Saturday Maria had to go to her support group meeting. “Mom, do I really have to go?” she whined.
“Yes, the doctor thinks it will help.”
“But I’m doing fine. I go to treatment, I have friends and family who love me, what do I need to go for? I don’t wanna ‘share’ my feelings anymore.”
“Just go. Maybe you’ll have fun.”
“Sure,” she said sarcastically. Maria would go to therapy. It had helped her last time. The treatment was already affecting her. it had been almost a week. The radiation they gave her mad her tired and nauseous and made her mouth feel dry. She retained more water so her face began to get a little puffy. Michael assured her she was still just as beautiful, but she wasn’t so sure. Maybe it would be good to have people who understood the treatment, and dealt with it first hand.
She drove into the parking lot of the hospital still mad she had to go. ‘You have to have a positive attitude’ her therapist had said to her. she decided she would try to have a good time. Maria slung her purse over her shoulder and strode into the lobby. She went to the front desk to register then found her way to the children’s oncology floor.
The walls were rightly painted with murals and her spirits were raised. She remembered this hall from when she was a kid. She mad her way to the rec room where the meeting was to be held.
People were already milling around the room getting juice and cookies from the snack table. Maria just looked at the room, drinking everything in. The people were all around her age. Some were bald from chemo, others had bins with them in case of an emergency attack of nausea. This shouldn’t be the life of a teenager, she thought. But Maria knew it was the life of many, many kids across America, her being one of them.
Seeing these people gave her hope. She didn’t have it half as bad as most of them and they were still fighting strong. She knew she would be able to make it if she could have even a portion of the courage these other kids did.
Maria made her way to the snack table. She hated how thirsty the radiation made her. as she leaned over to pour herself a glass of fruit punch she heard a friendly voice say, “Hey, my name’s Josh. You new here?”
“Sort of,” she replied smiling in his direction. But when she turned her head to look at him she ended up running into a chest. He was tall, she looked up…and cute.
“Well, I’ve been here almost two years now. Welcome to our happy family.”
“Thanks. Two years? That’s a long time. What you in for?” Maria didn’t know what had possessed her to ask this but he just laughed. He was so easy to talk to.
“Leukemia. How bout you?” he seemed genuinely interested and looked like he actually cared about her answer.
“Brain tumor.” A man walked into the room and people started to sit down. “I guess we should sit.”
“Yeah. Why don’t you sit by me? Make sure you don’t get in trouble.”
“I don’t look that bad do I?” She smiled, trying to look innocent.
“No,” he laughed. She liked his laugh. It was warm and gentle. “Maybe you’ll have to watch out for me.” He directed her to a chair and then sat down at her right.
The chairs were set up in a circle, the leader of the group was sitting straight across from her. to her left was a very nice looking girl. She looked maybe fifteen or sixteen. Maria turned to her since Josh had turned to address the person on his other side.
“Hey,” she said to the girl.
“Hey yourself,” she snapped. Obviously she was not happy to be here. Luckily the leader decided to begin, saving her the embarrassment.
“Ok time to begin,” he said clearing his throat. “We have a few new people this week. Why don’t we go around the circle and say our name, where we are from, and why you are here.”
“We do this every week,” Josh whispered. “Just play along.”
“I’ll try.” Maria listened as everyone went through the introduction formalities. Everyone had different types of cancer and came from so many different places. When they finished people began to chat among themselves until the leader, Mr. Mott, tried to regain control.
“My we have a talkative bunch today,” he commented. “Does anyone have anything they want to discuss? We have an hour, I don’t bite.”
“This week I was told the cancer has spread,” one of the girls spoke up. Maria remembered her name was Julie. Everyone paid attention to her while she spoke. Maria could tell they were listening and not just pretending. They cared and were able to understand. “I’m going to have to go through another round of chemo.”
How could she be so open? Maria didn’t understand how she could tell a bunch of strangers her fears. The girl finished her story and more people spoke up. It was amazing how they shared so many of the same feelings as her. It was like they were living the same life, reading her mind. But in a sense they were. The kids all around her were going through the same thing, they were being alienated from their peers just because some cell in their bodies’ decided to freak. And now they were left hanging, not knowing if they would be alive the next month. It was a cruel fate that no one deserved. But it was what they had been dealt. Now all they could do was wait.
It was like going in circles, never reaching the end or a final decision. There was never a certainty with cancer. The treatment was not guaranteed. No one could say for sure that she would be cured. And all these other people were stuck in the same place. Going round and round, waiting for an end, a resolution, that would never show its face.
Maria listened intently, happy she had come. This was going to help her. When the meeting ended her attitude had totally changed. She felt better about everything that was happening to her. Although she knew it may never be perfect or normal again, she would be ok. Whatever happened, she would make it through.
Maria stood up and turned toward the door. As she hurried from the room she heard Josh say, “Where you going so fast? Think you can leave without saying goodbye?”
“What was I thinking?” she said. She was flattered by his attention. It was nice to have someone actually say something nice to her for a change. Michael, well she loved Michael, but nice was not a word that described him.
“That you would let me take you to lunch after this lovely meeting we just had,” he smiled at her. Her heart jumped. Why was he having this effect on her? Michael was finally hers, she finally had him wrapped around her little finger. How could Josh do this to her? How could he make her palms sweat, her heart race? How did he make her start forget everything that was important? How?
“Oh was I?” Maria tried to keep calm. It was just a crush. She hadn’t felt this way since, well since like fifth grade, but she knew the feeling. It started in your stomach, like little butterflies. Then your stomach exploded and the butterflies escaped, flying to every corner of your body until you were filled with this glorious tickly feeling. Then sweat formed on your palms and the butterflies started to dance around your heart, quickening its pace.
“I think so.” He was pretty cocky, but she liked it.
“Where do you get off telling me what I’m thinking?” She never said she had to be submissive.
“Oooo…well would you like to go to lunch with me.”
“I’d love to,” she said and then paused.
“But…” Josh finished for her, prodding information.
“But, well I guess there is no reason I couldn’t go. Let me call my mom.”
“All right. I give you one minute…starting now.” Maria pulled out her cell phone and punched in her home phone number. The line rang, but no one picked up.
“Damn,” she breathed. “I guess she’s at her boyfriend’s. I’ll go. I’ve got to be home by three.”
“No prob. I was thinking we could go to this little pizza place I know. It’s just around the corner.”
“Sounds good. I’ll follow you.” Josh placed his hand on her back, sending shivers up and down her spine, and led her out of the hospital. Maria walked to her car and waited for Josh to get to his and start it.
The drive there wasn’t long but it seemed the longest ride in her life. She couldn’t get over the feeling Josh gave her. But it was nothing like the sparks Michael ignited.
Maria shook her head and laughed. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She finally meets a nice boy, likes him, he likes her, and still all she can think about is Michael. Everything Josh did she measured to Michael.
She had always tried to convince herself she didn’t need Michael, that he didn’t need her. But no matter what she still loved him. She still was with him, even after all the pain they had put each other through. And now with this whole cancer thing, he was being such a gentleman. He loved her and now the world knew it. And she loved him.
But if she really loved him, how could she feel anything for another boy? She had guy friends, but that was different. Maria never had felt so guilty in her life. And she couldn’t understand where the guilt was coming from. Talking to Josh, going to lunch with Josh, even flirting with him shouldn’t make her feel bad. She wasn’t cheating on him.
The emotions she harbored for Michael were special, one of a kind. She could never feel so much love for anyone else. Could she?
When they pulled into the parking lot of the small restaurant Maria was not so sure about it anymore. Her own thoughts had confused her. ‘It’s not a date,’ she tried to convince herself. With a deep breath, she seemed to be taking lots of those lately; she opened the car door and walked over to meet up with Josh.
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