky: Can I now be?
Me: Yes.
1/3/01
-Too much wet and cold. I don't like it all in my mouth at once.
~ Amanda
-I'm not a stupid day-by-day quote calender!
~ Amanda
-That's not quotable! That's not funny! All my ideas are solid!
~ If only you all knew Amanda
-Don't you ever ever ever get old and publish these!
~ Amanda
-It's a staple! It's like bread and milk... and ketchup!
~ Amanda really likes ketchup
1/4/01
-You have all this stupid armor! Watches, kneecaps...
~ Amanda
Amanda: I'll sue you!
Me: For what?
Amanda: Slander!
Me: It's not slander if it's the truth.
1/6/01
-And then they will ride on their magical sunflower of goldfish over the rainbow to go live with the sea people.
~ Amanda's mixed drugs
-They sound dirty, and I think I want them.
~ Amanda wants jollies
1/12/01
Me: You're wrong. The cow cheese says so.
2K4: Man, dissed by cheese. This sucks!
1/14/01
-I thought you were talking to the duck.
~ Deming
1/16/01
-I don't know whether I'd rather sound stupid or slutty.
~ Amanda
Amanda: You're not quoting that!
Me: Why not?
Amanda: Because its dumb.
Me: That's why I write down most of what you say.
-I don't fuck with bees.
~ Beth
-Give me a pat on the back for doing something a retarded child could have done months ago.
~ Sam gets his email working
-I just give people dirty looks and hit them if I don't know what to say. He carries a sign.
~ Julie
-That explains all those people shoving cold food at me.
~ Amanda looked like the microwave
-We're this close to being taken over by ants and no one realizes it!
~ Amanda is a bit alarmist
-I'm not a flamingo. I do have two legs. Oh wait, flamingos have two legs...
~ Amanda
1/19/01
Amanda: How do you make time?
Casey: Two parts water...
Casey: She took my virginity!
Beth: Where'd she put it?
Me: In my pocket.
1/20/01
Amanda: Like those things that learn from their mistakes.
Casey: Trial and error?
Amanda: Yeah. People.
-Matt, I'm not really that stupid.
~ Amanda
1/22/01
-There's plenty of chances for me to kill you this week.
~Natedogg on initiation week
1/23/01
-I'll bring lots of balls and people can play with them.
~ Doghead about retreat
-And stupid over here won't have sex with me.
~ Erin wants me
-You're falling asleep, so I get out my machine gun and start shooting.
~ Professor Cline explains flux
1/26/01
-They don't have that static-y feeling like when you lick the television.
~ Deming
1/29/01
-No, I'd find a man long before I had to resort to fruits and vegetables.
~ Becky
-I'm like this little bug going a hundred miles per hour, and he's like "Uh... Settle down..."
~ Me about my big
1/30/01
-Yeah! I'm a rabbit with dog teeth now.
~ Chris
1/31/01
Me: Please shut up!
2K4: He's a debater. He can't. It's like a shark, if they stop moving they die.
-Actually, now I can drink a coke because I'm not worried that I'm gonna urinate all over myself.
~ Justin was nervous at final confidence vote
-What would you do if you went into your sons room like da-de-da-da, time to dust, and found all kinds of weapons?
Would you think twice about confronting him? I would. I'd call the cops. Then I'd run.
~ Vermitsky
-That makes me laugh, cause that was funny.
~ Vermitsky
-Speaking of facial expressions, please stop peeling your face off.
~ Me to Scrimshaw
-Just think what I would write, then don't write that. Easy as pie.
~ Amanda on essays
February
2/1/01
-Sorry guys, I'm all about sucking dick today.
~ Damien
-Yes, put that down. I like to suck dick in my spare time.
~ Mithun
2/2/01
-That's the miracle of human beings. They are different than lawn mowers in that respect.
~ Professor Braun on free will
2/4/01
Brian: Isn't that one of those toys thats dangerous for children?
Bridget: Yeah, it just nearly killed me!
Brian: And you weren't even trying to swallow it.
-That was the old me. And I wasn't even that slutty.
~ Bridget
-Yes, cause I have sex with cheese.
~ Me
2/6/01
-No, all I can do is give you mean looks.
~ Proof that Erin gives looks
-Spit on it and wipe!
~ Bridget
-Yes! Lights off! I look better in the dark.
~ Bridget
-Oh shit! It's not hard. I thought it was hard.
~ Bridget
-If you had to choose between shit and garbage, and you were dead, which would you choose?
~ Bridget on goldfish graves
2/8/01
-Oh my god. That's how to learn chemistry, just rub your face in it!
~ Lucas on cramming
-I'm not the one with the countryside running through my head.
~ Andrea
2/9/01
-Just because he's Jesus doesn't mean he's gonna act the same. He might be angry.
He may just sit around in his underwear and drink beer.
~ Amanda on the dangers of cloning
See that? It's monkey madness. They don't call it "Monkey Sanity", because it's not! They're crazy!
~ Amanda likes monkeys
Me: God you find yourself amusing.
Amanda: Me too.
2/11/01
-It's not me, I'm easy.
~ Amanda
2/15/01
-The bad mood is scary. He's got god on his side. It's weird.
~ Jess on Professor Brooks
-I got your pish-posh and I got your fan.
~ Erin to Becky and Bridget
-They should make scratch'n'sniff cereal ads.
~ Becky
-Why don't you write down what she says? That was dumb!
~ Bridget
2/19/01
-You should stop because I have to breathe.
~ Erin couldn't take it
-So I have to let you keep reminding me of the stupidity that comes out of my mouth because it makes you happy.
~ Amanda finally understands
-I've been menstruating through my head.
~ Gregg's hat was pink
2/21/01
-My breasts are impressive. Like Shamu or something.
~ Jess has big boobs
2/22/01
Amanda: See when I become a god, I'll be one of those vengeful gods. That's what you got a small taste of.
Me: Wow, I'm doomed.
Amanda: I can't control all my powers yet.
Me: But for now, I'm writing that down.
Amanda: Ugh... Vengeful god!
2/23/01
-This BCS professor, she's from France, so she's stupid...
~ Andrew
-The whole exorcist latrine thing got me.
~ Melody
-We should not have other people's underwear in our room.
~ Me
-You have no idea how bad I need a hookup.
~ the old Bridget
-She was typing like there was no tomorrow! There were extra vowels all over the place.
~ Chris
-How late are you going to be later?
~ Andrea
2/25/01
-Yeah, but I don't really care. I've already seen boobs.
~ Some guy at a rave
2/26/01
Stephens: Are you smelly Kelly?
Kelly: Hey! That's not nice. I don't want you to bring back childhood memories.
Stephens: Did you smell as a child?
-I'm not a lesbian, I just drink too much.
~ Amanda
-The deaf cartoon is getting more play than me, and that's wrong.
~ Amanda
2/28/01
Amanda: Whats wrong with it?
Evan: It's very garlicy.
Amanda: Why are there holes in it?
Evan: It's religious
-At least I don't have porn in my teeth!
~ Evan
March
3/12/01
-There is a slight possibility that I'm having an experience right now thats not being caused by a piece of chalk,
but by a super computer.
~ Professor Braun
-You can assume that there is, in fact, a piece of chalk unless you are actually a bodiless soul in the hands of an evil demon.
~ Professor Braun
-Oh god! I'm covered in cold cuts!
~ Stephens
-Not those, those shoes are my children. I'm going to marry them.
~ Amanda
-No, don't write that down, it makes me sound incestuous and slutty.
~ Amanda explains the above quote better than I could ever hope to
3/14/01
-Beth's playing the trumpets, and I'm the insane one.
~ Amanda sums up the situation
3/16/01
-You can't relax the muscles in your sleeves Becky.
~ Me
-Lets all eat out of my breasts now.
~ Amanda
3/17/01
-You shouldn't stick it out if I can't sit on it.
~ Amanda
-That's why I keep you around Matt. Cuz you're smart.
~ Amanda
-He was a dirty old man mommy! He looked at my boobs!
~ Amanda
3/19/01
-Abstinance killed off the dinosaurs.
~ Amanda
-That cow could cause no damage except possibly by raping you.
~ Bridget about a stuffed dog
-Becky and Erin we've decided are foolish. I'm retarded.
~ Bridget
Bridget: Now why would you let him write that down?
Becky: I didn't say it!
3/22/01
Me: How far is San Diego from San Jose?
Amanda: I'm not a geology person!
-Shit, I got my finger caught in the sticky part.
~ Natedogg roles a cigerrette
3/24/01
Amanda: Jason's not a lesbian though.
Me: He only likes girls doesn't he?
Amanda: But Melissa's a boy... Wait.
-Seth, smell my face man.
~ Reiner
-I'm not any worse than I already am.
~ Bridget
3/26/01
-Just stab her in the pen with a neck!
~ Amanda is penicidal
3/27/01
-Jessica is the next evolutionary step in the stoppage of war.
Soon we'll all have vibratey things between our legs and there will be no war.
~ Amanda
3/29/01
-I was thinkging about being "Studly the Manly Dwarf". I got all distracted.
~ Amanda
April
4/10/01
-The fact of the matter is, you could fit everyone in the entire wrold into the Grand Canyon, if you stack them right.
~ Professor Landsburg on the lack of a population problem
-You have corduroys on. We'd better not dry-fuck or we'd start a fire.
~ Chris to Bridget
4/14/01
-There's several layers of protective crap in my pants.
~ Meredith... ewww
-What are you, the goor duardian or something?
~ Josh returns from the river to find me in front of the door
4/28/01
Bridget: I wouldn't just let you hook up wtih me, I'm not like that.
Erin: I am.
-It spit up on me! Your alcohol bag spit up on me!
~ Amanda
-I have a very limited capacity so I can't say stupid things.
~ Amanda defies all logic
4/29/01
-But I'm... Horny!!!
~ Erin needs a man
Erin: Why do all my quotes sound sexual?
Me: Because they are.
4/30/01
Becky: Wouldn't it be weird if we still had to shake milk?
Me: When did we have to shake milk?
Becky: When we were our grandparents age.
May
5/8/01
-The problem was just that my balls were too small.
~ Neil has a problem
5/25/01
-The way I figure is, I'm the main character, so I can't die.
~ Amanda
-Be the musical instrument you know you can be... Let me hit you!
~ Amanda
5/26/01
Amanda: That should be fucking me!
Me: My away message should be fucking you?
-No! There is no tag-team quoting!
~ Amanda
-I'm an alcoholic. If I didn't drink, what would the people at AA say?
~ Amanda
No! I don't want you to wipe your eye movements on me!
~ Amanda
June
6/1/01
-If you suptracted anything from your attention span it would break some kind of mathematical law.
~ Gary to me
-What is it with paper products and me?
~ Dan
-Now, Mr. John Doe Cannibus...
~ Dan
-It's in soda can limbo! This could go on forever!
~ Me
-I just do it for the sadistic joy of chopping people's heads off.
~ Me
-I am not a banjo.
~ Vickery
-I don't know if I feel comfortable with the internet pizza guy touching my pizza.
~ Dan didn't want to order online
6/2/01
Josh: I was too busy thinking about sex and food. And that other thing... Seals.
Me: Which do the seals fall under?
Josh: Food.
Taryn: See, I would go for sex.
-Taryn, you're the future me of quotage!
~ Amanda has a disciple
-She knows how to have sex with seals, why not plants?
~ Amanda
-I'm pretty good with my ass, but I haven't figured that out yet.
~ Taryn
-You should have taken your clothes off.
~ Amanda to Taryn
-I am wet and dirty. Feet! Feet! Feet!
~ Amanda
6/6/01
-If you want to impress these people, tell them that you are working on a "neural net" model of
lipid signalling mechanisms that control keratinocyte motility spatially and temporally after
mechanical injury. Warning! There eyes might glaze over. I haven't identified predictors to
estimating people interest.
~ Krys, my boss, on our work
Me: Poor Amanda. That alzheimers, should we tell her she's really eighty nine?
Melissa: It would sound better coming from you.
6/7/01
-I've never dreamed about an entire sitcom family before.
~ Me
-He returned from the grave to help me get a piece from him.
~ Amanda
-I'm really drunk and my gag reflex goes. I can fit anything down my throat.
~ Amanda
-What smoke are you cracking on?!
~ Only the best for Amanda
6/8/01
-I'm going to be a porn star.
~ Melissa yearns to be like Amanda
6/9/01
Me: Oxidative cleavage... Oh, it's two parts.
Kim: Like cleavage!
6/11/01
Me: How... Coherent.
Amanda: I'm not coherent! Wait!
6/13/01
Dan: Yes, your name is officially Jackass now.
Evan: Yay! I like that. It's better than dimples.
-I was going to say something clever in Japanese. But then I realized I don't know Japanese.
~ Kathleen
6/16/01
-Pretty much every Miss America is like "I'm a junior at the University of Stupidity..."
~ Rachel
-I think lubricant on a condom tastes better than a pre-lubricated condom.
~ Bridget
Me: Western New York is not the only place with Chlamidia.
Amanda: Yes. We breed it in jars and pass it out in schools. Take your Chlamidia darling.
-I figure if I just talk really fast and say enough stupid things he can't write them all down.
~ Amanda logic
-Do you have a cactus in your pants?
~ He was just happy to see you Amanda
-I have to go to bed now, the sheep are calling me.
~ Amanda
-Old asian women turn me on.
~ Dan
6/26/01
-I know if I stick something in my mouth, she'll turn.
~ Dan
-Do I have to come to the wedding? Can I just come to the orgy?
~ Renee
6/24/01
Me: See, she got a good night sleep, why didn't I?
Amanda: Because you don't have a craftmatic adjustable GUN!
-I forgot what it's like to drive with you. It's like you're racing a car that I can't see.
~ Lisa to Josh
-I got drunk last night and I didn't hook up with any girls! I'm so proud!
~ Renee
-I swear there are bugs in my pants... Damn bugs!
~ Meredith
6/25/01
-I don't speak south american.
~ Amanda
Amanda: None of my swing partners are here.
Lisa: I'll swing with you.
-I don't know my fuzzy animals so well.
~ Amanda
-That's ok, I'm dysfunctional!
~ Amanda
-Drunkety drunk drunk. Don't write that!
~ Amanda
-She's ruining my getting drunk. If I space the drinks too far apart I won't feel anything!
~ Amanda's birthday
-You almost ruined my night you whore!
But because of you, I got to drink more.
~ Amanda writes a poem
-I'm not drunk! I mean... I'm not a lesbian!
~ So which is it Amanda?
-I have cherries all over. Do I taste good?
~ Amanda
-I expected to stand on a chair, not sit on one and have pelvises thrust at me.
~ Amanda on birthday surprises
6/27/01
-I wish I had boobies so they could bounce when I run.
~ Dan
-Some people like dark roast, some like decaffinated. I like my coffee to be attractive.
~ Dan
-We should change my name to Retard.
~ Dan
-Now you're Stalker-Blip-Retard-Boy.
~ Evan of Dan
6/29/01
-I think I'm gonna go to bed. The tiredness is making me sleepy.
~ I was tired
July
7/6/01
-When you get your bellybutton pierced it makes it hard to have sex missionary style or girl
on top. Doggy style comes in handy then.
~ Melissa
7/8/01
-Yes he is. He's always paying attention to me. I might say something he has to write down.
~ Amanda
-They hold moisture and lock it in there. My boobs could be zip-lock bags for all I know.
~ Amanda
-That is definitely something not mine in my mouth.
~ Amanda
-I don't know. Usually when I'm holding pills they end up in my mouth.
~ Amanda
7/9/01
-It's definitely an internet pizza chick. She's got PMS.
~ My reasoning why Dan couldn't order online
7/11/01
Dan: I'll have to remember that for when I breed my lackies.
Me: Most people don't breed lackies.
Dan: That's where they go wrong!
Dan: I'm practicing to be a dominatrix.
Me: You know that's the effeminent.
Dan: You didn't know? The operation's in... two weeks.
-I figure if I condemn myself enough in like ten minutes, you'll stop trying to quote me.
~ Dan trys the Amanda approach
7/13/01
-I need to cut down my drinking. Because A, I drink too much, and B... I drink too much.
~ Amanda
-My hands go numb, but they don't fly as many places as my mouth does.
~ Rachel
-It was really wet. I licked it alot.
~ Amanda
-Don't take suggestions from him, he's wearing a blue shirt!
~ Amanda
-And then you need to take my pants off because I need to go to bed.
~ Renee returns
7/14/01
-Spaceship sex time.
~ Me
7/19/01
-It would be really cool if he was gay. He could meet some really nice gay guy and they could
go and pick out curtains together.
~ Amanda
-You know I'm spacey. You know I'm a loon!
~ Amanda
7/20/01
-I have a way with garbage.
~ Seth
7/21/01
Brittany: We're on an island? But what are we surrounded by?
Me: Water?
Brook: No, it's dog food.
Brittany: Finland? Is that a province in Canada?
Me: No, it's a place in Europe.
Brittany: Then how'd they get here?
Me: You're driving a foreign car, how did it get here?
Brook: They drove it over the dog food!
-Watch out little jackass! I'm coming in!
~ Brittany is a safe driver
7/25/01
-Protocalls are always very exact. If it says "face Mecca, stand on one foot, hop, soak for ten minutes,"
thats exactly what you do.
~ Alice
7/26/01
-No, I have a nothing up the nose rule.
~ Amaanda
-I'd get naked on film. That'd be cool!
~ Melissa, future porn star
7/28/01
-You have entities?! Don't they crawl in your ears?
~ Amanda
Dan: He has the mind of an elephant.
Me: Ooh! Peanuts, peanuts, peanuts...
-... A broadway actor gone criminally insane and in a permanent state of Prozac withdrawal.
~ Andrea describes Jon Winters
August
8/10/01
-I make balls and I hate France.
~ Amanda works on a riddle
-I'm on this planet that hasn't been invented yet. And somehow, I'm there!
~ Amanda
-And on this planet we nudge things with our nose.
~ Amanda
-The man in the microwave is flashing morse code at me!
~ Amanda
-Don't worry, I eat the purple stuff.
~ Evan is always there to help out
8/11/01
-I'd rather suck it up than suck it off my fingers.
~ Rachel
Woogie: Someone is not in touch with his sexuality.
Dan: Yeah I am, I'd just rather not be touching yours.
-I'm just having a conversation with myself beside the fire, drinking the wine, eating brie...
~ Amanda
8/25/01
-Point being, penises don't do that. Ferry people across canyons, that is.
~ Me
8/26/01
-Ooh! Balls!
~ Dan
September
9/3/01
-I want to bomb a wiener truck!
~ Diana
9/8/01
-I got a really good roommate. She's all into drinking in the mroning and stuff!
~ Amanda
9/12/01
-Fresh chicken fingers from the pit taste almost human.
~ Hannibal Deming
9/15/01
-The "Drunk Slut" award is going to Amanda.
~ Amanda
9/19/01
-I just shit myself six times!
~ Daryl has a problem
9/20/01
-I don't want her to kill herself... I want to kill her.
~ Dan
9/21/01
-I just really want a cock... All I want is some livestock!
~ Casey loses his mind
9/22/01
-If I marry Webber I'll be the bitch. If I marry Stephens I'll be the butch.
~ Goldman
-I'd do Lawrence cuz that'd be like paying for sex.
~ Damien "A-Team" Leanord
Goldman: If the number of people involved is greater than three it's an orgy. If over 75% of them have penises
it's a gang-bang. If over 90% of them have penises it counts as an orifice deficiency.
Justin: Can you get federal aid for that?
9/24/01
-I wouldn't want to be a shrew.
~ Me
9/30/01
-No don't write that down, that's not even pointless! Pointful! That just doesn't make sense...
~ Amanda
October
10/1/01
Me: You'd do anything if you you could get paid... Within reason.
Amanda: No! Not within reason!
-No I want the gun. But then I'd have to start wearing socks.
~ Amanda
-No the little gun. It goes in your socks cuz it's pink.
~ Amanda
-You put words in my mouth and then start laughing before I could say anything.
~ Amanda
-Now look what you did. You made me get all kinds of quoted in one day! And it wasn't even a long day.
It was like ten minutes!
~ Amanda
Amanda: I'm gonna tape up all your air holes and then laugh when you can't breathe.
Me: Air holes? My nose and mouth?
Me: You give me writer's cramp.
Amanda: You give me brain cramps!
-Karma's a bitch. And she's going to eat your head for breakfast!
~ Amanda
-The only one I could possibly have sex with would be my sister, but we wouldn't procreate anyways.
~ Katie Kentucky explains the problems of inbreeding
10/10/01
-[singing] I should stop smoking crack... But I can't... Because I'm addicted. I'm gonna end this song now,
before ti gets any worse...
~ Dan
-I'm gonna steal that book some night while you're sleeping and burn it.
~ Dan thinks he is Amanda
-[singing][again] Boobies boobies are so fun, Boobies are for everyone! [speaking] Ode to boobies! I've got it!
~ Dan
10/11/01
-Damn, I'm trying to be her all over the place.
~ Dan of Amanda
-[singing][yes, again] I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world...
~ Dan
10/12/01
Dan: She's not my flavor of coffee.
Neil: Why, is she a gay black man?
10/13/01
Sam: I love the Absolut bottle with the neon green tampon.
Dan: Yeah, I've been meaning to take that out.
Sam: Yeah, it's been bugging me all day.
Sam: What's the deal with all this anthrax in Florida?
Me: It's just chillin'. It's like "Hey, we're Anthrax. We're everywhere."
-No, you don't eat with your eyes, you see.
~ Anatomy lessons with Amanda
Amanda: Take the pen away from him! You know what it's like.
Dan: Not a chance. When it's happening to someone else, I'm all for it.
Amanda: You're making me swear in front of the customers!
Dan: They're not your customers!
Amanda. But they're potential customers!
-Do you touch your mother with those hands?!
~ Amanda on sign language
-You are not allowed to do second hand quoting. It is bad for both you and me. Cause you'll end up with a pen in your neck.
~ Amanda
-What would they do if somewhere down the line Dan decided to become Danielle? Would he still be DU?
Would he still be a brother? Or would he be a sister? Or would they just be like "... Hey Dan..."
~ Amanda on fraternities and sex changes
10/14/01
-I'm going to kill her. I'm just going to rip off her testicles. Cuz that's what you do to people.
You rip off their testicles with spoons. Plastic spoons. And then you fry them in a vat of hot oil.
It's a delicasy in some African countries. Oh my god, I'm turning into Amanda!
~ Dan
10/15/01
Amanda: I think the only things I can talk about anymore are like... penguins... and rubberbands.
Me: Not anymore!
Amanda: Noooo!!!
-No! You can't quote me unless I say something stupid... or amusingly clever.
~ Amanda about the previous quote
-Ixnay! Ixnay on the thinky! The writing!
~ Amanda
-That'd be like sloppy seconds with an inanimate object.
~ Me about Dan's pillow
10/18/01
-Look! My crotch is all better!
~ Dan learns the fine art of surgery... err, sewing
10/20/01
-Don't waste precious lube!
~ Dan
-You can cook 'em in the fridge. No, the microwave. YOu don't cook things in the fridge.
~ Amanda
10/23/01
Me: I have to shower.
Laura: Are you gonna fall asleep?
Me: Probably.
Laura: Want company? I can help keep you up.
-Is it me, or is it hungry in here?
~ Goldman
Dan: That'd be like... cataclysmic things.
Me: Cataclysmic things?
Dan: Yeah, it's a nice juxtaposition.
Me: Yeah, but you have to say it's a juxtaposition of stuff.
10/27/01
-You know, your falling water made me think there was someone peeing in the corner all night.
It was annoying. It was like sleeping in a public bathroom.
~ Gary about my fountain
10/28/01
-You're dead! I'm just gonnna... rip out your feces!
~ Dan in a confused rage
-She just gave you like an IM quicky
~ Dan
Goldman: See we could all be seals if we just put the effort into it.
Dan: Baby seals?
Me: Can we be clubbed to death?
Goldman: Woogie!
-He's female.
~ Dan
-[singing] Frankel's mom is a dirty lady. She did his dad and out popped Shady!
~ Casey
-I will return fat... And ready to hibernate for the winter.
~ Goldman
10/31/01
Dan: It's like necrophelia by mail.
Justin: But they're not real bodies, so there's no guilt.
Storch: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
-He's just the albino version of Neil anyway.
~ Goldman about Dan for AAME
November
11/4/01
-I'm having kids with another man.
~ Dan is still confused
11/7/01
Me: Just put the whole thing in your mouth. You won't even taste the white stuff.
Dan: You tried that on me once already.
11/9/01
-What is it with you and inappropriate comments about fluids this morning?
~ Me to Sam
Jae: Semen's not a fertilizer.
Me: It's all protein. That's all it is.
Patrick: It fertilizes eggs, doesn't it?
11/15/01
-And this blue chalk is hard to erase. And it sticks. Last time I used it I tried to wash it off and it wasn't easy.
Which makes me feel a little foolish to be using it again. But seeing as I'm already heavily involved in it,
I'll just continue along.
~ Professor Connee
-Save the Last Dance. it looked good. It's got black people. I like black people.
~ Dan
11/18/01
-What-fucking-ever. Yeah, you heard me. What-fucking-ever. It's like butt-fucking-ever but not.
Have you ever fucked a what? No! You haven't!
~ Dan in another confused rage
11/20/01
-Don't you wish you were staying? You know you would get a threesome out of this.
~ Becky
-Don't turn me on Matt, please. That is so not fair.
~Erin still wants me
11/27/01
-Everybody should be getting ass. When they're not, it's my duty to arrange things. I'm kinda like a superhero.
Superpimp to the rescue!
~ Becky
-A hyper mouse for a hyper boy.
~ Goldie about my computer
-I want my brother to show up so I can shower.
~ Dan is a bit co-dependent
-Oh yeah, that's got stuff on it.
~ Casey before eating something off the floor
-And I can balance a yardstick on my nose. I don't think many other people can do that. Except seals.
~ Dan
11/28/01
Erin W: Remember that old lady with the cane?
Me: yeah...
Erin: Yeah, she was the best. She's probably dead now.
-Yes, I'm feeling somewhat intellectual cause I'm reading about invisible black people.
~ Dan
11/30/01
-You have a book of Zen and a knife out. I'm worried.
~ Andrea to me
-It reminded me of Rush Limbaugh but it made me much less hostile.
~ Andrea
-You would make a good fountain.
~ Seth to Dan
-I feel like I could be a pilot, if my bed could fly.
~ Me
-It's a schizofrenic with a sword. A violent group of people!
~ Dan
December
12/1/01
Dan: Maybe that's where they got the name pigskin!
Me: From a duck?
Dan: Yeah!
-We're Yidishizing you. It's like Jazzercise, only Jewish.
~ Me to dan
Dan: With your personalities and mine combined... I am Captain Planet!
Me: Why do you get to be Captain Planet? They're my personalities too.
-It's Dave, but it's good.
~ Dan about a DMB song
-That is completely the North Carolina school system. They were like "Here's your clarinet, put it in a sock."
~ Amanda
-You can't intercess between yourself... I could.
~ I'm schizofrenic
12/2/01
Amanda: You have a pomegranet?
Me: Yeah, you want some?
Amanda: No, I don't like it.
Me: They're so good!
Amanda: What are they?
12/3/01
-The "bow bow" is crucial because otherwise I can't shake my sweet ass!
~ Casey is hooked on a feeling
-It wasn't funny until it wasn't funny, and then it became funny.
~ Me
12/6/01
-I see hard nipples in your future.
~ Melissa walks outside in the cold
-How many times have I told you you have a nice ass?!
~ Mithun "A-Team" Sahdev to Dan
-I've been making sense all along and I didn't even know it!
~ Amanda
-Can I please have paper towels to stuff down my pants?
~ Amanda
-I think my eyebrows are cold.
~ Me
-I burned my ear in the drier. It's not as much fun as it looks.
~ Amanda
-Yeah, you don't have to cut down a menorah.
~ Amanda on the benefits of Judaism
-Seeing as my pants smell like beer and my top makes me look like a ho... I can't go to work like this!
~ Amanda
-Does anybody have, like, a really short extension cord?
~ Chesney
Me: Today in Traditional Japan the entire class revolved around
Dan: Penises?!
Me: ... The Penal code.
12/16/01
-We can send them all to another country and they can sing about physics and send us the good things they make.
~ Amanda doesn't like physicists
-I was already quoted tonight. I have a one quote capacity... quota... something.
~ Amanda
12/17/01
-I'm smarter than the piece of wood... smarter than the piece of wood. However, the string has got me beat.
~ Dan is defeated by a brain teaser
-When is New Years, anyways?
~ Me
-I like salty stuff.
~ Amanda
-Being smart is for people who know how to handle a brain... Sorry.
~ Amanda
12/18/01
-I think my seppuku dagger just committed harikiri.
~ Me
Me: Daryl, take my animal behaviore midterm for me.
Daryl: I'd probably fail it. The only thing I know about animal behavior is the way Dan acts from time to time.
12/20/01
Me: I thought you were sober.
Nick: I thought so too...
-When I woke up my roommate was gone. And all of his stuff was gone. And I think he was abducted by crows.
~ Nick
2002
January
1/13/02
Dan: Did you know the most times a woman was recorded having an orgasm in an hour was one hundred thirty four?
Vickery: How do they even record that?
Dan: Did you? Yeah. Did you? Yeah. Did you? Yeah.
-If you need a Resume Rabbit to be a hooker, you've got serious problems.
~ Amanda must be a pro
1/14/02
-I know how to get what I don't want!
~ Amanda
-As long as you supply me with things I need to pick up, I'll supply you with short skirts.
~ Amanda
Me: Amanda has blowjobs.
Amanda: I have them in my pocket.
-No! He doesn't tell you what to suck on, you don't tell him what to quote!
~ Amanda to Dan
1/17/02
-Anna and I are trying to scare Meri and Jill.. Without having them make beastiality or lesbian jokes.
~ Jennelle
Nick: Casey has no shirt on.
Me: And Daryl has no pants.
Nick: They're the perfect roommates.
-You have to learn to lie if you're ever gonna get married.
~ Erin
-What's wrong with a shiny crotch?
~ Dan
-If I lived in Europe I'd have to have my pants imported. I could never wear those things.
You need, like, a pants horn or something.
~ Stephens
1/20/02
-You guys make me dumb.
~Rachel
-I'm happy with my boobies.
~ Dan
1/21/02
-Wow. Cars are cool!
~ JLaw
JLaw: This sculpture is so dynamic. Look at it twist and turn...
Webber: It must be destroyed!
-It's kind of like a gerbil, only it's a bunch of pencils.
~ Dan
Me: The flier gnomes are not transvestites.
Dan: Why not?
Me: They're synonynomyous
Dan: synonynomyous?
Me: They're very much the same.
1/24/02
-Put the knife down! You're scarier when you're bald.
~ Dan to me
-No no no. One penis on a man is quite enough.
~ Beth
-I've fallen and I can't get up... I need opposable toes.
1/26/02
-I blame the verticality of my position.
~ Dan
Me: It's not pitch black out at all.
Nick: Actually, it's kinda pitch light.
Nick: It could be a spy plane.
Me: Spy planes don't give off light. That's why they're spy planes.
Dan: Hello kettle, this is pot.
Me: You're an idiot.
-You know how much I love a good solid crack.
~ Stephens
-Twenty floor? Ooh... I can't imagine what a peeled grapefruit would look like if you dropped it from there.
~ JLaw
1/27/02
Nate: Man, I guess I don't say that many quoteworthy things.
Me: When you are around, you are usually drinking not talking.
Nate: But that's when I say the most quoteworthy things.
1/29/02
-Suck my funk.
~ Dan
1/31/02
-Rhinocerous horns are something you wouldn't think. Like dead birds or something.
~ Dan is not a bio major
February
2/2/02
-No, this wasn't a dream cuz it was the same night I got on this webpage for wearing aluminum foil pants.
~ Nick
-The drawers are making me sound like a slut.
~ Amanda
Dana: Everything Amanda says should be in the quotebook.
Amanda: No, that'd be like an encyclopedia. I talk way too much.
-If someone told you you were a vampire, and they meant it, that would sober you up.
~ Nick
-There will be no couples in my room fighting except for me!
~ I'm still schizofrenic
Me: How often do you put coke up your nose?
Dan: How often do I lick the TV? Never! But I know what it's gonna feel like.
-I'm convinced that you guys all just whack it too hard.
~ Daryl
2/9/02
Me: Your stupidity is not my fault.
Dan: Yes!... Wait...
2/14/02
-But I don't want to "marry him" marry him. I just want to marry him so I can shrink him and put
him in a cabinet and keep him in my pocket.
~ Amanda of Nick
-Lick it and grab it!
~ Amanda
2/20/02
Me: Casey's napping.
Daryl: Is he napping or making babies?
Me: If he's making babies he's doing it asexually.
Stephens: Casey's budding!
2/21/02
-Wow, that's one hot computer animated cat.
~ Dan
2/23/02
-We're going straight. I forgot what that felt like.
~ Dan
-If only I could get in that tree and be naked and go "Aiyiaiyaiii!"
~ Byron
-Why do clothes have to be so way confusing?
~ Amanda
-I hear the popping and it makes me crazy.
~ Amanda
Amanda: I was deforming myself.
Me: Deforming?
Amanda: Defending?
Amanda: Lets make a rule that I...
Me: Won't talk anymore?
Amanda: No, cause that'd be like, impossible.
2/25/02
-Why do they call it rearing children when they come out the front?
~ Dan
March
3/1/02
Nick: I can catch things in my mouth. I can get a job now.
Me: As a... dolphin.
Nick: No! As a seal. You don't know anything.
3/5/02
-I don't think I could eat monkey. Cuz I'd want to have one as a pet and I'd feel bad eating his friends.
~ Dan
-You should have seen this tomato. It was aching to be dropped from a high, high place.
~ JLaw
3/7/02
-It's like a well-dressed homeless person exploded in my room.
~ Stephens
Shawn: Congratulations! I hope you enjoy your new penis.
Stacey: I do!
-I'm not a girl! And by that I mean guy.
~ Stacey
Me: Did you ever see Being John Malcovitch? Being Nick Farrell. That'd be cool.
Dan: Ooh, a castle! Ooh, a plant! Ooh, a castle!
-My boobies do not belong on the vast pages of the internet! Unless I'm getting paid for it.
~ Amanda would do anything if she could get paid
Nick: You win. I cannot for a coherent statement.
Me: And this is different from normal how?
Nick: I have an excuse.
Me: Why are there things floating in my drink?
Nick: There's things swimming in it?
Me: Yeah.
Nick: Can I drink it?!
3/11/02
Nick: Let me know when you get to my first quote. I want to know what it is.
Me: Oh, you're gonna make me go page by page now?
Nick: I thought that's what you were doing.
Me: Oh... Yeah, I guess it is.
-I think scratch'n'sniff porn is a bad, bad idea.
~ Me
Nick: Have you ever seen Play-Doh get caught in a moustache?
Me: No...
Nick: Then you don't know where I'm coming from.
Me: Have you?
Nick: No.
Me: Then you don't know where you're coming from either!
3/17/02
-Don't toss his cookies!
~ Nick
Me: Eat me!
Nick: Why, are you Play-Doh?
-Matt tossed his cookies!
~ Justin
-See, everyone's like a closet Play-Doh eater.
~ Nick
-Beef fountains and Play-Doh. It's what's for dinner.
~ Me
3/18/02
-I remembered why I think I'm black. Well, part black. Did I tell you? Fried chicken. I have a craving for fried chicken.
~ Dan
Me: I've had enough retardation. I'm going back in my room where it's less retarded.
Webber: Myth.
3/26/02
-I take my caffiene intraveneously.
~ Professor Brooks
3/29/02
Me: He's like "I'm a bunny. I don't speak English."
Nick: Yeah, bunnies speak Russian.
Both: Da
3/31/02
-I don't have to stick my mouth on it and suck it out, do I?
~ Staloff tries the barrell brain teaser
April
4/02/02
-I think I had a kid or something...
~ Amanda
-Bisexuality is where I draw the line.
~ Melissa says no to animals
4/3/02
Me: I'm on the last page in the quotebook!
Nick: Okay, I'll try not to say anything stupid so that I don't get immortalized as the last stupid thing ever said.
-More food needs to do interesting things in the microwave.
~ Stephens discovers the hidden nature of peeps
-I totally want to wear cellophane as clothing now.
~ Amanda
Me: why did you eat that?
Nick: Well, it didn't look like food.
4/9/02
Sarah: I'm gonna buy you chew toys!
Dan: Where do you think Junior went?
Stephens: You put him in the fridge?!
-Obviously you don't understand the magic of fried chicken.
~ Dan
4/10/02
-Yeah, that's a little tight... Stay in the hole!
~ Dan puts on his seat belt
Andrea: Him and I are computer illiterate together.
Dan: He's not computer illiterate.
Me: He likes Macs.
Dan: He's computer retarded.
4/11/02
Me: I'm on duty at ten which means she'll have to entertain herself until you get back.
Becky: That's where you need the camera!
Dan: You've got boobs!
Beth: I've got big ones, they're pissing me off.
-You're not gonna spurt, right Matt?
~asks Sara as she lays in my lap
4/13/02
-Impregnable fortress... Ok, slightly pregnable fortress.
~ Dan
Daryl: You do realize that the only purpose of these things is to light cigerrettes, right?
Me: Is that why they're called cigerrette lighters?
-Yeah, but "Roses are red, violets are blue, I have dissociative identity disorder and so do I" doesn't sound as good.
~ Me
-Stop harassing me... or I will hit you!
~ Stephens
-Hey, I loved Michael Jackson when I was little.
~ Sarah
-Well, Russia is sometimes Europe.
~ Nick
Brian: Does anyone want to mess with Reiner?
Me: Yes, what are we doing?
Brian: Bad things...
All: Yeah!!!
-[singing] Fat guy on a little Bri...
~ Dan
-No, I won't be in that one. It will have no carnal knowledge of my mouth.
~ Amanda
-All my points fly away. they're like winged pointy things.
~ Amanda
-I'm really cold and I have to pee. But I don't want to get up. Can I just pee on your floor? I think I'd be warm.
~ Amanda
-And speaking of redundancy, my foot's gonna be up your ass!
~ Amanda
4/16/02
-So many things! So many things going on downstairs that I can't even think about it cuz my brain goes on overload
~ Nick
4/18/02
-He's an old man, he just gives me things.
~ Me about Bob Place
-We went from cookie dough to cookies. It's the whole food chain!
~ Dan
-My brain doesn't like my mouth. It makes it sound stupid.
~ Amanda
4/22/02
Me: Have you ever seen a duck's penis?
Dan: Yes. Several!
-I haven't given that many handjobs.
~ Me, meaning ANY
-It doesn't affect me. I am immune... JUST TURN IT OFF!
~ Nick wasn't quite immune
4/24/02
-Maybe now I can beat up my girlfriend.
~ Matt Mayan on Jujutsu
4/25/02
-I hate being retarded. It makes life so difficult.
~ Me
4/26/02
-I got my up's and down's and in's and out's confused.
~ Dan
Dan: Eiffel Tower!
Me: That's something I don't wanna be in the middle of.
MK: That's my job!
-I should be a guy sometimes. It just works better.
~ Amanda
Amanda: I get naughty when I'm drunk.
Dan: You get naughty when you're sober.
Amanda: Yeah, but I have an excuse.
-My breasts are totally sweating. at least they're not emitting magical powers this night.
~ Amanda
-I wanna do a body shot. I'll do half a shot. I just wanna lick people!
~ Amanda
-I'm in a fight with Tom-Nick. I beat his "Guru Style" because I hit him in the head with a door.
~ Brian Frank Rea
-Ooh! A fraternity! Ooh! A plant!
~ Nick
Amanda: You look like the rag lady from DC.
Nick: I am.
Amanda: Oh my god you found me!
-I keep wondering why people give me weird looks and then I realize I have clothes on my head.
~ Nick
-Amanda's lysdexic. She opened her teeth with my pants.
~ Dan
-Ok we need to not do this now because we're definitely doing bad things to me
and we don't want to have to write letters to Penthouse and explain.
~ Amanda
-I don't read it, I only look at the pictures.
~ Amanda
-We're doing a blow-by-blow play of the weekend.
~ MK had a good weekend
-Believe me. I am the god of the dinosaurs.
~ Well I am!
4/29/02
-Yes, I am feral right now. So don't taunt the monkey!
~ Dan
May
5/2/02
Jon: I can tell where this is going and I don't like it!
Me: This isn't going anywhere.
Jon: I know!
-He looks like one of those things that has the wings and is naked.
~ Amanda thinks Dan's license picture looks like Cupid
-Huggies didn't make loin-cloths. I'm confused.
~ Amanda still about Cupid
-Here honey, let me put this on you, don't make a mess... Oh shit.
~ Amanda, now on why Huggies doesn't make loin-cloth
5/3/02
Me: When will you learn?
Nick: Never. I'd be one of those rats that would really frustrate scientists in shock therapy experiments.
5/5/02
Nate: The way the movie ends, Groveman would have to be gay and I'd have to marry Rachel.
Dan: Why can't you be gay and Matt would marry Rachel?
Me: I'd rather be gay.
-If I hadn't slept with him three times already, I would have felt violated.
~ Kristin on values
-Did you know that when you light things on fire they get hot?
~ Dan
Dan: I was purposely being stupid. You can't write that down!
Amanda: Write that down too!
5/9/02
-Bosoms! I love this game!
~ Dan plays TextTwist
5/10/02
-Tequila is sex juice! Don't drink it!
~ Amanda
5/11/02
-I'm really slutty and I'm going to corrupt everyone.
~ Amanda
-I find that the more I open my mouth the more I suck.
~ Nick
5/13/02
-I keep hearing my roommate do it and that keeps making me go!
~ Amanda about hiccups
5/14/02
-I just got this mental image of a deer sitting there with those hooves trying to roll a joint. It'd be the hardest thing ever!
~ Dan
5/15/02
-I don't use the dictionary to come up with new words.
~ Amanda does it all by herself
-My quotes will not be targeted on the internet!
~ Whatever you say Amanda
Me: You're such an impulse shopper.
Amanda: I don't buy the things in the checkout line, I just buy what the TV tells me to.
5/16/02
-My alcohol in my brain is much more than my thought... cohol.
~ Amanda
5/17/02
-If there's one thing my momma taught me, it's drugs!
~ Amanda on home education
-[singing] Green Acres is the place to be. Farm lovin' is the life for me!
~ Amanda
-I am all open.
~ Erin
August
8/22/02
-That wasn't a cochroach, that was like a Sigma Chi pledge or something!
~ Reiner gets attacked by a large bug
Ashley: Seven?
Chris: Lower.
Ashley: King?
8/27/02
-You just keep going and going. You're like this never-ending bunny of annoyance!
~ Amanda loves me
-You have the golden penis.
~ Melissa K
October
10/10/02
-Before I wasn't hungry because that smelled gross. But now it smells good. Get me some nice tube socks.
~ Amanda
-You're making my nose drunk! It doesn't want to be drunk!
~ Amanda
-Yeah, cuz David Bowie is gonna be all up and in your business!
~ Amanda
-I am easy. Like a slut.
~ Jack
10/13/02
-Alright, I'm coming back up there just cuz you guys need to eat my shoulders.
~ Diana
10/16/02
-I can tell color when I'm blind!
~ Amanda
10/23/02
Jae: So for once Farrell defied the laws of idiocy.
Nick: See? Thank you.
November
11/12/02
-Lies. He's Spongebob Squarepants. He'd have to be, like, Spongebob Bulgypants.
~ Nick on the difference between Spongebob and David Bowie
11/13/02
-Would you start writing down why I say these things? If i'm going to sound dumb I'd at least like to know why.
~ Amanda wants to know why she is the way she is
11/15/02
-What is wrong with your mind?! This guy like sleeps all day; he's in tune with the afterlife.
~ Baccash on Farrell's psychic powers
11/20/02
-If you talk slowly, you can read.
~ Amanda wishes she knew why she said this
11/28/02
-We have thin pins and small balls.
~ Lawlor on Boston
December
12/3/02
-She sleeps, eats, and poops. I play videogames! And I eat sleep and poop.
~ Nick on why my iguana is lazier than him
12/9/02
-No, I take everyone seriously that talks to me with an ice cube tray on their head.
~ Amanda
12/10/02
-I cut eyes out of magazines. I am crazy. Leave me alone and don't anger me!
~ Amanda
12/12/02
Nick: I wanna go home. I wanna sleep in my own bed.
Manda: I wanna be wearing underwear, but you don't hear me complaining.
12/17/02
Me: Why are you looking at a picture of someone's butt?
Manda: Because it gets me off.
-I would like to partake in this drinking. I have alcohol to offer and share... And if you don't let me I'll sit outside your door and scream.
~ Amanda
12/19/02
-Oh no, I don't want that reputation. No more eiffel towers!
~ No more eiffel towers for Amanda
Nick: It is new to me.
Amanda: Apparently so, goldfish boy.
-I need more... zoomy juice.
~ Dom needed coffee
12/29/02
-I would so pay $20 to let a cartoon grope me. I might even go as high as $30!
~ Amanda wants Stitch to grope her
2003
January
1/12/03
-I'm John the Baptist!
~ Drunken Nick baptized us with paperclips
-Some drunken fuck threw paperclips all over the place.
~ Nick about John the Baptist
-The taxi came and I said "alcoholism?" except I don't remember becuase I was drunk.
~ Amanda
-Oh my god, when they play little-kid Jeopardy I kick ass! I could so win at little-kid Jeopardy!
~ Amanda chooses her victories carefully
1/21/03
-Awake, for me, is an impared state.
~ Amanda
1/23/03
-Put that in your quotebook, so people think twice when they read about me and call me stupid.
~ Sorry Nick, nobody thinks twice
1/31/03
-Why do I always end up on my knees?
~ Amanda
February
2/8/03
-We were gonna wet willie you for stealing our duck... And by duck I mean toilet seat.
~ Vianco
-I would literally reach inside of her, rip the fuck out of her, put it in a jar and feed it to fireflies!
~ Vianco really hates this chick
2/11/03
Manda: He goes clamming out on the coast and brings back like five cats at a time.
Me: He goes clamming and brings back cats?
Manda: Yeah... He's not very good at clamming.
2/14/03
-I lay them. Not like in sex, but in egg form.
~ Amanda
2/16/03
-Sometimes when I talk to her it's like she understands me word for word, other times it's like I'm talking to an entirely different species.
~ Me about my iguana
March
3/3/03
-Alright. I'm going out in a blaze of glory. And then I'm going to bed.
~ Kelly playing Medal of Honor
Casey: Now this is the way the playpen should be.
Bernstein: Buttsex?
3/12/03
-That's a good midnight snack for when you come home at four. But then it wouldn't be midnight, would it?
~ Aunt Sharon about snacking in different time zones
3/17/03
Dan: This has got me more chicks than you can ever dream of.
Melissa: You get chicks?
3/18/03
-You want it! You want it! Eat it! Just swallow!
~ Kelly to his team during the consumption challenge
3/22/03
Me: Maybe we will buy an umbrella.
Baccash: Maybe not. That costs money. Being wet is free.
-I make sure everyone goes home happy.
~ Rachel
3/24/03
-I just don't want to be wearing my pants anymore. What is so wrong with that? Why am I being forbidden to take them off?
~ Amanda fights with her pants in an attempt to get changed
3/28/03
-Does his face look like his ass? No. Then he's not Bowser.
~ Kelly defends my honor
-You know dad. He's my dad. He's also your dad.
~ Amanda confuses her sister with her mind logic
Vianco: So you're all staring off into space and I'm chewing on my arm?
Webber: That sounds about right.
April
4/1/03
-The same wool you're using is the same meat you're eating in pork chops!
~ Melissa's top reason to be a vegetarian
4/4/03
-I feel like you should go to Sears to buy a toolbox, not something you'd wear to a gay bar called "The Toolbox"
~ Baccash on Sears selling thongs
4/12/03
Becky: If you blow down your shirt, it tickles your boobs.
Erin: Oooh!
Manda: Oooh! Hehehe...
4/17/03
-That'd be horrible! I'd buy tickets to see it!
~ Dan on a certain death match
4/18/03
Me: Cactus... Nope, no restrictions on cactus.
Vianco: You can eat all the cactus you want?
Me: Yep.
Vianco: What a religion!
-If it weren't for this cemetary, I wouldn't have gotten that BBQ sauce.
~ Vianco on strange associations
-The prison... How the prison comes into this. It's not a bad prison story, as prison stories go.
~ Scrimshaw on his time in a Guatemalan prison
4/22/03
Kelly: I have to avoid massive amounts of death.
Me: I feel like, any amount of death is bad.
May
5/5/03
-If I had to recall having sex with an 80 year old man, I'd probably crawl into bed and go to sleep too.
~ Kelly
-I'm gonna go deaf because of you! I can't smell already, it's bad enough!
~ And by smell, Amanda means hear
5/8/03
Jae: Oh that landed perfectly!
Kelly: Yeah, the crotch landed right in my face.
-Scientists write like third graders mostly. One idea per sentence. This is a study. We studied flies. We studied this type of flies.
~ Sara's Dan helps me write a research paper
5/9/03
-Sphincters! I love sphincters. I'm gonna name my son sphincter.
~ Kyley had been studying bio too long that day
5/14/03
Me: Well I don't find your ovaries attractive.
Jess: Well I'll remember not to pull them out and go "lick these please".
5/19/03
-C'mon, we need to get back and let our mothers hug us and pretend something important just happened.
~ Me to Amanda after we didn't graduate
5/31/03
-Your dishwasher is like a bad date. It makes you hot and wet and does nothing for you.
~ Amanda about my disfunctional diswasher... or her private life
June
6/14/03
-Yeah me and the dildo, we go way back.
~ Melissa S
6/19/03
-He can talk from in there and it will sound like he's in here. As opposed to when he's in here and it sounds like it's coming from in your head!!!
~ Vianco about Skeehan's lack of volume control
6/21/03
Manda: We should play 'never have I ever'.
Melissa: I have to drive dude.
July
7/12/03
-Dude, I love booty.
~ Jack loves booty
7/21/03
-That's because I was stupid freshmen year.
~ Andrea was stupid
August
8/8/03
-They need to get her clothes off now please!
~ Amanda about Winona Ryder
8/10/03
-So I have a horrible memory. She got me all caught up in conversation. And you know how I am with talking!
~ Amanda
8/11/03
-Some of my best friends are strange. And all of my strange friends are nice.
~ Me explaining to Lawlor that strange people can be nice
8/12/03
-We only got about halfway through. I have resident evil blueballs now.
~ Baccash playing Resident Evil on the evening of the power outage
8/13/03
Dom: Yeah, those pesky desk rollers. Always fucking you in the ass.
Me: I see you have different problems with them than I do.
Dom: Oh... I mean... Always... Breaking your desk. Damnit, the truth comes out.
September
9/5/03
-On those cross country truckin' trips, Play-Doh is your only friend.
~ Farrell on the wonders of Play-Doh
-She smacked me in the balls because I called her a Jew and made fun of the Torah.
~ Mayan on Berny's Jew girlfriend
9/6/03
-I am French Canadian.
~ Dom finally accepts his heritage
-It looks like you're swimming with your face.
~ Me of Justin's facial expressions
Me: It looks like he's doing the breast stroke with his face.
2K4: I love stroking breasts with my face.
-This class is so easy you could just beat your meat and pass with flying colors... And flying jizm. But that's another story.
~ Justin on LIN 110
9/8/03
Me: V.P.M.E... Vaginal Probing...
Dom: Magic Elf!!!
-And I don't wanna run in there and yell "Break it off!" because then Skeehan would hit me in the balls.
~Mayan has this problem alot apparently
9/10/03
Me: You have interesting and insightful things to say.
Amanda: They're not interesting OR insightful!
9/13/03
-Hey stop! I was on fire like two weekends ago and I'm still burned from it.
~ Ian gets burned
2K4: Who was I doing that to?
Me: Touching?
DK: Slapping balls?
Nick: Oh he was doing that to me.
That's it for now folks... The college years are over. But hopefully there will be more yet to come on my visits back to the crazy world that is U of R...