Breaking up sucked as it is, but breaking up with someone around the December holidays sucked even more, even if that break-up was mutual and a long-time coming. Dana stared gloomily out the window. Christmas was in ten days and the weather was appropriately chilly, which Dana would have normally loved, but this year she found herself irked by the cold weather as if it were cold on purpose just to spite her. She was glad that she and Lara had broken up, and their break-up was amicable, but it still didn't make it pleasant. And of course, Lara already moved onto some other woman who bore a disconcerting resemblance to Alice--if Alice were suddenly six feet tall and blue-eyed. Not that Dana thought she had any reason to complain, after all, she'd moved on herself--Heather was a fun woman to be around, but Dana predicted their relationship would strictly be for fun only--nothing deeper.

Her attempts to gain more experience only made Dana believe more strongly Alice was truly the one for her--feelings for other people just weren't developing, and though she could acknowledge that sometimes it took a while for feelings to develop, Dana had to admit her mission to gain more experience seemed to be a failed experiment. Though she did believe she did the right thing--she needed the experience to be sure, after all. Not that she was really sure yet. But all dating someone else ever did was make her miss Alice a little more--though Dana still did not believe it was right to settle into a long-term relationship with Alice when she had so little experience with anyone else.

Still Dana could not deny how deeply she missed Alice.

Dana glanced out the window, hoping to see Alice, but there was no sign of the blonde yet who was running uncharacteristically late. Dismayed, she walked back to her sofa and sat down, hoping Alice would arrive soon. At the moment she just hoped Alice would come soon--at another time, the thought that Alice wouldn't arrive when she said she would was a ridiculous supposition, but their relationship had changed and nowadays, Dana wasn't sure. She felt she didn't know her the blonde anymore. Still, she couldn't imagine Alice would simply not show up when she promised to. Dana glanced at the clock and saw Alice was running fifteen minutes late. 'That's not so late,' Dana thought, though Alice was rarely late because she valued other people's time too much to be late. .

Twenty minutes later, when she'd given up hope, resigned that this was the way it was going to be from now on, there was a knock on the door. Dana leaped up to find Alice standing on her doorstep. Dana frowned slightly when she saw the coat Alice was wearing--it did not look like one Alice owned, and she didn't recognize it at all. But her happiness at just the mere sight of Alice took over. "Hi," Dana said softly, "come in. I'm so happy you're here"

Alice stepped inside, "hey. Sorry I'm late," she said. She rolled her eyes. "I got fucking blocked in at this building where I was researching a story and I spent like, thirty minutes trying to find the owner before I called the tow truck and I lost track of time, or else I would have called." Alice smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Dane," she said. Alice touched Dana's arm out of long-standing habit and rubbed it. "Forgive me?" she asked, peering into Dana's eyes.

Dana grinned. "Of course," she said, happy that Alice was touching her when the blonde touched her so rarely now. It was a way Alice showed her affection and Dana was relieved that she was on the receiving end of it. "New coat?" Dana asked casually.

Alice shook her head. "It's Helena's. We were having lunch today and I spilled fucking tea all over my jacket so Helena gave me hers," Alice said. "I told her it was fucking freezing, but I guess she keeps a spare jacket in her trunk." Alice looked thoughtful. "I should start doing that, too," she said, half-thinking to herself.

Dana grimaced slightly at the mention of Helena. She heard what happened between Helena and Gabby Deveaux the week before at The Planet, and she had to admit she had some grudging respect for the British woman-- but that didn't mean she wanted to hear about her either. She didn't understand this friendship between Helena and Alice and in moments when it became too difficult to blame herself for not being able to understand Alice anymore, Dana blamed Helena for changing her friend, though in her better moments, Dana could admit Alice had not changed much at all. "Do you want something to drink?" Dana asked.

Alice shook her head. She didn't think she would be there for a long time. "Nah. So what's up?" she asked, flopping into a chair and looking up at Dana expectantly.

Dana swallowed hard and kneeled in front of Alice, wincing at the confused and wary look Alice got on her face and the way Alice pulled back a little. "Al," she said softly, "I've really missed you," she said, hesitantly reaching out to touch Alice's cheek.

Alice looked cautious. She pulled away from Dana and seemed to shrink within herself. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, her voice a low whisper.

Dana took Alice's hands in hers, wincing when she felt them trembling. "Al, I've missed you so much," she confessed. "Can't we…can't we get back together while I figure things out? It doesn't feel right to be without you."

"What're you asking me?" Alice whispered.

Dana bit her lip and then took a deep breath. "Can we date again?" she asked.

"While you see other people," Alice said dully.

"Al--"

"You know I'm not like that."

Dana sucked in a shaky breath. "I know," she said quietly. "But it's been so hard being without you. I really do think you're the one for me, Al. It's just that--"

"I know, you need more experience," Alice cut off bitingly. She didn't need to keep fucking hearing it again and again.

"Yes," Dana agreed, flinching.

"So what happens when you realize that I'm not the one for you? That someone else is. You kick me to the curb again?"

Dana cringed, as though she were slapped. "Al--"

"You want to date me, and you want to date other people."

"Al--" Dana tried to say something, but she realized Alice was right. She was asking too much. She rubbed her face. She didn't know what the hell she was doing anymore.

Alice squeezed her eyes shut. She resented Dana for asking this of her, and yet, she did understand Dana's need for more experience and she was gratified to know Dana missed her, that Alice was not alone in that. Alice missed Dana desperately and if Dana missed Alice even a quarter of as much as Alice missed Dana, maybe the relationship actually meant something to Dana. For months now Alice believed it was obvious she made more of the relationship than it actually was, or else why would Dana have left her so easily? But this showed that maybe Dana's feelings for her ran deeper than Alice thought. Alice sighed heavily. She didn't want to agree to this, she wanted to just get up and walk away and pretend the option was never presented to her, because she couldn't bear it. She couldn't take the idea of Dana dating her at the same time she dated someone else. It just felt wrong, and Alice wanted no part of it. But she was so very tired of fucking people she didn't love just so she could get over Dana. She was tired of missing Dana. She didn't want to agree to this, but somehow, her mouth formed the words independently of her brain. "Okay," Alice finally whispered.

Dana's eyes widened with shock and joy. "Al? Really?"

Alice nodded slightly. "Yeah," she said dully. "Let's just do it."

She used to think it was better to have nothing at all than not enough, but the 'nothing' option hurt too much, and maybe if she had just a little, it wouldn't hurt as much as it did now. Maybe it wasn't better to have nothing at all than not enough, but Alice thought it was worth giving it a try to find out. Alice thought Dana was always worth it. If her heart got busted again--well, she was sort of used to it, so maybe it wouldn't hurt as badly this time. Maybe. That was Alice's hope, but realistically she knew it couldn't end well for someone, and it probably wouldn't end well for her.

"Are you sure?" Dana asked quietly.

"Yeah," Alice said wearily. She didn't want to do it, of course, but she missed Dana too much not to--she still believed Dana was the one she was meant to be with and all her dating attempts to forget that didn't work. Maybe this was the only way.

Dana hesitantly wrapped her arms around Alice in a hug. "Thank-you," she said quietly. "Thank-you so much," she murmured again and again, so relieved that Alice said yes.

Alice remained silent. She held onto Dana, resting her chin on the tennis player's shoulder as Dana clung to the reporter. She stared at the wall, her eyes brimming with tears. "It'll be okay," Alice whispered softly, stroking Dana's hair.

"I've missed you so much," Dana whispered, becoming teary-eyed.

"I missed you, too," Alice said, her voice breaking a little.

Dana petted Alice's hair. "I love you," Dana said quietly.

"I love you, too" Alice said softly, because it was true. She wiped at her eyes and then broke the hug. "Okay," she said softly. "I should go because I need to uhm, make phone calls and all. So…" Alice shrugged. She moved toward the door. "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Do you want to come over tonight?" Dana asked hopefully.

Alice shook her head, wincing when Dana's face fell. "I have this big story I need to work on."

"You can work on it here," Dana offered tentatively.

"I kind of need all my files and all that," Alice said, "so uh, it's better I stay at my place."

"Do you want me to come over?" Dana asked. "I could help," Dana said earnestly. "I could make you dinner--" Dana trailed off. "Well, I could get take-out and make you tea or coffee or something," Dana said eagerly. She wanted to spend time with Alice, the way they used to.

"It's okay," Alice said. "I have a lot of work to do."

"Oh," Dana said disappointed.

"But let's have dinner tomorrow," Alice said, feeling guilty about the disappointed expression on Dana's face. "I'll call you tonight, okay?" Alice said, stepping toward Dana to kiss the tennis player on the cheek.

Dana reached up to place her hands on Alice's cheeks.

Alice sighed softly and closed her eyes briefly and then opened them to gaze into Dana's eyes.

Dana looked lovingly at her, her lips curling into a happy, affectionate smile. "Al?"

"Yeah?"

"You look really good," Dana said sincerely, her thumb grazing across Alice's lower lip.

"You do, too," Alice whispered.

"Al?" Dana murmured.

"Yeah?"

Dana said nothing, instead she moved her face closer to Alice's and pressed her lips against the blonde's, gently trailing her tongue across Alice's lower lip. Alice's mouth parted and Dana's tongue slipped inside, each woman sighing softly into the kiss. Dana's fingers curled into Alice's hair as the kiss deepened.

Finally, Alice pulled away from the kiss with a soft gasp, looking slightly dazed. She cleared her throat, swallowing hard. "I should go," Alice said softly, pointing toward the door. She hugged Dana. "I promise, I'll call you later" she said quietly.

"Okay," Dana said softly, not wanting to let Alice go quite yet.

"I love you," they said at the same time.

They grinned at one another.

"Jinx," they said together in unison, sharing a smile at their old tradition.

"Double jinx!" Dana said one beat before Alice. Dana's eyes widened. "I won!"

Alice rolled her eyes. "For the second time ever, Fairbanks," she said with mock haughtiness. The atmosphere between them had just been too heavy--it was suffocating her. She had to do something to relieve the tension.

"I won," Dana crowed softly grasping the sides of Alice's face and then nuzzling her nose against the blonde's.

Alice smiled amiably. "Since I owe you dinner, why don't we have dinner tonight?" she offered.

Dana's eyes lit up. "Okay," she agreed. "Where?"

"McDonalds?"

Dana laughed and slapped Alice's arm. "Alice!" Dana exclaimed, happy their relationship seemed to be taking on its former ease and happiness. She hated that things were so awkward between them, and this felt so familiar and so good.

Alice looked innocently at her. "What?"

Dana chuckled. "McDonalds it is," she said with a happy grin. She would be happy going anywhere with Alice at this point.

Alice laughed. "Let's go to Birds," Alice suggested.

"Birds?"

"It's this place in Hollywood that Helena and I found a couple weeks ago. Obviously they serve…well, chicken, mostly. But it's good. I think you'd like it."

"Mmm….I'm kind of in the mood for Italian," Dana said, not wanting to go to a restaurant Alice went to with Helena. Dana was undeniably jealous of the dark-haired British woman.

"Yeah? There's this place in Los Feliz I like. I think we went there together once."

"Yeah?" Dana asked. She frowned, trying to remember it. "The one with the really good, cheap house wine?"

Alice grinned. "That's the one."

"That sounds good," Dana grinned. A restaurant she and Alice went to! Excellent.

"Helena and I went there last week and it was really good," Alice mused as she walked toward the door, missing the way Dana glowered and rolled her eyes in exasperation.

Alice opened the door and turned to grin at Dana. "So I'll pick you up around 6:30, okay?

Dana nodded eagerly. "Okay!"

Alice kissed Dana on the corner of her mouth. "See you later, Dane."

Dana stepped out with Alice. "I'll walk you to your car," she offered.

Alice shook her head. "It's okay," she said. "It's cold." Alice looked up at the sky. "It's going to rain," she mused. She smiled at Dana. "Stay inside," she said softly, before she turned and walked to her car.

Dana watched her leave from her doorway, waving when Alice paused to look at her before she got into her car. Dana smiled when Alice waved back.

Alice eased into her car and took a deep breath. "Fucking Alice, what the fuck are you doing?" she muttered out loud. There was a definite possibility she was getting in over her head. But she wanted Dana back, and though she was sure there would be moments when she would want to eat her own liver, she thought she could handle Dana dating another woman. If this was all she could get from Dana, it would just have to be enough. After all, she'd missed Dana terribly over the past few months, if she could just diminish that, Alice felt she would be so much happier. She would definitely just have to take what she could get. She'd always taken what she could get, and she saw no reason why that would change now.

-----

"So you won't believe what happened to me today," Alice said, as she lay on her bed for her nightly phone call with Helena. She rolled onto her side and faced the left side of the bed which Helena typically occupied when she slept over.

"Did you see a UFO?" Helena asked.

Alice laughed. "No," she said, touching the pillow on the left side of the bed. She could almost imagine Helena lying next to her, giving her that half-smirk, half smile.

"Did someone promise you that you will collect Social Security?" Helena joked.

Alice laughed. "No! Helena!" she exclaimed, giggling. "Silly."

Helena laughed. "Well, those are the only two things that you would tell me that I wouldn't believe," Helena said, grinning as she settled under the covers.

Alice chuckled. "Dana and I got back together."

Oh.

The smile on Helena's face dropped. "I see," she said quietly, wondering when the hell that could have happened. She had lunch with Alice at a wonderful Japanese restaurant inexplicably in Arleta, where Alice was researching a story and she couldn't fathom when Alice and Dana managed to get together in the ten hours since she'd last seen Alice. This revelation was wholly unexpected and Helena found herself wishing Alice had seen a UFO. Helena stared dejectedly at the photo of herself and Alice she had framed on her dresser, the ones that were taken in the photo booth. It was too late. She waited too long and now Alice was back with Dana. 'Fuck,' Helena thought. Helena's eyes blurred with tears as she waited for Alice to furnish more details.

"It just kind of happened," Alice said with a sigh. "After we left the restaurant, I had to go to the Hopkins building, you know? And Dana called while I was driving there and asked me to come over, so I said I would drop in on my way back to the office. I ended up being super late and well, when I got there, she asked me if we could get back together."

"I see," Helena said, fighting her voice from breaking down. Alice sounded undeniably happy, but there was something else there as well, something that concerned Helena. "You don't sound all together happy," she commented holding onto her throat.

Alice sighed. "We're not back together, back together," Alice said softly. "She still wants to see other people."

Helena scowled at that. She couldn't believe the tennis player still wanted to see other people and see Alice. Alice wasn't like that! "But you aren't like that," she said in hushed tones.

"I know," Alice acknowledged quietly. "But it's been too hard without her, and I used to think it was better to have nothing at all than not enough, but I think I've changed my mind."

"Oh," Helena said softly. She thought Alice was right the first time. She'd always felt the same way. It was better to have nothing at all than not enough.

"Helena?" Alice asked. "Are you okay? You sound kind of funny," she said, concerned. "Did something happen? I'll come over--"

"No," Helena said quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

"Oh," Alice said quietly. "I'm sorry. I'll let you get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow. Sorry for--"

"It's okay," Helena said. "Tell me what else happened with Dana."

Alice sighed. "Well, she's going to keep on seeing other people," she said sounding very weary. "She's dating some chick named Heather who works at the Club. And she's going to see me."

"What about you?" Helena asked gently.

Alice sighed again. "It doesn't matter, I guess. I'm sort of over dating other people. It didn't really work out for me. So I'll just date her, give her space if she needs it. I'm going to just play it by ear," Alice said.

"You don't sound very happy at the prospect," Helena remarked softly.

"It doesn't matter," Alice said again. "I know she's the one for me," Alice confessed.

Helena was grateful they were talking on the phone because there was no way she could have masked her wince at that. She felt so foolish now, for harboring all those feelings for Alice all this time when Alice never got over Dana. Of course Alice never got over Dana. Of course.

"I've known that for a long time, and it's been really hard without her these past few months. If this is what I can get--"

"You'll take it," Helena said softly, knowing that feeling exactly.

"Yeah."

"Be careful," Helena whispered.

Alice smiled. "I will." She paused. "Helena. Honey?" Alice asked softly, concerned. "Are you sure you're okay? You sound a little off. You're really okay?" she asked, thinking that Helena sounded like she was more than tired. "Did something happen with Winnie? Alice asked, becoming angry at the prospect that Winnie upset her friend.

"I'm fine," Helena said quietly.

Alice bit her lip. "Do you want me to come over?" she asked.

"No," Helena said softly. "I'm fine. What else happened today with Dana?" she asked.

"We had Italian, we talked and then I dropped her off."

Helena cringed a little. "Where did you go?" she asked.

"Palermo's. You know, we went there last week, right by Fred 62, remember?"

"Oh," Helena breathed, relieved that they did not go to Pomodoro, which Helena considered to be her restaurant with Alice. "Was the food good?"

"Sure," Alice said. "We should go again sometime. Are you sure you're okay, Helena?"

"Yes," Helena responded softly. "I'm just tired."

"You're sure you don't want me to come over?"

"It's fine," Helena said. "It's raining rather hard, so it will be dangerous anyway. I'm going to bed. You should get some rest, too. You've been up since five this morning, after all."

"Okay," Alice said a little uncertainly. "You're really okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then. Sleep well. Do you want me to give you another wake-up call?" Alice asked, knowing that Helena's alarm clock broke the day before. Though Helena was conditioned to wake up at 6am, the dark-haired woman asked Alice to give her a wake-up call that morning in case she slept through her cell phone alarm clock since Alice was going to be up any way.

"No, it's okay," Helena said quietly.

"Okay, then," Alice said, biting her lip. "You're really okay?"

"Yes. I'll talk to you later, Alice. Good night."

"Good night," Alice echoed, feeling discomfited even after she hung up. 'That's weird,' Alice thought, a little distressed. She stared at the phone, wondering if she should call Helena back and demand the British woman talk to her, because Helena did not sound fine. Alice stared at the clock, pondering her options. It was kind of late, and it was almost midnight. Helena only got six hours of sleep each night, and Alice didn't want to take away from that. She was constantly teasing Helena that young people like her needed their sleep. Alice sighed and gazed at the picture she had on her dresser of she and Helena at the Orcutt Ranch Horticultural Center, a bamboo grove with a 700 year old live oak trees and rose gardens where they'd played hooky from work the day before Thanksgiving and had a picnic lunch. Alice smiled at the memory, and grinned at the picture of Helena where she was laughing so hard, she was almost doubled over, backwards. Alice looked at her phone again, still distressed. Something had definitely been a little off about her friend tonight. She picked up her phone to call Helena again, and then put it down, laughing a little at the thought of being anxious to call her friend--she never experienced that kind of anxiety before. Sighing, she decided she would just talk to Helena tomorrow and she set the phone down on her nightstand, within arm's reach in case Helena chose to call again. Then Alice turned off the light and tried to fall asleep.

-----

The next evening, Alice stared anxiously out of Dana's bedroom window as she watched the rain fall down rather hard.

"Whatcha looking at?" Dana asked casually, coming up behind Alice and wrapping her arms around Alice's waist and kissing her cheek. She rested her chin on Alice's shoulder. "Are you watching the rain? Can I watch with you?"

Alice turned her head slightly and gave Dana a small smile. "It's really coming down hard," Alice said worriedly.

"Yeah," Dana agreed softly, not understanding where Alice's agitation was coming from. Alice loved the rain, and she loved it when it rained hard.

Alice glanced down at her phone in her hand. "She hasn't called." Alice said quietly, "and she's not answering her phone," Alice said, nervously.

Dana frowned, "who?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. .

Alice looked out the window, pressing closer to Dana when a particularly violent gust of wind rattled the window frame. Dana held on tighter to Alice, smiling a little as she stroked Alice's hair. "Helena," Alice said softly. She looked out the window. "It's really coming down hard," she commented again. "And she gets off work kind of late on Thursdays and it's been raining really hard for a few hours now," Alice said, a little distressed. "I hope she didn't get caught up in that downpour a couple hours ago," Alice fretted. "God, it rained like we were on Noah's ark," Alice said. She was fearing the worst with the rain, Helena's schedule and the missed phone call.

"I'm sure she's fine," Dana murmured, "let's just go to bed," she said, smoothing Alice's hair.

Alice shook her head. "We talk every day," Alice said, looking worried. She bit her lip. It was Helena's turn to call, and she hadn't called. Alice waited for an hour and then tried calling Helena, but there was no answer. "I should go over," Alice said, pulling away from Dana to walk over to the closet. "Something's wrong," she said, rubbing her stomach trying to release that feeling of unease that settled into the pit of her stomach. She didn't know what she would do if she went to Helena's and found the British woman wasn't there. She just had to be, and then Alice would demand an explanation for blowing off the phone call.

Dana's arm dropped to the side. "Alice, no," she protested. "It's really coming down hard. Don't go out if you don't have to."

Alice smiled at her. "I have to," she said softly. "Something's wrong. I'm worried. What if something's happened to her? We've never missed a call." She changed into a pair of jeans and pulled on a sweater and put on Helena's coat, thinking she would at least have an opportunity to return it. "I should check on her, make sure everything's okay."

"But Al, it's really raining hard," Dana protested worried at the thought of Alice driving around at this time of night when the roads were so slick.

Alice grinned. "I can handle it," she said. She walked over and embraced Dana. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, touching Dana's cheek. "I know it was our first night together again…I'm sorry. But I'll be back really soon. I just want to make sure she's okay, all right?" she asked.

"I'll go with you," Dana said, tugging on Alice's hand.

Alice chuckled. "You're sweet," she murmured, ruffling Dana's hair affectionately. "But stay here. You shouldn't run around, you don't want to get sick and miss any training days. I'll be back soon, okay?" she said, kissing Dana on the cheek.

"Okay," Dana agreed reluctantly, watching as Alice picked up her keys, put on a knit cap and walked out. "Damn," she cursed softly as she heard the soft snick of the front door closing.

Alice cursed as she drove to Helena's house as she tried to see the road through all the rain. She made a mental note to change her windshield wipers, which sucked. "Damn it, Helena, where the fuck are you?" she wondered out loud as she tried to give Helena another call and it went straight to voicemail. She pulled up to the curb and parked in front of Helena's house and saw there were lights on, which meant someone was obviously home, but it didn't meant Helena necessarily was. She contemplated her options for a moment--if she rang the doorbell, she would risk waking Jun Ying and Wilson which Alice loathed to do, especially since it was rather late on a school night, but this was more important. She just wanted to make sure Helena was okay. Alice rang the door bell and waited. After a moment, the door opened.

"Hey Lulu," Alice said.

Lulu smiled. "Alice," she greeted. "Is something wrong?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

Alice shook her head. "No, I just…is Helena here?" she asked.

Lulu nodded. "Yeah, of course," she said.

Alice sighed, relieved. She was glad Helena was safe, so that knot of fear in the pit of her stomach disappeared, but now she was just perplexed.

"She came home earlier today than usual," Lulu said. Lulu glanced behind Alice and saw how heavy the rain was falling. "Come inside." Lulu said, opening the door wider and taking Alice gently by the arm to pull her inside. "She's in her bedroom, but I think she's sick. She came home early today and then just went to bed."

Alice blinked. "She didn't eat dinner?"

Lulu shook her head. "I had Sandra make her some chicken soup, but she didn't eat any of it."

"I'm going to go see her, okay?" Alice asked, concerned.

"Sure," Lulu said, "you know the way."

"Hey," Alice said, grabbing Lulu's arm.

"Yeah?"

"How'd you do on your finals?" Alice asked smiling.

Lulu smiled. "I did well," she answered. "Helena proofread my French paper, so I think I did really kick ass on it."

Alice grinned. "Well, if Helena helped you…"

"I know, right?" Lulu said with a laugh. "I so kicked ass. And thanks for the hook-up you gave with me with the Councilman's aide--it really helped me with my paper."

"Sure," Alice said with an easy smile. "Any time."

"Anyway, yeah, go in and see her and tell her to come see me if she needs anything."

Alice smiled. "Will do. You going home for the holidays?" she asked, since she knew Lulu was originally from Minnesota.

Lulu nodded. "Yeah, I leave soon."

"Cool," Alice said. "If I don't see you before then, have fun, okay?"

"Okay," Lulu said, waving as she walked back to her room. "You, too."

Alice walked to Helena's bedroom and saw the light was on. She knocked softly and heard Helena say to come in. Alice opened the door and walked inside and saw Helena sitting in bed with her back against the headboard, reading through some papers.
"Hey!" Alice said, "what happened? Why didn't you call or pick up?" Alice asked, relieved to see Helena was okay, though she already knew that from Lulu. But it was just a visual confirmation, which she needed.

Helena sat up straighter. "Alice! I'm…I'm sorry," she apologized. She wasn't expecting this.

"What happened?" Alice said, walking over and sitting on the bed next to Helena. "Lulu said you weren't feeling well," Alice said, touching the back of her hand to Helena's forehead. "And you sounded weird last night. Are you getting sick?" Alice asked. Helena's forehead didn't feel hot. She placed her hand against each of Helena's cheeks, checking the temperature. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Helena said, pulling away from the gentle touch. "I'm just…very tired."

"Why didn't you call?" Alice asked softly.

Helena averted her gaze. "I fell asleep," she muttered, lying.

Alice frowned slightly. Something about that didn't ring true, but since Helena had never lied to her, Alice couldn't be sure. "But why didn't you pick up?"

"I fell asleep," Helena muttered, still averting Alice's eye contact.

"But--" Alice started to protest and then decided against it. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Helena responded.

Alice bit her lip. Something was definitely different--everything between them since they became close had always been easy; natural. This felt…uncomfortable. "Well, uh…what are you reading?" Alice asked, peeking a look at the stack of papers in Helena's hands and on her bed.

"Grants." These were the final fifty choices, from which she ultimately had to choose twenty. She normally liked this part of the job, though she loathed rejecting the last thirty of perfectly qualified candidates, but she had to make the grant announcements tomorrow.

"You work too hard," Alice said softly.

Helena shrugged.

Alice frowned again and pulled away the grant Helena was staring at without actually seeing. She put it aside and took Helena's hands. "What's going on?"

Helena looked at her. "Hm?"

"What's going on?" Alice asked frustrated. "Did something happen?"

"No."

"Are you mad at me?" Alice asked, distressed. "Did I do something wrong?" Alice couldn't fathom what she could have done, but Helena's behavior was so uncharacteristic of her. She didn't understand this side of Helena, this cool, distant side.

"No," Helena repeated. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired," she said. She flopped onto her back and curled into a fetal position, turning away from Alice.

"Talk to me," Alice pleaded, lying next to Helena and draping her arm over Helena's side and gently rubbed Helena's stomach.

Helena's eyes brimmed with tears and buried her face into her pillow, but she remained silent. In her mind, it was much easier to have nothing at all than not enough and she just needed some time to really cope with the fact that her long-held hope that she could tell Alice about her feelings for the blonde were pretty much shattered. Alice was still in love with Dana and now that the tennis player wanted her back, Helena knew she had no chance with Alice. Alice was loyal to a fault, and her heart wasn't capable of changing from one thing to the next. It was one of the things Helena loved about Alice, and she knew Alice was her best friend--that would have to be enough. But at the moment, it was all too much. She needed her space. And as much as it hurt, she needed some time away from Alice. Maybe she needed time permanently away from Alice, though that prospect hurt too much to even contemplate at the moment.

"Helena?" Alice asked softly, gently rubbing Helena's back. "I know you're upset," she said, gently massaging Helena's tense shoulders. "Will you please talk to me? Please?"

Helena rubbed her face against the pillow, wiping away the tears that were beginning to leak out and laughed hollowly and sat up, her back still facing Alice. "I'm fine," she said softly, forcing a tiny laugh. "When am I ever not fine? I'm merely tired." She stared out of her balcony window. "Do you want to stay in the guest room?" she asked, watching the rain fall. "It's raining hard."

Alice's face fell. They always slept in the same bed when one of them slept over. She had no idea what was going on. "Helena? What's going on?" she asked helplessly. "Are you mad at me?"

Helena shook her head. "No. Do you want to stay the night?"

Alice sighed. "I should actually go," she said softly, thinking of Dana, though she did want to stay and talk to her friend. Helena, however, seemed keen on her leaving. "Call me tomorrow?" she asked hopefully, sitting up in bed and gazing down at Helena intently.

"I'll talk to you later," Helena said. She turned to Alice and gave the blonde a stilted smile and then she touched Alice's cheek. "Drive safely," she murmured, sincerely.

"Helena--" It didn't feel right, she didn't want to leave like this, not when Helena was so clearly upset about something. And it worried her, this behavior, but she just couldn't seem to do anything about it. Helena was shutting her out and that hurt.

"I'm just tired," Helena said, trying to sound reassuring, but falling a little flat.

"Okay," Alice said quietly. "I'll…I'll call you tomorrow," she said, not liking to leave it like this. And not liking the way Helena said "I'll talk to you later" rather than "I'll talk to you tomorrow" as was their usual tradition. Alice remembered Helena had said the same thing yesterday as well, and felt her anxiety level rise. She didn't really want to leave like this, but Helena was just staring at her, without saying anything and acting as though she wanted Alice out of her house as soon as possible. "I have your coat, by the way," Alice said, taking it off and holding it up.

Helena shrugged. "You can just throw it on the bed."

"Okay," Alice said quietly, gently setting the coat at the foot of the bed. She gazed at Helena for a moment who merely gazed back. Alice suppressed a sigh. "Good night," Alice said finally. "Sleep well." She glanced at Helena's nightstand and saw Helena had not yet replaced her alarm clock. "Do you want a wake up call?" Alice offered.

Helena shook her head. "I'll be fine."

"Okay, then…" Alice said, trailing off awkwardly. She touched Helena's arm. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, then."

"Bye, Alice," Helena said, sounding distant and sad. She reached for the grant she was reading before Alice arrived.

Alice stared at her for a moment. "Bye, Helena," she whispered, trudging out of the room.

Alice drove home, cursing her windshield wipers for ten minutes before she realized it wasn't that her windshield wipers were that bad--though they were bad--she was crying fairly hard. Alice wiped at her eyes before she exited her car and sprinted up to Dana's door so she could get out of the rain as soon as possible. She opened the door with the key she borrowed from Dana and sighed heavily, walking with heavy steps through the hallway as checked the bedroom. The lights were on, but Dana had fallen asleep. Alice smiled slightly at that and then walked into the bathroom to shower. Once she was finished getting ready for bed, Alice crawled into bed beside Dana and turned off the light and stared up at the ceiling through the darkness.

She lay there in the dark, unable to sleep for an hour before she finally sighed. It was too hard sleeping next to Dana like this. She sighed and got out of bed and walked slowly into the living room, dragging her feet, utterly depressed that she couldn't fall asleep next to Dana and even more depressed over what happened with Helena. This was turning out to be one of the worst nights ever. She flopped onto the bed and set her cell phone alarm so that she could wake up before Dana. The blonde planned to slip back into bed before Dana woke up--it would hurt the tennis player too much if Alice slept on the couch on their first night spent together again. But Alice found that it was just too difficult to do it. The comfort that was always between them was gone, and maybe it would take a while to get back--Alice could fathom that. But at the moment, she was just too uncomfortable and hurt to sleep with Dana in the same bed.

-----

Several days later, Bette, Tina, Shane, Carmen, Jenny, Dana and Alice sat in the reporter's apartment, celebrating Dana and Alice's quasi-reunion and the fact that it was the eve of Christmas Eve. Alice stared sullenly at the wall clock, noting the time and noting her phone wasn't ringing. Helena missed yet another call, just as she had for the last few nights and Alice had no idea what was going on.

A cell phone went off and Alice's heart beat a little faster, reaching for her phone before she realized it was Bette's phone, not hers. Alice sighed. 'Fuck,' she thought.

Bette picked up her phone. "Hello?" Bette paused. "Hello James!" she exclaimed.

Alice rolled her eyes, suppressing a smirk. Helena called James "Bette's Bitch Boy" and Alice agreed fully with that particular assessment. Though he wasn't Bette's Bitchy Boy anymore, so Alice had no idea why he would be calling Bette. She did feel a little sorry for James though--she had more than her fair share of shitty jobs and shitty jobs with horrible bosses and she knew Bette wasn't an easy person to work for, especially since she'd made James work on personal projects for Bette like finding Tina an apartment during work hours. Alice didn't quite understand why Bette would have made James do that--shouldn't she have searched for a suitable apartment for Tina herself, rather than making someone else do it? And why her assistant who was supposed to help her with professional endeavors, not personal ones? All Alice knew was that she was very glad she was not someone's assistant and even more glad she did not work for someone like Bette. Marc, her editor, could be an ass, but he wasn't someone who made too many unreasonable demands.

Bette's eyes lit up. "Really?" Bette said with a delighted chuckle. "At the LACMA? Excellent. Thank-you, James, just e-mail me all the details." Bette paused and smiled. "No, don't apologize for calling late, it's the weekend," she said lightly. She grinned. "Well, neither of us would be in this position if it weren't for Peggy Peabody's cunt daughter."

Alice's head snapped up. "What did you just say?" she demanded sharply.

Bette paused and glanced at Alice in annoyance. "So just email me the details so I can look at them tomorrow morning, all right, James?" Bette asked. "Great, thanks. Bye." She looked at Alice. "What?" she snapped.

"What the hell did you just call Helena?" Alice demanded.

Bette and Tina exchanged a glance, Tina silently pleading with Bette to just apologize, but Bette looked defiant. "I called her a cunt," Bette said stubbornly.

The others looked from Bette to Alice, as if they were watching a tennis match.

"Get. Out." Alice said lowly.

Bette looked confused. "What?!" she demanded.

"Get out." Alice repeated.

"Excuse me?" Bette said, her voice dropping dangerously low.

"Get out," Alice repeated through clenched teeth. "You don't talk about her that way in my house, so get out," Alice said.

Bette rolled her eyes. "I don't understand this so-called 'friendship,' you have with Helena," she said. "I thought you were smarter than that," Bette said.

Alice bristled. "She's my best friend," Alice said lowly. "You can call her that in your own house, but not in mine, and not around me," Alice said warningly.

"I don't understand this," Bette said, amazed. "She's just using you to get to us!"

Alice laughed bitterly. "I don't know if you realize this, but the world doesn't revolve around you. Helena doesn't give a shit about you. The only reason why she would give a shit about you is for me, not the other way around," Alice said, giving her friend a steely glare, knowing the only reason why she was lashing out at her friend so harshly was because she was perplexed and hurt by Helena's recent behavior. She didn't understand the coolness, the distantness and it made her afraid. A part of her was afraid that maybe she was just no longer interesting to Helena or maybe Helena had been using her all along, but Alice knew that wasn't like Helena at all. So since those options weren't viable possibilities, she couldn't even begin to understand what was going on, and it distressed her. There was no way she was going to let Bette call Helena a cunt and get away with it. It infuriated her that Bette would know about their friendship and still call Helena names.

"Oh, please," Bette said dismissively. "You just don't know what she's capable of."

Alice's temper flared, but she kept it in check. "I'm going into my bedroom for a minute. Don't be here when I come out, Bette." Alice turned to walk toward the bedroom.

"I don't fucking believe this," Bette snapped, getting up to follow after Alice. Tina held onto her, trying to placate Bette. Bette glared at Tina and pulled her hands away and followed after Alice. "I can't believe you're throwing away ten years of friendship for this woman!" Bette yelled.

Alice ignored her and walked steadily toward her bedroom, shutting it.

"Fuck, Bette," Tina said, shaking her head.

"What?" Bette said belligerently. "Like you aren't all thinking the same thing? Helena Peabody has Alice completely enthralled and pretty soon--"

"Bette, just stop," Tina said wearily. "We haven't even seen Helena in months. Alice is right, Helena doesn't give a shit."

Bette snorted in derision. "Right, like she didn't get me fired."

Tina shrugged but said nothing. Privately, she didn't think it was Helena's style, and Bette was in a precarious position multiple times at the CAC, she wouldn't be surprised if Helena had nothing to do with the decision to let go of Bette. But if believing it would make Bette feel better, Tina didn't want to say anything. Bette was becoming increasingly difficult to live with as Bette's anxiety level about her lack of a job increased. "They're friends," Tina said.

"If they're such great friends, why isn't Helena here celebrating Dana and Alice getting back together like the rest of us?" Bette shot back.

"I don't know," Tina snapped, annoyed.

"You guys, I'm sorry," Dana apologized, quickly trying to get in between Bette and Tina. She hated when they argued. "She's been a little cranky lately, I think she's coming down with someone, you know this isn't like her at all," Dana said, exchanging a look with Tina who was used to making up excuses at social functions for a partner's behavior. They shared a smile when they realized they were now in the same boat.

Tina exchanged another look with Dana as she remembered one of the many times she had to make excuses for Bette. Tina thought back to the dinner with Tim and Jenny when Bette discovered Jenny's infidelity. Tina was enjoying herself when Bette insisted they leave. Though Tina was cheated on--by Bette, no less, Tina still could not understand why Bette reacted that way--it was none of her business, after all. But Bette had a tendency to be reactive and impulsive, and the group always overlooked that before, especially Alice who accepted her friends at face-value, for their faults and strengths. It was obvious to Tina this was something Alice was going to dig her heels into, and since Alice was so rarely stubborn that way, Tina thought it would be much easier if everyone just accepted Helena and Alice's friendship and moved on with their lives. After all, Helena was her ex, and she wasn't making a big deal of it. Sure, it surprised her, but so far, she saw no conflicts.

"I can't believe her," Bette fumed. "I should call Helena and--"

"Bette," Tina snapped. "Just let it go."

Bette shot her an angry glare, turned to grab her purse and stalked out of Alice's apartment.

Tina snorted. "Fuck."

"Sorry," Dana said apologetically.

"It's not your fault."

"I've never seen them butt heads like this," Dana commented.

Of course Bette and Alice sniped at one another, but it was never serious, it was just the way their relationship was. But the arguing--that was entirely different.

"It seems like every time they see each other, they do end up fighting," Tina agreed.

"Yeah," Dana said. The fact that Alice and Bette were arguing over Alice's friendship with Helena only served to add fuel to Dana's resentment of Helena. "I'm sorry, you guys."

Tina waved her hand. "It's not the first time Bette's argued with someone like that," she said. It wasn't the first or the last, and Tina was used to it. "It wasn't as bad as it could have been."

"That's true," Dana said, smiling gratefully at Tina. She felt terrible for the way this night turned out so shitty, especially since it was kind of her idea.

"It's fine," Shane said.

"Yeah," Carmen agreed.

"Helena did punch Gabby Deveaux though," Shane said, her voice communicating her awe. "I've always wanted to punch Gabby Deveaux."

Tina and Dana looked at each other. "Me too," they confessed grudgingly.

Carmen laughed delightedly. "Kit said Gabby went down like that," Carmen said, snapping her thumb and index finger together. She glanced around the room. "Hey, where's Jenny?"

During the Bette and Tina argument, Jenny lost interest in the proceedings and slipped away unnoticed to talk to Alice who she found abundantly more interesting than witnessing another Tina and Bette argument. "Hey," Jenny said, slipping into the room and sitting down on the bed.

Alice sat up and smiled. "Hi." Her smile faded slightly. "I'm sorry for ruining the night."

Jenny shook her head. "You didn't ruin it."

"I was just really mad at Bette that she would say that."

Jenny smiled a little crookedly as she gazed at Alice, her chin tucked into the trench of her palm. "You like her," Jenny said simply. "So you defended her."

Alice smiled. "I do, I like her."

"Why don't you just tell her you love her?" Jenny asked.

Alice eyes widened. "Helena? I don't love Helena!" she said. "I mean, of course I love Helena. God, I love her." Alice said, her voice unconsciously becoming a little breathy. "I just meant I don't love her in that way."

Jenny looked amused, "She loves you," she said simply.

Alice's eyes widened even further. "No, she doesn't!"

Jenny grinned at her.

"Okay, I mean, of course she loves me. But not in that way," Alice said with a grin, able to see the humor in the situation. "We're just friends," Alice said softly, "she's beautiful and smart and so…so...amazing," Alice said almost breathlessly. "But we're just friends." They were just friends. They were both too smart to get involved with each other--they were one another's best friends, and that was not something Alice was willing to risk even if Helena was worth the risk. Alice wasn't willing to risk Helena's friendship--look at what happened with Dana. Not that it mattered if Alice thought Helena was worth risking their friendship for, because they were just friends. Just friends and Jenny was even crazier than Alice thought. After all, she was kind of back together with Dana now. Hell, this whole night was partly to celebrate that fact. "Helena's not into me that way," Alice said softly. She sighed. Maybe Helena wasn't into her at all anymore. That thought made Alice feel despondent again. She just didn't understand.

Jenny looked at her knowingly and then leaned forward to kiss Alice on the cheek. "You're stupid," she said softly, with a smile.

Alice grinned at her. "Why, thank-you, Jenny." She glanced at the door and winced a little, embarrassed by her behavior. "Wanna go back out there?"

"Let's go," Jenny said, standing up and taking Alice's hand as the two women walked out.

-----

The next day, Alice found herself on Helena's doorstep. She wanted to come over so many times in the past few days, but there were other things that demanded her attention, and unfortunately, she couldn't quite make it at a godly hour of the day or night, though it troubled her that Helena missed their phone calls and didn't call back. So, she brought over the Christmas gifts she'd purchased for Helena and the children, hoping she could clear the air between them on the day before Christmas, because it felt appropriate to do so. She planned to force Helena to talk to her, to tell her what was going on. Alice wondered if maybe she did do something to make Helena angry with her, but she'd gone over all their interactions and she just didn't understand it. She couldn't think of a thing.

Alice rang the doorbell once and waited, knowing sometimes it took a while to answer the door.

The door opened moments later.

"Hey Lulu."

"Alice, hey!" Lulu said clearly surprised.

"Is Helena home?" Alice asked. It was very early in the afternoon, but since it was Christmas Eve, Alice thought Helena would be home, perhaps spending the day with the children who were obviously on winter break.

Lulu looked perplexed. "Alice," she said softly. "Helena took the kids to go skiing in Vermont a couple of days ago, they'll be back on New Year's' Eve."

Alice stared blankly at her. "What?"

"They aren't here," Lulu said quietly. "You didn't know?" She would have thought Alice would have known. Alice was such a fixture in the home and in their lives, Lulu couldn't fathom how Alice wouldn't have known--Alice and Helena just seemed so close.

"No," Alice said softly, "I didn't." She didn't understand this, she didn't understand how Helena could just leave town and not say anything about it. Alice swallowed hard. "Did she leave a note or anything?" she asked, her words coming out strangled.

Lulu looked at her sympathetically. "No, I'm sorry," she said.

"Oh," Alice said swallowing hard, nodding her head slightly. "Okay," she said softly.

"There are presents for you under the tree," Lulu said quietly, touching Alice's arm. "Follow me."

"Okay," Alice said dully, following after Lulu. She watched as Lulu gathered various presents from under the tree. "I brought presents, too," she said softly. She knelt on the ground and took them out of her shopping bag and placed them under the tree. "This one's for you," she said, passing the wrapped box to Lulu.

Lulu took it gratefully. "Here," she said, passing Alice a present, "this one's from me. You know, it's kind of a Christmas slash thank-you present for hooking me up with that interview with that aide to the Councilwoman for that community analysis paper I had to do. You totally saved me."

"It was nothing," Alice said quietly.

"This one is from Helena," Lulu said, passing Alice a box. "And these are from the kids," she said, passing Alice two gifts wrapped in tissue paper with a pipe cleaner bows. "They made them for you in class."

Alice smiled slightly as she took the slightly imperfectly wrapped gifts from the children. "I should go," Alice said softly, putting the gifts into her shopping bag and standing up.

"Do you want to stay and hang out?" Lulu asked.

Alice smiled at her. "Aren't you going home?"

"I have to be at the airport soon," Lulu admitted, but she couldn't take the crushed look on Alice's face. She wasn't sure if Helena and Alice had an argument or something, but there was definitely something amiss. Her boss was the same as she ever was--warm and kind, never too demanding and treating her with nothing but respect. She gave Lulu a generous Christmas bonus and offered Lulu the option to go home immediately after finals which were two weeks ago, to beat the Christmas-time rush, but Lulu chose to stay since Helena always let her slide on taking care of the children when she was in the middle of exams and Lulu felt a little bad about that. Helena always treated her with the utmost respect, and how many college students had a job where they had room and board, got paid well, could work around their class schedule, had the weekends off and always got a pass to study for exams? Not many. And unlike other bosses, Helena never asked Lulu to do anything more than what was in her job description. Lulu stayed a few extra days to make sure everything in the house was taken care of before she left, but she did notice her boss was a little despondent before she left.

"Lulu?" Alice asked, pausing at the door.

"Yeah?"

"Has Helena been okay?" she asked, her voice small.

Lulu looked uneasy. "Honestly? She seems the same, but something is bothering her," Lulu said.

Helena was not an especially difficult person to read, after all.

Alice nodded slightly, a lump lodged in her throat. "Okay," she said, quietly. So something was definitely wrong, and Helena just wasn't telling her. 'Fuck,' Alice thought, swallowing the urge to cry. She forced herself to smile. "Merry Christmas, Lulu. Have a safe trip and have a lot of fun while you're home."

"Alice--"

"Yeah?"

Lulu looked into teary brown eyes. "It'll be okay," she said softly.

Alice forced a smile. "Yeah," she said, walking back to her car heavily.

She sat in the driver's seat and stared out the windshield, unmoving, wondering what the hell was going on. She didn't understand why Helena wasn't talking to her anymore. Alice sighed and rested her chin on her steering wheel. 'Maybe she doesn't like me anymore,' Alice thought sadly, her eyes filling with tears. If Helena left town without saying anything to her, Alice thought that was a definite possibility and one that was unacceptable to her. She would have to wait until Helena got back into town and she would demand an explanation.

Next--->