Author's Note: The Cure song mentioned in here is "Halo"

Alice and Helena continued to stare at one another. Helena was expressionless, but Alice was becoming teary-eyed at the lack of a response she was getting. Helena was just staring at her, her face and eyes blank, looking at Alice as though she weren't even really there. Helena could very well be just looking at the wall behind Alice and the blonde just happened to be standing in front of it. In Alice's mind, it amounted to the same thing.

Over the past several weeks, she's become almost accustomed to this new side of Helena she'd never experienced. She knew Helena was capable of it, of course, but it was just never directed at her. But in any case, she was becoming used to Helena withdrawing from her, and almost familiarized with the cool tones Helena would take with her. But this stare, completely blank--this was something entirely new to her experience, and it frightened her a little that Helena could look that way at her.

"What is going on?" Alice asked frustrated.

Helena remained silent, merely staring at Alice, though her blank expression wavered just a little bit before Helena seemed to reign in her emotions and the mask was back in place.

"Tell me," Alice commanded softly, moving closer to Helena and staring at her in the eyes.

Helena did not respond, she merely stared at Alice.

Alice stared back at her, determined to wait it out. She wasn't going to let it go this time. When she still got no response, she moved closer to Helena so their faces were only inches apart. Alice held the gaze unflinchingly. Helena began to retreat back and Alice hurriedly moved forward, not allowing Helena to get away so easily. "Helena," Alice whispered in frustration and desperation. How could it be like this between them? It couldn't be this way. No, not like this. Not them. Alice couldn't let this go without a fight.

Helena stared at her, not knowing why Alice just couldn't let this go. It was hard enough as it is.

Alice hesitantly placed her hands on Helena's hips, her touch gentle. She rested her forehead against Helena's. "Talk to me," she pleaded, shutting her eyes. "Just talk to me, please," Alice begged, opening her eyes to look deeply into Helena's eyes.

Helena stared at her wordlessly, her arms flat at her sides, her back and shoulders so very straight, as though Helena just graduated from some nineteenth century girls' finishing school, posture so very perfect. Still, she did not move and they remained that way, their foreheads pressed together, Alice's hands on Helena's hips and Helena's arms flat at her side.

Alice gazed at Helena for a long moment and then pulled her head back to regard Helena carefully. Helena stared back at her, blue eyes darkened with so many emotions Alice couldn't even begin to discern them. But at least, finally, there was emotion in them again, something to tell Alice that she wasn't imagining all this, that she wasn't going crazy. Something was obviously wrong and Helena just wasn't telling her.

And then Helena's face began to tremble and Alice saw Helena clench her jaw-- an obvious sign that Helena was struggling to remain in control. Alice swallowed hard and gently touched Helena's face, both hands caressing Helena's cheeks in a comforting gesture. Helena's eyes shut closed and she sighed softly at the feel of the touch.

"Please don't shut me out anymore," Alice pleaded softly.

Helena opened her eyes slowly and the two women gazed into each other's eyes, their faces only several inches apart.

"Helena," Alice said pleadingly, unconsciously holding on tighter to Helena's face.

Helena's brows furrowed and she opened her mouth as if to speak. "Alice," she whispered hoarsely. "I--" She fumbled for the right words, but found herself faltering. "I…" Helena trailed off, lost. She frowned and shook her head, and stepped backward so that Alice's hands fell away from her face. Helena crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Alice, her expression clearly communicating her feeling of hopelessness.

Alice looked at her sympathetically. "You can tell me anything," Alice whispered, stepping closer to Helena. "You must know that by now."

"I know," Helena said, her voice practically a whimper. "But this…" Helena winced and shrugged sadly. She gazed into Alice's eyes, blue eyes pleading for understanding. She took a step forward to move closer to Alice.

They remained that way, standing close together, their faces only inches apart, staring into each others' eyes, each woman unable to say anything more, but being unable to walk away either.

Alice's hands moved up to grasp the sides of Helena's neck and she stepped forward and moved her head slowly to gently press her lips against Helena's in a soft, sweet kiss.

Helena touched her lips when they broke apart. "Why did you do that?" she asked in a stark whisper, her eyes reflecting hurt confusion. "Why?" she demanded, choking on just the one word. She moved backward in an effort to put some distance between them. They were just standing too close, her lips still tingled with the feel of Alice's kiss and she just knew the kiss meant more to her than it did to Alice. What was probably just some impetuous compulsion on Alice's part was so much more to Helena, fueling her love and desire for this woman and only highlighting the knowledge she would never be the one Alice wanted.

Alice's eyes were wide, confused. She swallowed hard. She didn't mean to kiss Helena. She didn't come here with that goal. It was never her intention. Alice released a shaky breath, panting lightly. She stared into Helena's eyes and the two women found themselves staring at one another in stunned silence. And then Alice found herself stepping forward to bridge the physical space between them and pressed her lips against Helena's once again.

The kiss was deeper this time, and longer. Alice sucked gently on Helena's lower lip and then gently pushed her tongue inside Helena's mouth when the British woman parted her lips slightly. Helena moaned into Alice's mouth and the blonde felt herself sigh. Her fingers threaded into Helena's hair, her fingers becoming lost in the dark curls.

Then they pulled away, staring at each other with similar wide-eyed expressions, each woman confused, so confused about what it all meant.

"Oh God." Alice said, backing away. What had she done? She came here to force Helena to talk to her, and she'd kissed her best friend instead. Not just once, which she could have at least written off as being due to her impetuousness, but twice, which meant she obviously wanted to kiss her best friend. And God, that kiss had been so amazing. "Oh God. Okay. I have to go," Alice said, walking backwards to the door. What the hell did she just do? She was dating Dana and she'd just kissed Helena, her best friend. What the fuck was she thinking? She wasn't thinking, that's what. One moment, she was just staring at Helena, waiting for an answer and then the next, she couldn't help herself. She found herself lost in Helena's eyes, and just felt compelled to kiss her. Twice. This…this was completely unplanned. Alice has never been a model for self-control, but she knows how to reign her impulses. She doesn't walk around doing whatever she wanted or felt like. If she has a particularly bad phone call at work, it's not like she screams obscenities and hurls objects at walls, even when that was precisely what she wanted to do. She has self-control, which is why she has never cheated on someone she was dating seriously. Except maybe for lesbian-identified man Lisa, who she wasn't dating that seriously but he thought otherwise. Still, at least she could cop to the fact that she fucked Andrew while she was dating Lisa because she wanted, she wasn't going to excuse her behavior by bullshitting around the reason. She was an adult and she could accept responsibility, which is why she's rarely tried to excuse her behavior with "it just sort of happened, I didn't mean to do it." But kissing Helena…it just sort of happened, she didn't mean to do it.

Alice backed away as fast as she could though Helena simply stood in place, staring at her. Alice backed into the door and fumbled for the door knob. "Oh God," she repeated, turning it and stepping away so she could open the door. "Oh God," she said again and she backed out the door, closing it as she left.

"Oh God," Helena echoed faintly once she was alone, staring at the door.

She sank down onto the ground and pulled her knees up to her chest. She folded her arms over her knees and stared at the door, hoping Alice would come back inside, but the blonde did not. And she knew Alice would not. Helena stared for a few long moments and sighed when she realized Alice wasn't coming back, at least not right now. Helena breathed shakily and lowered her head to rest on her forearms. Maybe it was best that Alice didn't come back.

"Oh God," Helena whispered. Alice just kissed her. They'd kissed. This was exactly what she'd been wanting for months, but now Alice was with Dana and judging by the shocked look on Alice's face, the blonde hadn't intended to kiss her, which almost made her wish they hadn't kissed at all. Almost. She always thought if they kissed, it would be because they both wanted it, not because it was some uncontrolled impulse. But the feeling of Alice's lips on hers, the way Alice touched her in a way Alice had never touched her before--all that made Helena very glad they'd kissed even when it hurt to think that Alice didn't really want her. Though Helena was fairly sure they would never kiss again, at least she had the memory of Alice's lips on hers.

Still…

Impulse or not, Alice did kiss her, and it's not as though Alice walked around kissing everyone. There must have been some small grain of desire in there if there was an impulse or compulsion to kiss her, right? And if there were desire there then…well, Helena didn't know what that meant. She had no idea. And she was suspected Alice had no idea either.

She fancies herself as knowing Alice fairly well, and God knows she's never known another person better than she knows Alice. It's not that she believes she knows Alice best, it's the fact that of all the people she knows, save her children, Alice is the only person she honestly believes she knows well. It was the sad fact of her life that it took her twenty-nine years to finally meet someone she could claim to know even marginally well, and the more she thought about it, the more she didn't want to lose it.

But there was that nagging part of her that believed she would lose it anyway, and it was better to pull away than get left behind or cast aside. Alice wouldn't do that deliberately, but when Alice loved someone, she loved with all her heart. Helena knew Alice would be devoted to Dana, so much so that Helena had no delusions to believe she would be of any importance in Alice's life if Alice had Dana. So she'd been ready, preparing herself for losing Alice by cutting herself out of Alice's life. And then something changed.

Alice kissed her.

Alice kissed her.

There had been kinks in the plan from the beginning--like the way Alice just wouldn't give up on her or let her go.

No one has ever wanted to hold onto her, they've always been too happy to see her off once she ceased being useful to them. And though Helena knew what Alice was like, that Alice was different from everyone she'd ever known, that Alice was wonderfully loyal and cared too deeply about others to be deterred by a few distant phone conversations, Helena honestly expected that eventually, Alice would drift away from her. And Helena did not want that to be a slow, agonizing process, spending months waiting to be discarded--she just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. But then Alice kissed her.

Alice kissed her so gently but with so much intensity, her touch so tender that Helena still felt her heart racing. She has never been kissed that way before--even her first adolescent kisses lacked that kind of sweetness and passion. Things were likely going to change very soon--Helena knew that much, but she wasn't sure how. Helena touched her lips, lost in thought. She wasn't sure if the change would bode well for her--it may be that Alice would become so freaked out by the kiss that the blonde would never see her again, which was a prospect for which Helena had been preparing herself for weeks now, but now that possibility was even more painful when she realized how good it could have all been.

Still, at least she got to experience what kissing Alice was like--the reality of it far surpassed anything in her imagination or hypothetical contemplation.

If she had to lose Alice, at least there had been that kiss. That kiss touched something deep so deep inside her, Helena had no idea it was there because no one ever made contact with it before.

Until Alice, that is.

She never imagined she could become so close to Alice, at least not when they first met that day in Tina's apartment when Alice helped Tina move in and she dropped in for one reason or another. Helena could not even remember the purpose now, though she was sure it was one she manufactured just so she could drop in to see Tina. No, the reason why she dropped in on Tina were no longer important, but Helena tried to remember Alice on that day. She could vaguely recall what Alice had been wearing, and even then she thought it was adorable the way Alice bounced around playing the air guitar with a hammer before leaping off the couch. She wasn't a huge fan of the "Hit me with Your Best Shot" song, though she readily admitted the merits of Pat Benatar, but even then, she'd thought Alice was darling, just so very darling.

But she never imagined they would be friends, not really anyway. Tina seemed so determined to keep Helena a little apart from the rest of her life, and Helena supposed she should have taken that as a sign, but then, she'd never been with anyone who really wanted her. She had a few high school girlfriends, all of whom in one manner or another let her know just how unwanted she truly was, and then she had Winnie who'd never really loved her anyway, and then there was Tina. She should have realized the way Tina tried to keep her separate meant that Tina really wasn't invested in the relationship, that Tina didn't really care about her. But she was blinded by the fact that the sex with Tina was good and that they did occasionally spend time with Tina's friends which made Helena feel like Tina was integrating her into Tina's life. But then Helena recalled the sushi housewarming she'd planned and the way all of Tina's friends never showed up, never even called and the way Tina was so dismissive about the whole thing when Helena had tried so hard to get into the good graces of Tina's friends. It was so obvious now that Tina never really wanted Helena to be a part of her life and Helena was a little embarrassed she didn't realize it at the time, though she must have been a little aware, at least sub-consciously, because she'd known at the time that she would never be friends with Tina's friends.

That's changed now. Tina's best friend is now hers, and though it was something Helena never could have foreseen, she was so grateful that it happened. She wasn't sure what was going to happen between her and Alice, and she wished Alice would come back so they could talk about it. She would defer to anything Alice wanted, even if the blonde told her she never wanted to see her again. The irony of the situation didn't escape Helena--for weeks now, she's been avoiding Alice, waving off Alice's attempts to talk to her about her behavior and what was going on between them and now she wishes Alice would come back so they could talk about what was going to happen. Helena chucked humorlessly at the thought.

At least there had been the kiss, which she knew she would cherish forever regardless of what happened between them. Perhaps the first could be written off as some impulse--but the second one--that had been different and Helena felt it.

------

Alice took a deep breath and raised her fist to knock and then lowered it, heaving a deep sigh. 'Wuss,' she admonished herself. She took another deep breath, shut her eyes tightly, raised her hand again and knocked fast and hard, knowing if she didn't, she would certainly chicken out. She didn't want to have this conversation, knowing how it would hurt the other person, but it just had to be done. 'She deserves this much,' Alice thought.

Moments later, Dana opened the door and grinned. "Alice! Hi."

"Hey," Alice said softly.

"Come in," Dana said, feeling a little uneasy by the unreadable expression on Alice's face. Not that it was anything new--she was finding it increasingly difficult to be able to 'read' Alice these days. She knew the break-up would take its toll on their relationship and friendship, and she felt she only had herself to blame, but she just didn't know how to make it better, how to salvage what they once had. She used to understand Alice, and now Dana just couldn't seem to get a handle on it. Alice's behavior the night before--sleeping on the couch, the refusal to go to bed because she was 'reading for a story'--all that perplexed her and now Alice showed up to her apartment with this look on her face that Dana couldn't even describe, let alone even hope to understand. She knew immediately that whatever it was that made Alice look that way could not be good. Dana felt a sense of foreboding she immediately tried to squelch.

This was Alice. What could Dana have to worry about?

Try as she might, Dana couldn't push away the knot of worry in her stomach. Still, she took Alice by the hand and pulled her inside, closing the door behind them. "Let's sit," she said, walking toward her couch, pulling Alice behind her. "I'm so glad you're here. I thought you said you had a lot of work to do tonight," Dana said. Despite her feeling that something bad was about to happen, she couldn't deny that she was happy Alice dropped in. It was only a few hours since she left Alice's apartment after lunch, but she'd missed the blonde and she did feel that seeing Alice was always a happy occasion. She smiled at Alice.

"I have something to tell you," Alice said somberly as she took a seat next to Dana.

Dana swallowed hard, her smile fading slowly. That couldn't be good. She tried not to get too anxious--maybe it wasn't bad at all. Maybe Alice was just blowing it out of proportion, which was making Dana blow it out of proportion. 'Maybe,' Dana thought hopefully. "Okay."

Alice breathed in deeply. She may as well get this over with. "I kissed Helena." She was not ashamed of the fact that she kissed Helena--she loved the British woman, though it was obvious to her now that it was as more than a friend. And her relationship with Dana was not exclusive anyway, per Dana's own desires. But she did think it would be hard for Dana to hear, and for that, Alice was sorry.

Dana's stomach dropped. "What?" she whispered. A part of her knew there was more to Alice and Helena than just friendship. Though Dana has been spending a great deal of time alone with Alice over the past few weeks, Dana knew Alice and Helena were close--best friends, really. Like she and Alice once were, and the way they just aren't anymore, though Dana loathes to think about it and won't admit to it consciously. And of course, Dana knows Alice has fallen in love with her best friend before. She always thought there was more to the friendship with Helena than Alice let on--maybe Alice herself had been blind to it until now, Dana wasn't sure. But she knew there was more to it, and now Alice just confirmed it.

"I kissed Helena," Alice repeated guiltily. After kissing Helena, she thought about what she'd done for several hours alone in her apartment. She went through it in her mind, and she realized that though the kiss wasn't intentional, she didn't exactly regret it either-- except for the way it hurt Dana. The truth was, Alice thought the kiss was amazing and now she thought about Helena in an entirely different way. Maybe that feeling was there the entire time, far in the back of her mind. She was certainly more physical with Helena than she was with her other friends, and though she'd longed ceased to look at Bette, Tina or Shane as sexual, attractive people, Alice routinely admires Helena's physical appearance. She used to chalk that up to the fact that Helena was simply hot, but the more she thought about it, all her friends were hot, it was just that she'd long stopped noticing. She pretty much stopped noticing right away, actually. But with Helena…that observation, the one that made her think to herself, 'God, she's beautiful,' never went away. The only other time that happened, it was with Dana, whose physical appearance and attractiveness never escaped her mind. The more Alice thought about it, the more she thought that she'd been attracted to Helena the entire time they were friends. Oh, God. She had romantic feelings for her best friend. Again! Maybe she wouldn't let herself acknowledge it knowing how falling for her best friend turned out last time. She was with Dana again, of course, but Dana didn't really want her--Dana wanted other people and that broke her far more than she was willing to let on to anyone. Maybe she was so shattered by what happened with Dana, that she was too afraid to acknowledge her feelings for Helena, afraid to know where it might lead, afraid that she would lose Helena, whom she just could not lose, the way she lost Dana, who wasn't really lost to her anymore, but still somehow out of her reach. One thing she knew for sure now--she had feelings for Helena which she couldn't quite sort out yet, but Alice could admit to herself it went beyond friendship and maybe that was the case for a long time. It just took an unintentional kiss to prove that to her.

Dana swallowed hard. 'She kissed Helena,' Dana thought. Alice kissed Helena. What was she supposed to say to that? Alice kissed Helena, not the other way around, and that just hurt more--that it was Alice who initiated the kiss. But what could Dana say to it? Their relationship wasn't exclusive and she was the one who'd made sure of that. So what could she say? It's not like she could get angry about it. "Do you want to start seeing her?" Dana asked quietly.

"Yes," Alice whispered. The whole thing was so confusing. She never knew she could be capable of this--to sit next to Dana and want to be with someone else, even as her love for Dana did not diminish one whit, she still wanted to be with Helena as well. She never thought she'd be in this position. Of course, she was capable of seeing two people at the same time--sometimes more, but that was just casual dating. The way she felt for Dana and the way she felt for Helena--neither of those feelings were at all casual, and even as she answered Dana's question--that yes, she wanted to see Helena, she knew that this couldn't end well for someone. Probably her, because she was always the one for whom things like this didn't end well.

"So you already talked about this with her," Dana said flatly.

Alice looked confused. "Huh? What? No, of course not."

"What?" Dana said, confused as well now.

"Dana, you deserve to know about this before I talk to her!" Alice exclaimed, although it did occur to her that just because she wanted to start seeing Helena didn't mean Helena wanted to start seeing her. Maybe it was just egotism, but she never considered the possibility that the emotion behind the kiss--kisses plural, really, wasn't mutual. She thought a kiss so amazing would be fueled by reciprocated emotion. But maybe it wasn't. 'Fuck,' Alice thought, panicking. What if Helena fucking hated her now? She thought back to the wide-eyed expression on Helena's face, the way Helena asked her 'why?' Maybe Helena didn't want it at all and Alice practically assaulted her. 'Oh fucking great,' Alice thought. Alice took a deep breath, trying not to think about it. It was one thing at a time. And right now, it was Dana she had to focus on.

Dana flushed guiltily, recalling the way she'd talked to Lara first before breaking up with Alice, to make sure the red-head was still interested in dating. "Oh," Dana said softly. For some reason, she thought Helena talked Alice into wanting to date her, that Helena was trying to take Alice away the way she tried to take Tina away. But if Alice didn't even talk to Helena....it must mean that Alice really wanted to date Helena, Dana realized. She didn't want to say 'yes,' she didn't want to tell Alice it was okay, but she didn't think she had a choice in the matter, and who was she to say it wasn't okay? She was the reason this was happening. "Okay," Dana whispered.

Alice looked at her pleadingly. "Dana--" She never thought she would be in this position, and she could now empathize with Dana's situation. She loved Dana--she truly did, but this thing with Helena….well, it just merited exploring. And if Helena didn't feel the same way…well, it would take her heart and her pride a while to recover, but Alice felt she had to give it a try. Maybe Helena didn't want anything to do with her, maybe that was why Helena was treating her so coolly lately, but Alice still wanted to give it a try. But right now, she couldn't bear the look on Dana's face. "Dana, God, I'm so sorry," Alice said, thinking how strange it was to be in this position when only a few months before, she'd been on the other side of the conversation--with the same person. Granted their relationship wasn't exclusive, but come on, it was sort of a given that Dana was the only one who would be seeing other people. Now she was changing all that.

"No…it's okay," Dana said, forcing a smile. She patted Alice's knee. "We aren't exclusive. You have that right." Of course Alice should be able to date other people. It was just that Dana never saw this coming. It was supremely selfish of her to have expected Alice just to wait for her while she sorted things out, but she had. She never thought Alice would want to explore possibilities outside of their relationship and she knew that with Helena, it could be very serious. Alice could fall in love and then Dana would lose her forever.

"Dana, I'm sorry," Alice whispered.

"You don't have to be," Dana said, trying to push away the ache that was building inside her. This whole thing was her own doing, and she desperately wanted to tell Alice that it was not okay and to suggest they become exclusive again, but she knew it would just be an impulsive move on her part--motivated by fear. She really wasn't ready for exclusivity and anyway, she'd turned the idea down the night before when Alice brought it up, so there was really no way she could bring it up now just because Alice wanted to start dating Helena. "Don't be sorry."

"But I am," Alice said. "Dana, I don't want to hurt you--"

"Al, it's okay," Dana cut off gently as she could. She felt she brought this upon herself. "I'm going to go to the gym, you know, get in a work-out before bed, so…" She was lying, but she wanted to be alone. God, what has she done? Dana knew it was she who kicked off a sequence of events that led to this moment, when Alice would tell her she wanted to start dating Helena Peabody. So she only had herself to blame for everything she was feeling at the moment.

"I'll go," Alice said softly, her eyes sympathetic. She knows Dana well enough to know the tennis player just wants to be alone for the moment. "Bye Dana," Alice said reaching over on instinct to give Dana a hug, and then stopping when she thought better of it. She awkwardly patted Dana on the knee. "I'll call you later," she said, standing up and walking to the door.

Dana watched her walk away, an unhappy expression on her face. She was the one who did this to herself, of course. She could accept that. But she hasn't fallen in love with any of the people she has dated or is dating. She has not made any kind of connection with them although she likes them well enough. She was simply going with the flow--no true feelings or emotions attached.

But Alice and Helena… that was completely different. She was tempted to call out to Alice, to get the blonde to stay with her, because she knew Alice would stay if she only asked. She didn't quite want to let Alice go, not like this, because Dana knew exactly where Alice would go after she left. Dana bit her lip, ready to call out to Alice, but then the blonde turned around, pausing by the door to look at Dana worriedly.

"Dana," Alice says helplessly. "I don't want to leave you alone like this."

Dana smiled ruefully, as she remembered the day she begged Alice not to leave, 'not like this,' after she told the reporter she wanted to see other people. At the time, the last thing she wanted to do was to leave Alice alone when she was in such obvious pain but she let Alice leave, partly because she had no choice--Alice was determined to leave that day, and there was nothing Dana could have done short of physical subjugation that would have made Alice stay and partly because Dana knew that she'd been the one to hurt Alice, so of course Alice would want to get away from her. And Dana realized that for the first time, she had an inkling of what Alice must have felt all those months ago. She has tried repeatedly to get a feel for it, to know what Alice is going through, to understand what she caused, but this was the first time Dana had even an inkling of what Alice must have felt. She wanted Alice to leave. She wanted Alice to stay. She wanted things to go back to the way before, she wanted things to change. She had no idea what the hell she wanted. But she knew she has already taken enough of Alice's happiness. "I'll be fine," Dana said quietly, trying to sound reassuring. "I know you have something you need to take care of," Dana said softly. It killed her to say it and to know that it was true, that Alice would undoubtedly drop in to see Helena after this. But she didn't want to keep Alice from something that would make her happy--not when she caused Alice so much grief.

Alice began to walk toward the couch again. "I don't want to leave you like this," she repeated.

Dana held out hands out, palms facing Alice in a gesture clearly indicating 'stop.' It was too hard right not, to be near to Alice. She desperately wanted Alice to stay, but it was too hard. And the worst thing was, Dana knew she only had herself to blame, that if she'd just said 'yes' to Alice the night before when Alice suggested they become exclusive again, Alice would never have kissed Helena because Alice wasn't like that.

Alice stopped in her tracks, afraid to move because she knew what it was like to be in Dana's position, to not really want to be left, but unable to bear being around someone who'd hurt you so deeply and that physical proximity made everything worse.

"Al, just go," Dana said softly. It was time she started sorting things out as well.

Alice stared at her fretfully, looking unsure and apologetic before she sighed and nodded slightly. She could understand that--hell, she'd been there. "Call me when you want to talk to me again," Alice said quietly, because she knew that Dana wouldn't want to hear from her for a while, and she wanted to give Dana the space she needed. She knew from her own experience and because she knew Dana that it was better to give Dana the time to sort things out in her head and let Dana come to her. Alice walked toward the door once again, glanced back one last time and then opened the door and walked away, leaving Dana alone.

The moment Alice was gone, Dana began to sob. Quietly, at first. And then it just became sort of messy, the kind of tears that you have to keep wiping away and your eyes get red, but you aren't necessarily wailing either. And then Dana began to cry harder and then it became impossible to control herself. She hasn't fallen in love with anyone else other than Alice, but Alice…if Alice wanted to date Helena, it's only because there is genuine emotion involved. And the weight of that knowledge, knowing Alice would never have come to her to ask if she could date someone else unless the person meant a great deal to her, crushes her.

-------

It was still relatively early when Alice left Dana's. For a long time, she just sat in her car in front of Dana's condo, wondering if she was doing the right thing or if she should go inside and try to comfort Dana somehow. But she had no idea how should could comfort Dana and she wasn't so sure why Dana was so upset anyway when Dana was the one who'd wanted to date other people. She contemplated going straight to Helena's, but she realized she had some things to think about first, so she just went home. She checked her messages, hoping and fearing there would be a message from Helena, but it seemed that practically everyone in the universe had called her except for Helena. There was even a message from Dana who'd obviously called and left a message before their last conversation, suggesting they meet for coffee tomorrow morning. Alice shook her head grimly. That wasn't likely to happen. Once she skimmed through the messages, she walked into her bedroom and flopped down face down on her bed.

She lay in bed wondering what she would do if it turned out Helena really didn't want to be with her at all. She thought about the possible scenarios and situations and then she decided there was no point in thinking in the hypothetical and sat up. She changed her top which was wrinkled from tossing and turning restlessly in her bed and then touched up her makeup and then left her apartment to drive to Helena's house.

It was surprisingly easy to climb up Helena's trellis and hoist herself onto the balcony outside Helena's window. Alice made a mental note to talk to Helena about that later, security reasons and such. It bothered her that it was so easy for her to do this, especially since she wasn't the most athletic or graceful person in the world. The last time she'd scaled up or down a second story window was when she was fifteen and her best friend was Charlotte Long whose mother was far too shrewd to allow sleepovers at Alice's house where Mrs. Long knew there would be no supervision. So, Alice was forced to sleep over at Charlotte's where they would routinely climb out of Charlotte's second story window to sneak out to a party. But that was fifteen years ago, and she hasn't had the need or desire to do such things since then. Until now.

She wasn't doing this out of some warped sense of romanticism--it was necessity. The light in Helena's bedroom was the only light on in the entire house, and Alice didn't want to wake anyone up since it was fairly late--past midnight, and it was a Sunday which meant Lulu and the children had school tomorrow. She didn't want to ring the doorbell and she didn't want to call the house phone because while it would definitely catch Helena's attention, it would likely wake up the other inhabitants of the home. She tried calling Helena's cell phone, but it was off, which either meant the British woman was avoiding her or Helena forgot her cell phone in her car again and its battery ran out. Helena was always doing that and Alice constantly scolded her for it, because every time Helena did that, she had a zillion missed calls and voicemails. But Helena always shrugged it off, saying that she didn't live her life attached to a cell phone, and if it was that important, they could always just call the house since obviously, she was home, if she left the cell phone in her car.

Whatever the case may be, it didn't matter.

What mattered was that she didn't want to give a reason for Helena to be annoyed with her by waking up the kids or Lulu and she had no way of reaching Helena, but she desperately needed to talk to her. Alice caught her breath from all the unexpected physical activity and then checked her clothing to make sure she wasn't dirty from the climb. Satisfied, she reached into her bag to pull out her compact to make sure her hair and make-up was still okay. "Okay," Alice breathed. She didn't know what she was going to say. There was so much she wanted to tell Helena, so much she wanted to ask her. There was just too much. She spotted her purple Post-Its and her tiny Garfield notebook in her purse and remembered how she and Helena playfully argued over L'il Willy. After Helena returned L'il Willy to her, as a mock peace offering, Alice stuck it into her back pocket and when she got home, she put it into the top drawer of her dresser where it still remained. She didn't know why she kept it, but it made sense now. Alice pulled out her Post-Its and pen and quickly scrawled something she just had to say, that would let Helena know why she was here. She took a deep breath, trying to ready herself and then shook her arms and then her head from side to side the way some people do to get energized before a particularly big event.

She could hear Helena inside her room, and she smiled a little when she heard the faint sounds of The Cure. She couldn't quite make out the lyrics and even the beat itself was very faint, but Robert Smith's voice was unmistakable and distinctive. Alice smiled affectionately--they both loved the Cure and they talked of seeing them play some day, when they did another tour of the States and also made dreamy plans of possibly going to some place further away, to see them perhaps in Belgium or Spain. There was so much Alice wanted to do with her. Alice stared down at the Post-It in her hand. Alice breathed in deeply and then lightly rapped on the door.

Alice grinned when she heard Helena murmur and turn down the music. Alice chuckled, realizing Helena wasn't sure if she'd heard something, so she rapped on the sliding glass door once again. Alice could hear Helena murmur again, and there was a long pause and then a bang and some loud rummaging. The curtain was pulled away and Helena was standing there, one hand frozen on the curtain and the other raising a cricket bat.

Alice and Helena stared at each other and then slowly, Alice held up the Post-It and smacked it against the sliding glass door, holding it in place.

Helena's eyes fell away from Alice's gaze and lowered to read the Post-It.

'Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?'

Helena's eyes watered and she stared up at Alice who looked at her hopefully. The cricket bat fell to her side, as she nodded emphatically and immediately fumbled with the door as she tried to open it. Finally releasing the lock, she slid the door open and stared at Alice.

Alice pointed to the cricket bat. "Are you going to hit me with that?" Alice asked quietly, with a tiny grin. She wiped at her eyes--she was becoming teary as well. "You won't, will you?

Helena glanced at it, and tossed it aside, staring at Alice and blushing slightly. "I thought you were an intruder," she confessed.

Alice laughed softly. "Why weren't you calling the police then? Silly."

Helena chuckled. She stepped closer to Alice, and took the Post-It out of Alice's hands and read it again, just to make sure she'd read it correctly the first time. "Do you mean it?" she asked, quietly, holding it up.

Alice nodded fervently. She wiped away Helena's falling tears with her thumbs and then cupped the sides of Helena's face, staring intently into Helena's eyes. "Helena, I--"

Helena stepped even closer and wrapped her arms around Alice's back, drawing the blonde nearer to her and then pressed her lips against Alice's.

Alice responded eagerly to the kiss, standing on her tip-toes to accommodate for the differences in height--the balcony was slightly lower than the bedroom and Helena was two inches taller. Her mouth parted eagerly, and Helena's tongue gently pushed its way in, causing Alice to moan into the kiss as they began kissing slowly and gently, exploring the feel and taste of each other's lips, tongues, and mouths. Alice licked and nibbled at Helena's lips. Helena placed gentle kisses on the corners of Alice's mouth, and lightly brushed their lips together. Alice deepened the kiss and it became a little more frantic and urgent.

Alice turned her body slightly and pushed Helena against the edge of the open sliding glass door, their mouths never breaking contact, so that they were each half on the balcony and half in the bedroom, the position giving her better balance than continually standing on tip-toe. Alice planted her feet several inches apart so she could press her hips against Helena's and placed her hands one-over-the-other against the edge of the sliding glass door, just above Helena's head for both leverage and balance. Helena's arms wrapped around Alice's back and her fingers entwined into Alice's hair. She sighed softly when Alice deepened the kiss and began sucking on her tongue, the blonde pressing her body even closer against Helena's as she did so, their hips grinding into each other.

Without breaking the kiss, Helena gently pushed them forward, her arms now wrapped around Alice's waist for support and turned them around as she maneuvered them into the bedroom and toward the bed. As Helena eased Alice onto her back, Alice pulled Helena down to her by grabbing onto the front of the black tank top Helena slept in, their lips remaining locked. Helena straddled Alice's hips as they kissed, her hands cupping the sides of Alice's face. Alice placed one of her hands gently behind Helena's neck while the other hand trailed down Helena's back and then roamed over Helena's ass. Alice grinned and kissed Helena, slow and deep, reveling in the feel of Helena's body against hers, the taste of Helena's kisses, the touch of Helena's skin.

Alice gently rolled their bodies so they could lie side by side. She tucked a thigh in between Helena's thighs, their limbs became entangled and their bodies pressed even closer together, so close, there was no physical space between them as they continued their slow exploration.

Wonderfully long moments passed and then Alice broke the kiss reluctantly, gasping slightly as she pulled her head away, instantly missing contact, though their bodies were still enmeshed with each other. Alice smiled when she saw that Helena almost instinctually moved her head closer, as if to re-establish contact when she'd pulled her head away. She felt like doing the same, and she definitely planned to, because Helena was a proper kisser. But she had to get this out of the way first. "Helena?" she panted, as she brushed Helena's hair away from her face because Alice thought it was such a shame to cover such a face. Helena's hair, made unruly by their activities immediately fell back into Helena's eyes. Alice couldn't resist smiling, she'd never seen Helena's hair in such disarray and Alice found it simply appealing and…well, hot.

"Yes?" Helena breathed.

"I can't keep kissing you listening to Disintegration," Alice said. "It makes me remember being fourteen and listening to that all summer depressed with the lights off, the curtains drawn and the air conditioning running on high." Alice laughed self-deprecatingly and buried her face into Helena's neck. "We need new make-out music."

Helena laughed and hugged the blonde close. "It's not Disintegration, it's a mix CD, and most of the songs from Disintegration just happen to be on it in sequential order."

"My mistake," Alice said wryly, reaching up to Helena's nightstand to grab the remote control for Helena's stereo while still trying to hold onto Helena. She stretched up and lunged for it, crowing triumphantly when she managed to grab it without diminishing their physical contact by too much. She settled back into her original position, and lay face-to-face with Helena. She pointed the remote at the stereo and began searching for a song, laughing happily when she found a song she thought was appropriate for the moment.

I never felt like this with anyone before, you only have to smile and I'm dizzy

"See?" Alice murmured. "Now, 'Halo,' is a kissing song. The 'Same Deep Water as You'? Not so much." Alice grinned at Helena and stroked Helena's face.

Helena's grinned slowly. "You're just trying to excuse your music ADD," she said, bringing up one of their constant arguments. She gazed into Alice's eyes, sighing happily. All her life, she's never been quite content and she's hated herself for it because there was nothing she was lacking in material possessions. If she needed something, chances were, she could afford to buy it. And as long as her children were happy, she was happy. But she has never felt this kind of perfect romantic contentment where she feels the love is mutual. She loves Alice--she's known that for a very long time, and for as long as they've been friends, the blonde had a way of making her feel loved in return. But it's changed a little now. Now, she could feel the depths of Alice's love in her kisses--and though she knew it would be complicated because of Alice's love for Dana, that fact had no effect on her feeling of perfect contentment. Just the knowledge that finally, someone truly loved her, for her. Alice's friendship has touched that very lonely, very empty place inside of her, and because of that, Helena has always felt that Alice understood her. She has been depressed and unhappy for weeks--work troubles, her mother's harangues, problems with the custody hearing and avoiding Alice quite honestly took their toll on her. She'd physically and emotionally exhausted and drained, and she could not remember ever feeling as lonely or as empty as she has in the last few weeks. Of course, loneliness and emptiness were such constant emotional states for her from the very beginning of her life, she hardly noticed. But then Alice came into her life, and touched that emptiness and that loneliness. And being without Alice--well, it made that loneliness and emptiness worse, because she'd known what it was like to not feel those things. But now…now she had Alice in her arms and Alice was smiling at her and holding her and planting gentle kisses on her neck and shoulder. "ADD Girl," she said playfully.

Alice laughed. "I don't have music ADD," she denied softly, playing along, because this was a joke they shared and it felt so wonderful to be sharing them with Helena again. Alice grinned as she thought how the new facet of their relationship was also something that was a wonderful shared experience. Alice slowly brought her face closer to Helena's face to capture Helena's lips with her own once again.

----

Alice and Helena lay in Helena's bed, their limbs hopelessly entangled with one another's, but neither woman particularly cared. Helena pressed her head against Alice's chest and tried to listen to Alice's heart beat while Alice rested her chin on top the of Helena's head. They'd laid together in companionable silence, listening to the various CDs that played through Helena's 400-disc CD changer. Alice idly contemplated how many hours worth of music that would be, and if they could possibly just remain in bed until all the CDs played through. 'Probably not,' Alice thought with a grin, knowing it would be impossible, but still feeling a little disappointed anyway. They were listening to Eluvium at the moment, which fit their quiet, contemplative moods. Helena's fingers trailed idly up and down Alice's upper thigh. Alice's hand covered Helena's, stilling it and held Helena's hand against her thigh.

"Helena?" Alice asked softly.

"Yes?"

"Helena, I have to know…did I do something wrong? Why were you so…I mean, did I do something?" Alice asked, her brow furrowing. "I still don't understand why you were so…distant," Alice said.

Helena was quiet for a long moment and Alice's heart sank, thinking that she would never know. That she would never recapture that closeness with Helena again. It was almost unbearable to think so, considering everything they'd just shared.

And then Helena spoke.

"I don't know why I was such a fool," Helena said softly, her expression rueful. She paused, appearing thoughtful. "Actually, I do," she said quietly.

Alice looked at her encouragingly. "Tell me, please," she said, kissing the top of Helena's head.

"I suppose when you began dating Dana again and you started spending more time with your other friends I thought…" Helena bit her lip. "I thought perhaps I was no longer of use to you."

Alice shifted so she could look at Helena directly in the eyes. "Huh?" she asked, baffled. "What do you mean you thought you were 'no longer of use to me'? You aren't a fucking iron or a blender or something, Helena. You're my friend. People don't have, like, functions," Alice paused. "Okay, they do, bodily and otherwise, but not the kind of functions you're talking about. People don't have, like, uses. That's just…that's not why we're friends, Helena. Just you being you is enough. It's always been enough--will always be enough..."

Helena sighed and stroked Alice's face tenderly. "I'm sorry, darling," she said quietly. "I've known for a long time how I felt about you," she said in soft confession.

Alice gazed at Helena. "I think I've felt the same way about you for a long time now, too," she said quietly. "I just…" Alice trailed off as realization dawned on her. "Wait, you…this was all because you thought…" Alice bit her lip. "Fuck, Helena," Alice said as she realized how alike they truly were. That Helena pulled away from her much in the same way she herself had pulled away from Dana, except Dana had outright rejected her--broke up with her to pursue possibilities with other people, even if they were back together now. And they weren't even back together, they were just 'dating' now. Helena shut her out and Alice didn't even see it coming. If Helena had just talked to her, come to her and told her about her feelings, maybe all the pain and anxiety of the past few weeks never would have happened. "Don't do that again," Alice said sternly.

Helena hung her head. "I'm sorry" she said quietly. "I thought perhaps it would be easier on both of us. I didn't want to make you choose between me and Dana and your friends--"

Alice sighed. "Helena, what have I told you about that?"

"I know," Helena murmured quietly. "I know that. But…" Helena smiled crookedly. "You weren't with Dana then and I knew there were bound to be changes."

"I wouldn't have chosen them over you," Alice said quietly, very gravely. "I wouldn't have. What would make you think that?"

Helena avoided Alice's gaze as she searched for the right words to say, but found that she was at a loss. She couldn't express everything she'd felt over the past few weeks.

Alice shook her head and then cupped the sides of Helena's face tenderly. "Troublemaker," Alice shot out softly, grinning as Helena ducked her head again.

"Alice--"

"It doesn't matter," Alice said quietly. "I like that you're that way. You can be a troublemaker and cause me grief," Alice said with a grin. "You'll probably drive me insane, because for some crazy reason you seem to think I'd let you go so easily. You will totally drive me crazy, but let's live like that anyway. I kinda like that idea." Alice was quiet for a moment and then stroked the other woman's face. "Don't leave me again, not like that," Alice said plaintively, her voice a soft plea.

"I won't," Helena said quietly. She lowered her gaze and each woman remained quiet for a few moments. "Did you buy a new blender, by the way?" Helena asked suddenly.

Alice made a face. "No, not yet." She scowled playfully, and poked Helena's shoulder. "It's your fault. You said you'd go shopping with me to get it. But did you? No. I think not, because you were all thinking about people needing uses or something, so I had to keep my Evil Demon-Possessed Blender because you promised to go shopping with me and you didn't!" Alice grinned and nuzzled Helena's neck. "It's evil and wants to remove limbs," Alice said solemnly. "It's evil! It wanted to chop off my fingers last week," Alice said, waving her fingers in Helena's face. "My fingers! I'm a writer and I like to play guitar sometimes--it tried to take away my livelihood and my occasional hobby," Alice said with mock graveness. "It's evil!"

Helena chuckled. "These fingers?" she asked, playing along, gently holding onto Alice's hands and kissing each of her fingers.

Alice nodded solemnly, though her eyes twinkled with humor.

Helena smiled. "Your blender is a criminal," she declared softly.

Alice smiled and pressed her lips against Helena's. "It's possessed by the spirit of a serial killer," she declared when she pulled away.

Helena smiled wryly. "Which one?"

"Jack the Ripper?"

Helena pouted. "I think the spirit one of Britain's most notorious serial killers has better things to do than haunt your blender."

Alice's lower lip jutted out petulantly, as if she were insulted that Jack the Ripper's ghost was too good to haunt her blender. "Myra Hindley, then," she suggested.

Helena's eyes narrowed playfully.

"Mary Ann Cotton?"

Helena sighed.

"Rosemary West?"

Helena sighed again. "She's not even dead."

"Dennis Nilsen?"

Helena laughed, "He's not dead either, and why are all the serial killers you're mentioning British?" she asked, pretending to be deeply aggrieved. "Why can't an American serial killer's ghost haunt your blender? Like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Karla Homolka or the Son of Sam? Or Richard Ramirez?"

Alice shuddered and pressed closer to Helena. "No! Richard Ramirez can't haunt my blender. He scared the shit out of me."

Helena stroked Alice's hair comfortingly. "Really?"

Alice nodded and pressed her cheek against Helena's chest and held on tightly to Helena. "He was killing people and I would hear it on the news. I was ten and my mom left me home alone a lot and my brother and sister were both already in college and my parents were divorced by then and my dad didn't want much to do with me." Alice shuddered. "I would watch the news a lot. It scared the shit of me. So his ghost can't haunt my blender." Alice paused and then frowned. "Actually, you know what? I don't think he's dead yet. I think I heard he married some woman he met through the Prison Pen Pals system or whatever."

"Hm," Helena said, contemplating this. "How do you think one even begin to become part of the Prison Pen Pals network?"

Alice considered this. "I'm not sure," she said slowly.

Each woman became quiet as they individually contemplated how one was able to apply to be a part of such a prestigious postal network.

"Karla Homolka is Canadian and also not dead," Alice remarked absently.

"Alice?" Helena asked quietly, her voice suddenly serious.

"Yeah?" Alice asked, looking intently at Helena, wondering at the suddenly serious tone.

"Why do we know so much about serial killers?" Helena asked with a laugh.

Alice paused. "I don't know," she said, giggling. That was a little weird. "But anyway. My blender is evil! Eeeeevil, I tell you." Alice pouted.

"Yes, it is," Helena murmured.

"Hey!" Alice exclaimed, gently whapping Helena on the shoulder. "Don't placate me! You know my blender is evil."

"Yes, darling, I do know."

"The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night and went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. And the blender was on! It was just on for no reason. Its lights were on and it was all evil and glowy and…" Alice squealed and buried her face into Helena's chest. She shuddered and then pulled her head away so she could look at Helena. "Can I pleeeeease sleep over at your place tonight? My blender is evil! It's going to try and kill me and eat me!" She looked at Helena pleadingly, deliberately trying to make herself look as pathetic and desperate as possible which Helena found to be adorably endearing.

Helena pretended to mull it over. "Well…"

"Pleeeeease?" Alice asked, though she was grinning. She tickled Helena's ribs and Helena squealed with laughter. "Just because your blender is all inanimate and not haunted doesn't mean everyone else has that luxury. So can I pleeeeease sleep over? Pleeeease?" Alice asked, laughing and punctuating her request with fluttery kisses on Helena's face. "Please?"

Helena was silent.

Alice poked at her ribs and Helena squealed and tried to move away but her body was hopelessly tangled with Alice's.

"Helena!" Alice exclaimed, laughing.

"I'm thinking about it!" Helena shot back, giggling.

Alice poked Helena in the ribs again.

Helena gasped and giggled and tried to squirm away, but she found she could not move. "All right! All right! Of course you may sleep over, darling. You know I love it when you do."

Alice smiled. "Do you?" she asked softly, happy to hear it was so. She kissed Helena's neck. "I'm glad to hear it," she murmured softly.

Helena released a soft, but sharp intake of breath, her back arching when Alice gently sucked on the pulse point in her neck. Her fingers tangled into Alice's hair. "It's true," Helena gasped.

Alice pressed her lips against Helena's. "Good," she said quietly, and then moving to kiss Helena again, smiling into the kiss as she did so. She pulled away. "Because my blender doesn't like me. I think it's hatching a plot against me, you know. It's very mean like that because he's evil."

"Your blender is a he, is he?"

Alice shrugged and then grinned. "Well, yeah. It's haunted by the spirit of a serial killer which means it's more likely to be male, but I haven't gotten around to asking him yet, because I'm afraid he'll bite me."

Helena laughed. "Would you like for me to give him a stern-talking to, then?"

Alice clutched Helena's hand to her chest in a mocking, but decent imitation of fear. "No! He's evil"

"People say I'm evil," Helena said with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Yeah, well, what do they know?" Alice said with a scowl. "They're evil." Alice paused. "I hate people. They're retarded."

Helena chuckled ruefully. "Sometimes I hate people, too." She shivered slightly.

Alice smiled at her and rubbed her arms. "Cold?"

Helena nodded. "A little," she said. She glanced at the sliding glass door which was still open. "Eventually, I'm going to have to close it."

"Noooo," Alice said, snuggling closer to Helena. "Leave it. I don't want to let you go. I'll keep you warm," she said, rubbing Helena's bare arms.

"You said that an hour ago," Helena teased. "But I'm still cold." She grinned at Alice. "Why don't you go wash up, I'll find you something you can change into and by the time you come back, I'll have closed the door and the room will be nice and warm again."

Alice wanted to protest. For the past couple of hours, every time Helena tried to move to close the sliding glass door, Alice wouldn't let her, not wanting to move beyond the borders of Helena's very comfortable bed. Helena having to get out of bed to shut the door and Alice needing to wash up before bed--well, those were unwelcome bits of reality, the ones that made each of them realize that they couldn't just lay entangled in the bed, listening to music and talking all night--they had real lives to get back to in the morning and Alice wanted to put that off for as long as possible. But she also knew that sleep was a necessity. She sighed and kissed Helena, wanting another taste, reluctantly released her hold and pulled away, sitting up. "All right," Alice grumbled. "I'm going to shower."

Helena sat up as Alice sat up. "I'll go get you a towel."

"It's okay, I know where they are," Alice said with a grin. Her hand traced down Helena's bare arm. "You can shower with me, if you want," she said with a suggestive grin. "I mean, I've already seen you naked." She was just kidding, of course, she thought it was a little soon to be showering together and of course, they both knew she was only joking.

Helena's cheeks became tinged with pink as she remembered the day she and Alice went shopping at the Nordstrom's in the Grove. It'd been a Sunday afternoon, and Lulu was back from her boyfriend's apartment a little early and Alice thought it would be fun to take the kids to the Grove to see a special waterworks show scheduled at the fountain at six pm. Alice and Helena shopped at Nordstrom's while Lulu took the children to Pottery Barn Kids to browse some toys before the show. At one point, Helena tried on pants which were too big for her and Alice went off to retrieve the smaller size. Alice forgot to knock, throwing open the door and catching Helena just as the British woman took off the top she was wearing to try on another top. Alice shrieked and immediately slammed the door closed, apologizing profusely for barging in on Helena when all she was wearing was a bra and thong. Though Helena was neither embarrassed of her body nor particularly shy of showing it off, she shrieked in an automatic response to Alice's shriek and it was a little embarrassing considering the hallway of the fitting room was filled with other waiting patrons and sales people, many of whom caught sight of her nearly naked body. "I wasn't really naked," Helena correcting, grumbling as she did so.

Alice grinned. "I'm going to go shower, okay? I'll be right out."

"All right," Helena murmured.

Alice gazed at her intently in silence for a long moment, smiling softly

"What is it?" Helena asked, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious.

Alice smiled affectionately. In actuality, she just wanted to get one more look at Helena before she went off to shower. But then she grinned. "I'm just picturing you naked," she teased.

Helena laughed and gently whapped at Alice's shoulder. "Shower."

"All right, all right," Alice said. She walked out of the bedroom into the hallway to fetch a towel from the linen closet and then walked back into the bedroom. "I can't believe you have a Scooby Doo towel," Alice remarked, walking back into the bedroom with the towel draped over her shoulder. "Doesn't it seem weird to dry yourself off on Shaggy's face?"

Helena made a face. "I never contemplated it," but now that Alice mentioned it, she could fathom it being a little weird. "Why are you using it then?" Helena asked, "we have many other towels. I'll go get one for you," Helena said, walking toward the odor.

Alice stopped Helena with a hand on the British woman's arm. "Hell, no. I'm using this one," she said with a grin. "I'll be right back," she said, kissing Helena on the cheek, knowing that if she kissed Helena on the mouth, she would never get to shower. Alice walked toward the bedroom, leaving Helena standing and staring after her, one hand touching the place on her cheek where Alice's lips had just touched.

Helena walked to the balcony and stared outside for a moment, shivering against the cold. Alice was right--it would be easy to break in if Alice had so easily scaled the trellis and climbed onto the balcony. Helena made a mental note to take care of that. Though Alice nearly gave her a heart attack when she knocked on the sliding glass door, Helena found the gesture exceedingly romantic and sweet, especially when the blonde explained her reasons for doing so, rather than just using the front door like any other person would have. The fact that Alice would be so concerned for her children and Lulu only made Helena fall for Alice more. There was so much falseness in her life--she had the glitter and glamour of her family name, and the fundraising and charity events that went along with it. But so much of her life was false, stylized or affected, but Alice was one of the few real and true things in her life. And Alice had just proved that.

Helena wasn't delusional, of course. She knew that Alice was still dating Dana, that the two had not broken up and Helena would definitely have to share Alice with Dana, probably for quite some time as Alice and Dana sorted out their feelings. But Helena was sure about hers. She loved Alice. It was too early to really say she was in love with Alice, though she felt she was. Intellectually, she knew it was too early in their relationship for it to be so. And she also knew that it was possible this thing with Alice would only break her heart in the end, if the blonde ultimately chose Dana. But she knew one thing: she could believe in Alice and Helena decided then and there, that she would trust in Alice, and follow Alice's lead.

Helena double-checked the lock on the sliding glass door and then shut the curtain. As she did so she noticed something on the ground and grinned at the sight of the purple Post-It. She bent down to pick it up and read it one more time. 'Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?' she read again, grinning. She touched the Post-It to her heart and grinned happily. She walked to her closet and reached up to bring down a poplar hat box with a walnut finish that once belonged to her father. Everything that had ever been important to her, she kept in here. She folded down the sticky side of the Post-It and then carefully dropped it into the box, amidst matchboxes from various restaurants she went to with Alice, movie and concert ticket stubs, and other cherished items. She closed the box and set the box back onto the shelf in her closet, next to the box that contained all her fondest memories of her children. She stared up at them, smiling contentedly. In those two boxes, contained tangible reminders of the best moments of her life. There were times when she wished things could have been different for her, when she'd longed that her mother had been warmer or around more, or her father hadn't died when she was fourteen or a myriad of other things. But at the moment, she couldn't help but think of what a great life she'd had thus far.

She heard Alice laugh in the shower and Helena grinned at the sound and then laughed as well, full of fondness and robust joy. Alice sang and laughed in the shower. The singing was something Helena easily understood, since she did it as well. But the laughing always amused her--what on earth did Alice think about in the shower? Typically, she sounded amused, like she was thinking of some funny joke or story she'd heard or read. But at the moment, Alice sounded… joyful, and Helena knew this because she was laughing in much the same way.

After taking out some appropriate sleep attire from her drawers and laying them out on the bed for Alice, Helena jogged down to the kitchen, hoping she could get it ready before Alice came out of the shower. It was getting late, and they would both have to sleep soon, but the room was still freezing after leaving the sliding glass open for so long. She turned on the heater in the room and decided that they should also have a drink to warm themselves up. Coffee was out of the question, and tea seemed so boring. When the weather cooled down around Thanksgiving, Alice casually remarked to her that the blonde used to enjoy hot buttered rum, but that no one seemed to make it or sell it anymore. The very next day, Helena made a batch of hot buttered rum batter and kept it in her freezer, waiting for a night cold and appropriate enough. For a while, it seemed she would never have a chance to use it, but now seemed like the perfect time. After all, neither of them could go to sleep right away, and they could each have a mug, talk and ease themselves to sleep. Helena thought it was perfect.

The hot buttered rum batter consisted of a mixture of brown sugar, butter, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, cardamom and vanilla-- all ingredients Helena knew Alice liked from a shopping excursion to the World Market. Helena slightly defrosted the batter and then added the rum and hot water and set the two mugs of the steaming liquid on a tray, intending to run it up to Alice.

She set the mugs on the tray and reached into a drawer to get napkins when she felt arms encircle her waist.

Helena gasped loudly in surprise.

"It's just me," Alice murmured sweetly in her ear, her chin resting on Helena's shoulder. "I came looking for you. What're you doing?"

"Alice," Helena said with an exasperated sigh, scowling playfully "I wanted to surprise you," she said, pointing to the mugs.

"Hot buttered rum!" Alice exclaimed. Then she winced and glanced around. "Sorry," she whispered, hoping she didn't wake anyone.

"Quite all right," Helena said quietly.

Alice gazed at the container of batter on the counter, recognizing it instantly as one of the containers she'd purchased with Helena from Organized Living store when the two had gone there to buy supplies to Helena's kitchen and containers to organize the children's bedrooms and play room. "Did you make the batter?" Alice asked quietly, touching it and feeling that it was cold, which meant that Helena had been storing it for a while.

Helena shrugged. "I thought perhaps one day you would like some, and I wanted to have it on hand."

Alice gazed at her, a little speechless. People do not tend to anticipate her needs. But Helena was different. "Thank-you," Alice said, her voice heavy with emotion. She swallowed hard and then took a mug and blew gently before she sipped it. "Jesus, that's good," she murmured contentedly. She touched Helena's cheek. "You're the best."

Helena reached for Alice's mug.

Alice pulled it away. "What're you doing?" Alice asked, with mock suspicion. "I'm the beverage thief in this relationship, remember? You steal food."

Helena rolled her eyes. "I'm not stealing your beverage. I'm putting it on the tray to carry it up."

Alice smiled at her. "I'll carry it," Alice said, placing the mug back and picking up the tray. "Get the lights, okay?" she whispered over her shoulder as she started to walk back to the bedroom.

Helena obliged and followed after her. "You're so adorable when you attempt to be masterful and butch, darling."

Alice turned around, her features set in mock-outrage. "What do you mean attempt," she demanded. "I am very masterful and butch," she declared, though her voice squeaked slightly, causing her to groan and Helena to chuckle throatily, thoroughly amused, but filled with love for this woman she was following to her own bedroom in her own house.

----

When Alice woke up the next morning, Helena was already gone, though there was a note on the pillow. Alice smiled and picked it up, noticing it was on stationery from a non-profit organization whose Friends to the Elderly program Helena funded. Helena had literally thousands of such stationery lying around the house and in her office, tiny gifts from organizations from whom she was a great benefactor.

'Darling,

Come down for breakfast when you are up.

-H'

Alice smiled and rolled onto her stomach and buried her face into her pillow, grinning happily. She finally sat up, still holding onto the note and then stood up and stretched. She tucked the note into her purse, intending to keep it and then walked into the bathroom to brush her teeth--she had her own toothbrush at Helena's house, just as Helena kept a toothbrush at Alice's apartment. Since Alice hadn't used the toothbrush in several weeks, Alice used a new one, which Alice knew Helena stored in the bottom drawer in the bathroom. Once her breath was satisfactorily minty, she wandered down the stairs to find Helena simultaneously serving breakfast, reminding the children to bring home their lunchboxes and quizzing Lulu on French to English translations to help the babysitter prepare for a test in a French class. Alice smiled, watching Helena adroitly multi-task several activities and she realized why Helena was so good at everything she did.

"Morning," Alice called out.

Wilson, Jun Yin and Lulu each looked up. "Good morning to you," they chorused together. "Good morning to you, dear Alice. Good morning to you!" they sang.

Helena chuckled and Alice wandered over to her, poking Helena in the ribs. "You planned that!" she accused playfully.

Helena shrugged and grinned happily. Of course, she had. She hoped Alice would come down before the children went to school. "Sit," she said, indicating a chair where a place had already been set for Alice. Helena exchanged a smile with Lulu. "Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été," she said, setting down a plate of French toast in the middle of the table.

Lulu sighed heavily and paused. "Why do you always make me translate things that are harder than in my actual textbook?"

Helena grinned at her. "It's Camus. It's famous, if you can't read Camus in French--"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Lulu said with an affectionate but exasperated sigh. She stood up to serve up the French toast. "Uhm. It means…'in the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer,' uh…yeah." Lulu said, nodding, satisfied with her answer.
Helena smiled proudly at her. "Good," she said. She touched the back of Alice's head as she put down a plate of turkey sausage on the table and smiled at the blonde, hoping it was clear to Alice why she'd chosen that particular famous line for Lulu to translate. She gathered Alice must have understood her intent, because Alice craned her head back to look at her, her eyes shiny. They gazed at each other for a moment and then Helena looked away and pointed toward the plate of fruit. "Babies, have some fruit, too," she addressed her children to her children.

"God, this French toast is good," Lulu commented, eating a forkful of strawberry cream cheese stuffed French toast. "You're going to make me so fat."

Helena shrugged amiably and she poured the orange juice into a pitcher, straining out the pulp because she knew Alice hated pulp and everyone else at the table was indifferent to it. She brought it to the table. "You're not fat," she said. "And besides, it's winter, so you can be a little fatter, if need be," Helena said a little absently as she took a seat at the table next to Alice who reached over and lightly squeezed Helena's knee. Helena turned to grin at Alice and then resumed her attention to Lulu, smiling at her babysitter. "One more."

"Go."

"'Aujourd'hui maman est mort.'"

Lulu sighed affectionately. "What's with the Camus kick lately, boss?"

Helena shrugged. "If you don't know this one…" Helena shook her spoon warningly at Lulu. "I'm going to beat you," she joked, for that was one of the most famous lines in French literature.

"'Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can't be sure,'" Lulu said drolly.

Helena grinned. "You're ready for your test."

"Well, yeah. Because you make me translate Camus and Sartre and that guy who wrote The Little Prince, which by the way, is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Anyway, you make me translate them, but my professor makes us translate, like, 'Oh, Mark. We're going for a brisk run around the lake, would you like to run with us?'" Lulu burst into laughter.

Helena laughed. "Well, if you're going to get your doctorate in English literature, you need to demonstrate your proficiency in a second language. I'm just making sure you're proficient before you go to grad school," Helena said.

"I know," Lulu said with a happy smile. "The turkey sausage is really good," she commented.

Helena grinned at her. "Lulu, on Thursday evening, you said--"

"Yeah, I know I said you were crazy for making your own sausage, but it's really good."

"You make your own sausage?" Alice murmured grinning at Helena. She'd always thought Helena's food was better than most she'd tried, and she supposed now she knew why. "Do you kill the pig, too, or do you at least leave that to the professionals?"

Helena's cheeks turned a little pink. "It's turkey sausage," she murmured quietly. She liked to cook, and she tried to make things as homemade as possible, that was just her way. But she knew sometimes that it just made her look like a frumpy mother and she did not want to look like a frumpy mother around Alice. Alice never cared about that sort of things--the other times when Alice slept over, she usually helped Helena with breakfast, and they often cooked dinner together, but Helena thought Alice would want a little more excitement in her life. After all, Alice was young, quasi-single, and she had no dependents, so of course Alice would want a little excitement, and well, making one's own turkey sausage certainly did not make the person particularly exciting. "I didn't kill the turkey."

Alice burst into laughter. "'I didn't kill the turkey,'" she quoted, grinning affectionately. "You're cute," Alice commented leaning and planting a kiss on the corner of Helena's mouth.

Helena smiled at her, and the two gazed at one another for a moment before turning their attention back to their plates, only to realize three pairs of eyes were staring at them.

"Alice kissed Mommy," Jun Ying crowed.

"On the mouth!" Wilson added.

Helena and Alice exchanged a glance and smiled.

Helena wanted to wait to tell her children that she and Alice were dating until things were a little more settled between them. But the children already adored Alice, so Helena simply decided she may as well just tell her children. "Babies, Alice and I have decided to date," she announced, knowing they already knew what it meant to date, because she'd explained it to them when she first brought Tina home.

Jun Ying and Wilson laughed together.

"You've been dating Alice forever, Mommy!" Wilson said.

"Yeah," Jun Ying added.

Alice and Helena looked at one another, perplexed, and exchanged a glance with Lulu who shrugged. "What do you mean by that, babies?" Helena asked.

"You've been dating Alice forever now," Jun Ying said. "You're always together," she said. "Like me and my boyfriend," Jun said, grinning impishly. "Of course Alice is your girlfriend, Mommy. Duh."

"Duh," Wilson added.

"Duh," Lulu chimed in, because she'd thought there was more between Helena and Alice than either of them let on, and now they were dating, which Lulu totally knew would happen, because it was just so obvious.

Helena and Alice looked at one another and shrugged. "Duh," they said together, with a laugh.

Everyone resumed eating, and soon Lulu stood up to take the kids to school. "Hey, thanks, Helena," she said pausing to affectionately squeeze Helena's shoulder. "Breakfast was great." She didn't think many bosses would cook a special breakfast for their employee just because the employee had a French test that day. 'French toast, French test, ha' Lulu thought.

"Good luck on your exam," Helena said with a smile. "And don't forget to take some Kleenex for the earphones in the language lab," Helena shuddered. "Thousands of other people use those, it's repugnant. So don't forget to take them. I left a travel pack on the console table by the door."

Lulu rolled her eyes. "Thanks, mom," she said with a fond smile.

Lulu and the children left the house, leaving Helena and Alice alone.

"I still think she has a crush on you," Alice commented, turning her body to face Helena.

"She's a child," Helena protested. "And she likened me to her mother."

Alice smiled at her. "But you're hot."

"She's a child."

"You're seven years older," Alice said wryly, shaking her head affectionately. "You aren't old, silly." She paused, "if you're old, that means I'm old, because I'm fifteen months older than you are." Alice playfully pointed her finger in Helena's face. "You aren't calling me old, are you?"

Helena laughed. "No, never."

"What was that about Jun Ying having a boyfriend?"

"Charlie Petersen."

Alice frowned. "The kid that was chasing her around trying to kiss her?"

Helena nodded.

"Wow," Alice said, a little impressed. "And she's only seven. I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was nine."

Helena laughed. "So what are your plans for today? You're working from home today, aren't you?" Helena knew Alice generally worked at home on Mondays unless she had meetings, and Alice wouldn't be leisurely eating breakfast with her if she had meetings today.

Alice nodded. "Yeah. You're going into the office?" she asked, hoping Helena could possibly get out of it, and they could spend the day together. She wasn't holding her breath though-- it was hard for Helena to play hooky from work given all her responsibilities, deadlines and meetings.

Helena sighed. "Yes." She didn't particularly want to go into the office, but she had no choice. She had several meetings and conference calls scheduled and there were mountains of paperwork she needed to look through.

Alice smiled, though she was a little disappointed. "Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?" she asked softly.

"Of course," Helena said softly.

"Good," Alice said with a pleased grin. "There's a restaurant I want to take you to in Glendale. We can work out the details of our first date tonight," Alice said, leaning forward to kiss Helena.

Helena smiled into the kiss. "Perfect," she breathed, once they broke apart.

"Get ready for work," Alice said softly, stroking Helena's cheek with the back of her right hand. "I'll give you a ride to your office and pick you up there later today so we can go to the restaurant together."

"All right," Helena agreed. She laughed ruefully. "I have to get ready," she said, standing reluctantly.

"Go get ready," Alice said, with a smile. "I'll take care of the dishes while you finish getting ready."

"You don't have to," Helena protested.

"What have I told you about the rule? You cook, so you don't clean. Geez, Helena. Get with the program already."

Helena grinned at her affectionately and glanced at the clock. She would have to hurry, as she was running a little late. "I'll hurry," she said, nearly running out of the kitchen.

Alice watched Helena leave with a fond grin.

Helena came down forty-five minutes later, running down the stairs whilst simultaneously putting her hair up into a bun. Alice watched her run down the stairs, a little amused because Helena swanned in and out of rooms, she didn't run around like a chicken with its head cut off. Alice watched Helena stumble slightly on the third stair from the bottom, her stocking-clad feet slipping on the hardwood.

"Shit!" Alice cried, hurriedly moving toward Helena who'd grabbed onto the rail to prevent herself from falling. "You okay?" she asked anxiously, moving to Helena's side.

Helena was giggling.

"Careful!" Alice said, lightly whapping Helena's back, relieved that the British woman was okay.

"I'm fine," Helena said, standing upright again and sweeping her hair up into a bun. "Let's go," she said, moving down the last three steps and taking Alice's hand. Helena grabbed her bag by the door and the two women left the house, walking to Alice's car.

Alice released her alarm and opened the passenger side door for Helena. "There you are, my lady," she said in a mock baritone, pretending to be a chivalrous knight, bowing playfully.

Helena chuckled. "Thank-you, kind sir," she said in high-pitched tones, placing the back of her wrist to her forehead. She got into the car and Alice shut the door. Helena open the driver's door.

"Thanks," Alice said, in her normal tone of voice. "You know, my brother used to call that 'The Bitch Test,' she commented as she slid into the seat and fastened her seatbelt." Girls who opened the door passed." She put the key in the ignition and they were instantly greeted with the dulcet tones of Hilary Duff. Embarrassed, Alice switched from her CD to the radio.

"Hilary Duff?" Helena asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That song is just infectious," Alice said defensively. "'Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of, hey now hey now, I've got somewhere I belong, I've got someone to love, this is what dreams are made of,'" she sang.

Helena laughed. "I never knew you were such a fan of the young Bubble Gum pop princesses."

"I'm not," Alice denied. "I'm not! My niece made me this CD and sent it to me!"

Helena put her hands out, "you need not explain anything to me," she said, biting her lip to keep from laughing. "Jun Ying likes her, too. Perhaps you two could enlighten me on the Hilary versus uh, that redheaded girl debate."

"Lindsey," Alice supplied, groaning a little when she realized she knew Hilary Duff and Lindsey Lohan had some sort of falling out over the brother of the young one from Backstreet Boys.

Helena laughed heartily.

"You're mean!" Alice exclaimed in mock outrage, which only made Helena laugh harder. Alice pinched Helena's cheek and laughed as well. Alice checked behind her to make sure the road was clear and then put the car into 'drive' and merged into the street.

As she drove, she cast several side-long glances at Helena who was sometimes staring at the road in front of them, and sometimes gazing back at her. Alice grinned. She missed this so much. It'd only been a few weeks, but now she had the real Helena back and for the first time in weeks, Alice felt like everything was okay, that uneasy, restless and slightly hopeless feeling was gone. In its place was a feeling of contentment she was unaccustomed to feeling. It wasn't going to be easy--she knew that. She was dating two women she loved at the same time. She was in love with Dana, but there was no one in the world Alice felt closer to than Helena and she was fairly sure that she would fall in love with Helena, too, because it was already happening. So it meant that someone would get hurt in the end and of course Alice cared about that. She didn't want anyone to get hurt. But oh God, these feelings for Helena. She couldn't ignore them.

Good things in her life have slipped away from her before--important people she just wasn't able to hold onto for one reason or another. And Helena was so important to her. Feeling Helena slip away panicked her, because it happened so many times before and she'd been so sure Helena was different. Because the good things in Helena's life have slipped away from her, too, and Alice knew they were so alike in that respect. So when she felt Helena slip away from her, she was desperate to hold onto Helena, or to at least find out the cause. But now she had Helena back and there was a new, very enjoyable facet to their relationship and though Alice was aware of reality and attune to how those realities will affect her long-term happiness, there was nothing that could spoil the contentment she was feeling at the moment.

Next--->