Star Gazing

Part seven.

What makes me wonder now... is what happens if she just decides to lose that self control and hit me. What happens if she hits me just for 'talking back to her'? But she's not like that anymore... or so I thought!

This brought on a whole new problem for me. To some, my life may not seem 'troubled' but everyone's got their different values. Once in my position, the eensy weensy problems that I seem to have... expand.

I was definately against all this. Then again I was for it just as much. To speak or not so speak. The pros and cons basically even out...

Pros:
...communication skills
...not seen so much as a freak
...being able to then 'open up'
...could go back to public schools

Cons:
...we'd have to ditch home schooling
...Mira may 'punch me out' for 'talking back' again
...lose that feeling of independance
...there would be 'awkward moments' when I wouldn't know what to say

Two short but sweet lists. No matter how much I tried to tell myself that I didn't want to start speaking... I knew deep down that I did. I was just afraid of the outcomes... so I'd try to confuse myself, to stall.

I breathed in deep, I could not believe I was going to do this!!! But.. I did need that assurance and since Zac was the only stable thing in my life...

I ran, in fear that someone would see me, and scrounged around for Mira's phone book. (Mira was taking a shower at that time) While flipping the pages, I whispered, "C'mon, c'mon..." to myself.

I could NOT believe it - there was no 'hanson' in her phone book. Shit, what was I gonna do now?!

Spying the phone - something I had not used (for the obvious reasons) for over two years, I noticed that we had speed dial. Yessss, I thought to myself. Yep, as predicted, the Hanson's phone number was listed there.

I picked up the phone and pushed that speed dial button. When it started to dial I freaked out. My will power was the only thing from slamming the phone back on its cradle. But, what would happen if someone other than Zac answered the phone? Even if Zac answered it, what would I say? Another reason why I called Zac, rather than somebody else, is because he'd been the only one who had heard me speak! ... even if it was for the wrong reasons. I still hated Zac's guts but he was the only one I could trust to call.

Dring dring.... dring dring.... dring dring....dri-

I breathed in. Someone had picked up the phone... but who?

"Hello."

I couldn't really tell if it was Zac, but I was hoping. "Zac?"

".... yeah? (he'd immitated my tone when I asked 'Zac?') Who is this? What do you want?"

"Uh.. Carrie..."

"I repeat, what do you want?"

I started to panick. What DID I want? Err, it's a bit late to think of that now Carrie. Well actually I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to word it. Either way, it would sound ridiculous. But... I guess I just had to blurt it out.

"Zac, will you bash up Mira if she hits me??!"

There was a silence on the other side of the phone. I was hoping that was a yes, but I knew better. I knew that what I'd just said had totally freaked him out.

Zac stuttered, "Errr....uh... wha, why?"

"I don't know but please promise me you will!" I was desperate.

"Um, no. I can't do that...."

My hopes had dropped about a million feet. I felt like crying - I cried a lot, nowadays. But, I managed to squeak out a, "Why?"

Zac answered, "I don't hit girls."

What a stupid answer! That was totally sexist!!!

"I bet you would hit me, if you had the chance!!" I challenged him.

"...yeah I probably would. But you're different - Mira's a lot nicer than you!"

I sighed. I knew I'd wasted my time and dignity with this phone call.

I kept trying. "But I'm asking you to bash Mira up if she hits me. If she hits me that is... so that would mean that Mira's not as 'nice' as you think!"

"Carrie, the feeling would be mutual if Mira felt like bashing you up!"

Woah, that was way cruel. But I guess not, we'd exchanged worse disses in out time.

I snapped, "I thought you didn't hit girls!"

"Well, I don't hit NICE girls!"

"You're fucked up," I harshly whispered in the phone.

He answered to that comment, "No Carrie, you are." He said it simply but firmly, I nearly believed him.

I slammed the phone on the cradle. No will power was holding me back from doing that now. I thought Zac was nice enough to agree with protecting me from Mira. But, I guess not.

Mira would be coming out of her shower soon enough. It was lucky I got off the phone. Just as I was thinking that, the phone rang again. Was it Zac? Or was it one of Mira's friends? Crap, here's a tight fix.

I sighed it was okay. We had an answering machine.

The voice coming from the machine said, "Just pick it up Carrie." Ok, it's Zac!

I done as asked and said, "What?"

"Gee, you're nice."

"Somebody whose name I won't mention, that I was talking to earlier, is the cause of my mood!" What did Zac want? Why was he calling here?

"Yeah, well I changed my mind."

Huh? What was he talking about? I was confused and showed this with an, "Eh?"

"Look, it depends on the severity of the hitting. Let's say if Mira put a nail scratch on you - I don't think I'll go and bash her up. Then again, if she breaks your neck.... maybe."

I was speechless. What did I say to him? Did I say 'thanks'? or 'cool'? "Oh um... well it's an assuring thought. Thanks... I suppose."

Zac mumbled something. I took it as a 'you're welcome' ...?

Zac broke the silence and asked, "So why exactly WOULD Mira hit you? She's not the type..."

Ugh. Not that question, please! I avoided it with an excuse ... the excuse was kind of true though. "Ah, sorry Zac. I can't talk now. Mira's coming back..."

"That's bullcrap you know! Shutting up like that whenever she shows her face - you really need to stop that!!"

I was quiet for a bit, then whispered, "Yeah.... I'm trying." With that, I hung up.

****

Yeah, it was a reassuring thought. I was happy and unhappy. I now had no reason to not talk, this made me happy and unhappy. I was losing my old life - but then again, as the famous quote goes, sometimes change is for the best.

****

I found Mira and I sitting in front of the television and watching Oprah again. Yet again, she was wearing a stylish wig and I felt like saying it to Mira. Just the thought of talking to her made my heart beat faster and I would start to breath heavier!

Some may ridicule that fact. To those people, I would state that, unfortunately, it was my human nature.

I sucked in a breath of air and held it for about thirty quick seconds then let it out again. I WAS going to talk. I WAS going to talk. I WAS going to talk. This preppy talk was going to boost my confidence. I WAS going to talk. I WAS going to talk.

After about five minutes of reciting that line, I believed it. Now for the trick. I AM going to talk TODAY. I AM going to talk TODAY. I AM going to talk TODAY.

I opened my mouth to comment on Oprah's hair. But it was like going on a rollercoaster. Whenever I tried to scream while on a rollercoaster, I ended up opening my mouth, but with no sound escaping it. Same thing happened when I tried to talk to Mira that moment before.

I needed a drink. Maybe a glass of water would help me speak. So, I went to fetch one.

Nope, it didn't work. Nothing. Maybe I could pretend Zac was Mira and I was going to diss him. Then I would be able to speak. But, no. That didn't work either.

Just go with the flow Carrie. Just say it. It can't be that hard.

"Oprah's wig looks good today, don't ya think?"

Omigod. I can't believe I done that. I want to take it back now!! I breathed in. And to think the first thing I said was about Oprah's wigs. I didn't even word it fancily.

Mira looked at me from the corner of her eye a little weirdly. Then, she done a very slight double take.

Mira started unsurely, "Yeah.... it makes her look younger."

Okay, keep your cool Carrie. The conversation was going well so far...

I swallowed and forced myself to say, "Sorry about um, the movies thing."

I saw her frown. She did not like that 'movies thing' - I have no idea why I brought it up. She didn't say anything after that. She just kept her eyebrows fused. I decided not to push it, I didn't say anything else that day, either.

I was so dumb. I was stupid, stupid stupid! We were going so well and then suddenly, bang. I had to stuff it up. Lately, it seemed as if I stuffed everything up. I felt like a complete failure.

****

It was a little after a week since I'd first talked to Mira. I had to keep reminding myself that I COULD talk to Mira. I had grown accustomed to keeping everything to myself, but now I could let others know how I felt. Not so much emotion-wise but my opinions and requests as well.

Mira and I hadn't really talked about 'important' subjects yet. Thing like why I never talked, why I followed her around.... etc, they were still secrets for me to keep. I actually still followed her around, I couldn't let my life change that fast.

The only things that Mira and I discussed were kind of boring and irrelevant. We talked about what we'd make for dinner, which show was better (Dawson's Creek or Friends), whether the curtains looked nicer let down or hung up... and more. Just normal, everyday talk. It wasn't like small talk, we didn't say 'Hi, how are you, I'm great, did you have a nice sleep?' to each other. No, it wasn't like that at all, but we just didn't discuss meaningful subjects either.

It was kind of cool, being able to talk. You know, it seemed I missed speaking more than I was willing to mention! I was happy and content with the position my life was in. Yeah, I was definately content.

Part eight...

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