Paul and the Gooey Badness

By Jen McNicoll and Adam Filipowicz

Once there was a boy named Paul. Paul was perfectly normal except that he had forty-seven heads. Everywhere he went other children would make fun of him. “HA HA!” Paul was discouraged by the children’s remarks but since he had so many heads one of them always seemed to spit in the kids’ direction.

Paul worked at the local business depot where he had to organise all of their potatoes in the new potato section. One of the potatoes was magic and decided to grant Paul 3 wishes. Paul wished for fewer heads so he could be more like the other children. So now Paul had forty-six heads.

Paul was very happy as it seemed a great weight had lifted from his shoulders. For the second wish, well, he thought about it and said, “I wish I could have lots of magic potatoes to grant me more wishes.”

The potato said, “That’s cheating” but he granted the wish.

Now Paul had a sac full of magic potatoes and he wished for a mansion and a frog. And so his wish was granted. Paul then wished for lots of money and so he had it.

He decided that he needed a makeover and so he called a cab and ordered the cabbie to take him to Zellers where he would have a makeover from the expert. The expert said that Paul had too many heads so she used scissors to cut off 45 of Paul’s heads.

Paul was bleeding a lot so he wished for a big Band-Aid. Paul was plastered with this big Band-Aid. He couldn’t breathe so he wished for gills that could breath air and had them on drugs. The drugs made Paul very happy and since he had fewer brains now he became a drug addict and did all the drugs in the world until he became a rock star. Paul the rock star was very big until his fans noticed he was a big freak head. They soon figured out what a big stupid poo-poo head he was and started to throw pennies at him until he started crying from his nails and stuff. Paul wished that he could cry from his eyes like a normal person but he accidentally made mashed potatoes for dinner and had noone to grant his wish. So he went to the expert again.

She said, “Stop whining”. So Paul did and the expert found him unusually alluring and they started making-out but Paul had an ulterior motive. In the experts room there was a potato and next to the potato was a set of strings. Paul wished for the potato to turn the strings into a set of DVDs of the Star Trek movies including the new one that hadn’t been released in theatres yet. He then put Star Trek logos on every ones forehead that he passed while suiting up on his trip into space. He brought his stuffed toy iguana and an old condom container his mommy gave him in case he met any hot alien chicks to make-out with. But they all liked guys with lots of heads so he wished for his heads back and started making-out with this one particularly ugly alien chick who had 58 heads shaped like diamonds with weightbubble bulbous things coming out from it with like steam rising from crevasses in the weirdness.

Paul was in love but he was intimidated because the girl had more brains than he did. So he wished for even more heads and then he fell over because he weighed a billion trillion head pounds and the ring on his left finger overloaded the flux capacitor and made the universe melt into a big pile of gooey badness which only your mom would feed you if you were sick and had weird nasties over your body that moved when you urinated. Paul started peeing nasties so his mommy came and fed him the universe.

“Oh no! The universe is gone. Where did it go?” said Paul but he lost his potato and couldn’t get it back. “A beaver,” said Paul. “Look! A beaver.” But his mom didn’t see it.

Paul got angry but the beaver ate his potato. Paul said to the beaver, “Come back beaver or I’ll whack you with my stuffed iguana!” Paul was in withdrawal from his drug addiction and the nasties and the beaver were in his mind. His mom put him in rehab where he met a beautiful radish and got married.

After the wedding they decided that a law against tickling should be approved and so Jen was banned. But the government was ruled by Jen and she sentenced them to tickling. “Hee hee hee,” they laughed because they were being tickled by a giant tickle machine. The radish was especially ticklish and unfortunately she didn’t survive.

“Boo hoo,” cried Paul.

T H E E N D.