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| On January 8, 2000, my husband, Josh, and I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. Our due date was September 15, 2000, nine long months away. We were cautiously excited, because we were scared to get our hopes up that everything would go well. At the end of January, I started having 24 hours a day of "morning" sickness, and I could barely muster up the energy to scuffle from the bed to the couch. Then at 8 weeks along I began spotting. It really scared me to think I might lose the baby. The nurse at the doctor's office told me that I was probably miscarrying, but God had other plans for us because the bleeding stopped. The doctor's office scheduled me to go in for an ultrasound first thing Monday morning, February 14. We went in and the ultrasound technician could not find any reason for the bleeding, but she did find that we were having twins---WOW! It was a great Valentine's Day gift. We were so shocked and excited! We had a complete turn in our emotions that week. It was so much fun calling our parents and telling them. From then on, everything was thought of in twos. I was really starting to get excited about having twins, but I always had a nagging worry in the back of my mind that I attributed to normal pregnancy jitters. We were so happy; we felt that we were being extra blessed of God! We decided to have the triple-screen pregnancy testing done, because if they could detect problems such as spinal bifida early enough, sometimes they can perform surgery on the babies before they are born. I read a lot about the test, and I learned that it had a ridiculously high false-positive rate, especially with twins. So I wasn't too worried when I got a call from the doctor's office that my test came back high. They then scheduled me for a level II ultrasound. I was 17 weeks along on April 10, when we went to our ultrasound. Sometime on that 45-minute drive from our house to the doctor's office, I began to get really nervous and chilled all over. Our ultrasound technician scanned Baby B first. Everything looked really good. She told us we were having two girls. When she went to scan Baby A, she talked for a little bit and then got really quiet. She went to get the doctor, and I became certain that something was very wrong. The doctor proceeded to tell us news that changed our lives forever, that our Baby A had anencephaly. This is a fatal neural tube defect where the brain and skull do not develop because the neural tube failed to close 28 days into the pregnancy. We were in total shock to find out that nothing could be done for her. They robbed us of all hope for her that day. I found myself wishing that she could have had anything except a defect that would not allow her to live. I broke down on the way home, and we had to pull over. We cried for a long time. The verse that kept going through my head was "The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and they are safe." After we got home, all I could do was sit on the couch and mourn for our little baby that I already knew and loved. It was like she was terminally ill with only a few months to live her life in my womb. We named our baby girls that night. The name we chose for Baby A was one that had always been special to my husband: Sunshine. We chose the name Katelyn for Baby B, and they were to share the middle name Joy. Sunshine Joy means "Cheerful Joy" and Katelyn Joy means "A Pure Cascade of Joy". The next morning, Josh and I awoke with new waves of grief and a stark realization of the events that had taken place the day before. We read some Bible verses together. I especially took comfort from Psalm 139. " . . .For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!" Just about 2 weeks later, we found out that Josh's mom had a brain tumor. At first they felt that it was small and not life-threatening. Only one week later, we got one of those dreaded late-night phone calls. His mom had to have emergency surgery to save her life. The doctors feared that she would not live through it. We went to say our good-byes and we told her our girls' names so she would know. She miraculously came through the surgery, but they only gave her a couple of years to live with treatment. We lived somewhat in a state of shock from that night on. The Internet was a source of comfort to me. It put me in contact with the Anencephaly Support Foundation and CLIMB (Center for Loss in Multiple Birth). Jean Kollantai at CLIMB put me in contact with someone who was going through the exact same thing with her twin boys. She was due only a few days before me. Only God could have put us together. She became a very dear friend, and we were able to share so much with each other. I began to focus on enjoying every minute I had being pregnant with BOTH my girls. I had hopes for Katelyn's life, but I was at high risk for premature labor and polyhydramnios. On Easter Sunday, we had a girl playing the harp in church. I felt like God was giving me a glimpse of the music that Sunshine would have in heaven. Mother's Day was a bittersweet day as it was my only Mother's Day with Sunshine. I wore a yellow dress in her honor. We spent the day with Josh's family and enjoyed making memories that we will always cherish. On May 19, I went to the perinatologist for an ultrasound. I had developed the dreaded polyhydramnios and I was having premature labor at 23 weeks. I was sent straight to the hospital for a reductive amniocentesis, a possible cerclage and continuous monitoring for contractions. We were so fearful as the twins were not yet able to live outside the womb. We made it through the amnio and they scheduled the cerclage for the next day. The cerclage went pretty well, but when I got back to the room, Sunshine's water broke. I was so worried that I would go into full labor and have the babies right then. That was a very dark night for us. They were able to keep me from going into labor, and over the next few days, the doctors ruled out the possibility of infection and other problems. I was still contracting some, but it was not painful at all. In all this, God gave us a miracle, and Sunshine's sac sealed back up. I stayed in the hospital until May 31 when I was sent home on bedrest. I had mixed feelings about being away from the hospital, but it was nice to be in my own bed. It was good that I came home, because the next day, Josh's mom was rushed to the hospital. Once again, our family had to say good-bye. This time I had the very difficult task of staying at home in bed. She passed away shortly after midnight on June 3. Those were some of the saddest and hardest days of our lives. We had to say goodbye to our beloved mother and mother-in-law, and now we had to prepare to say hello and goodbye to our Sunshine. I spent my days on bed rest shopping on the Internet and planning for the birth. The days were uneventful but they seemed to pass quickly. We made it to week 28 when I started having some signs of harder labor. I sensed that we were going to be having the babies soon. I checked back into the hospital on Thursday, and they started me on magnesium sulfate to stop my labor. That is another story in itself! By Saturday night, my labor started up again. They were not able to get the cerclage out in time and my cervix tore. The babies were coming that night by emergency c-section. I was scared and excited all at the same time, but underlying all that was a deep feeling of sadness that our time with Sunshine was coming to an end. At 5:27 a.m. on a Sunday morning, Sunshine Joy was born into this world. The anesthesiologist looked out the window and said, "The sun is just now coming up." They cut her cord and suctioned her out, but she was very still. She never took a breath, but her heart was beating. For a blessed 10 minutes, her little heart beat. We told her how much we loved her. I told her that Jesus loved her so much that he wanted her to be with Him and that Josh's mom was waiting for her. Josh and I took turns holding all 1 lb., 7 oz. of her in the delivery room. She was 11 ? inches long. Just one minute after her sister, at 5:28 a.m., Katelyn Joy was born weighing 2 lb., 3 oz. and measuring 14 ? inches long. She had to be put on a ventilator that first day, but she was doing okay. They brought her over to see me while I was holding Sunshine, but it would be two long weeks until I could really hold her. All I remember seeing is her sweet little mouth and chin. When we got to our room ("Sunshine's Room" as I named it), I gave Sunshine her bath, and we just kept her wrapped up in the blanket. I didn't have anything that would remotely fit her as she was so tiny. The nurses came and put an adorable little hand-made gown and hat on her and took lots of pictures. They took her to the Neonatal Intensive Care and laid her next to Katelyn so that we could get some pictures of them together and our family together. They laid a matching gown over Katelyn. They gave Sunshine back to me in a little basket with a beautiful quilt in it. We spent the rest of the day loving on Sunshine and singing to her. The hardest thing we ever had to do was to give Sunshine back to the nurses. Josh and I said our good-byes among many tears. Katelyn came off her ventilator the first night, and she went on a CPAP to give her pressure and oxygen in her lungs. I was feeling really overwhelmed by the unknown future. She was doing well, but at 28 weeks anything could happen. I didn't know how I would make it through everything. I worried that Katelyn wouldn't make it or that she would be severely handicapped because of being born so early. Not that I would love her any less, but it was because I loved her that I wanted the best for her. I would just look at Katelyn and cry. Finally, Josh played the song "His Strength is Perfect" on our CD player in the room. I realized then that I couldn't make it on my own. I needed to rely on God's strength to help me through. On Friday, we had our memorial service for Sunshine. It was a beautiful day! I brought all the flowers we had received in the hospital and a picture of her. Our family read some different Bible verses that we liked. Then we played the songs "I Don't Know What You're Dreaming" and "His Eyes". I just looked at my favorite picture of her through the whole thing. I love her so much. She is our "Glory Baby". I went to see Katelyn every day. She was only on the CPAP for a couple of weeks. The day she went off of it, Josh and I were able to hold her for the first time! What a wonderful feeling! It had been so hard just looking at her and holding her little hand. She grew, slowly but surely. Eventually, all she needed to do was be able to take all of her feedings through a bottle. Until then, a feeding tube fed her. She loved taking her baths, and we enjoyed giving them to her. Finally, one day, she was able to take all of her feedings by a bottle. We came into the NNICU and they asked us how we would like to take her home the next day! So, 52 days from the time she was born, we got to bring our Katelyn Joy home. She only weighed 4 lb. She was so tiny that we could fit her into her cradle sideways. It was like lifting a feather to pick her up. She did come home on an apnea monitor, which was somewhat of a comfort to me. All I had to do was look and see the little lights blinking to know if she was breathing. She has grown and developed wonderfully and has passed all of her testing. She is such a sweetheart and we love her dearly. We know that God has a purpose and plan in our lives. It will always be a hard road without our precious baby, and it will be hard for Katelyn not to have her twin sister. But we pray that we will be a testimony to Him and glorify God in everything. We miss our little Sunshine, but we know she is with Jesus, singing wonderful songs of praise to Him. We can't wait for the day when we will all be together in Heaven. Sunshine, We love you, baby! We miss you, but we know that you are having a wonderful time with Jesus and all of our other loved ones in heaven. You will always be "Our Only Sunshine". Katelyn, You truly are our "Pure Cascade of Joy"! We treasure every day with you! We pray that you will grow to know the Lord as your own and be greatly used of Him." We love you! Love, Mommy and Daddy |
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