So who are we then?

After all, we're cocky and sneering, cheap and nasty; we make wisecracks about the American constitution when it's nothing to do with us; we poke fun at the goings on in the UK media industry like we're a couple of hotshots. What a pair of cynical tosspots. Just who the ploppy-arsed buggery do we think we are? Outside now. Come on then.

Heyyyy! Calm down, we don't want no trouble.

Let's tell you all about us, then maybe you'll see that it's not our fault and perhaps, like us, you will blame the parents.

SMUDGIE:

Smudgie is a saucy young thing from Bradford. Without wishing to stray into the domain of cheap regional stereotypes, it will come as no surprise those familiar with the geography of Britain to find that he's ashen faced, surly and gets aggressive when he's had a drink. Which is daily.

He's a fantastic chef, and appreciates fine food, especially pies and sausages. I'm not talking about your happy shopper BSE riddled tat here, I mean quality pies and proper sausages. He's got a book about them and everything.

Whilst not actually in possession of magical powers, I think it's fair to say that he is something of a superman in the sports field. He can beat me, and indeed proper fit people, at a wide range of sports. Notably Badminton, for which his prowess is famed, and indeed sung of in Northen folk song. And he's good at chess - the bastard. (But I can definitely beat him at Backgammon, I've just had bad dice.)

He trained at a swanky East London University in Media Studies, which he passed with flying colours and now works for the largest free to air public sector broadcaster in the World. He's a staunch believer in Public Television and is proud to be a socialist. He follows no particular god or football team.

Lastly, to complete this fawning portrait, I should say that he he plays guitar like the ring of a bell (i.e badly).

Uncle Summy hails from the green and slightly stuck-up county of Hampshire, which is near Paris, capital of Egypt. Summy himself is far from snobbish. He is a principled advocate of a fairer society with equal rights to all. He fervently supports increased funding for Britain's public transport network. He believes only this approach can alleviate our country's crippling congestion, caused by an excess of privately owned vehicles.

Uncle Summy drives a car.

'Summs', as he's known to his friend, is probably in a cornershop near you, buying some toffee covered in chocolate. He likes that sort of thing. If you see a rotund male walk in a shop, eagerly buy a sweet and then engulf it completely in one bite - that's Summy.

He emerged from his mother - Mrs Joan Summy - over 25 years ago. She named him 'Uncle' after her favourite programme of the time, The Man From Uncle. It was her dream that her child should grow up to resemble Robert Vaughn, the suave and dashing hero of the 60's spy caper. Her ambition remains unfulfilled. Instead, many have likened Summy's physical appearance to Michael Elphick, the whiskey-addled star of 'Boon' and... 'Boon'. However, this is unkind. Elphick is a fine character actor who has been unjustly maligned.

When Summy isn't tucking into a barely earned meal, you'll find him holding forth in his favourite pub, i.e the nearest one to wherever he happens to be. After three or four pints of Guinness, Summy changes from being a bright, cheerful wag to a stubborn, argumentative terrier. He even grows paws and a tail and sniffs people's groins. In this semi-inebriated state, Summy plays devils advocate with flair, agility and fearsome intelligence - the John McKenroe of pissed-up bar-stool philosophising. State an opinion, no matter how banal, and Summy will contest it till last orders whether he agrees or not. A few more pints, though, and Summy, like us all, turns into a drunken fool.

Examples are plentiful. He once climbed an anchored ship's mast shouting "Land ahoy!" He once called an obvious psychopath a 'cunt' and nearly got us beaten up. Another time he wandered down The Strand loudly offering cheap sausages and roll-up cigarettes to toffs emerging from posh hotels and restaurants. Summy likes being rat-arsed a great deal.

A photograph of Summy looking like an utter retard still exists. There is no other word to use for the unique expression captured in this picture. Totally retarded.

Summy has big ears.