Alcoholic Smiley's List of Accomplishments

Alcoholic can drink an entire pint of whiskey, by himself, in just under 10 minutes.
Alcoholic can go for up to six days without eating, if he has beer.
Alcoholic gets a check once a month.
Alcoholic is known by every bartender in his town as a heavy drinker.
Alcoholic can drink an entire fifth of liquor, by himself, in just under one hour.
Alcoholic can drink 100 beers at one sitting.
Alcoholic doesn't take any lip off of his wife.
Alcoholic doesn't cause anyone, except his wife, any trouble.
Alcoholic hasn't had a job since he was 21.
Alcoholic beats his wife daily.

A Day in the Life

of Alcoholic Smiley

9:30am Alcoholic wakes up and makes a mixed drink.
9:35am Alcoholic makes himself another mixed drink.
9:40am Alcoholic drives to the neighborhood grocery store and buys a twelve-pack of Black Label Beer.
10:02am Alcoholic drinks three beers in the grocery store's parking lot.
10:30am Alcoholic stops at the liquor store and buy a half gallon of Kessler and two 2 liter Mountain Dews.
11:08am Alcoholic drinks two beers in the liquor store' parking lot.
11:45am Alcoholic gets home and drinks a seven beers while he watches The Jerry Springer Show.
12:00pm Alcoholic takes a shower.
12:10pm Alcoholic pours himself a Kessler and Dew.
12:20pm Alcoholic grabs the bottle of Kessler and begins slugging from it.
12:55pm Alcoholic blacks out.
2:30pm Alcoholic comes to sitting in the liquor store's parking lot.
2:35pm Alcoholic purchases a fifth of Evan Williams 100 proof whiskey.
2:40pm Alcoholic opens the bottle and slugs from it.
3:00pm Alcoholic gets back home.
3:15pm Alcoholic's wife gets home and finds him in the living room, drunk, of course.
3:30pm Alcoholic punches his wife in the mouth and calls her a no-good whore.
4:00pm Alcoholic tries to make up with his wife by initiating sex with her.
4:15pm Alcoholic gets mad and cusses at his wife because his penis won't get erect.
4:30pm Alcoholic finishes the bottle of Evan Williams.
5:00pm Alcoholic tries to watch television, but can't see the screen.
5:30pm Alcoholic starts puking.
8:00pm Alcoholic finally stops puking and decides to eat a can of Spagheti-O's.
8:10pm Alcoholic starts puking again.
8:30pm Alcoholic passes out, still hugging the toilet bowl.