Hello from Qwillpen and the Village, as we call ourselves. We are not sure how many of us there are, as we discover and unearth new memories and alters often. There are about eighty alters in what we call the Village Proper, the two utmost layers of an eighteen layer upside down pyramid, with the birth child in the deepest part; the tip, or Level 18.
The following may be triggering, not because I write much about abuse, but because the following is about gut level self honesty (or maybe selves honesty), and some people are not ready to hear some of what I am saying. Also, please understand that this is true for me, it may or may not be the case with you. If you find yourself getting angry, it may be that it does apply to you, but please don't read any further if you aren't ready for some very hard truths.
I am a 32-year-old female with multiple personalities. Like one of my friends here on the quilt, I don't like the term "disorder", because it really is a defense against unspeakable horrors perpetrated on children. I have realized more and more of my history lately. I say realized and not remembered because I never forgot that I was abused. I always knew it, even when I refused to tell anyone, I still knew what had happened to me. What I have realized in the past couple of years is the damage that abuse caused, and all of the maladaptive behavior I have been using to survive.
I thought for a long time about what I wanted to put here on the quilt, and I thought I would just tell you a little about my history and then direct you to our other webpages. This morning (well, ok, this afternoon) I woke up knowing that I couldn't just write another summary of my abuse, I had to write about recovery. There is nothing I could say about my abuse or my abusers that is any different from a thousand other people. I had to write something different, something that is meaningful. Not that my history isn't important, it is, but my recovery is about TODAY, and that is far more important.
We, like most multiples, have a long history of abuse by several perpetrators. In my recovery, I have discovered that although the abuse I suffered was never my fault, I did play a part in that abuse as an adult. I am not saying that it was my fault that I was hurt by people as an adult, but I did have all the signs of a "victim", which made me an easy target for con artists, including my ex-husband who molested my daughter. I want to be very clear here, I am not saying that these things were my fault, only that I must take responsibility for my own part in them. Perhaps I can best explain it by using an old 12-step group saying - "I am not responsible for my abuse, but I am responsible for my recovery".
As I have grown in recovery, I have found that I have used a set of what I call "survival skills". These skills have enabled me to survive the worst kinds of abuse, but the problem is that they only allowed me to survive, not to thrive. At 32 years old, I came to realize that I was in relationships that were manipulative and damaging, that I was spending a great deal of time just trying to get people to do what I wanted. This was hard stuff. I mean, I didn't want to admit that I was needy and manipulative. I surely didn't want to admit that I was spending most of time finding ways to keep people focused on me, the victim of life. And I surely didn't want to admit that maybe I was allowing myself to be further victimized. No, the abuse I have endured as an adult was not my fault, but I allowed it because I had no boundaries. I allowed people into my innermost places and trusted them even when they proved over and over to be untrustworthy. I ran from people who saw me as I really was, because I didn't want to see the truth. I also didn't think these people would like me, because I didn't like me. I also ran from them because they refused to be manipulated, and I didn't know how to have relationships with trustworthy and healthy people who had boundaries.
These realizations were hard and painful for me. I didn't like what I was looking at. It took me awhile to accept this about myselves, and even longer to take action, but when I decided to take action, I did it, without reservations. I cleaned house, big time, and it was so very difficult. I had to literally throw some people out of my life, those who were bent on "rescuing" me daily, those who were unhealthy and took advantage of my weak or nonexistent boundaries. It HURT. The people I left behind began a nasty campaign against me, spreading lies and false rumors about me, but I held fast. I held on to the few friends I had left, and I hung on tight. Almost too tight. I had to be careful not to choke the life out of those relationships as well, how to begin to have the boundaries I needed to thrive, to have healthy relationships, to be happy! There is a good reason I used the picture above for this page. See, for years I have given so much power to this magical date, the date of my birth. Some horrible things happened to me on that day, and I have made every birthday horrible since because I "chose" to make it difficult. December 18th is just another day in the year, but the above picture was taken this last December, in 1999, on my birthday. Do you see what happened? I am actually laughing, ON my birthday!! How amazing is that?
I learned some powerful lessons this past year. And none of it was easy, none of it was nice, it hurt and it hurt badly. But you know what? It doesn't hurt anymore. The pruning I did has done just what pruning a tree does, it allows new things to grow. I pulled out the overgrown weeds in my garden, and now flowers cannot only grow, but they can THRIVE!! I see beauty in life again, and I see myself and my system as a whole much differently.
For me and mine, the 12-steps of recovery are my lifeline, both in the past and now. Just like that tree, I require rigorous pruning sometimes. I am reminded of the surgery my husband had to have about a month ago. He had developed an infection in his leg that spread underneath and they had to go in and cut away all the dead tissue. I have watched this process and have seen new, healthy and ALIVE tissue grow where the dead tissue once was. I know the surgery was painful for my husband, and I know the recovery has been hard work for him, and it continues to be. Recovery is not maintenance-free, you must keep going back now and then and looking a little deeper each time, knowing it will hurt right now, but in the future a new, healthy and wonderful you can grow.
We, as the many and varied persons we are, have created many websites. We have finally brought them all together on one pointer page. Just click on the GO button, and you will see a list of them all. There is "My Journey", our most extensive website, complete with pictures, the landscape and description of our inner world, and articles on things like therapy and attention-seeking. The littles in my system picked up on HTML long before I learned it, and they have created several websites of their own, including putting a book they wrote online. Finally, there is the activism I involve myself in, through It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child, Day of the Child, and ASARian. Each of these organizations are dedicated to education and prevention of child abuse in all its forms, and I am proud to be a part of them. Thanks for taking the time to view my square here on the quilt, and email me if you have any questions or comments.
