Welcome to my square of this wonderful quilt! Hello and welcome to my square. I want to share a bit with you about what it is like to be in recovery from Childhood Sexual Trauma. I have had many diagnosis but the one that has stuck over the years is DID (Multiple Personaility Disorder). This is not a disorder nor am I mentally challanged. I see DID just like a file cabinet. I have all these folders in my head and within each folder is the memories of my childhood. Each folder has a name and that is the name of my alters. Once I can unlock the folders and I can sort through the information I can then refile the information in a more sysmatic order and thus I will then begin to intergrate. That is my goal.
My recovery has taken many turns as I have walked this journey. The most recent turn my life has taken is I have accepted Christ as my personal Savior. This is a major VICTORY for me. See alot of my abuse took place within "religious beliefs". I have found that in the few months that I have accept Christ my depression is not near as bad. I swore many years ago that I would never have anything to do with religion again. I don't see me as a religious person but I am definately a person with Spiritual Guidance and I believe that guidance comes from my faith in Christ.
For many years I struggled in my recovery. I couldn't seem to get unstuck. I couldn't seem to get past all the pain, shame and guilt that goes with being a trauma survivor. I felt this void in my life. I felt like there was no hope for me anywhere.
I learned at a very young age that people didn't want me around. That I was not like your average child. I was the smelly kid in school. I was the dirtry rejected child. I was the one that no one wanted to be friends with. My retreat inwards was a safety mechnism for me. It kept me safe for I didn't have to deal with people unless I was forced to. I learned that I couldn't count on anyone and I didn't dare trust anyone.Over the years through recovery I have accepted that my mind tells me many lies. I have learned that the abuse was not my fault but my brain still wants to tell me that it is. So I have to trust others to begin to really tell me the truth.
It has taken many years but I have really begun to trust other people. I have learned to open up and share what is really going through my mind. I have learned that I have to talk about what I am thinking and feeling or I am going to listen to all the lies that I was taught so many years ago.
Today I go to church regularly. I am not hurt there. I am working hard to find myself and believe in what I know to be true. I attend one of the most caring accepting churches I have been too. They don't judge due to Mental Health Diagnosis. I have found that without this spiritual side of my recovery I would still be stuck in my misery. I accept Christ as my Savior on May 4th, 2003 and I plan to be baptised soon. Back To Index
