October through December, 1998:

Many doctor appointments. Should it stay or should it go? My decision. I absolutely cannot tolerate the insanity that comes with progesterone therapy. I wish someone would have told me when I was 14 how dangerous it was to go without periods. I can't tolerate more D&Cs, uterine biopsies, ovarian cysts, etc. When will I menstruate, and how light or heavy will it be? Any time we have a vacation/romantic weekend/whatever planned, you can be sure I'll either be bleeding, spotting, or in pain with a cyst. It has come to the point I don't even complain about the pain anymore; you just get used to it. My husband has been very understanding, but he's fed up. I am really doing this for us. I am afraid. I am more afraid about what it might do to my sex drive. Sex is as important to me as it must be to any man. I will not give that up. However, my uterus is sick and needs to live in a jar, or somewhere outside of MY body.

15 January 99:

Okay! "QCW" is tomorrow (Quarterly Chick's Weekend), and boy, do I need this...a "Goodbye to My Uterus" party. Had great sex tonight. Will it be the same?

16 January 99:

Mary Ann and I drive to the boat for QCW. Meet up with Linda, Edna, Tammy and Sue. The party starts at 11:00 a.m. I have one beer, and dump the second in the lake; my stomach hurts after dropping the boat keys in the lake. I call Fang and apologize. My mind is f**ked up. Have fun, okay? You can do it. I watch the girls eat shrimp. I have cramps so bad I can't f**king take it. Within 20 minutes I'm ready to barf. Third beer goes unopened. Yes, I'm keeping count; it's all about control, isn't it? Even drinking. I call Fang, wake him up (he worked that night), and tell him I don't feel good. He says I'll be okay. I tell him to call me in a little while. Another 15 minutes, and I'm barfing up my morning bagle, five tortilla chips, and one beer. I cannot move. Mary Ann calls Steve to drive out and get us. Susan and her daughter drive a boat over to my boat and pick me up while Mary Ann ties to not drive my SUV into the lake. Halfway up the lake road, Mary Ann hails Steve down. He takes over the wheel of my car, while Mary Ann drives Steve's car. Almost home, barfing my guts up into a garbage bag (thanks for double-bagging, Tammy!). I cannot sit up straight, or I will barf. We get to my house, Fang drives me to the emergency room. We spend seven hours watching me count poppy seeds in my barf - they move me, I barf. Two doses of Fenergin (sp?) in my IV and intramuscular don't stop the barfing. I am cathed, x-rayed, ultrasounded, prodded and probed. They say "gastroenteritis", which means "we don't know". They say my uterus and ovaries look fine. Gee, that's the first time in ten years. They keep asking me stupid questions: "Why are you having a hysterectomy this week?".....Me: "Because I just am, okay?". We go home. I feel like sh*t.

17 January 99:

My throat is burned from barfing bile. Not comfortable. Will I be able to have the surgery on the 20th? I am afraid if I delay it, I won't have it done. I am very groggy and tired from the anti-nausea drugs, and sleep most of the day.

18 January 99:

Went to work this morning. Finished up all pending projects, and left apologies for a few things undone. I will have access to my office via computer, so I guess it will all be okay. The world will spin without me for six weeks. I run back and forth to the bathroom, passing clots, feeling absolutely miserable. Coffee, soup, and popsicles. The phones ring incessantly, people knock on the door, and try to pull it open. We are closed! It is a holiday! There is a sign on the door! Idiots! I pretend I'm not there. I do open the door for a delivery man. I feel sorry for him. I don't feel sorry for anyone else. Except for myself. As I put the final item in a box to take home, I sit in my office chair, lay my head on my desk, and cry for ten minutes. Can I bill for that?

I will miss my desk the most.

At bedtime, I remind Fang that this is the last night we can have intercourse for six weeks. He, of course, is game. We should have quit with the Friday night sex, as it was great and this is just mediocre. It's almost sad sex.

19 January 99:

Woke up this morning, had a cup of coffee, and greeted this day, the last with my uterus. I looked around me and had to make a decision: What would bother me the most for the next six weeks, the dirty floor or the unpruned roses? The roses won, and I spent 30 minutes in my beautiful garden, clearing away the dead, making room for the new. The daffodils are sprouting up from the winter soil, showing that Spring will soon be here. Since I'm on a clear liquids only diet today, I can't expend much energy physically; so I am reflective most of the day, doing in my mind what I did this morning in my garden.

Mary Ann and Steve visit this evening, and I have many phone calls afterwards. Happy, happy, make me laugh.

It's after 10:00 now. I light one solitary candle, where usually I have at least three, sometimes many more. My husband sleeps. I meditate and spend these final hours alone. This is a good thing. Some things are better not shared.

20 January 99:

Wake up, shower, dry my hair, pack last minute things, rush to the hospital. Then I get to sit and wait. I don't like the way you have to wait here, wait there, not one of my better experiences. This allows me to get very nervous and anxious. I try to laugh it off. My surgery was scheduled for 10:00, now is moved to 10:30. At 10:40 I still have not met with the anesthesiologist; I understand he is in another surgery, which must have been an emergency surgery as I don't see his name scheduled for anyone else. Finally he arrives, we talk, he doesn't think he can prevent my nausea afterwards. I ask for a happy shot. I get it. As the shot starts to work, and we prepare to go to surgery, I ask the anesthesiologist and the surgical nurse if they sing. "No!", they reply. I tell them we have to sing. They ask what kind of music I like. "Classical, heavy metal, alternative rock, world music, angry chick music, reggae........" I hear laughter tinkling off in the distance.

I wake up. My stomach hurts. My husband is pretending to smile at me. I tell a nurse she is annoying me. I vomit about a teaspoon of acid. I try to decide if it is better than bile. I drift off. I wake to three family members smiling and waving at me. I wave back. I am in a big hospital room. Everyone says what a lovely LARGE room. I wonder how far it is to the bathroom.

21 January 99:

Hey! Who hit me in the gut with a baseball bat? Still nauseated, although, honestly, the pain is much less than I anticipated. Besides, I have a morphine pump! Who needs (or cares) once they have that? Doc comes by, tells me I had a lot of scar tissue, and the right ovary was actually much worse than the left, and he did not feel comfortable leaving it behind. They remove the catheter and the IV (once I get once last pump in me). I get up and pee every 30 minutes, afraid that my peehole will stick shut. They always get you scared about things that don't happen. I get up and walk every two hours. We switch to vicodin. Seven hours later I ask how often I can get that pain med. They inform me I can have it every three to four hours. Wish someone would have told me that three hours ago.....Fang and his mom visit; she bought me a new cotton robe. My mom visits and brings a cute card. The boss and his wife send the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. My TV plays 24 hours. Don't touch it!

22 January 99:

I wake, and actually don't feel half bad. I get to eat a real breakfast! Doc comes by, says I can go home tonight! Is it too early? He doesn't think so. I walk, sleep, eat, drink 50,000 containers of juice (Goddess' Majic Cocktail: Cranberry, Apple and Grape Juice - ensures a healthy urinary tract, bowel, and bloodstream). I weigh myself. Hey! I've gained five pounds since Friday! Aren't I lucky? This is on top of the ten hormonal pounds I gained in December. Oh, well, it's only fat......Mom brings by six beautiful long-stemmed white Pascali roses. Fang is nervous about me coming home so soon. I feel better about it by 5:00.......Let's go! But first, let's get a hormone shot.....

We arrive home at 7:30 p.m. I try to sit in the recliner, and realize I cannot reach the handle to get up and down. Mom-in-Law and I watch "The Apostle" with Robert Duvall. I must go to bed; the chair is no longer comfortable.

I am in tears by 2:30 a.m. Fang keeps snoring, and I think I pulled something trying to get up. It's much harder without a button to bring the back of the bed up and down. Fang leaves for work, I finally fall asleep at 5:00 a.m.

23 January 99:

I wake at 8:30 a.m., nauseated as hell. I can hardly brush my teeth or wash my face; I fight back vomit. I really hurt. I crawl back to bed and take a compazine, as I cannot bear the thought of throwing up even one more time.

Once the nausea passes, Fang helps me wash my long hair in the sink. "You have to wash it twice. Scrub the scalp without knotting the hair. Pull the shampoo suds through the hair. Yes, use three-quarters of a cup of conditioner. The water is too cold. The water is too hot. Don't 'rub' my hair. Blah, blah, blah". God, what a BITCH!!!

I get a good look at my stomach in the mirror. Oh, now, THAT is attractive!

24 January 99:

Still a bad night, but better than Saturday night. How come the pain is worse now than three days ago? I shower, Fang stands by. He lotions my legs. Poor guy.

I think he's sick of this sh*t already.

25 January 99:

A better night. I still only sleep one to two hours at a time, but I know that's normal with the painkillers. Besides, what else do I have to do? I am starting to dole the painkillers out like a junkie; I only have seven left. Will the doc give me more? I am going sometimes eight hours between them, which is ridiculous.

I see the doc at 2:30 and get my staples removed. No, this does not hurt. The doc comes in with the pathology report in his hand; things were worse than we originally thought. If they had left the right ovary, they would have have had to do a second surgery, because of endometriosis, and I would still be in pain. Here's the rundown: I had endometriosis of the left ovary, with multiple inclusion and follicular cysts, lots of scar tissue on that tube, and a hole in it. Right ovary was hemorrhagic with organizing blood clots, multiple inclusion cysts, and endosalpingiosis. Fibroids and a large polyp in the uterus. Chronic cervicitis and focal squamous metaplasia. Doc says we did a good thing at the right time. I just love him. He tells me what a nice muscular flat stomach I have (while I'm laying down, I might add), and then tells me 15 minutes later that once I am recovered I will have to lose weight and get plenty of exercise. Just like a man, huh? He also reminds me that I have obviously overdone it already, and that I can get up and walk, just not every hour. I must take it easy, no lifting whatsoever; I am to do nothing.

I get my painkillers refilled (thank you!), and get a prescription for a low dose (.9 mg) of Premarin filled, which I am to start on 1 February.

I go home and clean the kitchen sink. Three times.

26 January 99:

I feel pretty good! BUT not when I first wake up; that takes about 30 minutes, hunched over, attempting to get my mind somewhere over the top of my body. I'm not sleeping well....I go to sleep sometime after 2:00 a.m. and wake at 8:00 a.m. However, I can deal with this; what the hell else do I have to do? BE SOMEWHERE on time? I don't think so......

Received a "get well" card from Aunt Dee and Uncle Cecil....really cute!

I shave my legs, sitting on a footstool, one leg at a time in a warm water bin that Fang brings to me. How the hell am I gonna do my bikini line? I'll figure that out in a few days. For now, it is just a relef to get hair off my legs. It is one truly feminine thing about me; I must be virtually hair-free.

Tonight I do some work for the office.....it is very involved and sort of a rush....logging on to my computer at work and typing that way is very S - L - O - W. I really do not have that kind of patience. But, maybe this will be good for me.

I sit at that computer for three hours. What a mistake! I can hardly stand when I'm done, and actually fall asleep before 1:00 a.m.

27 January 99:

OMIGOD! That three hours was not good! Today I am really paying for it. After all, surgery was just a week ago today, and I was ill before that. When I'm dead and gone, there will not be people saying, "Well, you know, that Goddess was a strong one. She did legal pleadings six days after major surgery." I really don't think anyone will give a sh*t 10 years from now. I must learn to put things in perspective. But, I guess if these things are a priority for me, I should do them now; otherwise, I would knock myself for it later.

I receive a "get well" card from Mr. M. at work. He's so sweet. He signs his FULL NAME (as if I would not recognize the handwriting), and puts "XXOOX!" at the bottom. I think it is a University of Arizona football play.

By 10:15 I hurt so bad on my lower right side, I can hardly stand. Is it my missing appendix that the doc couldn't find? I take two painkillers. I lay down. I talk on the phone, from my back. This is good. I find I can be controlling from bed, without sexuality.

Fang washes my hair at 5:00. Thanks, baby, I love you. I feel much better.

At 5:25, I am hunched over crying. I take two painkillers. I go to bed. I get dinner in bed. Frozen Pizza and salad. It is the best meal I have had so far; absolutely delicious!

Fang goes to bed at 7:30 p.m. I make love to him. At first he doesn't want to; doesn't think it's "fair", but he enjoys it. There is no intercourse, or touching of me below the waist. I find that I still like it. A lot. He owes me. And, thankfully, he acknowledges that. He reminds me that I forgot to say, "I love you."

I feel better now, knowing I can still control from bed, WITH sexuality.

When I go potty later, I find that I am "wet". This was one of my worst fears. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

28 January 99:

I feel pretty good today, fully of energy, even though I still didn't sleep much last night, 4-1/2 hours tops. The skin on the backs of my arms is itchy and scaly....is this hormonal or is it because I haven't had a decent shower, with my special almond oil applied, since last Wednesday a.m.? I'm tending to think it's the oil. My skin is very dry and really needs that. Also, every morning I wake up with a new baby pimple on my chin. This is very new for me, and I don't like it. Now THAT is probably from the hormone shot.

Today is my sister Linda's 49th birthday. I call and harrass her.

Fang gets me down the electric steamer, and I help with dinner. My contribution is organic broccoli; Fang grills chicken breasts and makes baked potatoes. It is the best!

Nicky follows through with my "extending the garden dream" by cutting down and pulling out the remainder of the juniper bushes. He cleans everything up beautifully. I order a Dynamite climbing rose and Victorian steel trellis from Jackson and Perkins. It will be here next week. I luv mail order! Still all powerful, able to shop from home. Screw driving; with the internet and a phone, why would I ever have to leave?

I lay off the fruit juice all day, as I have been having bad diarrhea. I guess that's better than being constipated!

29 January 99:

Gee, I slept SIX AND ONE HALF HOURS last night!!!! Yippee!!! I think it's because I didn't take any painkillers after 5:30 p.m. I'll need to remember that.....

Nicky is 18 today; my baby is 18. Should I be sad? I don't think so, it was too hard getting him to this point, and it should be celebrated. Fang buys pizza and wings, and we eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.

Nicky finished trenching the new garden today. I sit on the edge of the raised garden and clip back the paper whites, making room for the daffodils which will bloom this week. I am invigorated in the garden.

I light candles at sundown, as this is two eves prior to the blue moon (two full moons in one month; I KNEW this was the month to let go of my uterus!). During the night, Fang and I cuddle and kiss for two hours. I am left breathless and wanting, counting the days.

30 January 99:

I feel great today! However, much like your eyes being too big for your stomach, my mind is too big for my body right now. After being upright for two or three hours, I find I must lie down. Of course, I have a big problem with continually getting up and down. I gotta knock that off.

We are having family and friends over at 1:00 to celebrate Nicky's 18th birthday and to say goodbye to my mother-in law, Gerda, who is leaving for Germany on Monday. Fang went to the store this morning and bought two cakes and some ice cream. Usually we cook out for occasions like this, but he just couldn't handle doing all that on his own. When guests start arriving, I curl up in Fang's recliner, and stay put for most of the time. That helps a lot.

Fang and I have another late night session. Gee, all this cuddling and snuggling and rubbing could become a bad habit.

31 January 99:

I wake at 6:15, my lower stomach really burns inside. I think since I usually have a BM as soon as I get up each morning, what is happening now is that the gas and material moving through my lower bowel in the early mornings, while I am still in bed, is just causing much discomfort. That is my most uncomfortable part of the day. Also, things always seem to hurt worse in the morning, before you can get your mind on top of them.

I work two hours for the office, get everything done. Fang gets down the crockpot, I fill it with beans and some leftover ham from the freezer, and VOILA! I have made my first post-hyst meal!!!!!

Fang decides to drive out to the boat for a few hours. I get caught up on personal paperwork, from my bed. The boss' wife brings by a casserole, salad and bread for Monday night's dinner. So sweet. I am still seething from the fact that my mom-in-law did no cooking for us during the last week, but would talk incessantly about the dinners she made at her other son's house. She would even go out to breakfast or lunch, and then come home and tell me about it. Poor Fang has had it bad, doing all the cooking and cleaning, plus working ten-hour days. Okay, okay, I'm glad I got THAT off my chest.....I do not like to carry discontent; I have no room for it. Let it go, girl.......

Fang doesn't stay at the boat too long. Then he tells me he vacuumed and dusted while he was there. All men should be like this. I am truly blessed.

1 February 99:

A new week! A new month! I am renewed......EXCEPT: I am tired today, as I did not sleep well last night. Fell asleep at 10:00 p.m., and then stayed awake until 5:30 a.m., and got up at 8:00 a.m. I do not understand this. I have not been sleeping too well, but I blame that on painkillers.

Nicky digs in the new garden today, everyone trying to keep me happy and from doing any work.

I am unable to nap this afternoon.....that sucks....I really need to get some rest....the phone rings constantly.

By this evening, I am blue and whiny, I assume from lack of sleep.

2 February 99:

After having fell asleep midnight, my mother-in-law calls from Germany at 4:30 a.m., unable to calculate the time backwards. Then, I cannot fall back asleep. THIS SUCKS BIG TIME.

Even though I am down to just two vicodin a day, I refuse to take any painkillers after 11:30 a.m. I also have diarrhea again today. And, why am I so damn cold???!!! I am always "running hot", so this is entirely new to me.

I am lazy today, and read many magazines and stay in bed. I am in a better mood; however, still whiny from lack of sleep.

Fang makes tacos for dinner. I eat too much. With the diarrhea, this cannot be a good thing.

It is 6:30 p.m., and Fang switches off the bedroom light, and tells me I must get some rest. I smile, weakly, and agree.

I fall asleep sometime near 7:00 p.m., and never hear the phone ring. As I awaken during the night, it cannot be for more than one hour, all together.

3 February 99:

I wake up at 6:00 a.m., refreshed. Thank god I got some sleep. However, I still have diarrhea today.

I take no painkillers today, at all, and SWEET JESUS, does that incision hurt today! Just the incision, though, kind of weird....must be "healing" pain. Also, I am still cold today. I search the internet to see if coldness is a side effect of premarin, and it doesn't appear to be. Hmmmm......

Nicky places the stepping stones in the garden today; he has been so sweet!

Fang takes me this evening to Baskin Robbins, which I have begged for. I haven't been there in years! Since I don't eat ice cream, THAT oughta be good for the diarrhea, too!

It's 7:30 p.m., and I must get off the computer and lay back for awhile.

4 February 99:

Gee, my body seems to be working okay today; however, my incision still hurts. And, of course, I make this no better by squatting down to attempt to hold rose bushes upright while Fang buries them. This is a mistake, and I am not ready for that yet.

Also, I noticed this morning that the swelling in my lower stomach is going down, and now I am "hanging" slightly, overlapping the incision. This is gross! Also, I definitely have developed a couple of stretch marks on my lower stomach. I guess when you are over 40, your skin does not want to stretch like that. I wish someone would have told me that this might happen this quick. I am putting creams and lotions on several times a day, and they do relieve the itching, but this is depressing! I didn't get stretch marks from having two kids!

This body of mine wasn't the finest to begin with, but now it's worse.

I showed Fang my incision tonight, in the light, without panties, as I lay on my back. He cringed, then looked, and said "Oh! That doesn't look bad at all!" Wait 'til he sees me standing up.....

5 February 99:

I feel much better today, with absolutely NO PAIN OF ANY KIND this morning. i also notice that my lower stomach does not appear to be "hanging" quite so bad today.

At noon, I notice that I have spotted slightly this morning; this is the first time since the hospital. I'm sure it's because I was squatting down yesterday. I should be more careful.

I sleep this afternoon for over an hour. When I return to work, I wonder if they'll let me nap in the afternoons? Yeah, right.

Fang is going to get me a pail of water to shave my legs -- they are driving me nuts! I intend to bikini shave standing in the tub afterwards; this is also driving me nuts!

6 February 99:

We finished the front garden today (I say "we"; I supervised, Fang worked), and I feel much calmer about it. All the roses are planted, the trellis is up, the rock border is down. What a difference!

I stayed up most of the day, only lying down for about an hour. Most of this time was spent either standing or sitting in a chair outside.

The only problem I had today was, again, with the diarrhea. I think it is linked to what I am trying to eat. We had Mexican food last night (yummy!); however, I couldn't eat very much, and immediately built up gas in my stomach. After battling that all night, I spent most of the morning running back and forth to the toilet. We had pasta with red sauce tonight, so let's see if that will stay in me.

Fang and I wake up in the middle of the night, cuddling, kissing, and what-not. His whole body hurts from digging all day.

7 February 99:

Each day I feel stronger! This is my new mantra. Also, I feel that I am lucky (so far) to not have the problems many women seem to have after this surgery. Am I just lucky? Is it just too early? I will keep a good attitude.....

Fang and I wander the front yard today, deciding what to do next to the landscaping. For a guy that bitched and moaned about doing ANYTHING out there, he has suddenly become energized with the newness. I no longer think he is doing this just to placate me....he actually WANTS to do these things.

Again, I stay up most of the day. We go to Ace Hardware and wander around for about 30 minutes. By 5:00, I am cold and tired and retreat to my bed. Also, we have "forgotten" to eat today, so I am STARVING!!! This is not good for me.

Fang makes me a large dinner. I get up to eat, and then go back to bed. I watch part one of the miniseries about the 60s. Even though I was a child during those years, my sisters were older and I really lived these times. The miniseries reminds me of just how exciting and sad the 60s were. I cry at the end. Then, I immediately fall asleep.

8 February 99:

I woke up grumpy today. I felt okay, physically, just kinda out of it mentally. Typical Monday!

I ate everything in site today. I napped in the afternoon. I almost felt like I was PMSing without any true physical symptoms, such as tender breasts, water retention, cramping, etc. Really weird. Even had PMS-like dreams last night.

Near bedtime, feeling fat/ugly, I whined to Fang. He said, "You're fine, it's okay." Then he rolled over and went to sleep.

Oh, yeah, I feel MUCH better now.

9 February 99:

Woke up in a much better frame of mind today. What was wrong with me yesterday? Who knows........

Saw the doc today. He took my steri-strips off (which were barely dangling, I might add), said how good I looked, then we went in his office. He searched for my surgical report, which he seemed to be dying for me to read, and couldn't find it. He promised to have it next time. He said I can drive (too bad he doesn't know I drive an SUV with a stick-shift), go for walks (he says my body will tell me when it cannot go on), and TAKE FULL SHOWERS!!! He also said I could take a bath, just don't put anything in my vagina while I'm in the tub. I wonder what he thinks I do in the bathtub.....he also promised I would be ready for swimsuit season. He obviously has not seen the new swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. I will never be ready for that!

Doc and I argued about going to the boat; he wants me to wait another two weeks. I told him it's a houseboat, level with the dock, and they will take me up and down in a golf cart. He reluctantly said it would be okay, as long as I wasn't stepping up or down to get on the boat, and no rough-riding, and no (get this!) waterskiing! I promised I wouldn't......

When I made my next appointment, the receptionist couldn't believe I was only three weeks postop. She said I was getting around much better than other ladies. That made me feel good. She asked how I was when I gave birth, and I told her I was up and walking immediately afterwards. She said you can usually tell how someone will be after a hysterectomy by how they were when they gave birth.

My spirits are lifted.

10 February 99:

Today is Fang's 45th birthday. He still looks so young; but of course, I like 'em older. I hope I don't start looking like I'm his mom instead of his wife.

We went to the grocery store; my first REAL outing! By the time we got to the last three aisles, I could really feel it.

It has been three weeks today since my surgery. I noticed this morning that the gas pains I get about 6:00 a.m. are decreasing. Also, my bladder doesn't ache so bad before I tinkle. Things seem to be coming along just fine.

I took a real shower this morning, shaved my pits (gross!) and bikini area above the pubis, where the tape was (doubly gross!). It felt so good to be so clean. Not to mention washing my hair in a normal fashion. I have way too much hair to wash it in a sink.

I noticed this evening that my skin was flaking off real bad on my lower stomach, obviously from not being washed properly for three weeks. Triple gross!

We celebrated Fang's birthday with Big Macs, Oreo Cookie cake, and the Goddess.....in all her glory!

11 February 99:

Took Nicky to the DMV today to take his driving test and get his license. We were only gone 40 minutes, and nothing was required of me other than to keep a chair warm, so that was good.

I took Ivy to the vet this evening for her DOCP injection and to make an appointment for her spay. Now THAT took over an hour, and I was absolutely worn out.

I told Fang to treat me nicely, come up and kiss me, unasked, as I needed things like that right now so as not to feel ugly/fat. He wanted the doctor's number, and said I was playing the role of pouty woman quite well, and he wasn't buying it.

Well, it was worth a shot.

12 February 99:

Nothing much really happening today; just getting better, stronger. I woke up at 4:30 a.m., unable to go back to sleep. Then, just as my eyes closed this afternoon for a nap, the phone rang and woke me up. Then, I couldn't go back to sleep. Bummer.

I spent all afternoon in bed, just kicking back, watching very bad television. My dogs slept all day. Why are THEY so tired?!!!!!

Made dinner for Fang: baked precooked preformed chicken patties (yuck!), broccoli, and a major sin: fried potatoes and onions. Hours later, I'm still full.

My insurance agent sent me a get-well card today. How sweet. Bet she's glad she's not the one carrying my disability insurance!

13 February 99:

What a wonderful day! When I got up this morning, I really felt as if I had passed a certain mark in my recovery: Even with as good as I've felt, today is much different! I even took a BATH this a.m., to shave, and then a shower to wash my hair.....I've never felt so clean! I have absolutely ZERO DISCOMFORT today.....just my lower back is stiff after sitting for awhile. This is truly a great day.

I remind myself again to pay attention to how this feels: to be pain-free for the first time in over two years!

14 February 99:

Fang and I go to the boat today. Since the lake is down so far, they have finished the lower dirt parking lot and you only have to walk about 25 feet from your car to the gangway. This is great! I visit with my extended boating families, and spend a few hours sitting on the front of my houseboat, burning incense and being in a state of TOTAL relaxation. This feels really good, as I have a hard time doing this at home. I'm always finding one more thing to do at home.

When we leave to come home, even though the gangway is only at about a 10 or 15% incline, I find it really difficult to walk up. Fang says, "Walk backwards". I do this, and it works. It's amazing to me how much we use our abdominal muscles for the little things in life.

I'm tired this evening, and spend it in bed, watching TV.

15 February 99:

A really boring day....nothing happening at all. Ho-hum, ho-hum......

The most exciting part today is that I got to go to Home Base and pick out some flower seeds. This didn't even require much walking on my part! Fang also bought a chain saw to trim some overgrown hibiscus and trees. This should be interesting.

We come home and Fang trims and Nicky picks up debris. They sure have been doing a lot of work to keep me happy!

16 February 99:

It dawned on me today that I am still experiencing diarrhea after eating meals heavy in carbohydrates. This must be due to the estrogen. I can live with it, if that is the only side effect. I really don't need potatoes and bread, anyway. I will miss the potatoes.

I putter outside a little today, just walking here and there, pulling a dead leaf off this and that, a stray weed here and there.

I discover that I am slipping back into my old habit of sleeping in shifts. Fall asleep at 10:00 p.m., sleep until 12:00 a.m., stay awake until 2:00 a.m., wake again at 6:30 a.m. Gee, this almost feels normal!

17 February 99:

I got to go to Sam's Club Warehouse today! Lucky me! At least they have a little bit of everything there -- clothes, food, garden stuff, so that I feel that I am really shopping. When we get home, I plant my flower seeds that I bought on Monday. This will give me something to look forward to for the next two weeks until I return to work: Little green sprouts coming up. I can go out and spray water every morning in anticipation.

I discover this afternoon that I am developing a rash right above my scar, obviously from the tissue above it folding over and holding moisture. Gross! I will need to pay attention to holding my stomach in, and keeping this area dry until the swelling goes down completely. How do really heavy women deal with fat folds? This leaves me wanting to starve myself......

Other than that, a really good day.....again, stronger every day!

18 February 99:

Kind of boring today.....I think I really miss work. The highlight of my day is seeing gladiolas peeking through the soil in the new garden. This is really good for me, since spring is a time of renewal of the earth, so it will be for my physical being.

I find that I'm having a hard time sitting in hard bottom chairs. It is really uncomfortable on my lower back when I rise. So, I guess I will avoid sitting in hard chairs!

19 February 99:

Mr. and Mrs. W. (the boss and wife) are having a dinner party at their home tonight for the employees (and their spouses) of our office. This really gives me something to look forward to! It feels good to get "dolled-up" for the first time in over a month. I actually have not had any makeup on during that time.

The dinner is wonderful (flank steak: not raw, please! They accomodate me.....), as are the guests: Mr. and Mrs. M., Teresa and Keith, Vivi and Jim, and Mary Ann and Steve. It feels so good to laugh! I find that I need to either stay on my feet or sit down, that getting up and down does not work.

This was an emotionally fulfilling day for me.

20 February 99:

Fang is taking me to the boat FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND!!!! I am really excited about this; like a kid at Christmas.

The water in the lake is even lower this weekend; however, I've seen it worse. I really want to take the boat out before it gets any lower; however, we only have a quarter tank of gas. We find that the marina store is closed, and are told to ask Mike about getting gas. He's busy trying to move the docks out, before we end up high and dry. He tells me we cannot get gas, unless we pull our boat out. This is not an option with a houseboat, particularly with the lake so low. I'm not real happy, and Mike takes it personally, and blows up at me. I just stand and stare at him. I wasn't one to lose my temper before, and I find that I'm still not. Lucky Mike. He apologizes. I feel his frustration, but I still need gas.

Oh, well, stuck at the dock.....the day is beautiful (78 degrees!) and I am relaxed. I enjoy what I have.

I fall asleep on the sofa around 10:00 p.m., and my pager wakes me up at 10:45. I am not happy, because it is so hard to get out on the cell phone. I am also VERY uncomfortable!!!!! My day of being up and around 100%, plus the night before, has caused me to be overtired, sore, and whiny.

I continue to get "junk pages", which are bullsh*t, until 1:30 a.m. I am now in tears. I finally fall asleep from sheer exhaustion.

21 February 99:

I take it slow and easy today, and sit most of the day. Tim gets us 10 gallons of gas (bless him!), and we take the boat out. This is sheer heaven for me: Being with the person I like the most (Fang), at a place I like the most.

We spend the rest of the day eating, snacking, watching a tape of "Witches of Eastwick" (I forgot how much I like that movie). We don't leave until almost sundown, which is unusual for us, and have a very relaxing evening....again with the eating, snacking, etc. We have mac and cheese (a first for me in years!) and frozen pizza. Fang asks if I want bread with my pizza.....I think he's losing it! He decides that might be overkill.

22 February 99:

I have decided that Mondays are just as stupid, whether I have my innards or not. The only bright spot: At least I'm not watching them suck from the office.

I loaded a "virtual girl" on my computer for the guys, and also to give me some inspiration. She pops up with a sigh, and exercises or flaunts herself in various stages of undress. I don't know if this will inspire me to excercise in another two weeks, or just piss me off. When she wiggles her behind in a thong, I know I will never look like that again in this life. Oh, well.......

I watched the Sonny and Cher movie tonight, and it was really good. Kinda sad, but good. Where do they find these people?

23 February 99:

I took my dog, Ivy, to get spayed this morning. She knew something was up the day before, and spent the day being depressed. Now that she's back home, I feel so sorry for her. All she will do is lay and softly whine. The vet assistant said she is playing me like an Atari. Poor baby!!! I'm so sorry I had to do this to her, but she has Addison's Disease, and her puppy-bearing days are over. She will feel much better in the future, and lead a better quality of life. Right???????? Hmmmmmmm, I think that's what they said about me before MY hysterectomy.....

I even washed off the patio today; it was a really good day for me, and absolutely beautiful outside. More seeds are sprouting in the garden and surrounding pots. I can almost smell the flowers before they even arrive.

Spring has sprung!

24 February 99:

A really, really laid back kind of a day....I spent most of it staring at my dog. She is trying to communicate to me that (a) she doesn't feel well, (b) why did the vet do this to her, and (c) why did I let the vet do this to her. Her favorite activity, other than tennis-ball-chasing, was to hump the other dogs when she was in heat. We have now removed this activity. She is sad. I know how she must feel.

Today is five weeks since my surgery. I hinted to my husband that we could probably do the horizontal bop and get away with it. He said, "Oh no! The doctor will be there, knocking on the door." I questioned as to whether he thought that would be the front door or the bedroom door, because I could probably handle either one. He said "No Fu**ing Way!" He must be saving himself.

Tonight was grocery night. I must have walked through that store four times. Even though I had things written on the list, it's as if I could not read and follow instructions. I found this very amusing, in a bizarre sort of anarchistic way. Rebel without a pause.

25 February 99:

Got all our tax data together today, for our tax appointment tomorrow night. This sucks, in a really big way.

I never laid down today, just sort of sat around. I thought. In retrospect, it was a lot of "up and down" from a sitting position. As of 7:00 p.m., I am super sore, more than I was two weeks ago. I also did a few squatting down and getting up maneuvers. I found one time that I squatted and couldn't get up! Are my muscles atrophied? I even scraped the side of my thigh on the fireplace hearth during one of my squats. I could not stop the downward motion as I was entering into it. So, it ripped my skin away.....nice move. Nice hematoma.

How in the hell am I going to go to work a week from today and lift all those heavy files? I need a slave boy.....

Oh, and by the way: My dog still hates me.

26 February 99:

I realized today that I have had normal bowels since Wednesday. Gee, maybe when I go back to work next week I won't be running to the bathroom all day. I really feel good. I'm still not happy with my poochy paunch, but I guess that will get better. I ordered a treadmill today (gee, i luv the 'net), and I'll put this on the patio next to the stair stepper, just steps away from the pool. I am ready.

Fang and I went to Linda and Mike's house tonight, and had dinner with them. Mexican take-out. Yummy! Then Linda did our taxes, and everything came out perfect. Fang is astonished at my tax-planning. Thanks, sis. We had a great time, talking, laughing. Linda hates us all, since she is working at taxes seven days a week, and we all hang out at the docks. She really needs to take a day off once in a while.

Fang surprises me with the fact that he is taking the whole weekend off, plus Monday. I am happy.

27 February 99:

Fang and I finish the final outside project today: Trim back the arbovitas, clean up the lantana, and place boulders on the mound. When I say "Fang and I", that is not really accurate. All I did was sit on a foam pad, and pull weeds and grass from a sitting position. Not very difficult. But, at least I did SOMETHING. Fang worked his ass off. Oh, and I picked out the boulders. 920 pounds of beautiful "Jesse Red" boulders, full of minerals such as amethyst, quartz, copper, and turqouise. Fang and Aaron placed them, per my exact instructions.

I tell Fang later that my garden and yard are energized by the rocks. He thinks I'm nuts. He's probably right.

By dinner, Fang cannot move. He was moving pretty good later, though, if ya know what I mean. The doc had better release me soon. I am now begging, and it's pathetic.

28 February 99:

Beautiful, sunny, delightful day. What more can I say? I feel good. My healing is almost complete. My landscape is finished for the season. I feel the metamorphosis, both inside and out. I thank everyone and every thing for all that is around me, and for all that I am a part of. I am truly blessed.

Even my dog feels better, although she will not jump down from even a chair. She whines or barks, and we go get her down. However, she did get UP THERE!!!

1 March 99:

Ah, a new month! Another month with two full moons! Since Fang was with me, this wasn't such a bad Monday. Until I went to the doctor. He said I'm not healed inside, and was a little concerned. I am allergic to the medication he would prescribe for this, so I'm out of luck. I have healed so nice on the outside, and with so few problems, that this really gets me down. He'll see me again in two weeks, and hopefully I'll be better by then. But, NO SEX. This is killing me. Gee, but I can go back to work on Thursday. I ought to be a real ray of sunshine. All work and no "play" makes the Goddess a bitch.

It was nice to spend the day with my best friend, Fang, though. We spent a lot of the day just talking, driving, laughing, singing, making joyous noise.

2 March 99:

After such a nice day and night yesterday, I had another restless night of horrible nightmares. These are the kind with natural disasters and the deaths of strangers I cannot save, all around me. In my interpretation, it should just relate to the death of the old me and rebirth of the new; however, I wake up breathless and shaking. They are almost preminitory. Shake it off, girl!

Kind of a mellow day....kind of a down day.....looking forward to returning to work and fearful that I cannot make it through a full day. I get so tired in the afternoons!

At sundown, I light 13 candles. This is the day celebrating Mother March, the goddess who protects all women who have created life. The full moon rising is beautiful, with a rainbow of color around it. I am in awe. Fang says that means it's gonna snow. He's quite the comedian. It was 86 degrees today. Can you hear my bubble bursting???

3 March 99:

Busy day. I went to Tip-Top Nursery this morning and picked up some seed packets to do the final flowers for the season. Hyacinth bean vines, black-eyed susan vines, zinnias, special zinnias, dahlias, etc. It was fun to actually drive somewhere, by myself, and shop without anyone saying "hurry up". Then I came home and put the seeds in the ground. Then, leaving the new garden, I took a very nasty spill, with both feet going out from under me. Landed on my wrist, elbow, hip and ankle. Held my head up, and it was a good thing, because it would have hit the rock behind my head. I just laid there. I heard a bunch of "crunching" when I fell, so I waited a minute before getting up, to see if everything still felt okay. It really kind of scared me. Then, still on my back, in the mud, I laughed my ass off. I must have looked so ridiculous. I bet the street traffic got a really good show. Funny thing, that. My brother-in-law Mike just asked last weekend if I had ever fallen like that......I said no.....he must have cursed me.

Wouldn't that have been great, to be laid up with broken bones the DAY BEFORE I AM TO RETURN TO WORK????!!!!! Only you, Goddess, only you.......

4 March 99:

Can you hear the alarm ringing? Goddess? Goddess!!!! Your six weeks are up!!!!

Well, my first day back to work. It really feels good. Since this month marks my 14 year anniversary with the firm, my math works that out to about 24,780 hours (give or take) spent in my office. That's quite a few. I can't believe I haven't painted the walls purple or burnt my initials into the desktop. I gotta work on that.

I wonder when I'll get my stamina back? Doc and others around me tell me it will take me months. I want my old hyper self back. Hope to see her soon.....other than that, I feel great. My dog is having more hormonal problems than me.

I'm up to 70 steps at a time on the stair-stepper. I can't wait to get started on the treadmill, and start swimming! Usually by March 1st, I'm in the pool; however, I still have "cold" spells, and the water feels like ice to me.

I can't wait to have sex. Maybe we'll even do it on the treadmill. That way, I'll be killing two birds with one stone. Fang, are you listening?

Today's journal entry will end the "Uterine Chronicles". I'd like to share a poem my friend, Elfgrrl, recently sent me, which truly states how I have felt throughout my life. A surgery cannot change me. I hope those reading it will feel the power and awe of being a woman, and embrace the goddess within themselves:

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who believes she is good. A woman who trusts and respects herself. Who listens to her needs and desires, and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present. A woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf. Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods. A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness. Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is. Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face. A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use precious energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life. A woman who sits in circles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

-- Author Unknown

***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***

Today, 20 January 2000 (oh, that date looks beautiful), marks the one-year anniversary of my TAH/BSO. I celebrate this day for me, with an appreciation of my new body:

Some things are better (pain-free!), some things are worse (tummy, yuck!), and some things are just different (:::skips merrily down the "personal hygeine" aisle:::).

How's the sex? Sex is great. That deserved its very own paragraph. No uterine contractions, but they hurt me anyway before the hyst.

How are my bones? I won't know until June.

I think I have more gray hair (:::checking roots:::).

Have I aged? I think so; however, others tell me I look radiant and beautiful.

Hot flashes? OH! YES! Night sweats? A few.....horrid things. Sometimes, the hot flashes are almost pleasurable.....I really don't know how to explain that one. Am I glowing or glistening? You could bake bread on the back of my neck.

Migraines? Sometimes, yes. Much less now that I've given up estrogen.

Hormonal roller coaster? Well, the PMS is gone.....cranky menopausal woman has taken her place: She's a crusty fool, given to calling people "hon" and speaking her mind, no matter the consequences. I like her. When someone talks bad to her, she stands up for herself. YOU GO, GIRL!!!!

"Changes,,,,,

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream

Of warm impermanence and

So the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same...

Strange fascination, fascinating me

Changes are taking the pace I'm going through...

Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older

Time may change me

But I can't trace time..."

---David Bowie

LUV/HUGS/KISSES FROM

THE GODDESS

***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***

Today is 20 January 2001, and I have just celebrated my second anniversary since my TAH/BSO. New and old things to catch you up on:

I am still pain-free, I joined the gym a few months back, and I feel ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS.

Sex is wonderful! I think I've reached the point of wondering, "Just what DID those uterine contractions feel like?". I don't think I'm nearly as sexually "hungry" as I used to be, but it's like this: The engine still runs, it just needs a little more time to get warmed up. But, man, does that thing purr like a kitten!!!! The girl still gotta have it.

My bones are great; that's why I was able to join the gym. I also went on my first jet ski ride this last summer, something I was not able to do before due to abdominal pain and brittle bones. IT WAS AWESOME! I tried Calcitonin (made my nasal membranes too dry), Fosomax (yucky tummy!), and will start on a trial of Actonel this week.

I don't know how much grayer my hair might have become; it's too blonde now!

Aging? POPPYCOCK!!!! Age is a state of mind, my friends....

I still have daytime hot flashes, but they are short, quick, and to the point. I'll survive.

No more headaches, at least not from hormonal imbalance. I like my life. I had a small bout with another melanoma this year. I won. I'm still childlike in my hopes, dreams, wishes ~ hope it's always like this....

Landslide,,,,,

"Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older too"

---Stevie Nicks

LUV/HUGS/KISSES FROM

THE GODDESS

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