* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
 * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
 * All men are idiots ... I married their king.
 * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
 * My kid had sex with your honor student.
 * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
 * Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
 * Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
 * I love cats ... they taste like chicken
 * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
 * Hang up and drive.
 * Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
 * I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
 * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and
   yelling like the passengers in his car.
 * Lord save me from your followers.
 * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
 * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
 * Cats... the other white meat.
 * The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 * It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
 * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
 * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
 * Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
 * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
 * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
 * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
 * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
 * Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
 * Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
 * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
 * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
 * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.