Joke Of The Week

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS.....

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this, too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Joke Of The Week

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." "What have you done Tommy O'Connor?" "I had sex with a girl." "Who was it, Tommy?" "I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was." "Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin." "Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe." "No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin." So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph. "Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

Joke Of The Week

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy s extended arm and said, I m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior . Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird s attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?

Joke Of The Week

Ole & Sven went fishing one day and snagged a Geine's bottle. The Genie said he would grant one wish. Ole said, "I wish all this water around the boat was beer." The wish was granted and the whole lake turned into beer. Then Sven said, "Now you did it Ole, now we gotta piss in the boat."

Joke Of The Week

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. Doctor comes in and informs dad that his "son" was born without torso, arms, or legs! Son is just a "head". But dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy!

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again! The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay... Swooop! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild!

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again! The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair... By now the boy is getting tipsy and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it... Swoop! Two legs pop out! The bar is in chaos! The father thanks God!

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street where a truck runs into him and kills him! The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and says, "How can you be so cold and callous?" The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head... "

Joke Of The Week

"What a coincidence!"

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis". After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink". She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying, I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked, "How did you ever accomplish that!?". "I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.

The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

Joke Of The Week

Marv Albert Theme Song Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear

(sung to the tune of Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things - the wife is missin, Didn't ask - her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy, Little straps - like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin, He pretends that I am Murphy Brown, He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town"

Later on, if you wanna, We can dress - like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' round in women's underwear.

Joke Of The Week

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

Joke Of The Week

A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front.

A young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00." The patient could not help but ask; "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."

Joke Of The Week

WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4. Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator.

7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"

8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"

10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Four friends are out playing golf. One of them is in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

Joke Of The Week

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter but now owns his own design and contracting firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year, he was able to give his good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful in fact, in the last six months, he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell you the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser and I've recently just discovered that he is a practicing homosexual. But on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates!"

Joke Of The Week

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

Joke Of The Week

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Joke Of The Week

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Joke Of The Week

A doctor and a lawyer in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the lawyer offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. As the lawyer started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked, "Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?" "Of course I am," replied the lawyer, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."

Joke Of The Week

Sailors Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Joke Of The Week

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if everything was fine. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"

Joke Of The Week

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS."

Joke Of The Week

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'." "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

Joke Of The Week

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Joke Of The Week

The Top Twenty World's Shortest Books:

20. Mike Tyson's Guide to Conflict Resolution

19. Al Gore: The Wild Years

18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

17. America's Most Popular Lawyers

16. Career Opportunities for History Majors

15. Detroit - A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. French Hospitality

7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

6. How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Book

And the number one World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

HORRIBLESCOPES

Aries Mar.21-Apr.19 You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

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Taurus Apr.20-May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a god-damned communist.

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Gemini May 21-June 20 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for incest.

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Cancer June 21-July 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to others people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

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Leo July 23-Aug.22 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-f@#!*! and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

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Virgo Aug.23-Sept.22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep during sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

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Libra Sept.23-Oct.21 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

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Scorpio Oct.22-Nov.21 The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

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Sagittarius Nov.22-Dec.21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

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Capricorn Dec.22-Jan.19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should stay home, out of the way of everybody else.

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Aquarius Jan.20-Feb.18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

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Pisces Feb.19-Mar.20 You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Joke Of The Week

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.

Joke Of The Week

What's the difference between a tire and a 1000 rubbers??

One's a Goodyear, the other's a GREAT Year!!

Joke Of The Week

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"

The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"

Joke Of The Week

There was an old woman who was upstairs cleaning her attic. Her favorite cat was sitting with her as she did. She found an old lamp she had never seen before. She thought the lamp was unique so she decided to polish it. Well, she started polishing it and all of a sudden, a genie popped out. "I shall grant you three wishes," he said. The woman said, "I want to turn young again, I want to become rich, and I want my cat to turn into a prince." There was a big puff of smoke and she found herself young and glamorous, surrounded by riches, and her cat had turned into a handsome prince with his arms outstretched and she melted into his embrace. Then he said, "Now, aren't you sorry you got me neutered?"

Joke Of The Week

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life." Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. ...

A week later, and the couple are on their honeymoon... His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this? It's never been seen by a man before."

So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this? It's not even out of the crate yet!"

Joke Of The Week

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Joke Of The Week

Q: How many pot smokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 13, one to hold the lightbulb and the other 12 to smoke until the room starts to spin.

Joke Of The Week

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key."

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OOH GOD...they got me girlfriend too!!

Joke Of The Week

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Joke Of The Week

There was this parrot. It was a very intelligent parrot and knew about 150 words, including its address and phone number in case it got lost. Now one day this parrot was very bored. The owner had gone out to work, so the parrot didn't know what to do with itself.

Suddenly it sees the telephone. Now it has seen its owner use the phone, so it jumps down, knocks the reciever off and dials a number. To the parrot's surprise it makes a buzzing noise. Suddenly someone anwers saying "Hello, John's concrete. Would you like some concrete?"

"Yes", replies the parrot. "How much concrete would you like?" asks John. "45" "45 tons?" "Yes"

The parrot then rattles of the address. About 5 O'clock the owner gets home and sees concrete everywhere. It's on his prize roses, on his lawn, on the garden gnome.

"That BLOODY parrot" curses the owner and he goes and nails each of its wings to the front door, forcing it to look at the mess it has made. After two days it's Sunday and there is a church across the road. The parrot suddenly looks up and sees the staue of Jesus with the sun shining upon it.

"Hello" the parrot says. "Hello my son" a voice from the heavens says. "How long have you been up there?" "Almost TWO THOUSAND years" "SHIT you must of ordered a lot of concrete!!"

Joke Of The Week

A girl says to her doctor, "You have to help me. I hurt all over." She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, "Ow! That hurts." She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, "Ouch! That hurts, too." She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, "Ow! Even that hurts." The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?" She says, "Yes." The doctor says, "You have a sprained finger."

Joke Of The Week

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Forty Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," says the boy.

"Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Cowboys fan." The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck Bastard Kills Family Pet."

Joke Of The Week

A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. She has very hairy armpits.

The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink." She gets her drink and goes away. Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender,"Get the ballerina another drink." She gets her drink and goes away again.

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before. The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."

Joke Of The Week

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on 5 different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and pulled away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights, and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

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