Blue sky day

Blue Sky Day

			Blue sky beneath the window. So blue as it never happens here, so unreal and so tempting. As it was sky from some other, better place. I rarely see dusk sky and maybe I forgot how it looks like. Simple things are simple to forget. It is so quiet, funny that sometimes you notice something when it is gone. But I am still here, just lying and listening to heartbeats, which seem to be gone, almost. Just lying peacefully and waiting for another heartbeat which is so loud and rude in that quietness around, heartbeat, which ruins perfection of the moment. The silence between heartbeats is getting incredibly long. It is like the end and I am accepting it easy, there is nothing to regret here, nothing more which should be done. I am accepting it altogether with peaceful, blue sky. The most beautiful sky I have ever seen. I am so tried, tired of life. Closing eyes I feel heart playing its ordinary rhythm. It is so sad but you cannot give up your life when you want to. You can give it, you can loose it but you just cannot give it up on your wish. You have to live on, it will be decided for you when your heartbeats will be gone and you will not be asked for opinion. So close your eyes and sleep until ordinary morning will wake you up to another ordinary day.

			Sky looks grey and dirty like everything else in the city, even delicate glow of sun is not able to change it. Welcome into summer city filled with dust and people unhappy that they are lost here, unhappy that they have no place to go to see blue colour of sky and green of grass. I will not see it; neither today not tomorrow. I am lost here forever. Lost among dreams, which turned into dust right in front of my face, lost among people who turned into untouchable shadows forever. I am lost here always lonely but always surrounded, never alone but always lonely. There is nothing that should be done, I do not feel the need to get up, but I will. I will get up and keep on living this life, which do not fit me as much as I do not fit it. I will do what I am expected to do, I will meet those whom I am expected to meet, I will face all shattered dreams. And I will not even feel rebellious, I am alive. I am alive but my soul is dead. How does it feel?

			I see you standing at the street corner. I am hardly recognising you and I hardly remember why I promise you to come. But I promised and I do come. In bright sunlight you look perfectly vague, just one more grey man perfectly united with his grey city. I guess you are even handsome, but all I see is just one more shadow of the city, my city. What happened yesterday that I noticed you? What made you different from those grey blocks standing along to the grey a of the street? Maybe it was nothing but the moment when you stopped me in the middle of the street and said: “hi, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”. Suddenly got out of my gloomy thoughts I starred at you trying to remind myself whether I have ever known you. I have not, but before I realised that you asked me to come today and I said yes. For a while I felt like something special. Yes it was nothing else than that, but I do not regret it. It is just one more little thing to build day upon, simple reason to go out and melt into the crowd. To pretend there is something to do, some place to go. I try to talk to you, but you do not listen. I try to be honest but you cannot listen. You are talking all the time and I do not mind that. Time is passing by with a quiet rustle of trees in a park you took me to and I smile to you. You smile to me and keep on talking about your former girlfriend. I smile to my thoughts, I am so sure your girlfriend was perfect for you. She must be as wonderful as all those shadows of our city. You are saying she was so much like me, I understand that, we all just little parts of this city, we are all the same. It does not matter whether it is she or I. She let you go and I let you go. You remind me of someone else who hang out with for one, long day, talk to me and became anxious when listening to me, and then simply disappeared somewhere in the corners of this huge city. I did not search for contact with him and I will not search for contact with you. It was nice knowing you, just one more being to pass time away and pass by. I let you walk me back to bus stop, I will smile to you and promise to meet you again, sometime. It will be false, plastic smile straight from supermarket. We will both know we will never meet again, I cannot lie. That is the only thing, which this city of mine did not manage to teach me, not yet, but I am still learning day by day. I watch you disappearing among crowd, you are so vague, just like me. The only difference is that I am not happy with it and you are. Maybe I do not want to see you anymore because I envy you?

			I am trying to run among crowd, which is surrounding me and restraining as one huge monster. All those shapeless shadows remain indifferent about my efforts. I know she is waiting and I know I will be late, but I am not able to fight my way through them, as I am not to fight my way trough life. Feeling like a crumpled piece of paper thrown away on a street I see her unmistakable silhouette. Black and sharp as always. Moving across mass of grey shadows as easy as she moves through the life. She says something about what she would do to me if I would not come, I say something about her watch showing wrong time. We smile, it is a part of ritual, I am always late and she is always to early, but I always come and she always waits. We do not meet too often, but when we do we spend a lot of time just talking. You are one of those few who can listen and can talk. You are beauty to all those people around, I do not understand that. To me your sharp features seem to be almost repulsive. You are always wearing black and I am always colourful mess. So desperately trying to vary from the grey background I stay a part of it, but you do not. You are a better quality of grey, your blackness is contradiction to greyness around but it is also concentration of it. You smile and do not even mention that I should not wear green together with blue, it is all grey anyway. You know me, I know you and at this point of time and space looks do not matter. I like talking to you, because you are a brain. The only one who can fallow my association, no matter how far they go. The only one who can make my brain working and my thoughts being bright. We are honest with each other, almost. No strings, no connections, we come here and talk having no must for that. But there is always little something, which remain unsaid. I know you come here to try to save me from my loneliness. You never say it openly and I never say it either. There is no need to. If those few hours spend with me make you feel like you did something for someone, I feel happy for you. And I never tell you that you cannot save me from my loneliness, because you do not understand it. I was born with it, I live with it and I die with it, and you will not even come to see my grave. I know that, you do not need to know that. You cannot follow me where I go and I am happy about it. You bring me those little moments of biter happiness, because happiness is always bitter when you feel it for someone else, but it still is happiness. Princess, we are the best proof that opposites attract sometimes, but only for a while. You are what woman supposed to be – always a perfect example of perfect elegance. But why elegance is always black?

			Sitting in almost empty bus I look at the dark sky above dark buildings. It is getting late and city wakes up to different life. Place of ordinary’s people shadows is taken by ghosts you do not want to see. But I like this time. There is no day rush and the city is almost quiet. In a dark you cannot see all dirt of the city, all dirt is hidden in humans being, you will not see it until you will not face it. Dark quietness of late evening let me sink easy into memories. So many people who passed me walking through my life, so many little stories which had no beginning and no end. Thinking about all people I knew I suddenly see your face. I hardly remember your name my angel, but I still remember your smile. You were bright spot of my childhood, little sparkle unconsciously giving a bit of light. Did you know it? Maybe not, your smile was the same for everybody, but you were the only one who smiled to everybody. And you were the only one who smiled to me. If you ever judged anybody you kept it to your self. You never went against majority but when majority was out of sight you could easy sold them. You were always a friend of those with whom you were talking at one moment of time. Friend for a while, friend for everybody. If you had any opinions of your own, you never showed it. But it did not matter, all that matter was your smile, when no one else smiled to me. I looked up to your smile, I admired it. I still remember how you hold me when accidentally I had bought you for a present something you really wanted, you smiled even more beautiful then usually. Maybe that one smile was just for me. Maybe I loved you, or maybe I was too young to love you. I liked being around you and I never really wondered why. It does not matter now, I have not seen you for years, but I hope you are happy, you deserve to be happy just for your smile. Maybe I will see you again one day, but I do not want to see your sad eyes like on that one day many years ago. I still remember that one-day when you looked at me and said that your parents were getting divorced and suddenly your smile was gone. You looked at me with anguished eyes of child whose world were trembling down. A child who brought nothing but happiness to world and who was given nothing but disappointment. All of a sudden I saw myself in your eyes and I did not want to see it, all I wanted to see was your smile. You disappeared from my life a few years later, I could not keep in touch with you as I could not keep in touch with anybody else but your smile stayed with me. And sometimes your smiling face emerges out of nothing in my dreams. Did I love you or did I love what you were?

			Going back home I hear sound of my own steps, unbelievable sound of steps playing with echo among huge, dark building. This one and only sound you can hear in empty night of a city, when you come back home all alone. This sound makes you realise that you are nothing but useless dot in universe of the city. At night all life in the city is hidden in fortress of buildings, but you are never alone here, look up to these buildings – spots of light are pointing to somebody’s lives. You are always surrounded here, surrounded with lives, which never match with your own. Instead of looking at buildings I prefer to look above them, trying to see real colour of the sky. There is not much to see though, nothing but city smog. Looking at place where should be sky I search for memories. Once I used to know real starlight sky, I used to know sound of crickets filling silence of the night, I used to have hope. Did I lose it forever?

written and created by Elffaran

21/Feb/2000