Smudgey's Secrets Of The Cosmos
Science
is a strange old thing, stranger than a dancing pixie in the juicy girth of a baboon's anal orifice. And yet not so. And yet so. For science may be odd but it is true. You can't argue with that.
Science is misunderstood to the point of misunderstanding. Many things have we learned but much also have we forgotten. Old Wives are smart and their tails wise - oh yes, they know their onions and no mistake. Why are wise people called sages? Answer: because Old Wives use sage in almost every dish, and Old Wives are very, very wise. Like Owls.
Here, facts previously considered as myths are demythologised: the myth behind the myth exposed as a plump, luscious truth, like uncovering a box of ripe cherries you never knew you had and then popping them to find the stone of knowledge within. I like popping cherries and I want to pop yours.
So read on and learn.
1) Eating vegetables makes your hair curly.
A simple one to prove. Look down at your pubic hair. Recall back to the time you first grew these smelly sweat-soakers. Can you honestly say that at this point in your life you had never eaten a single vegetable?
I rest my case.
2) Masturbation makes you blind.
Long since dismissed as a phallacy, this is a SCIENCE FACT. If you are male and partial to solo sex, be warned. A bishop bashed by your own fair hand till red raw is a sure sign of imminent blindness, as Ray Charles found out to his cost. Here's why.
Your body is an intricate network of nerves and hormonal feedback systems. It is more intricate than the most intricate of intricate Persian rugs. If you were to lay all your body's nerves end to end they would stretch around the earth four times, make a trip to the moon and back, and go around the world again. Twice. Yes, there are that many of them. So it's hardly surprising that they may conflict with each other from time to time, as they do in every male's body at two crucial junctions: the hand and the penis.
Friction on the penis alone is harmless and often pleasurable. Friction on the hand alone is similarly nothing to worry about. But friction on both at the same time leads to an involuntary hormonal relapse in the optical tactillian cerrebremumum nodenols in the brain (more commonly known as IHRITOTCNITB syndrome) and triggering this too often send a message to your retinas telling them to slowly melt. And thus gradual blindness sets in.
So all you men out there, beware. Next time you're fit to burst, keep that overactive wrist away. Instead get someone else to satisfy your needs, or rub up against a bit of cloth or something. I know someone who used to get imaginative with his erection, his cat and some potted meat. Whatever you decide, remember this: next time you're randy, don't get handy. It's just not worth it.
3) Isaac Newton was wrong about gravity...
...but so nearly very right. As everyone knows, he claims to have discovered this mysterious force by freak chance. One day, while masturbating under a tree, the soon-to-be-blind scientist was diverted from his sordid little hobby by an apple falling on his head. 'Ouch!' he cried, but his anger gave way to inspiration. 'Eureka!' he cried, shamelessly copying Archemides. Newton saw an apparent blinding truth: that something was pulling the apple earthward, and this something he named 'Gravity', after his dog. All scientific thought since has revered Newton's theories - but he was wrong about one crucial thing. The apple was not a symptom of gravity. It was the cause of gravity itself.
Oh yes. So why, for Pete's sake, did such an insightful if slightly depraved man not see this? Well, Newton never much cared for apples. He preferred pears. He liked their juicy ripeness and took an almost fetishistic delight in their soft, giving flesh. Had a pear landed on his head all might have been different. However, this was unlikely. Pears aren't as common as apples, and who can blame them? Pears are not entrusted with holding mankind to the ground. But apples are. Yes, they are. Apples ARE gravity.
Why, then, should apples fall at all? Ah, because at any one moment there are more apples and the remains of apples on earth's ground than on trees. So everything, including other apples, is attracted to the ground. There are only a few apples on the moon, which is why you can bounce around on it like a prick. Jupiter, on the other hand, is crammed full of apples, and mainly strong varieties like Orange Pippins at that. The gravitational pull on Jupiter is so strong it beggars belief. Indeed, its famous 'red spot' is thought to be a dense cluster of bruised apples. But black holes take the piss. Each molecule in these scary things holds 30 000 ultra-condensed apples. The gravity here is so strong that no light can pass through, not even apple-light.
We owe much to apples; without them we would float of into space and cough and explode, one by one. The dinosaurs were here long before apples, which accounts for their massive girth. The creatures had to be lardy-arsed and heavy enough to anchor them to the ground. Alas, this was to prove their eventual undoing, for when apples came along they became too heavy and the force of the fruit pulled them underground where they suffocated and died. This explains why you never find dead dinosaurs just lying around on the earth's surface.
It is inadvisable to eat apples. Ingesting pure gravity can cause nausea and diarrhea, leading to chronic obesity and death. This is why people from Somerset are fat, sickly and short-lived. Stick to peaches, that's my advice.
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