Title: Closing Doors
Summary: This is post S2 and does incorporate some S3 spoilers. It was started shortly after the S2 finale and now that S3 has started, I think some of it may be a little bit off canonically. But this is fan fic, so I suppose it is a bit off canonically almost by definition. In any case, this is an Alice-centric story of how she's dealing with the break-up of Danish 18 months after their breakup.
Rating: An overall R.

----------

1.

Some things she knew. Like that she never believed in the concept of soulmates and thought people who used that term were more concerned with telling the world they were in love with one another and trying to convince each other of that, rather than actually doing anything to prove they were in love.

And of course, there were people like Bette and Tina who just liked to use that term--'soulmates' and more power to them, but Bette and Tina were "first, last and forever" people, at least, when it came to one another, so they could have their quaint little word while they fought over how to raise a baby, why Bette was so interested in the hot, new, flavor of the week that was taking the art world by storm, or why Tina was so interested in the guy who always used the stair climber while she was on the treadmill. Really, if it made them feel more secure about their relationship, Alice was glad they had it.

But she was never able to believe in soulmates.

With Dana, there were times when she almost wished she could believe in soulmates because she couldn't articulate everything she felt for Dana, couldn't wrap her mind around the depth of her emotion, couldn't think of anything really, other than that Dana was the woman she wanted to be with for the rest of her life.

But that was over now.

Dana broke up with her.

And she was left with the sinking realization that all that emotion had probably been mostly one-sided, that Dana never truly loved her. At least, not the way she'd loved Dana. Dana was inexperienced and she'd just gotten caught up in the newness and excitement of everything. And once the thrill and the newness was gone, then their relationship was done.

Alice knew that now. But when it was coming and when it was happening to her, she'd never really expected it. But now that so much time has passed by, she wondered how she could have possibly been so stupid, so foolish and naïve. After all, she'd always known better. She had plenty of experience, had plenty of experience with people who didn't love her or loved her but didn't love her enough, or loved her, but loved someone else more. She'd never been able to make it work with anyone else before, and Alice felt so unfathomably stupid for believing it could work with Dana, for becoming so fucking complacent in that love that she actually trusted in it and believed that she wouldn't get hurt.

She couldn't believe she'd been the one who always felt she had to be careful of Dana's heart. She should have been looking after her own.

It's been eighteen months since Dana broke up with her, and though she's not over Dana yet, she knows their break-up was for a myriad of reasons.

For a long time, Alice thought it was just because of Lara, but she could see now Dana didn't quite know how to deal with her, although Lara was definitely a factor considering Dana apparently needed closure with the redheaded chef.

Dana was inexperienced and sometimes the depth of Alice's need spooked Dana. And then it chased Dana away. Dana tried, of course, because Dana wasn't the kind of person to just give up when it got hard, but eventually Dana broke up with her.

And because Dana wasn't certain of how to say it or do it, she announced it abruptly while they were eating dinner at Alice's apartment.

"I think we need a break. I need closure with Lara. I need time."

Alice knew she handled the break-up badly. It was an understatement, but she didn't like to think about it or dwell on it. It hurt too much to think about, and it was so embarrassing, that she almost wished herself dead when she thought of it.

It's been eighteen months since the break-up. It's been fourteen months since she's seen or talked to Dana or their other friends. She's lost contact with Dana, kept her spot with KCRW, but left LA Magazine for LA Weekly and moved away from West Hollywood to a place closer to the beach in Santa Monica in an effort to get a fresh start.

It didn't work as much as she hoped it would, but it was enough. Like, if she could just separate herself enough from the person she used to be, she could forget about how miserable she'd once been, how hard it'd been just to function day-to-day, and how for several weeks, she could barely get out of bed and certainly couldn't leave her apartment.

She was better now, but she needed certain traces of the past erased-- things that used to be good, and now hurt her because it reminded her of what she no longer had and things that were not so good that she was glad to be rid of. She knew it probably wasn't healthy to do that, to try and fix the external when she knew it was everything inside her that was still fucked up. But it worked for her, moving and getting a new job. And keeping the KCRW gig helped because she could still talk about things that pissed her off, and no one even seemed to remember that she used to lash out at Dana and Lara over the radio waves. She knew there were things inside her that were simmering and boiling that she needed to get rid of, but she didn't know how. She tried medications, but they never worked and it took Helena to flush them down the toilet that Alice realized she was doing more harm than good when she self-medicated and it was too much temptation to even have them around. Better to do completely without.

It was easier to change jobs, change locations, change friends. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but it was all she could do at the moment and Helena often told her that just because something wasn't healthy didn't mean it wasn't a perfectly reasonable coping mechanism. Some things kept you moving from the day-to-day so that you can eventually face the long-term. Alice liked how that sounded because it enabled her to rely on her two favorite coping mechanisms-- repression and denial. Maybe at some other point, when she could laugh about all this, she would deal with it in a "healthy" way, but for now, all she had was this.

Somewhere along the way, Helena Peabody became her best friend.

She didn't know quite how that happened, even now. They met in yoga class, they talked, they met for coffee a few times and fifteen months later, anytime anything even remotely exciting or interesting happened to her, the first thing Alice thought was 'I can't wait to tell Helena!' The British woman always responded with a grin and Alice loved the way Helena could simply be happy for other people, even when she wasn't happy herself. It used to be a quality she liked to believe she had in herself, but lately, the only person she could be happy for was Helena, and she knew Helena wasn't exactly the happiest person in the world either so maybe it was easier because of it. Of all the people she knew, it was Helena whom Alice genuinely wished were happy. And if Helena were happy, Alice could be genuinely happy for her.

But it was just too hard to be happy for anyone else and she hoped that would change one day because she didn't exactly like that new facet to her personality.

She needed time.

Alice and Helena walked up the four flights of stairs to Alice's new apartment, the two women taking turns cursing the broken elevator as Alice regaled Helena with the story of seeing a fisherman catch a huge yellowtail fish in Santa Monica when she was younger.

"Seriously, it was the biggest fucking fish I'd ever seen in my life," Alice said, passing Helena her coffee cup to hold as she demonstrated with her hands just how big the fish was. Alice held out her arms as far as they would go. "It was that big."

"But your arms are rather short, darling," Helena teased, passing Alice's coffee back to her. "And you were only eight then, so how many enormous fish could you have seen? Unless, of course, you were born in a coastal fishing town." Helena pressed her forehead against Alice's. "Were you born in a coastal fishing town?" she asked innocently.

Alice mock scowled and shoved Helena playfully. "I was born in LA, you know that," Alice said rolling her eyes. "And it's still the biggest fish I'd ever seen in my life and my arms aren't short!" Alice pouted. "That jacket was just too big. It's even big on you! Your arms get lost in it, too." She made a face and mock glared at Helena. "Coastal fishing town!" she muttered indignantly.

She could not believe Helena was using that example to illustrate how her arms were short. Helena just bought a jacket that was too big! It was too big and yet Helena had a weird fondness for it, even if she didn't wear it out much because it clashed with her image, apparently. Alice borrowed it just once when she was over watching DVDs and felt cold and now Helena was using that to ridicule her.

It was unfair, it really was.

Helena grinned in amusement. "Yes, that may be true, but my arms are still longer than yours. Because I am taller."

Alice snorted. "Yeah? Well, are they long enough so that your knuckles can drag along the ground? Because it's very uncouth to mock a lady about her stature, Cavelady Helena."

Helena chuckled. "I did not mock you about your stature per se. I merely commented on the length of your arms, which are shorter than mine, and so it would be accurate for me to assess them as 'short.' A truthful observation is 'mocking,' but rather a statement of fact."

Alice lightly swatted at Helena's shoulder. "I hate it when you do that," she complained good-naturedly, standing behind Helena and putting her arms around the British woman's waist and hugging her as they stood outside the door that lead to the hallway leading to Alice's apartment. She grinned crookedly. "It makes me think you're going to slap me with a ruler for being insouciant and then give me like, 100 demerits."

"I rather enjoy your insouciance," Helena said. "And I don't believe in corporal punishment," Helena said absently as she opened the door.

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't really matter if you did because let's face it, Helena. You're a proper, British chick, you don't know how to throw a punch or give a spanking," Alice grinned and raised her eyebrows suggestively at Helena as she gave the British woman a playful wink.

"I would know how to throw a punch or give a spanking!" Helena exclaimed defensively. "I've merely have never had to opportunity to do either, but I assure you, I would be quite good at it!"

Alice laughed and kissed Helena on the cheek as they stepped the two women stepped into the hallway. "If you were a villain on some television show, because the bad guys are always British, you'd be the one that was really kick ass when she was wielding a gun, but would punch the hero and have, like, no effect but would go down like a ton of bricks if she got punched back," Alice joked. "And I would be the American turncoat rushing to your aid and kicking the ass of the hero for daring to hit you." Alice frowned, realizing Helena had stopped abruptly. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked concerned. "What's wrong?" she asked, following Helena's gaze down the hallway and catching sight of the woman standing a hundred feet away, outside Alice's door.

"Darling," Helena said softly.

"Fuck," Alice muttered.

Helena glanced quickly at Alice, noting with dismay that Alice's once happy expression was now falling, becoming blank as Alice's smile faded slowly.

The day had gone so well up to that point that Helena suspected something would ruin it.

Her children were with her ex, and she and Alice seized that opportunity to do some shopping and movie-watching at the Grove, and then spent several hours walking around Santa Monica as Alice told her stories of going to the Pier in high school and getting drunk whilst people-watching. They'd planned to go back to Alice's apartment for an evening of drinking games and a week's worth of Tivo'd Oprah episodes even if Oprah made them both cry. But those plans were not likely to happen now, and Alice's genuinely carefree, happy mood-- which was so rare these days-- that was gone now, too.

It's been fourteen months since Alice has seen Dana and now Dana is standing in front of her apartment, a place Alice used to love because it was cozy and just big enough and had no Dana memories. And now Dana was there, in front of her and she didn't know how to handle all that, didn't know how she could sleep in this place that night, now that she would always remember Dana showing up, so completely unexpectedly, it felt like a punch to the stomach.

Dana watched Alice and Helena approach with a mixture of surprise and nervousness.

A year ago, she heard Alice and Helena became friendly, but she was sure it was going to be a short-lived thing. But Alice was so far removed from their lives now, that though she was a little surprised to see Alice and Helena's friendship wasn't short-lived, she wasn't surprised that she was unaware of that fact. She bit her lower lip, a little disconcerted by Alice's empty expression, but it felt so good to see the blonde nonetheless, even if Alice wasn't blonde anymore, having gone back to her darker hair color. She knew, of course, that Alice wasn't blonde anymore, but she thought Alice would dye it back blond again. She wasn't sure why she thought this or why it really mattered because she thought Alice was beautiful, regardless of her hair color, but Dana found herself to find that Alice was still a brunettes.

"What are you doing here?" Alice asked flatly.

Dana swallowed visibly, clearly intimidated by the hostility emanating from Alice. "I wanted to talk to you," she said quietly.

She didn't expect it to be easy--it had frightened her so much, to see Alice's completely unexpected reaction to their break-up. She'd seen Alice through break-ups before, and even when she cried, she still maintained a sense of humor about it all. The way Alice reacted, the way she behaved--that wasn't Alice at all, and it scared Dana so badly, she felt the urge to run away and hide, which of course, is what she did, and what made an already bad situation even worse. And when Alice stopped, when Alice wasn't around anymore, wasn't calling her incessantly or following her around, Dana had been relieved and decided maybe it was for the best that she let it go, let Alice go, not wanting to risk everything starting up again if she tried to contact Alice. But the more time passed, the harder it was to let Alice go, but the longer she kept her silence, the harder it was to work up the nerve to talk to Alice. After all, what could she say after all this time and distance? Looking at Alice, with her hair longer and darker than Dana could ever remember, Dana didn't think she knew how to talk to Alice anymore.

"I don't want to talk to you," Alice said coldly. "We have nothing to say to each other."

"But Al--"

"No, Dana," Alice said firmly, pushing past Dana to unlock her door.

Dana touched Alice's arm. "Alice, please. I've missed you so much. I just want to talk to you--"

Alice pulled her arm away violently, ignoring the wounded expression on Dana's face. She snorted. "Now you want to talk? So, when you want to talk, I have to listen to you? No, Dana. I don't want to talk to you."

All those times she begged Dana to talk to her, to explain more so she could understand, all those times Dana refused to talk to her. She didn't think she owed Dana anything now. And it was better this way--after Dana had broken up with her, she'd lost her head for a while, done so many crazy, terrible things, frightened Dana, frightened their friends, frightened herself. It was better this way, this clean break from all of that. She still missed Dana, but it was just easier being around her, when all the things from the past year and half weren't stirred up, all the things she was trying to get past and forget. And how could she forget with Dana coming here, so suddenly, with those eager blue eyes, that begged her for just a moment of her time, that familiar sweet voice, that face she was trying to forget.

It wasn't fucking fair. Why was she the person that was always ignored and dismissed? Why did she have to listen to someone else when they came back to her with empty apologies, begging to be heard? It wasn't fucking fair. No one heard her out when she begged to be heard.

"But, Al, I have to tell you something," Dana whispered pleadingly.

Alice turned to look at Dana, and tilted her head to the side, looking at Dana with an almost detached curiosity. It's been eighteen months since they broke up, what could Dana possibly have to say to her now? "What?" she asked flatly, making a concentrated effort not to give anything away, because to do that meant she would break down and she just couldn't do that in front of Dana. Not anymore. Not again.

"Can't we talk alone?" Dana begged. "Please Al? I just…I really--"

"No," Alice said flatly. She opened her front door and looked over her shoulder at Helena. "Are you coming in?" she asked, gruffly, though she didn't intend for it to come out so gruff.

Helena looked at Alice and then glanced at Dana and then back at Alice again and nodded softly.

"Alice, please," Dana said desperately.

Alice paused. "What?" she asked.

"Can't we talk alone?" Dana pleaded.

"Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Helena," Alice said flatly. "She's my best friend and I'd tell her everything anyway. I don't keep secrets from her."

Dana's eyes welled with tears as she looked at Alice, looking for even an iota of tenderness or kindness, some indication Alice still cared for her, but there weren't any.

At least nothing directed at her.

She saw Alice glance at Helena, watched brown eyes soften and become apologetic as Alice and Helena exchanged some kind of silent communication. She wasn't very good with words, and there was so much she wanted to say to Alice. She wanted to apologize, she wanted to beg Alice to take her back, she wanted to be the kind of person who could say all these things even if Helena Peabody were right there, but she couldn't. She had to be alone with Alice so she could take her time with everything she needed to say.

Alice was always so very understanding of that-- that sometimes she needed a little time to get her thoughts gathered, needed patience when she was trying to say something difficult--even when she'd practiced it. Alice knew these things about her, but at the moment, it was obvious Alice didn't care. Dana tried to say something, but she simply stared at Alice, her eyes rapidly welling with tears.

"Dana, do you have something to say to me or not?" Alice asked impatiently.

Dana looked at her, silently pleading with Alice for understanding. She wanted to beg Alice to look at her the way she used to, to talk to her the way she used to--to be patient with her, which Alice had always been so good at. But she couldn't say these things, they were lost in her throat.

Alice's jaw clenched. She shook her head and reached her hand out and pulled Helena inside, slamming the door in Dana's face.

Once inside, Alice took a shuddering breath. God. She couldn't believe Dana showed up here.

"Are you all right?" Helena asked quietly.

Alice gave her a tight smile. "Yes," she said, the word coming out strangled.

She paced her apartment restlessly. She couldn't believe Dana had the gall to show up at her apartment this way. Not after the way they broke up. Okay, so it wasn't like she handled the break-up particularly well either, so neither of them were saints, but it'd been over a year since Dana abruptly broke up with her and though she handled it badly, that was over now. She didn't want a reminder of that time in her life, and she especially didn't want Dana showing up on her door-step. She felt terrible about her behavior after the break-up, and she knew Dana was right in staying away from her, for trying to avoid her then. Alice could admit her behavior had been crazy. But she wished now that Dana had just kept on staying away from her--just because Dana was ready to speak to her again didn't mean she was ready to speak to Dana.

She was barely over Dana--no, it was safe to say she wasn't over Dana yet, but she was just at the point where she didn't think about Dana all the time, every day. And now Dana just showed up after a year? No, Alice wasn't going to let it happen. Whatever Dana had to say, she didn't want to hear it. She was almost happy and she didn't want anything to fuck it up.

"You were very harsh with her," Helena commented softly.

Alice turned and looked incredulously at her. "I was harsh with her?" Alice repeated in disbelief. "How can you say that to me?" she demanded. "Do you know how cruel she was to me?" she asked, her voice rising. But of course Helena did because Alice had told her everything. "How can you say that to me?" Alice asked, her voice breaking slightly. "You know everything."

"I'm sorry," Helena said quickly, horrified by her mistake. She moved toward Alice to envelope her in a comforting hug. "Darling, I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

Alice buried her face into Helena's shoulder, "It is your business," Alice said softly. "It is. I just…I don't want to see her or talk to her right now, it's too hard," Alice muttered, tears falling out of her eyes. "I don't want to hear anything she says."

Helena stroked Alice hair. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She didn't intend for it to come out the way it did, though Alice was very harsh with Dana. She knew, of course, that Dana had been very cruel to Alice, but she was a little taken aback by the harshness Alice showed Dana. There were many words Helena would use to describe Alice--sincere, kind, gentle, genuine, sweet. Harsh did not appear on the list. "I'm sorry, darling," Helena said, stroking Alice's back in light circles. "It's only that I didn't want you to say or do something you will regret. You've missed her, darling, and one day, you may want to be friends again. I simply didn't want you to close off that option prematurely."

"I just hate thinking about her," Alice said quietly.

"I know," Helena said softly. "I'm so sorry, darling. I know how much she has hurt you."

Alice sighed unhappily. "I was harsh with her," she admitted regretfully.

For a year, Alice kept hoping Dana would come to see her. She held onto that hope for so long, but it never happened. Dana never came, never called. And Alice still had no explanation for why Dana ended things, but at the same time left everything in the air, making Alice believe that all she needed to give Dana was time, time to get closure with Lara. Alice still didn't understand, and she still wondered if their entire relationship was a lie, if Dana had only been with her because the tennis player was comfortable with her. Maybe all she'd been for Dana was practice. She'd entertained all sorts of horrible possibilities for months and now she was finally moving on, things were finally coming together for her again and she was trying, truly trying to let things go and then Dana had to go and fuck it all up by finally showing up. It was too late.

It couldn't happen.

She had a nice apartment, she was making a decent living, she had Helena as her best friend, she was dating again. She was more or less happy and she wasn't about to let herself fuck it all up.

Not again.

But she still couldn't help feeling horribly guilty for the way she treated Dana because she knew Helena was right--she had been very harsh with the tennis player. But she just felt she had to be. She needed the tennis player to stay away from her. But the look on Dana's face, that wounded, hurt expression, the shock Dana clearly felt for being treated so harshly, was difficult for Alice to bear. But so was Dana's treatment of her, the way the tennis player had broken up with her, and as much as Alice wanted to run to Dana and hug her, and ask her what the athlete wanted to say, she just felt like she couldn't. She wasn't ready.

And maybe she would never be. Maybe she needed to just write off the relationship as a loss, face up to the fact that having no closure might be preferable to getting it because that meant talking to Dana again and re-opening all the unpleasantness again. All it would do was just hurt again, and she was so through with hurting. She wasn't sure she could handle any more of it.

Whatever feelings she had for Dana was just residual bullshit from their bullshit relationship. Dana had let it go so willingly and easily, so she should be able to follow suit. She wasn't going to be taken in by Dana showing up here and acting like she wanted to talk again. There was just no way she was going to open herself up to that.

Helena stroked Alice's hair. "Do you want me to give you some time alone?" she asked softly.

Alice shook her head. "I…I'd really like if you stayed," she said softly. "I mean, if you want to. I know I'm not always the most fun company."

Helena smiled at Alice. "I don't think there is anywhere else I'd rather be at the moment than with you."

Alice smiled back. "You know, I feel that way about you like, every moment of the day."

Helena grinned happily. "I believe Oprah is waiting for us."

Alice chuckled. "Yeah," she said. She put her arm around Helena. "Don't worry," she said. "I know Oprah makes you cry, so I'll protect you."

"I know you will," Helena said softly.

She flopped down on the sofa next to Alice, who turned on her television. Alice rested her head against Helena's shoulder and her arm rested against Helena's stomach and Helena wrapped her arm around Alice's shoulder as they settled into their usual positions for the night.

"I'm sorry I was mean to you, you know," Alice said softly. "You know, out there. I was way out of line. I mean, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. And I'm really sorry."

"It's all right, darling," Helena said. "You were upset and--"

"It wasn't okay," Alice corrected. "I was an asshole and I'm sorry. No one should talk to you like that. And I sure as hell shouldn't speak to you like." She smiled hesitantly at Helena. "Do you forgive me?"

"Of course, I do," Helena said softly.

"Okay. Hey, turn away, Helena, that's the little kid with no legs who makes you cry."

Helena glanced at the screen and released a tiny sound that resembled a squeal/squeak hybrid and quickly glanced away and buried her face into Alice's chest and covered her ears. "Tell me when he's gone, tell me when he's gone," she chanted.

Alice chuckled softly. "We're such girls," she noted, as she and Helena had both become teary-eyed. "I hate Oprah," she said, reaching for the tissue box and handing one to Helena who was watching the show and crying with her face pressed against Alice's chest.

--------

Alice rolled away from the dark-haired woman, sat up on the bed and bent down to pick up her discarded clothing.

"You're quiet tonight," Gabby said, wiping her hand across her mouth and rolling her head around to stretch her neck muscles.

Alice was always quiet around her now, which at first was a relief, because she thought Alice could stand to talk less. It's not that she didn't listen to Alice, of course, because she did. It was just that she usually didn't particularly care and she typically wasn't terribly interested in what Alice had to say. But Alice hardly spoke to her now, beyond "hey" and "see you" and Gabby found that a little disconcerting. She sort of missed the way Alice used to talk to her.

Frustratingly enough, the silence made Alice more interesting to her now which Gabby could privately admit to herself was a little twisted. And it was because of this that Gabby wished Alice would talk more and found herself actually missing the days when Alice would ramble on about something like she thought Gabby would actually care or be interested. And it shifted the balance of power in their relationship--in their previous efforts at a relationship, Gabby knew exactly where she stood with Alice. But now she simply wasn't so sure and Gabby was a little bit uncomfortable with that. She vastly preferred it when it was Alice who was uncertain of her status in the relationship. They were just fucking, but what did it mean that they were just fucking? It was never just fucking between them, even when she wanted it to be just fucking. And now it was and it just weirded Gabby out and she didn't like to over-think about this kind of crap because it was pointless. But here she was and naturally it was Alice who was putting all these dumb thoughts in her mind and Alice wasn't even talking to her.

For a fucking cheerful pixie, Alice was fucking infuriating.

Alice didn't respond to the comment, instead choosing to begin getting re-dressed.

"You were kind of out of it," Gabby said, trying to initiate conversation.

Not that she'd minded, of course, she'd always tried to push Alice into being a little rougher when they had sex, but there was only so much Alice was comfortable doing and Alice didn't seem to care about that anymore. So Gabby didn't really mind, because she'd enjoyed it, but she would have enjoyed it more if Alice seemed even remotely interested while they were doing it. The sex was still amazing, but Alice just seemed like she was somewhere else.

"You okay?" Gabby asked, with genuine concern when Alice was unresponsive.

She knew she took the journalist for granted, and she'd mocked Alice multiple times for her now embarrassingly infamous response to her breakup with the tennis player, but she genuinely cared about Alice and it frustrated her that Alice was rebuffing her very rare effort at showing her affection and concern. It was so rare for Gabby to do so, that she was irritated that Alice wasn't responding the way Gabby wanted her to.

Again, Alice didn't respond as she put on her skirt.

Gabby placed her hand on Alice's bare back, stopping Alice from putting her bra on. "Want to fuck again?" she drawled, resting her chin on Alice's shoulder, thinking back to all the times she'd done the same thing, and the way Alice would chuckle from low in her throat and grin.

It bothered her a little that the only reason she was doing this was because she didn't want Alice to leave yet. But she decided on just not thinking about it and having sex instead, which was infinitely preferable. She kissed Alice's neck and cupped one of Alice's breasts, running her thumb across Alice's nipple.

Alice shrugged and tossed the shirt back down onto the ground and pulled off her skirt.

And Gabby found herself waiting for Alice to grin at her, but she didn't. Gabby hated the fact she hoped it would happen more than she hated the fact that it didn't.

Alice turned and crawled to Gabby, claiming Gabby's lips in a hard kiss, one of her hands not-so gently cupping Gabby's breast feeling that she might as well. It was 11:30 on a Saturday night, and at the moment, she didn't have anything better to do.

She straddled Gabby's hips, slipped three fingers into Gabby's pussy and pumped her fingers into her, felt Gabby's fingers clench into her hair, felt Gabby moan into her mouth. Gabby's hips bucked off the bed as Alice continued to thrust her fingers into her. Gabby's nails dug into Alice's back, demanding release.

And then Alice's phone rang.

Alice paused and Gabby nearly screamed with frustration as she observed Alice tilt her head to the side, listening carefully to the ring tone which was a little faint, but one could still make it out if one tried.

"Ignore it," Gabby said with a mixture of extreme irritation and a little desperation.

She couldn't believe Alice was fucking her with gusto one moment and now Alice was listening to some lame ass ring tone on her fucking cell phone. Gabby Deveaux hated fucking ringtones, especially the lame ones of Fur Elise and any minuet composed by Handel.

Alice said nothing as she pulled away from Gabby and bounced off the bed in a motion that was oddly cute given the circumstance and Gabby's irritation.
.
Gabby watched in frustration as Alice practically ran to her purse to answer the phone.

"Hello?" Alice asked, because even though it was her default ringtone, which meant she didn't know who the caller was, she still had a feeling she should answer and she was glad she did when the caller identified herself. "Helena?" Alice asked in confusion. "Hey," Alice said softly, her voice sweet. "What's up?" What's going on, how come--" Alice listened to Helena speak for a moment. "What?" Alice asked sharply. "What do you mean she--" Alice paused. "Yeah, okay," Alice said quietly. "You okay?" Alice asked gently.

Gabby watched Alice nod slightly, her irritation mounting. "Alice!" she hissed.

Alice didn't acknowledge her, instead choosing to continue her conversation. "Okay, I'll be right there," Alice said. "Don't worry, sweetie. You sure you're okay?" Alice asked tenderly. "Okay, then," Alice said, obviously responding to whatever Helena said. "Just wait for me to get there, okay? Don't leave. Wait for me."

And then Alice hung up. She threw her phone back into her bag and turned around. She sauntered toward the bed to pick up her discarded clothing.

"You've got to be kidding me," Gabby snapped. "For fuck's sake, you're the one who showed up here tonight. I had plans!"

Alice pulled on her clothing. "I didn't tell you to cancel your plans," Alice said, "and you have vibrators," she added placidly. "So use one."

Those were the first words Alice spoke to her the entire night and Gabby found herself strangely turned on by that fact, despite the position Alice was leaving her in.

Alice braced herself with one hand against the bed as she put on her shoes. "See you, maybe," she said neutrally, her voice flat and a sharp contrast to the way she'd spoken to Helena.

Alice walked out of the bedroom without bothering to look at Gabby again.

"Alice!" Gabby shouted.

Alice didn't respond and Gabby heard the sound of her front door closing. She slammed her hand against the headboard, frustrated and then sighed heavily in profound irritation. Then she shrugged and reached into her drawer to pull out her vibrator, because what Alice said was true--she had vibrators, so she may we well use one.

And really, she could see the humor in the situation and a part of her was a little curious what the British woman said to get Alice out of her apartment in under two minutes.

But mostly she knew she would have her revenge and both she and Alice would enjoy every moment of it and that there was really no "maybe" regarding seeing Alice again. Gabby knew she would. They'd been fucking whenever it was convenient for them for the past six months, which was longer than any of their previous efforts at a relationship.

Not that what they had could be called a relationship. All they did was fuck--and that was it. They didn't even sleep together afterward. There were no attempts on Alice's part to meet Gabby for lunch or dinner and they certainly never ate breakfast together. If they did it at Alice's place, the journalist usually kicked Gabby out of her apartment after fifteen minutes. And if they were at Gabby's apartment, Alice was usually out the door in five.

It had been a little confusing at first, but then Gabby was relieved because the arrangement she had with Alice was low-key and completely free of the pressure she felt from all the other times she tried to have an actual relationship with Alice. But now that things were different, it meant she could have most of the benefits of a relationship with Alice--like the fact that Alice was a great kisser and an even better lay, without any of the downers like being expected to call or follow through with plans to meet up for something.

But there was no affection from Alice, either, which Gabby found herself missing and sort of hating herself a little bit because of it.

She'd always liked Alice--from the first time they met at a book reading in Royce Hall at UCLA, even if she had a truly shitty way of showing it. Even when she treated Alice like crap, she liked her. And maybe she should and could treat Alice a little better, but she was who she was and she was fine with that--Gabby Deveaux wasn't the kind of person who read self-help books and got excited when the newest Chicken Soup for the Whatever Soul book came out.

So she genuinely did hate the fact that she got exactly what she wanted from Alice-- great sex and a lack of attachment, and she found herself wanting more.

Most people wouldn't believe it, but Gabby Deveaux believed in God and that He or She had a foul sense of humor. She thought she and God would get along great-- they were both rulers of their respective universes and they were both amused by the behavior of human beings. But every once in a while, something happened to her that wasn't fucking funny and if it wasn't for the fact that Gabby Deveaux didn't do grudges because they were labor-intensive and time-consuming, she would let God know that He had a particularly viciously funny sense of humor when it came to Alice Pieszecki.

-------

Alice walked into the restaurant, searching anxiously for Helena and then saw her sitting at the bar, her legs swinging slightly because her feet did not quite touch the floor. Alice grinned at the sight, finding it completely adorable.

"Hey shorty," Alice said, coming up from behind Helena and pointing at Helena's swinging legs upon seeing the questioning expression on the British woman's face. She grinned kissed the other woman on the cheek. "You okay?" she asked softly, gently touching Helena's face.

Helena grinned sheepishly. "Yes."

"So your date got fresh with you, huh?" Alice said, smiling wryly, able to joke about it because she was relieved to see that Helena was all right.

Helena shrugged.

"You sure you're okay?" Alice asked gently, sitting down at the bar next to Helena. She began swinging her legs in tandem with Helena. "You sounded really upset when you called."

Helena nodded. "I'm fine, darling."

"I can't believe that bitch just left you here," Alice said, shaking her head. "I'm totally going to kick her ass." She scowled. "Did she hurt you?" Alice asked, looking at Helena intently and rubbing her hand up and down Helena's arm.

"I'm fine," Helena murmured. "I'm sorry I intruded on your date with Bryan."

Alice waved her hand dismissively. "He got called into surgery," she said with a shrug. "So he had to cancel. I was with Gabby when you called. So it was no big deal."

Helena's lips tightened slightly. "Ah," she said simply.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that," she said lightly. "I know you don't approve."

Helena shrugged. "You're an adult, darling," she said, disapproval evident in her tone. "I would never pass judgment on you and I think you should be able to consort with whomever you please. But…"

"You don't like Gabby, I know," Alice said with a smile. "I don't like her much anymore either."

Helena looked anxious. "Darling, don't you think that's--"

"It's fucked up," Alice said, "I know. I don't care. It's just sex with Gabby. It's mutually beneficial. I don't even have to talk to her. And Bryan knows about it and he's okay with it, so it doesn't hurt anyone."

Helena looked doubtful. "But what about you, darling?"

Alice laughed lightly and kissed Helena's cheek. "Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself."

"Darling--"

"I can't believe that girl," Alice said, stamping her foot against a leg of the bar stool. "I thought it was kind of weird she was insisting on picking you up and acting like that was so gallant."

Alice absently adjusted Helena's necklace which had become slightly askew.

"Darling. It's all right."

"It gave me bad fucking vibes. That's it, I have to meet the next person who asks you out before you go out with her and you can't let her pick you up, you have to meet her wherever you decide to go," Alice firmly. She caught the attention of the bartender. "Two Belvedere martinis," she ordered.

"I'm sorry for calling you and interrupting you," Helena apologized softly.

Alice rubbed her back. "So what were you going to do, huh? Just sit around here? Did you call the police?"

Helena shrugged. "I'll take care of it when I get home."

"Helena, what if she--"

"It doesn't matter, darling," Helena sighed.

"If we ever see her, I'm seriously going to kick her ass," Alice said. "I can't fucking believe she did that to you."

Helena shrugged.

"Helena, we need to get your purse back. It's a really nice purse."

"I will, darling, don't worry."

"Helena! You can't just let this woman get away with it. She tried to feel you up in the car before the valet came to park your car and when you didn't let her, she kicked you out of her car and drove away with your purse! We can't let someone treat you like that! I mean, it was like, five seconds into the date!" Alice turned to smile at the bartender who set down the two martinis. "Thanks," she said, paying and tipping him. She took a sip of her martini. "I thought it was weird when you called and I didn't recognize the ringtone," she commented. "Did you use the bar telephone?"

Helena nodded.

"After this martini, we need to find her and I really need to kick her ass."

"Darling, it's all right, truly."

Alice grabbed Helena's arm. "Helena! She has your purse and she knows where you live and she has your keys now. If she's psycho enough to do that to you, then what if she tries to…" Alice trailed off at the wide-eyed expression on Helena's face who clearly understood what Alice was trying to say. "Come on, fuck the martinis, let's go back to your place."

Helena stood and instinctively reached for her purse which wasn't there and gritted her teeth in frustration. She turned around, ready to leave with Alice when she caught sight of a woman entering the restaurant and sighed with relief.

"It seems my date has returned."

"The blonde?" Alice asked, narrowing her eyes at the woman who was making her way toward Helena with a sheepish expression. "In the knock-off Yves St. Laurent dress?"

"Yes," Helena said with a low chuckle.

"She's not good enough for you," Alice said, stomping away from Helena toward the blonde woman and snatching Helena's purse out of the woman's hand.

Helena stared at Alice for a moment, stunned into immobility when Alice stalked away from her. Sensing something regrettable was about to occur, Helena scampered to Alice as quickly as she could in six inch Prada heels. "Darling," Helena said, wrapping her arm around Alice's waist and trying to get her attention. "Please--"

"Darling?" Helena's date repeated. "You mean you have a girlfriend?" she asked shrilly. "You told me you were single!"

Alice glowered at the woman. "Don't you speak to her like that," she hissed harshly, stepping toward the woman who was at least six feet tall and towered over Alice who was wearing fairly low heels. She glared up at the woman who visibly drew back at the fierce expression on Alice's face. "Don't you fucking speak to her like that!"

"Darling," Helena said quietly. "Please, let's just let this go."

Alice head snapped toward Helena. "After the way she treated you?" she demanded.

"Darling, please," Helena pleaded. "We have my purse. And I'm fine. Please. Please just drive me home."

Alice's expression softened. "Okay," she said quietly. She turned back to Helena's date. "If I see you again, I'm going to hit you," she said, giving the woman a hard glare before taking Helena's hand and leading the brunette out of the restaurant to drive Helena home.

"Darling, thank-you for defending me, but please, you don't need to expose yourself to potential legal problems on my behalf. It was very sweet, but wholly unnecessary and--"

"Helena! Fuck! You can't just let someone treat you like that and get away with it! And when you get home, make sure there aren't any funny charges on your phone or credit cards. She looked like a fucking thief. I swear to God, Helena, I don't know where you find these people."

"I will, darling, I'm sorry for bothering you with this," Helena said softly, sensing Alice was still angry and feeling it was best to remain silent. She knew, of course, that Alice was angry for her and not at her, but Alice was nonetheless angry.

When she still dated Tina, Tina had told her Alice was one of the most dependable, even-tempered, kindest people she knew. But for as long as Helena had been friends with Alice, Alice had always been somewhat volatile and prone to lashing out at people in a manner Helena knew wasn't really who Alice was, because she'd seen the way Alice was before Dana had broken up with her, even if she hadn't been close to her back then. Helena didn't mind this, because she accepted Alice for who she was today, not for who she'd been, and enough had changed in Alice's life that Alice, too, would understandably change. But sometimes, Helena wished she could have known Alice a little better before Dana broke up with her because sometimes, at times like these, she wasn't sure if she should be worried about Alice or if she should just let it go because Alice had always been fiercely loyal and protective of the people she cared about. Despite the fact that they had become close friends, best friends really, and Helena genuinely believed she did know Alice, there were times when she felt like she simply did not know Alice enough and that maybe she should be trying to get Alice more help, no matter how much she protested that she was fine now.

Alice glanced at Helena and sighed. "Are you hungry?" Alice asked. "You didn't eat dinner and I didn't either. We could go get something."

"I would like that," Helena said quietly.

"We could go to one of those big chain restaurants," Alice said with a grin. "And this time, I won't tell them it's your birthday when it's really not."

Helena laughed. "It's my treat tonight, but you choose," she murmured.

"Okay," Alice said, making a left turn at the next light to drive to their favorite Ethiopian restaurant on Fairfax. They drove in silence until they reached the restaurant and Alice pulled into the parking lot. She turned off the ignition and touched Helena's shoulder as the brunette began to open the door to Alice's car. "I'm really sorry I scared you," Alice said quietly.

"Alice! You didn't scare me!" Helena denied.

Alice smiled sadly and stroked Helena's cheek. "Yeah, I did," she said softly. "I lost my temper. And I'm sorry. It's just that…" Alice swallowed hard, her eyes filling with tears. "I mean, people just shouldn't treat people like that," she said. "I don't want to scare you," Alice said earnestly, "you're all I have," she said, with a choked laugh. "It's just…she shouldn't have treated you like that and I don't get why you aren't madder about it, sweetie. People should…I mean…they're not supposed to play games and make you think they love you one day and then just totally leave you the next day, without explaining it, without even trying to talk to you about it and--"

Helena looked at Alice sympathetically. "I'm very sorry, darling," she said softly, hugging Alice fiercely as the journalist began to cry, softly at first, and then the sobs became harder, more broken. Helena knew seeing Dana the day before had taken its toll, but Alice insisted she was fine, that as long as she didn't hear from Dana, she wouldn't have to think about her, and as long as she didn't think about Dana, she was fine. But clearly Alice wasn't fine. Helena stroked Alice's hair. "Alice," Helena whispered, as Alice clung to her and cried. "Tell me what I can do," she whispered. "What can I do?" she asked helplessly.

"I don't know," Alice choked out. "You're already my best friend," Alice whispered. "You're not responsible for me or anything."

"That's where you're wrong, darling," Helena said with a smile, tapping her index finger against Alice's cheek. "I care for you," she murmured softly. "And you've been good to me, Alice. I am responsible for you."

"You're a good friend," Alice said softly, rubbing her face against Helena's shoulder. She pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "God, I ruined your dress, Helena. I'm sorry, I'll--"

"Darling, you know there's no need to concern yourself with such trivial things."

Alice breathed in shakily, trying to calm herself. "Sorry," Alice said weakly. "I was doing fine, really. But then Dana came and…" Alice's resolve began to falter. "I really miss her," Alice admitted. "And I still love her, and God, I really do want us to be friends again. I miss her so much," Alice whispered. "But I can't…I can't even look at her right now. It's too hard and I'm just, I'm still just so fucking angry with her. I mean, how could she break up with me, out of the blue, and then the next day be with Lara? I mean, how could she do that to me?" Alice sobbed.

"I don't know," Helena answered honestly, because she genuinely could not understand it and though she wanted to comfort Alice, she didn't want to be false about it either.

Alice wiped at her eyes. "God, you must think I'm so pathetic," Alice said with a self-deprecating, humorless laugh. "I mean, she broke up with me over a year ago, and I'm still not over her and here I am, still crying about her." Alice snorted. "At least I'm not totally fucking crazy again, right?" she asked derisively.

"I don't think you're pathetic," Helena said. She paused. "Last night, Winnie called me."

Alice pulled back. "What?" she demanded. "What did she say to you?" Alice asked. "Was she mean because if she was, I swear, I'll--"

"She was…very kind to me," Helena said with a sigh. "Like she used to be…and while I'm well aware that it was all false…I couldn't help myself--I asked her if we could get back together, give it another go," Helena confessed. "Perhaps I was nervous about this date tonight--with good reason, obviously," Helena joked weakly, feeling herself becoming teary as well. "But it's been two years since she left me--and I'm not over her either," she said softly. "I don't think you're pathetic at all and there were a great number of 'crazy' things I did after Winnie left." Helena reached for Alice's hand and gently squeezed her fingers. "I understand, darling."

Alice chuckled weakly. "Yeah, but your ex is such a bitch," she said. "Dana…" Alice sighed. "I'm angry with her, but I know her. And Dana, Dana is not a bitch." She sniffed and peered directly into Helena's eyes. "And if you go back to your crazy shrew of an ex, I'll kill you."

Helena chuckled. "I'll remember that darling, since I do quite enjoy being amongst the living."

"I think you'd make a hot vampire though," Alice joked with a smile. "Helena," Alice said, her expression serious. "The next time you even think about wanting to get back together with her, you call me," Alice said. "It doesn't matter what time, or if I'm on the air or any of that. You call me, okay?" Alice asked. Helena wasn't giving any details of Winnie's reaction to her request to get back together which mean that it was definitely soul-crushing and ego-bruising, which Winnie excelled at. "She's horrible to you."

"All right, darling," Helena said softly.

"Come on, let's go get some food," Alice said, pulling her hand away from Helena's to open the door.

Helena stopped her with a hand on Alice's arm. "Darling, why don't we just get some Thai takeaways and bring them back to my house?" she offered. "The children will be asleep by now and Lulu will be in her room, so we can have the kitchen or living room to ourselves. Or we can eat in my bedroom since you seem to so enjoy eating on my bed. We can watch some terrible late-night television you seem to enjoy so much or rent some DVDs?"

Alice nodded. "Okay," she said softly. "That…that would be really good."

"Why don't I drive, darling?" Helena asked, worried that Alice was far too upset to drive.

"Okay," Alice said quietly, willing relinquishing control.

The two women tried to trade seats in the tiny Mini Cooper without either of them actually getting out of the car.

Alice giggled. "My high school boyfriend tried to use this on me all the time when he was teaching me how to drive," she commented. She rubbed Helena's shoulder. "Except we were in his mother's old Volkswagen Gremlin. But you're a lot hotter than Danny was."

"I should hope so," Helena said. "This was Danny who always smelled like motor oil and had the jagged nails?"

"That would be him," Alice agreed. She grabbed Helena's hands. "You smell like Jean Patou's 'Joy,'" Alice said, sniffing the inside of Helena's wrist. "And your nails are always totally perfect."

Helena blushed and gently pulled her hand away from Alice. "Put on your seatbelt, darling," Helena said with a grin as she started the car.

Perhaps the evening had not gone quite as well as planned. But she felt spending an evening with Alice was better than going on a date with a woman she wasn't particularly interested in and Alice did look exceptionally lovely that evening. Despite the fact that the evening had been mostly lamentable, with her date picking her up late, then ditching her and then spending another two hours debating on whether or not to call Alice or to find some cab company, the night was definitely picking up. And it could only get better.

------>