Deep Thought

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Deep Thought

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Deep Thought

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Deep Thought

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

Deep Thought

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"

Deep Thought

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

Deep Thought

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some really good ideas.

Deep Thought

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Deep Thought

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Deep Thought

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

Deep Thought

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Deep Thought

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep Thought

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Deep Thought

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep Thought

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're GONE.

Deep Thought

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if is didnt zigzag?

Deep Thought

If the woman who's delivering your wife's baby doesn't show up at the crucial time, would you call that a midwife crisis?

Deep Thought

Do you ever get confused when someone tries to tell you where something is by using "clock terminology"? ("nice butt at 3 o'clock") Is that am or pm?

Deep Thought

They say you can't take it with you but what if IT really wants to go? I'll probably end up taking it with me just to get it to shut up.

Deep Thought

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Deep Thought

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Deep Thought

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're ok, you're it.

Deep Thought

If Iím swimming in the ocean and I run across a shark, I hope I have a cigarrette. Because, man, Iím gonna need a cigarrette.

Deep Thought

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Deep Thought

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!

Deep Thought

When I went to the top of the World Trade Center, I had to have a snack. I get that way when I'm high.

Deep Thought

The man who can smile when things go wrong has already thought of someone he can blame it on.

Deep Thought

If bones were found on the moon, does that mean the cow didn't make it?

Deep Thought

One tequila...Two tequila...Three tequila...FLOOR

Deep Thought

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Deep Thought

I tend to gravitate toward songs with lyrics that REALLY make me think, songs like Kiss's "I want to rock and roll all night and party every day."

Deep Thought

If I was in a building and they told us we had to evacuate because there was a tornado coming, I'd probably take whatever I was working on with me because who's ever gonna go for the "It got blown away in a tornado" excuse?

Deep Thought

I wanna know who the person was that had the foresight to call them "Disc Jockeys"?

Deep Thought

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Deep Thought

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Deep Thought

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Deep Thought

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

Deep Thought

Nobody goes there anymore....it's too crowded!!

Deep Thought

A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing.

Deep Thought

A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Deep Thought

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass....

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