Star Gazing

Part nine.

"You're not coming okay?"

"Mira, why do you always say that? You know I'm going to come anyway!" We were talking... or rather arguing... about my coming. Taylor and Mira had planned on going to that butterfly park today.

"I mean it this time. You're not coming!"

"What's so special about 'this time'?" I questioned.

"Carrie, butterfly parks are romantic places," pfft yeah sure, whatever Mira. She continued, "I don't want you there. You'll probably spoil the mood!"

I was insulted only because I knew what she said was true. I sighed and whispered, "I have to come Mira."

"WHY?!?! Why do you have to come? You follow me around like you have no life. Do you know how annoying that is? I can't even be alone to write in my journal, you're always just a step away! You even knew about my first blood, I mean you were there to see it! How embarrassing can you get?! I haven't even been kissed before - they don't want to kiss me when you're with us on a date! You're practically depriving me of a life Carrie! Eugh. Tell me one good reason why you have to come today. Just one!!" Mira had blown up on me. I felt bad, was I really depriving her of a life? A normal life, I mean.

"You know that I have to come." I said it simply hoping that she'd just forget it, walk off in a huff to the butterfly park, with me following - of course.

"No. I'm not leaving until you tell me WHY you HAVE to come." Her eyes were narrowed.

I sunk down in my seat. I didn't want to tell her. Not now, not right now! By her standards I probably didn't have any good reasons for following her like that.

I knew Mira. She was as stubborn as they come and if she wanted me to tell her, she would get it out of me eventually. But what about her and Taylor at the butterfly park?! Ah.. that was a good point to argue on.

I spoke up, "What if I don't want to tell you? You'll be stuck here all day waiting for me to talk while you - sorry I meant WE - could be at the butterfly park!"

"Carrie, I don't care about that anymore." Wow, I was surprized she put me in front of Taylor. "Fuck the butterfly park. Just tell me why you have been following me for these years. You've been following ME so I have the right to know, it is MY business so don't even bother saying it isn't!" Despite what she said, I was never going to say 'it's none of your business,' because I already knew that it was.

I whispered, "I don't want to tell you right now."

Mira laughed sickly. "I don't want to wait all day but it looks as if I'm going to have to. I'll follow you around till you tell me. Would you like that? Tell me Carrie, would you like that?!!! Yeah, that's what you've been doing to me, the difference is I don't have a choice. If I could do anything to make you stop following me, I WOULD!!"

I thought about what she said for a moment. 'I'll follow you around till you tell me.' No, that wouldn't work Mira. Since I follow you, and then you decide to follow me... hmm we wouldn't be getting very far.

I started to squirm under her gaze. "Mira. Please, don't make me tell you. Please. You're not going to like what you hear!"

She shot back, "Well that's my problem isn't it?! All I want you to do it tell me WHY it is you follow me!"

I felt sick in the stomach. She really was going to make me tell her and I didn't like that idea one bit.

Mira pressured, "Well?! Are you going to spill the beans or what? You know I don't have all day..."

I looked up hopefully and said, "It might take all day for me to tell you, so I'd better do it when yo- ah w-we don't have plans."

My sister frowned down at me. She stalked over to the phone and pushed that speed dial button. Keeping her eyes on me I heard the one sided conversation.

"Zac? Yeah hi, could you please get Taylor for me? ... thanks.... hi Tay. Look something's come up and I won't be able to go to that butterfly park with you.... yes, I know you threatened me not to stand you up, that's why I'm giving you what, 2 hours notice..... no don't worry about me. Use those tickets and take somebody else.... heh, yeah I can't really see any of your mates going to a butterfly park with you either..... well okay then, but are you sure?..... okay, if you want. So I'll call you if I can make it, but I most probably won't be able to so don't wait by the phone or anything.... oh no! You wouldn't do that anyway..... sure, whatever you say. Sorry but I have to go now. I'll call you later today.... yep that's fine. Seeya!"

With that she put the phone back in its cradle, and her eyes still had not left mine.

"Looks like my timetable just cleared up," Mira smirked. She sat down in front of me and smiled a sickly sweet smile. "I'm ready when you are, Carrie."

I tucked my bangs behind my ears then scratched my eye. Mira was still watching me. I started to fiddle around with my watch. Mira was still watching me. I brought my legs up to the chair and sat indian style. Mira was still watching me - she had not moved, she only watched. How exasperating can you get?! She was really getting on my nerves.

"Stop looking at me like that!," I pleaded. Mira only winked and stated, "Just giving you a taste of your own medicine."

I scowled at her. She stopped giving me that staring gaze and looked at me properly. She wasn't giving me that fake smile anymore, just sitting there patiently watching and waiting for me to start talking.

"You really want to know, don't you?," I asked her. She looked at me with a pathetic 'duh' expression. So I started my side of the story.

"The whole fiasco began with Dad in the hospital....."

****

I'd told her. All the little details included, and it took a long time for me to explain. Mira would sit there dumbfounded as she listened to the information. She hadn't said a word and I was wondering if she thought I was crazy.

Finally, she said, "Carrie. Stop crying..." Was I crying? I didn't even know that I was crying! Why was I crying?!

Mira continued, "Dad said watch out for me. I really don't think he meant literally, as in every second of the day. Dad told me to watch out for you too. I didn't take that comment the way that you did. Yes, it was the last thing he said but it shouldn't be remembered that way.

"You should remember the things he said when he wasn't lying in that sheet white hospital bed. Those things were equally important." Mira stopped talking.

I was suddenly cold and I felt myself get goosebumps. It was in the middle of Summer, I wasn't supposed to get cold darnit! But no, the goosebumps weren't from the cold, only the reality which Mira was talking about. I hated reality, I liked my dream world....

I told Mira in a child's voice, "I was foolish wasn't I? But I just wanted to hold on to the memory of Dad... I saw that following his wishes - of watching out for you - was the easiest way."

"You know what I think Carrie. This is what I think, even though it may be wrong, or something. You weren't foolish but I don't think you misunderstood either. I think that you understood the meaning of Dad's comment very well but in that moment of time, you were confused. Confused and alone and you needed somebody to cling on to. Mom grew distant from us when we needed her most, she needed us too probably. You started to follow me and it became a habit so you linked it back to what Dad said. You confused yourself and the idea of following me grew on you. I don't know Carrie... I'm no psychologist, but that's just what I think..."

Yes I was foolish. The way that Mira explained it made it seem even more foolish to me. What was that last thing about her not being a psychologist? Was she implying that I was sick in the mind and needed one?!! Naw... I think that Mira just needed to chose her words more carefully.

I didn't answer Mira after her speech. I just looked up and met her eyes. Some chemical reaction occured then and I wasn't sure what happened. I don't know if she took that as an apology, I don't know if I was even offering an apology. I don't know whether she decided to laugh at my foolishness, but she smiled. She smiled one of those smiles.

I felt emptied. Mira knew one of my secrets, the secrets that made up me. She knew why I followed her but she never knew why I had stopped talking. I planned on keeping it that way.

****

As I thought back on earlier today, Mira never did get to go to that butterfly park. She'd spent her time talking with me, rather than with Taylor. I smiled.

Then I got worried. I looked over at Mira who was watching the television. "Hey..." I tried to get her attention.

She looked over at me highbrow in a questioning sort of way. "Mira... um just because we talked about why I follow you, it doesn't mean that I can just stop it. Just like that!"

She replied, "I was hoping you could." I frowned, I didn't want to disappoint my sister but I knew I had to. "It might take time... I don't know... don't expect me to just stop. Everything will be the same until, I don't know... until I think it feels right to go independant."

Mira just grunted. I accepted that as an 'fine whatever.'

My life was changing. Yes it was. A few weeks ago, I never talked in front of Mira, now I'd just discussed why I followed her around. I was about to stop following her soon too... well I hoped so anyway.

****

"Hi Tay," Mira greeted. "Hey," I said as we walked into their house.

Avery was running around and tapping everyone saying, "Tag, you're it!"

I thought about before when I was in the Hanson's house. About how I knew they all looked out for each other, no matter how subtle it seemed. It looked to me that Mira and I did too. I mean, I'm following Mira around 'watching out for her,' so I think that passed for 'looking out for her.' Ah... same thing!

Settling myself on the floor, I started to listen to Mira and Taylor.

Taylor: "So how come you stood me up yesterday?"
Mira: "I had business."
Taylor: "What business? Seeing another guy eh?"
Mira: "Not that it would apply to you, but no, I wasn't seeing another guy."
Taylor: "Then what?.. what could be so important that you cancelled a day with THE Taylor Hanson?"
Mira: "Woah Taylor. I think your head's gonna burst any moment now."
Taylor: "Okay. No, really, what did you do yesterday?"
Mira: "I talked."
Taylor: "What's so important about talking when we could've gone to a way awesome, totally wicked, spectacular, mind boggling butterfly park" (Tay smirked.)
Mira: "You ask what's so important about talking. Talking is important Tay. What I did yesterday was more important than going to a butterfly park. Sorry."

Woah. Cool. She thought I was important. I felt happy because Mira didn't spill our family secrets to Taylor. Maybe we do have that 'looking out for each other' special bond.

I smiled.

Part ten...

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