Erap-tion

Liqiud Paper
How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There is liquid paper all over the monitor.

BMW
Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
He can spell BMW.

Sleeping Pills
Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Coffee Breaks
Why shouldn't Erap have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain him.

Laptop
SEC. ZAMORA: Sir, puwede bang palitan 'tong laptop ko?
ERAP: Bakit?
SEC. ZAMORA: Masyadong mabigat, eh!
ERAP: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files, para gumaan?

Trip to US
ERAP, on his way to the US, decided to stop by the vendo machine by the airport lounge. He drops a few coins and out comes a can of coke. "Okey ito ha!" He drops a few more coins and out comes a candy bar "Ba, ayos ah!" His aide comes over to him and says, "Sir, boarding time na ho sa eroplano!"

ERAP: "WAG KANG MAGULO! HINDI MO BANG NAKIKITA NA NANANALO PA AKO!!!

BWISHEEEET!!!"

Finally, he boards the plane with a bag full of coke and chocolate bags. He goes directly into first class. The stewardess (pinay) was alarmed and tells the Purser, "Sir, the Vice President ERAP is seated in first class. His ticket is only business. What shall we do?" The purser takes a minute and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it". The purser approaches ERAP who is fidgeting with his seatbelts.

PURSER: "Good morning sir....saan kayo papunta???
ERAP: "Sa America...bakit?
PURSER: "Naku sir, sa likod nalang ho kayo umupo at doon ang papunta sa America...dito sa harap ang papuntang JAPAN!!"
ERAP: "Ah ganoon ba...buti sinabi mo...sige, lilipat na ako!"

Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"

GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in zee Berlin."

The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"

JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan! Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."

ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"
ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX TO THE PRESIDENT!"

On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to look for sport props.

The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.
ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!" The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.
ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, bise presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and finds a bundle of barbed wire. "Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's your excuse?"
ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"

Logic
Erap was in the Batasang Pambansa when he bumped into Ramos. He noticed that FVR had this thick hard bound book in his arms.
ERAP:Pareng Fidel, ano 'yang hawak mo, mukhang napaka-kapal at mabigat.
FVR:Pareng Erap, libro ng LOGIC ito. Mabigat na palaisipan ito, dehins mo kaya ...
ERAP:Sige na tsong... kaya ko yan. I-eksplika mo lang sa
akin.
FVR:O, sige, may aquaruim ka ba?
ERAP:Oo
FVR:Ganito kasi yan, pag may aquaruim ka, mahilig ka sa isda,pag mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka sa tubig, pag mahilig ka sa tubig, mahilig kang lumangoy, pag mahilig kang lumangoy, malaki ang katawan mo, pag malaki ang katawan mo, hindi ka bakla...
ERAP:Aaaaa..... yan pala ang logic ... dali lang pala ..
Then, Erap went to the nearest National Bookstore to pick up a book about logic. He proudly carries it with him around the Batasang Pambansa. Upon roaming, he bumped into Enrile.
ENRILE:Erap, ano yan? Mukhang napakabigat.....
ERAP:Logic ito pare .... hindi mo kaya ito ...
ENRILE:Kaya ko yan ... explain mo lang sa akin ... sige na ..
ERAP:O sige ... ganito yan ... may aquarium ka ba?
ENRILE:Wala ...
ERAP:BAKLA KA !!!!

The Organist
Erap, worried that his misstress might get pregnant during his regular quicky with her, went to see his doctor for advice. The doctor gave him a condom and says:" Put this condom on your organ before having sex ."
After nine months, Erap went back to his doctor complaining that the condom didn't work. So the doctor gave him another contraceptive instructing him again: " Put this in your organ before having sex."
Another nine months have passed and Erap now furious and angry went to see his doctor and complained that the contraceptive didn't work. Now he's got two kids from his mistress that it would be very difficult to hide them from his wife.
So the doctor, also worried, asked Erap if he's been following his instructions. Erap replied quite sheepishly: " Doc, since we don't have an organ we put them in our piano."

The Sperm
Erap went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave Erap a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tommorow."
The next day, Erap reappears at his doctor's office and gives him the jar back, which is as clean and as empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and Erap explains:" Well, doc, it's like 'dis, first I tried my right hand, then with my left hand, but nothing."
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth with her teeth, then without her teeth, she even sat on it, still nothing..."
"Hell, we even called up the Mrs. Macapagal-Arroyo next door, and she tried with her left hand, then with her right hand, even with her mouth, still nothing..."
The doctor was shocked, "You asked the vice-president?" Erap replied: "Yep, no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Pizza Slices
Erap calls into a take-out pizza parlor.
PIZZA MAN: Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight?
ERAP: Six, I don't think I could eat eight.

Chippy
Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy? And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

First Baby
One particular day many years ago, Erap's wife was having labor pains. Erap panicked so he called their doctor.

ERAP:Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
DOC:Is she in a lot of pain?
ERAP:Yes, doc!
DOC:Is this the first baby?
ERAP:No, doc. This is Erap!

5 Pesos
The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

Potato
Erap is in a restaurant with three friends.

One friend orders for "potato" and another, for "mashed potato". The third friend asks aloud what the difference is between "potato" and "mashed potato". Pointing to his off-white wrist band, Erap volunteers, "Ito, pote 'to". Then he points to his white shirt: "Mas pote 'to".

A**hole
Erap heard a guy at a nearby table saying "All Filipinos are assholes."
Erap: Who said that?
(The guy stood up, 7 ft. pala!)
Guy: Why, are you a Filipino?
Erap: No, I'm an asshole.

Movie Title
Q: What will be the title of Erap's movie if the story is about his brain?
A: Nothing Here

COMELEC Questions and Answers
In a last ditch attempt to disqualify Erap from being President, the administration has accused Erap of having "such a low IQ" that would not allow him to perform the functions of a President. After much debate between the LAMMP party and the administration, it was decided that Comelec would ask Erap (l0) basic questions and all Erap needed was just to get one question right. It was also agreed that the questions could be asked in Tagalog or Tag-lish, so Erap would suffer no disadvantage from his lack of English. After further negotiations, Comelec also agreed that Ronnie Poe, Edong Angara and Reli German could give clues to Erap.

Below are the results of the question-and-answer session between Erap, his advisors and the Comelec.

l) COMELEC: Anong hayop sa dagat ang may walong tentacles?
RELI: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsisimula sa letrang "O-C-T-O"
ERAP: October?
COMELEC: Hindi.
EDONG: Erap, "walo" ang "tentacles" nito!
ERAP: Octo-walo?
COMELEC: Hindi pa rin.
RONNIE: Erap, ang hayop na ito ay malambot ang katawan.
ERAP: Ah, Octoart dancer!
COMELEC:Hindi pa rin.
RELI: Last clue. Nagtatapos sa "S" ang pangalan.
ERAP: Octoarts dancers!
COMELEC: Sorry! Hindi pa rin! Next question...

2)COMELEC: What is the national tree of the Philippines? (Narra)
RELI:It starts with the letter "N"
ERAP: Alam ko 'yan...niyog.
COMELEC: Hindi.
RONNIE: Erap, mas malakas pa diyan!!!
ERAP:(In his strongest-sounding voice)...NIYOG!
COMELEC:Sorry! Next question...

3)COMELEC: OK, History naman...Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
EDONG: Erap, it starts with letter "B" (Bagumbayan)
ERAP: OK, OK...sa kanyang "Back"
COMELEC: Hindi.
Ronnie, Edong, Reli and the Comelec enter in quiet discussion.
RELI: O, Erap, puwede rin daw ang letter "L" (Luneta)
ERAP:'yon pala...sa Likod!
Erap's three advisors and the Comelec confer again...afterwards...
RONNIE: O, Erap, last clue daw. Puwede rin "R.P." (Rizal Park)
ERAP: Tenks, Ronnie...kuha ko na! Sa kanyang "Rear Part"!
COMELEC: Sorry. Next question...

4) COMELEC:Saan pumupunta ang tao pag-summer upang maligo?
RONNIE: Erap, starts with letter "B"!
ERAP: Siyempre...Banyo!
COMELEC: Sorry.
EDONG: Remember..."pag-summer"
RELI: E'tong clue...maararawan ka diyan!
RONNIE: Last clue, Erap...maraming naka-bikini diyan!
ERAP: Sana, sinabi mo pa 'yan kanina!....BEERHOUSE!
COMELEC:Sorry, next question...

5) COMELEC: What is the national bird of the Philippines? (Maya)
EDONG:Starts with the letter "M"
ERAP:Manok???
COMELEC:Sorry.
RELI: Erap, "brown" ang kulay nito!
ERAP: Piniritong manok?
COMELEC: Sorry!
RONNIE: Maliit na maliit ito, pero itsurang ibon pa rin!!!
ERAP: Maggie Chicken Cube?
COMELEC: Sorry. Next question...

6) COMELEC: What is the country's national flower? (Sampaguita)
EDONG: Starts with the letter "S" and grows in the sun!
ERAP: Sunflower???
COMELEC: Hindi.
RONNIE: Erap, binebenta ito sa kalye!
ERAP: Stork?
RELI: Bulaklak, sabi eh...
ERAP: Ah, sitsarong bulaklak!
RONNIE: Isa pang clue! Ends with the letter "A"
ERAP: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
COMELEC: Sorry!
RELI: Last clue! Kapangalan ito ang isang sikat na singer!
Remember, Erap, starts with "S" and ends with "A"!!!
ERAP: Sharon Cuneta!
COMELEC: Sorry. Next question...

7)COMELEC: Ano ang tawag sa taong sumasagip sa nalulunod? (Lifeguard)
EDONG: Isipin mo Erap, may "buhay" sa Ingles ang sagot nito!
ERAP:Ah...Lifebuoy!
COMELEC: Sorry!
RELI: O, Erap...isipin mo...may "bantay" sa Ingles!
ERAP:Safeguard?
COMELEC: Sorry.
RONNIE: Malapit na, Erap! Pagsamahin mo na lang ang sagot mo!
ERAP:Safeboy?
COMELEC: Sorry...last clue.
RONNIE: Hindi siya "boy" at maskulado ang katawan niya!
ERAP:'Yon pala! ....Mr. Clean!

8)COMELEC: Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
EDONG: Ang kapangalan niya ang isang tao sa chess (Eugene Torre)
ERAP: Carole King?
COMELEC:Sorry.
RELI: Mas mababa sa King.
ERAP: Al Quinn?
COMELEC: Sorry.
RONNIE: Tagalog ang apelyido niya.
ERAP: Armida Siguion-Reyna?
COMELEC: Try again.
EDONG: Mas mababa sa reyna.
ERAP: Bishop Bacani?
COMELEC: Sorry.
RELI: Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
ERAP: Johnny Midnight?
COMELEC:Sorry. Last chance.
RONNIE: Erap, mas mababa pa sa knight!
ERAP: Kuha ko na! Jerry Pons!
COMELEC: Sorry! Last chance talaga!
RELI:Erap, isipin mo! Ano ang piyesang hindi ba binanggit?
ERAP: Thinking...thinking...ah, 'yun pala...Sylvia La Torre!

9) COMELEC: Oh, simple math na lang! Ano ang "2 + 2" ???
ERAP: Three!
COMELEC:Sorry.
RONNIE:Mataas pa diyan!
ERAP: (In his highest-pitched voice) Threeeeeeee!!!

l0)COMELEC: OK, last question na ito! You still need one correct!
Sino ang national hero sa 500-peso bill? (Ninoy Aquino)
EDONG: First initial is "N"
RELI: Second initial is "A"
ERAP: OK, I got it! Nora Aunor!
COMELEC: Sorry.
EDONG: Ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay "Y"
ERAP: Ah...Guy Aunor!
COMELEC:Sorry.
RONNIE: Erap, dating senador ito!
ERAP: Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
COMELEC: Sorry.
RELI: Erap, patay na siya!!!
ERAP: Ano???? Patay na si Nora Aunor!!!!

11)COMELEC: "OK, last na last na ito." (asin)
"Hulaan mo kung ano ito; ito'y maputi na parang pulbos."
ERAP: " Aha! Madali lang yan, gawgaw".
COMELEC:"Mali, Ito'y ginagamit na madalas ng asawa mo sa kusina".
ERAP: " Yan lang pala eh, di arina".
COMELEC: "Mali pa rin, binubudbud ito ng asawa mo sa itlog tuwing mag a-almusal ka sa umaga".
ERAP:"Ah! Alam ko na, ang sarap-sarap pa nga pagnilalagyan niya ito eh! Lalo na pag tapos niyang batihin".
"Ito ay Johnson's baby powder".

Pollutants
INTERVIEWER: Mr. President, what are the pollutants in the Philippines.
ERAP: Oh, there are many pollutants in the Philippines, it include BOPIS, SISIG, LIEMPO...