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Elsewhere: that dubious place that isn't school or church. You have to wonder where Little Johnny lives, to be able to walk city streets with impunity. Or don't wonder. Doesn't matter to me, really. Just enjoy the jokes.





Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality.
His dad sez, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom sez, "Well, yes, I suppose I would."
His dad then sez, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does this too, and Sis sez, "Yes, I suppose I would."
Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad sez, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."



Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after looking down, he said "What's that?", pointing to her pubic area. "That's my sponge", says his mother. "Oh, OK", said Johnny.
A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into hospital for an appendectomy. When she came out she had her pubic area shaved.
Johnny, upon seeing this, said to his mother, "Where is your sponge?" His mother replied, "It's OK, I've just lost it. It will turn up somewhere."
A little while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to his mother, "Mum, I've found your sponge." "Where?", says his mother, wondering where Johnny could have found it.
"It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face."



Little Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"
And Little Johnny replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"




Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather curious. He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy friend. This he did. The following morning he described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her heart just like a doctor would, except hes not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart..
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot..
Finally, i found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake..
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started graning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them..
After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I know it was dead, because it just hung ther, limp and some of its insides were hanging out..
Sis and her boyfreind were a little tired from the battle, but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives...
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.. After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet..
Johnny's mother fainted.




One day Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating some M & M's with his kitty cat in his lap. An elderly old gentlemen sat down across from Little Johnny and was enjoying the bright sunny day, when he noticed Little Johnny, wiggling and squirming and doing mighty strange things on the opposite bench.
Little Johnny would pop an M&M into the air, catch it in his mouth, pick up his kitty cat and take a bite of it, then scoot his little butt along the park bench.
The elderly old gent, couldn't quite understand what the little boy was doing, so called over to the youngster and said, "Son, what are you doing?"
As Little Johnny threw another M&M in the air, took a bite out of his kitty cat and scooted further down the bench, he said to the elderly gentlemen, "I am playing truck driver."
"Truck driver, you don't say," the old gent said, wondering where this youngster got his imagination. Little Johnny continued to throw an M&M in the air, catch it in his mouth, take a nip out of the squirming kitty cat, and then scooted further along the park bench.
Finally after watching this activity for quite some time, the old gent, who just couldn't figure out how *that* was playing truck driver, called over to Little Johnny and said, "Son, I don't understand how you're playing truck driver, could you explain the game to me?"
Little Johnny, a polite youngster, said "Certainly sir, first I pop some pills (he throws an M&M in the air and catches it in his mouth), then I eat some pussy (takes a bite out of the kitty cat), then I move on down the road, (he scoots along the park bench)."




Little Johnny's father was a travelling salesman and travelled quite a bit.
One night, Johnny's dad came home quite late, when little Johnny was in bed and already asleep. Johnny's dad, being on the road quite a bit, grabbed Johnny's mother into the bedroom. Little Johnny, hearing the noise and his father's voice, got up and went into his parent's bedroom and called "daddy, daddy!".
Well, Little Johnny's dad WAS on top of mommy - but since he had not seen his son for awhile, told Johnny to hop on board and we'll all go for a ride!
Well, Little Johnny's hops and board and all is fine until mommy starts moaning - and Little Johnny starts getting scared. But when mommy started grunting and screaming - Little Johnny yells "Hold on tight daddy, this is where the postman bucked me off!"




Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises oming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on.
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. "I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father."
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"




Little Johnny walks in on his grandmother having a shower. He asks her what is that? She replies "Oh! That is my beaver". The next day Little Johnny walks in on his mother having a shower. He then asks her what is that? She replies "Oh! That is my beaver". Johnny retorts "Oh! Grandma has one of those too. But, I think it is DEAD; its tounge was hanging out!"




Every day on the way to school, Little Johnny passes these three women. And ever day, they wave to him and say "Hiiii, Little Johnny" and wiggle their pinky fingers at them.
One day, after this has been going on for a while, Little Johnny decides to finally ask them why they wiggle their pinkies at him every morning. He finally walks up to them and asks, "When you say hi to me every morning, why do you wiggle your pinkies?"
The women laugh and answer, "Because that's the size of your little pecker."
Little Johnny walks away, very mad at them. The next day on the way to school, the women see him and say "Hiii, Little Johnny" and wiggle their pinkies at him. So Little Johnny stretches his mouth open wide with his fingers and says, "Hi, ladies."




Little Johnny was walking down the road swearing his head off, "fuck this, fuck that", when he met a priest. The priest said, "Little Johnny, you shouldn't be swearing like that;God will hear you. God is everywhere".
Little Johnny asked, "God is everywhere?" The priest replied, "Yes, God is everywhere."
Little Johnny asked, "Is God behind that telephone pole?" The priest replied, "Yes, God is behind that telephone pole;God is everywhere."
Little Johnny asked, "Is God behind that truck?" The priest replied, "Yes, God is behind that truck;God is everywhere."
Little Johnny asked, "Is God in my uncle Harry's basement?" The priest replied, "Yes, God is in your uncle Harry's basement;God is everywhere."
Little Johnny yelled, "You fuckin' liar, my uncle Harry doesn't have a basement!!"
Submitted by Sam




Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your fuckin' lazy ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Submitted by Leigh




Little Johnny and his friends are walking home from school one day and as they're walking home they happen to walk past a fence with a hole in it. They look through it and see a woman sunbathing in the nude. Little Johnny screams and runs away. His friends are puzzled and continue home.
The next day they walk past the same fence and sure enough, they see the same woman sunbathing in the nude. Again, Little Johnny watches for a few minutes and screams and runs away. His friends want to know whats going on and decide up a plan to find out.
The next day they walk by the same fence and see the woman sunbathing in the nude again. Little Johnny screams and just as he's about to run away one of his friends grab him.
"What's going on with you?" they said. Little Johnny replied "My mom said if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone, and I felt a part of me getting awful hard..."
Submitted by Josh




Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his dad got tired of it, so he went to a doctor about it. The doctor said that when he went home, to ask Little Johnny what he wanted for Christmas, and that every time Little Johnny cussed to leave a pile of dog shit in it's place.
So his daddy went home and asked Little Johnny what he wanted for Christmas. Little Johnny said "Well, I want a goddamn teddy bear laying beside me in bed on Christmas day, and I also want a son of a bitch electric train riding around the Christmas tree wen I g down stairs on Christmas day, and to finish, I want a goddamn bike laying beside the garage on Christmas day."
On Christas day Little Johnny woke up and rolled over in a pile of dog shit. He went downstairs and saw a ring of dog sit around the Christmas tree. When he went outside he saw a huge, huge pile of dog shit beside the garage. He went back inside and his daddy was up and his daddy asked Little Johnny what he got for Christmas. Little Johnny said "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the son of a bitch anywhere!"
submitted by Josh


Little Johnny was at a nude beach with his parents and he asked his father about the size of penises. His father said "Well, Johnny, if they're big they're smart and if they're small they're dumb." About 20 minutes later Johnny's dad says, "Where is your mum." Johnny says, "She is with some dumb guy but he is getting smater and smarter by the minute."
Submitted by Trudy


One night, Little Johnny was overheard by his parents during his bed-time prayers. "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
His parents were wondering what that was all about, and they found out the next morning when they received news that Little Johnny's grandfather had passed away in the old folks home.
That night, they eavesdropped on Little Johnny's prayers again. "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." Sure enough, the next day, they were told that Little Johnny's grandmother had passed away in her sleep.
That night only the father eavesdropped on his son's prayers. "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
The father was shocked. The next day, he took all the necessary precautions, he drove slowly to work, avoided all sorts of accidents and came back home early for once. When he returned home, he found his wife in tears.
"You would never believe it, dear...This morning, the milkman just dropped dead in our front porch!"


One day, Little Johnny went to a whorehouse. A prostitute there saw him walk in, with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. Johnny said, "I want a whore with herpes!"
The prostitute was astonished and said, "Sonny, this place is clean, we ain't got herpes or anything."
Johnny took out a fifty dollar bill, slapped it on the counter and said, " I want a whore with herpes!"
The prostitute, seeing the money, decided to give in. "Well, you're just in luck, we happen to have one upstairs." She gave him directions and upstairs he went, dragging the dead frog behind him.
A few minutes later, he came back down, with the frog. The prostitute couldn't help but ask Johhny, "Sonny, why did ya want ta have a whore with herpes?"
Little Johnny turned to her and said, "After this, I'm going home to screw the maid and pass the herpes to her...Then my father, when he comes back, he's going to screw the maid, and get it. then later tonight, he's going to screw my mom, and tomorrow morning, she's going to screw the milkman, and the milkman is going to get herpes because he ran over my frog this morning!"


The teacher was giving out homework to do, and one of them was to find out the meaning of tough words. Little Johnny was asked to find out what democracy was.
Little Johnny went home and asked his father. "Dad, what is democracy?"
His father paused for a while an said, "Well, son, I'm not going to answer that question. But I'm going to give you a hint...You're mother is the Government, I'm Capitalism, the maid is the Working Class, you're the People and your little baby brother is the Future. Do you get it now, son?"
Little Johnny shakes his head.
"Okay, why don't you sleep on it for a while, and tell me tomrrow..."
So Little Johnny went to sleep. But he was awakened in the middle of the night by his little brother's crying. He waited for a while but no one went to him, so Little Johnny got up and went to see what was wrong with his brother. It turned out that his brother had just shitted in his pants, and need a change, so he went to the maid's door and knocked on it. Receiving no answer, he peeped through the keyhole and saw his father screwing the maid, and they were too engrossed to hear his knocks. So Little Johnny went to his mother's room and knocked on the door. Receiving no answer still, he peeped through the key hole and saw his mother deeply asleep. By now, his brother had cried himself to sleep, so he decided to go back to bed.
The next morning, his father asked him. "So, have you figured out what democracy means yet?"
Little Johnny paused thoughtfully and nodded his head.
"Good, let's hear it then."
"While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sleeping, the People is ignored and the Future is full of shit!"


Little Johnny is in the fourth grade. He comes home from school one day with a note from the teacher. He gives the note to his mom who is a beautiful, sexy, buxom woman. The note says, "Dear Mrs. Jones, Johnny seems confused about the differences between boys and girls."

Mom reads the note and says, "Johnny, come with me." She takes him to her bedroom and closes the door. After they are alone, she says, "Johnny, take off my blouse." He does so with quivering hands. She says, "Now take off my skirt." He does so. She says, "Now take off my bra." He does so and is perspiring freely. She says, "Now take off my panties." He does so and begins to whimper.

Mom raps him sharply across his ass and says, "Listen you little shit, don't you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

A guy's walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, 'Kid, you're too young to smoke. How old are you?' Johnny says, 'Six.' The guy says, 'Six? When did you start smoking?' Johnny says, 'Right after the first time I got laid.' The guy says, 'Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?' Johnny says, 'I don't remember. I was drunk.'A guy's walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, 'Kid, you're too young to smoke. How old are you?' Johnny says, 'Six.' The guy says, 'Six? When did you start smoking?' Johnny says, 'Right after the first time I got laid.' The guy says, 'Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?' Johnny says, 'I don't remember. I was drunk.'



Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are. The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!" The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"



A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."


Mrs Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it. She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always have some "unusual" picture in mind. So she starts with Jane. Jane: "This is our House" 
 
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The teacher: "Good, Jane!" and asks Peter to draw next: Peter: "This is our Housedoor" 
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The teacher: "Very good, Peter" and calls Mary: Mary: "This is our house roof" 
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The teacher: "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie: Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house." 
 
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The teacher: "very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks Johnny to come to the board. Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower. 
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Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a whileJohnny stands up and pulls down his shorts. He says, "Boys are better than girls 'cause you haven't got one of these!"
Jane looks at him in astonishment. She knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face.
"My mum says girls are better than boys," she says.
"No they're not," says Johnny, who again pulls down his shorts. "You haven't got one of these!"
Jane looks at him. Then she raises her skirt, pulls down her panties, and says, "My mum says that as long as I've got one of these I can have as many of those as I want!"


Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"



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