"It was the monkey! The monkey I tell you, the monkey!" I screamed as the security pulled me out of the Dallas Zoo on a hot Saturday afternoon. I fell to my hands and knees as the guard walked back in the gate to watch me. I casually stood up and looked around at the people staring at me.

I had just made a scene. I didn't mind though. It wasn't the first time. I dusted my pasts off and headed for the parking lot. No matter how cute and cuddly these animals look, I really need to stop coming to this zoo. The people here keep blaming what the animals did on me. Like the time the emu spilled my melted Lemon Chill all over that little kid. I smiled as I thought of this recent memory. A laugh burst from my mouth. I sighed, and even though I knew people were staring at me as I walked through the long parking lot, I shouted out loud to no one in particular, "Stupid little booger! He deserved it!" Chuckling to myself, I pictured the little drenched kid screaming, "Mommy mommy!" I remembered my reply, "Shut up, ya little twerp! What's wrong! Can't take a little lemonade?"

I continued to walk through the full parking lot, wondering if I'd ever reach my car, only to realize I missed it when I reached the other end. Sitting on the curb, I did what I do best. I thought.

Monkeys like eating bananas. Stupid monkeys. They shouldn't be pulling people's hair. It's just wrong. It is especially wrong if it is going to get me kicked out of the zoo.

I wonder where banana's got their name. Shouldn't they be called yellows? If an orange's name is orange, a banana's name should be yellow. I then realized what I was put on this earth for. My whole life's purpose was to correct a mistake that had been made long ago. I was to change the name of the banana. I stood up and pounded my fist in my left hand, saying outloud again to no one at all, "I understand my mission. I am off to change the world!"

I ran to the front of the parking lot where the people stood in lines to go into the zoo. Standing on a rock in the freshly cut grass, I gave my speech. "Attention all!" I shouted. "I am here to change the world. I will create a new world, a better world! A world with no bananas," I paused for dramatic effect, "but yellows."

People in the crowd were staring at me as if they were looking at someone with a mental problem. The guard came out of the zoo and told me it was time to leave, but I didn't listen. I spoke again, "Don't judge me until I have told you my plan! I want to change the name of bananas to yellows! It will be a world based on yellows!"

The guard grabbed my arm and pulled me off the rock. "You need to leave before I call the police." He ordered firmly, yet quietly, trying to keep from causing a scene.

"No!" I screamed, "I have a right to be heard! It's in the constitution! I can say what I want!" I shouted and struggled and held back, but the guard finally got me to shut up.

He pulled me to the beginning of the parking lot and said, "Where is your car? I am going to personally escort you to your car and see that you are gone."

"It's that way." I pointed in one direction. The guard grabbed my arm and pulled me along ("like a child," he said). Halfway through the parking lot, I let out a snicker. The guard asked me if I had seen my car yet.

"Yes" was my reply.

"Well, where is it?" the guard asked angrily. "Did we miss it?"

"Yes" was my reply.

"Stop playing games. I've had enough of you now tell me where your car is!" the guard shouted.

I pointed in the direction we came from.

The guard grabbed my arm again and pulled me in the opposite direction. When we reached the start again, he screamed profanities in my face, but for your innocent ear's sake, I'll leave that part out.

After much more follow-the-leader and frustration of the guard, I finally grew bored and stopped two cars from the entrance. "Here it is." From my orange 1975 Volkswagen Bug I could see the rock proclaimed my goal from.

"This is your car? Why did you-" The guard stopped himself midsentence. "Just get in your car. Now!"

"OK, but hang on a sec," I said. As he rudely asked what I was doing, I stepped up to him and gave him a friendly punch in the arm and shouted, "Slug Bug!" Then I quickly climbed in my car and locked the doors. I turned on the motor and backed out of the space as I rolled down my window. When I could see he was still standing there steaming, I called out the window, "See ya next week!" I smiled and drove away.

Now, I thought, to continue my quest. I drove to the nearest fruit stand I could find.

I walked into the hot building. What kind of idiot makes a building without air conditioning in Texas? "Oh well," I told myself, "I'll just have to make this trip fast." I looked left, then right. I saw the oranges, then the apples. I thought of changing the apple's name too, but that idea diminished quickly after I realized a few important obstacles. For instance, some apples are green, others are red, and then there are still some yellow apples left over. It would be much too hard to give them three names, especially since it is so hard to see the difference between green and yellow apples sometimes. Plus, I'm already changing the name of bananas. "Who do you think I am, Superman?" I exclaimed. "I can't change the name of two fruits! Why is so much expected of me!"

After I finished arguing with myself, I looked forward and saw a man behind a counter. He looked worried that i had entered his store, giving me a humoring yet frightened smile, the kind I get from the people who work at the zoo. Well I'm sorry if those animals like framing me! I can't help it if an elephant is going to vandalize the bathrooms! They are big and mean, and I'm certainly not going to stop them from writing things on the walls.

Stupid monkeys.

I walked forward to the man, who was watching me very carefully. I stopped in front of the counter and noticed a gumball machine near the edge. "Oooh!" I said excitedly. "Gumballs! How much are they?"

The man looked me up and down then into my eyes and quietly said, "Twenty-five cents."

"I'll buy one! Do you have change for a one hundred dollar bill?" I asked.

"A one hundred dollar bill? Of course not you idiot!" He shouted.

"Well, you're not getting my business then. I have a pret-ty big shopping list. I'll just have to go to the next fruit stand." I said and began to turn around.

"Change for one hundred dollars, coming right up." He sighed.

"What's your name?" I asked, noticing he wasn't wearing the usual nametag.

As the man was unlocking something under the cash register he looked up to me, and sighed, "Bob."

"Bob?" I asked, "I like that name! It is my favorite name! I wish I was named Bob. It's neat how backwards it is also Bob. Only if you wrote it backwards it would look different because the last b would be capitalized instead of the first. I like words that do that-"

Bob cut me off and said loudly, "Here you go. Change for one hundred dollars." I held out my hand as he handed me four twentys, one ten, one five, four ones, and four quarters.

"Thanks." I said. I got my wallet out of my back pocket and put the money in it. Then I reached into my left pocket and pulled out two quarters that were already in there. "Actually, I think I'll buy two." I said.

Bob's face grew red and he growled much like the guard did, as I put a quarter in the machine. I turned the little knob and squealed with joy as I heard the familiar sound of the gumball clinking down its tunnel. I opened the small door that kept the gumball from falling on the floor and saw a blue one.

"Blue!" I exclaimed. "I don't want blue! That's a nasty flavor!" I threw the gumball out the front door and said, "I don't really want another gumball after all."

Bob said nothing. He just stared at me, obviously annoyed.

"So," I asked as I looked around at all the fruit surrounding me. "Where are the bananas?"

"On the far left wall." He said.

"Cool." I said, nodding and glancing around the store, trying to look uninterested because that's how you get the bargains. "Do you have a permanent marker?"

"Yes, but you may not use it." He said.

"Come on!" I begged and whined. "I need to borrow it to write a reminder for myself! Please?!"

"Why do you need a permanent marker for that?"

I thought for a moment and answered in the form of a question of whether it was an acceptable answer or not, "It's a permanent reminder? It's really important."

A woman walked in the store and Bob called, "Mrs. Chanley! Great to see you again! How were those tangerines?"

"Lovely lovely. The young un's loved them." She said.

"One moment, Mrs. Chanley, I'll be right with you." Bob said with a friendly tone. "Here." He handed me a marker, "Now don't cause any trouble."

"Yes!" I shouted as Bob started a conversation with Mrs. Chanley.

With the marker clutched in my hand, I walked to the far-left wall. When I found the neatly stacked yellows, I smiled. My plan was working so far! I pulled out the sign, which was snugly placed between the yellows. I sat down in Indian Style on the floor with the marker and the sign. I crossed out "Bananas" and wrote "Yellows."

I looked up and saw a banana sign hanging from the ceiling. "Hmm." I thought aloud. "That is a pretty high ceiling. I don't know if I can reach it." I stood and placed the fixed sign back between the yellows. I looked up to the ceiling again, then around me to find a chair to stand on. I couldn't find anything but a bin of pears, right next to the bananas.

The pears were stacked very nicely. It must have taken Bob a long time to do this, I thought. It's nice to see someone so dedicated to his job. There was a little bit of room on the edge that I could stand on, so I decided to go for it and climb the pear bin.

I cautiously climbed the edge of the bin. Standing carefully, and gaining my balance, I looked across the store. Bob was no where in sight and Mrs. Chanley had her back to me busying with the strawberries. I reached up and pulled down the sign which was taped to the ceiling with masking tape. Not holding onto anything, I lost my balance.

The sign fell backwards from my hands and as I fell forward onto the pears, I shouted, "Yellows will live on forever!" because it was the first thing that popped into my mind as my last words, in case I didn't survive. I crashed into the soft fruit. Some squashed and got their juice on me, but most rolled off the bin onto the floor, making an incredibly loud sound.

Bob came running from no where screaming obscenities as I stumbled to get up. "What did you do, you freakin' idiot!"

I got out of the bin and stood on the floor in front of him. My mind raced for the perfect explanation. "I didn't do it," I said, as innocently as possible.

Bob shouted, "What are you talking about! There's pears all over the floor, and all over you!"

I looked around at the floor and saw the pears scattered about. "Hmm. All this evidence really points to me, doesn't it. That's a problem. Especially since I didn't do it. Well as soon as I catch the guy that did, I'll be sure to tell you."

Bob's now dark maroon face looked like it was about to explode. He said quietly, trying to control his temper, "Leave, now."

"But I have to-" I said.

Bob cut me off and shouted, "LEAVE!"

"Fine." I pouted as I walked to the front door, "But if this store goes out of business because you don't have the right name for banana's, that's your fault. I was trying to help. But since you obviously don't want my help, I'll just leave. Go ahead and live in a sick world without yellows. I don't give a care." I closed the door and walked to my car.

I sat in the drivers seat for quite a while thinking about the next step to changing the name of a fruit that is loved by people all around the world, especially monkeys. Stupid monkeys, I thought, they just jump around in their cage all day, eat, and clean each other. Just because of that, everyone thinks they are so cute. Well, they are, but they still shouldn't have the right to blame other people for their own wrongdoing.

I got back on track and decided that the next step was to go to the grocery store. I turned on the motor and tuned in the radio to an oldies station. Can't get enough of them oldies, I thought as I sang along. "Blue mooooooooon, you saw me standing alooooooooone…"

I didn't have to drive far to find a Kroger grocery store. Even though it was a Saturday afternoon, Kroger wasn't very crowded. This was because most of the people preferred shopping at the new Tom Thumb, right across the street. I chose Kroger because I felt I needed to start small and work up. Also, I felt sorry for Kroger and decided that if I introduced the new name Yellow's to the store, they would have an advantage over Tom Thumb, and maybe make a lot more money.

I parked my car towards the front of the lot, hitting two shopping carts sitting in the middle of the space because I was too lazy to get out and move them. I stepped out of the car and walked to the door. As I approached the automatic doors I got excited as I saw them open with one step on the mat.

"Cool!" I cheered with joy. I stepped back and thought to myself, "I bet if I run fast enough, I can get to the door without it opening!" I walked about ten to fifteen feet away from the door and turned around and got myself ready, stretched my legs out and rolled my head. I rolled my shoulders once and got in a crouched stance for running.

I shouted out loud, "On your mark, get set, GO!" I charged for the door, running as fast as I could. When I reached the mat, I leaped. Midway over the mat I screamed, "YES!" right before I collided into the hard glass door.

"Blam!" I hit the door and fell to the mat beneath me on my back. The automatic door opened and a bagger appeared over my head.

"Dude, what happened? Are you OK?" He asked.

I stood up and brushed myself off. "Yes, I'm fine," I said, "You need to fix your door though." I made the door open again and walked into the grocery store. I walked to the right hoping to find the fruit and vegetable section. Instead I ended up in a bakery. I turned and walked the other way until I finally reached the place I was looking for. I looked around.

"Can I help you?" I turned around and saw a teenage boy looking at me. I could tell by looking at his name tag that his name was Jimmy.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, you can!" I exclaimed happily. "Can you tell me where the yellows are?" I asked.

"Yellows? What are those?" he asked.

"You know, they're long, shaped like a phone, to get to the stuff you eat you peel it," I quickly mimed peeling and eating a yellow.

"A banana?" Jimmy asked.

"Yes and no." I answered. "They are now called yellows. Please lead me to the yellows!"

The boy gave me the weird look I had been receiving all day and walked me to the yellows.

"Thanks." I said. I looked at the yellows and tried to decide what to do. I looked around the fruit section and saw many people walking around. I quickly found a basket and pushed it back to the yellows. After putting it in just the right place, I started climbing into it, which was very difficult. I gained my balance and slowly stood. When I felt like I wasn't going to fall, I screamed, "Hey everybody! These aren't bananas anymore!" I held up a bunch of bananas. "They are now yellows! If you call them bananas, everyone will think you are a freak. Thank you for your time and please, spread the word!"

I made an effort to jump down from the basket, but when I pushed off of it to get down, it went backwards behind me. This pushed me forward, and I landed on my hands and knees. I was OK, but the apples that the basket hit weren't. They fell everywhere, much like the pears at the fruit stand. I knew I was in big trouble, so I just jumped up and ran.

"I went to many other places trying to change the name of bananas. I haven't had much progress yet, but I think the world is just about to change. I got a plan up my sleeve, I do." I finished my story.

"Um, thank you, thank you for that story." Jerry Springer said. "That's not what I asked you about though."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Well, I asked why you got kicked out of the zoo. That was a wonderful story though. Thank you. Well, that just about wraps it up. We won't be showing our other guests due to shortage of time. Join us next week, for 'why I slept with my grandmothers sister.'"

The music played and then faded as people bustled about to leave the audience. I smiled to myself because I knew I made a difference in people's lives.

The End