The International Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dyslexic Newborn Gerbils

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Gerbil Case Studies

Gerbil Poetry:

     Thug Gerbil Rap

"Yo, homie G, I was walkin' down da streetz....
and up came to meetz
sum catz black as the streetz
they started beatin' my face,
an' I was losing my space, 
when I woke up and realized I'd just stained my sheets....

So i rosed to my feetz and said what da dilly you i gots ta eatz
so dey said, word, dat's kewl, let's go to chuck e. cheese an' get us some treatz
so i sais no we should go to da Dariy Queen
and getz some hot eatz and kewl treetz,

So we wuz eatin' our blizzards
in da dairy queen....
out out pops this ghetto rap slap zeen,
we was rappin our christian gangsta rap
and blap out comes a slap....
....and I told my dogz, word, I need uh nap
so i hit the sack
and dey said, "word, dat's whack"
"word up y'all"
"yo yo yo MC Austin in da houze"
"uh"  " uh"
"yeah yeah uh yeah yeah uh uh uh "
"lookin for a thug girl"
yo yo yo ezthomas commin on down
"thug ggggggiiiiiiirrrrrrlllllll" (in a low tone)
"yo, mc austin, what I be looking fo again?"
a thug girl
yo yo
" yo yo yeah uh uh uh dat's right, foo"
we be lookin' for a thug woman, a thug girl...hell, I even be lookin' fo uh thug gerbil"
word up foo...I need uh Thug Gerbil

-TGR & ALH, 2000

Gerbil Timeline


In the back woods of West Virginia
Lived the best burrower in millennia
He was a dyslexic newborn gerbil named Bobby
And burrowing was his hobby
He had trained all his life
Digging tunnels like a knife
At the national championship he was the best
Leaving behind in the dirt all the rest
But when his dyslexia was discovered by the judge
Against Bobby he held a grudge
And his trophy was taken away
But best burrower Bobby will stay.

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Twas the Night Before Christmas
-- Little Rascals style!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a "running-mouse".

The gerbils were settled
All snug in their nests
While visions of pumpkin seeds
Danced in their heads.

The stockings were hung
By the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicolas
Soon would be there.

After checking the pups,
Sherlock the dad
Had just settled down
For a well-deserved nap.

When somewhere outside
There came such a sound
All the gerbils were startled
From their nests, with a bound.

They peeked through the glass
With their fur all mussed,
To see what had made
Such a noisy fuss.

With ears all perked
And whiskers all trembling,
They waited to see
What that noise was portending.

To their listening ears
Came a merry voice,
The sound of which
Would make anyone rejoice.

"On Dasher, on Dancer,
On Prancer, on Vixen!
On Comet, on Cupid,
On Donner, on Blitzen!

To the top of the roof
To the top of the wall,
Now dash away, dash away,
Dash away all!"

And then the next instant
They heard from the roof
The unmistakeable sound
Of reindeer hooves.

The pups were frightened
And started to thump,
When down the chimney
St. Nick came with a "Whuump!"

The startled gerbils
Froze all in place
And stared at this fellow
With the rosy face.

His eyes how they twinkled
His dimples how merry
His cheeks were like roses
His nose like a cherry.

His beard was as white
As Gabriel's tummy,
His stomach even bigger
Than Miss Piggy's belly.

His voice was merry
Yet soothing to hear,
And the gerbils relaxed,
Knowing they need not fear.

With a wink and a nod,
He turned to his bag,
Filling all the stockings
So full that they sagged.

The gerbils watching
With very bright eyes
Wondered if St. Nick
Cared for "people" their size.

Anxiously they watched
The presents appear.
Would there be something
For them this year?

Would they be remembered
With love and joy?
Or be forgotten
Like last year's old toys?

With each present
Their hopes did dwindle
Their eyes grew sad
And lost their twinkle.

Their whiskers and tails
Drooped in despair,
It seemed that for them
St. Nick did not care.

When all the stockings
Were filled to the brim,
St. Nicolas turned
And gave them a grin.

To the gerbil tanks
He came with a bound,
And opened his bag
With a chuckling sound.

The biggest bag
Of pumpkin seeds ever,
A spray of millet seeds
That seemed to go on forever!

Wood toys, tubes,
And wheels galore,
He piled all these things
By the tanks on the floor.

The gerbils all jumped
And ran with joy.
He'd remembered them
And brought them toys!

With a wink at Sherlock
And a nod of his head,
He vanished up the chimney,
A blur in red.

They heard him exclaim
Out into the night,
"Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night!"

They gazed at their presents
Through the tank glass,
With sudden frustration
Up and down they danced.

The humans were all
Still asleep it seemed,
How were they going
To get to their pumpkin seeds?!?

-- T. Lyman, 1998

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