After the exhausting battle with Sephiroth, Tifa relocated
her bar to Nibelheim and
took residence in her old home.
Cloud moved back in to his own home after the old
woman mysteriously disappeared
after meteor. Unfortunately the bar was never complete
because of the lack of Gils. Tifa
had to take two jobs to pay for some of the wood used
for the construction of the bar. To
make matters worse, it was unbearably hot in
Nibelheim the day Tifa decided to
work on the bar and there was no way of cooling off.
Vincent decided to stay in the
Shinra Mansion because the old house suited his moods.
He driven out the monsters that
haunted the mansion and somehow placed Lost Number
back in the safe. Since YingYang
never leaves the basement and hardly causes trouble, he
lets the monster stay. Tifa was
found in the incomplete bar lying on her back on top of
the table. Her face was covered
with sweat and her hair clenched to her face. Cloud came
in with a pitcher of cold water and
poured two glasses for Tifa and himself.
Tifa: Damn it! Why does it have to
be so hot today!?
Cloud (drinking): Sip…
Tifa: I wish the sun would go away
so I could cool off.
Cloud: Sip Sip…
Tifa: I wish these stupid bills
would go away as well.
Cloud: Sip Sip Sip…
Tifa: I wish you would stop sipping
so loud.
Cloud: blink blink blink.
Tifa: Cloud!
Cloud: What?!
Tifa: Stop that.
Cloud: Stop what?
Tifa: Ahhh just forget it!
Cloud: Okay.
Tifa got up from the table and wiped the sweet from her face with a
cloth that was left
behind. A gust of wind suddenly
blown into the bar through the unfinished roof and
quickly died out. A loud roar was
heard and quieted after a while.
Anonymous1: You #%$^#$, you
stupid @#$%$%^. I hate your @#$%^&!
Anonymous2: Me! What did I do you
@#$%^&*#. It’s your @#$%^ fault you white
@#$%^
^@#$% face!
Anonymous1: lllll @#$%^ you!
Tifa giggled, knowing who it was. Cloud signed and forced
himself up. Both Barret
With Marlene and Cid came inside.
After the battle with Sephiroth, Barret retured to
Coral in hopes of restoring the old
ghost town. Cid decided to go back to rocket town
where he finally apologized to Sara
for being an #$^$#^.
Cid: That’s it! I’m tired of this
#$%#$# beeper.
Cid walkes up to the mysteries beeper and destroys the
helpless object with rage.
Cid: Take that you fucken piece of
fucken shit.
Cid continues to stab the already unrepairable beeper.
Tifa: Where did that beeper come
from?
Barret: How the fuck am I suppose
to know? How about you Spike Ass?
Cloud: Why won’t you shut the fuck
up you marshmallow.
Barret (screaming): Stop insulting
my sailor suit!!!
Marlene: Daddy I’m hungry!
Cid: Yeah me too!
Marlene: He’s not your daddy.
Barret: I’ll have nightmares for
life if he is my son.
Tifa: Lets all go to my place. I
can come up with something.
Cloud: Is this a trap for me?
Tifa (mischievous): NO!!!!
Cloud: …
Yuffie and Vincent were playing a hard game of chest. Nanaki
was watching
and Cait Sith was complaining about
how nobody wanted to have their fortune
read.
Cloud: Hey Tifa, how many games did
they played?
Tifa: How many?
Cloud: Yeah that’s what I said “how
many?”
Tifa: This is still their first
game Cloud.
Cloud: First game?
Tifa: Yup.
Cloud: How long were they playing?
Tifa: Almost a whole week.
Cloud: A Whole Week!!!
Tifa: Almost a week.
The game was never finished. Vincent and Yuffie were dragged
out of the bar.
Nanaki and Cait Sith followed along
with hopes of getting their stomach filled.
Tifa came in first, followed by
Barret and Cid, who were carrying a numb Yuffie
and Vincent. It was obvious that
they haven’t moved from their seats for the week
during the chest match, therefore
cutting the blood circulation from
their legs.
Yuffie: I’m
hunnnnnnnnnnggggggggrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy!!!
Vincent: I’m
dyyyyyyyyyyyyiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg!!!
Cid: Shut up you knuckleheads.
Cloud enters the house with his guard up, afraid of a
surprise attack from Tifa.
He was relieved when he was
confirmed that Tifa was already in the kitchen, singing
a familiar tune.
Tifa (singing): I want to be the
very best that no one every was…
Cloud: Oh no not Pokemon again.
Tifa: To catch them is my real
test, to train them is my cause…
Cloud: No don’t sing. No more!!!
Tifa: You always love to spoil my
fun.
Cloud: By singing the Pokemon theme
song!
Tifa: Hey don’t make fun of
pokemon. It’s very educational.
Cloud: And sickening cute!
Tifa: Hey don’t make fun of the
pikachus!
Cloud: It’s a rat!
Tifa: It’s really a mouse.
Cloud: What’s the difference?
Tifa: One’s cute, one’s not.
Cloud: Two words.
Tifa: What?
Cloud: Rat poison!!!
Tifa: Eeek!!!
Cloud: ;)
Cloud runs out of the kitchen as pots and pans somehow gained
the ability
to fly at full force against his
head with Tifa screaming at Cloud for being cruel
against the pikachus and the other
pokemon.
Cloud: But it’s only a TV show.
Tifa: Go away or you won’t get fed.
Cloud (pounting) You may have won
the battle, but the war is not over!
Cloud walks towards the dinning area, dragging his Napoleon
hat with him. He
quietly sits down. Barret and Cid
were swapping stories on how much alcohol they
can hold and get drunk with.
Marlene was playing with Nanaki’s tail. Nanaki was
careful with the small child and
every time she came close to touching the flame he
flicks his tail away from her. Cait
Sith was harassing everyone into telling them their
fortune. Yuffie was looking for an
opportunity to steal some materia and Vincent was
silently brooding. Aeris
mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Tifa finished making the
meal and placed the food on the
table. Everyone rushed to get their share before
everything was gone.
Tifa: Cloud.
Cloud: Yes Tifa?
Tifa: Can you take the trash out
for me?
Cloud: But I’m eating now.
Tifa: It’s only two seconds.
Cloud: But…
Tifa: JUST DO IT!
Cloud: grrr FINE.
Tifa (whispers to herself): My plan
is working.
Cloud walks to the kitchen and collects the trash. He
mumbles to himself how he was
being unappreciated and forced into
hard labor AKA taking out the trash. He walks
through the small allay that is
between Tifa and his own house. A small tattered noise
broke the silence of the night.
Cloud: God we are starting to sound
like a married couple.
?????: Hisssss…
Cloud: What was that?
?????: Hiss Hiss.
Cloud: I think I should start running
now.
A small furry animal jumped from one of garbage can and
angrily hissed at Cloud.
It’s face was white, but the rest
of the body was a smoky gray and has a rat-like tail. The
small possum growled and hissed
even louder.
Cloud: Good possum. I know you
won’t attack me so I’ll be going now.
Possum: Hissss!
Cloud: Umm Barret, Vincent… help.
Possum: grrrr.
Cloud: Um somebody. I need help
with the killer possum here!
The possum jumped on his face and attacked Cloud.
Cloud: AHHHHH! SHIT!!!!!
Possum: munch munch…
Cloud: Fuck it’s trying to eat
me!!!
Possum: scratch scratch…
Cloud: GET IT OFF!!!!
Possum: growl
Cloud: AHHH!!!
Barret heard screams coming from outside and looks out the
window. He saw half
the body of Cloud being suspended
in the air and the other half was covered by the trash
tank. Screams of pain and agony
filled the air as the body was launched into the air.
Cloud crashed against the wall, but
the possum suddenly vanished.
Barret: Yo Cloud what happened to
you foo.
Cloud: Po..Po.. POSSUM!!!
Barret: What the $%^%#% happened to
you?
Cloud: POSSUM!!!
Barret: #%$%^$ that #$%^&
beeper is back!
Cloud: POSSUM!!!
Barret: Huh???
The possum broke through the window and grabbed Barret by
the beard and dragged
him outside. Everyone watched in
shock as a mysteries force was pulling Barret outside.
Barret: #$%^^&%$!!!
Cloud: Oh no the possum got
Barret!!! Lucky me.
Barret: Die you
#$%^&$%^&!!!
Yuffie: No don’t kill it!!!
Barret: AND LET IT EAT ME!!!
Yuffie: You taste bad so it won’t
really eat you.
Barret: Why you little @#$%^&.
Cloud: RUN IT’S COMING BACK!!!
Barret: REEEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
The possum ran to the front of the house saw Cid having a
smoke. The possum
crawled towards the blond and tried
to steal the cigarette from his hand.
Cid: What the #$%^& are you?
#$%^& the beeper’s back!
Zangan came back from his trip to Wutai after Sephiroth’s
attack on Nibelheim. The
possum lost his interest on Cid’s
cigarette and went after Zangan’s red cape. The possum
attacked Zangan until he lay
helpless on the ground from the possum’s attack. Tifa
rushed out of her home and stood by
her master’s wounded side.
Tifa: Master, speak to me!
Zangan (weak voice): Tifa… I have
taught you everything I know. Now you must go and
spread my teachings around the world.
Tifa: Are you okay master?
Zangan: Tifa I… I am…dying.
Tifa: But it’s only a couple of
scratches.
Zangan: Tifa, respect your old
master’s wishes. It may be hard, but you will live through
it.
Tifa: But you’re nowhere near
you’re death.
Zangan: Tifa…please…remember…
Tifa (interrupts): Don’t start with
the Lion King.
Zangan:………. Party pooper……(death)
Clould: ….. someone pass me a
stick.
Aeris: Here, you can use my staff.
Cloud: Good enough…..
Cloud starts poking Zangan’s body to see if he was really
dead.
Cloud: I think he is really dead..
Zangan: X_X
Tifa: Quick CPR!
Everyone took a few steps back away from Tifa and the not to
sure dead Zangan.
Cloud: You’re joking right?
Tifa: Hell no and besides you did
it once before.
Cloud: And did you know what that
got me?!
Barret: Is there going to be
another flashback?
Cloud: Author flashback please.
Barret: Don’t do it or I’ll shoot
you.
KT: I’m the author and so I can
make you not shoot me.
Barret: Oh.
KT: Flashback coming up! Stay
seated at all times and please keep your hands and feet
inside the ride at all times.
Barret: What is this some kind of
#$%^ amusement park?
KT: You cuss too much.
Barret: So what’s your #$%^&
problem you little #$%^&.
Kt: You are a litt..uh big evil
person and for your dirty mouth I will put a curse on you.
Barret: What the fuck are you going
to do? Hey the beeper’s gone.
KT: For now on when you cuss the
beeper of hell will come and you will be the only
one who will be censored.
Barret: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo
:cough cough: ooooooooooooooooooo.
KT: SHUT UP!!!!
Barret:…
KT: Okay bye bye.
KT jumps back out of computer screen
and continues watching Barret.
Barret:
Grrr that #$%^&*. Nooo.
Tifa: Who
was she?
Cloud: She
is heroine of hell.
Tifa: Why
Hell?
Cloud:
Because she made Barret shut up.
Tifa: But
she only made him stop cussing.
Cloud:
99.9% OF ALL THE WORDS HE SAYS ARE CUSS WORDS!
Tifa: Oh.
Cloud: Okay
she left me the manual. Let’s see what it says… What the… are these baby
pictures? Aww is that Barre… man
he’s ugly.
Barret: I
had #$%^& chickenpox! Damn you KKKKKKKTTTTTTTTT. (starts panting)
Cloud: Okay
flashback time. Okay everyone repeat these words and do what I do.
Everyone:
Okay.
Cloud:
Blue’s can do we can do (dddddddduuuuuuuuuwwwwww)
Everyone:
0_0*
Cloud mysteriously gets sucked into a
picture with him doing CPR.
Tifa: Okay
lets get this over with.
Cid: Hell
no I’m not doing the dancing and singing shit!
Tifa: Do
you want to stay with the possum instead?
Cid:….
Let’s Go!!!
Possum:
Hissss.
Cid: Everyone
do the Blue!!!
Tifa:
Hurry!
Everyone:
Blue’s can do we can do Vincent!!!!
Vincent
(monotone): What?
Everyone:
Hurry!!
Vincent:
I’ll just give the possum KFC.
Everyone:
Whhhhaaaaaaaaattttttttttt. (ddddddduuuuuuuuwwwwww)
Vincent
(monotone): Okay let’s go, but don’t eat the….too late.
The possum finished eating the picture
and begged for more food.
Vincent:
Now what? Marlene do you want draw?
Marlene:
Kay. J
Marlene uses her magic crayons of Oz
to recreate the picture of Cloud.
Marlene:
All finished!
Vincent:
Okay let’s go. I’ll take the chocobo instead. My driver’s license expired
30 years ago.
Marlene:
Let’s take the shiny one.
Vincent, Marlene, and the possum left
to KFC on the gold chocobo. Meanwhile
In the
flashback…
Cloud: Okay
everyone we’re here.
Tifa: Oh my
God he’s about to do CPR.
Aeris: I
can’t watch!
Tifa and
Aeris: No don’t do it Cloud.
Cid: It’s a
flashback. It’s too late.
In the flashback Cloud was doing CPR
to Priscilla
Priscilla:
bluahh
Cloud: gulp
bluahhhhhh uhh bluuu. (passes out)
Later after Priscilla’s rescue Cloud
spent all day in the bathroom washing his mouth
with
mouthwash and toothpaste, trying to remove the residue of the vomit.
Cloud: I’m
never doing CPR again. I’ll just let them die!
End of flashback.
Cloud: Ok
lets go home, someone get the manual.
Tifa:
What’s inside that bag?
Cloud: Lets
see…….. what the, it’s a pair of red glass slippers.
Barret: What do you do with those?
Cloud: The manual says that the
tallest person present must put it on, tap the heels of the
shoes together three times, and say there’s no place
like home three times.
Everyone, but Barret: ^_^ ohhhh
Barret…
Barret: #$%^&*(*&^%$ you
@#$%^&*(^%$#$ cause #$%^&$# I will #$%^%$ not ya
$%^&*(*^% HERE!!!
Everyone, but Barret (Flaming
eyes): DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: Gulp… pass me them shoes.
Tifa: Here you go.
Barret: Now how the @#$% do you put
these @#$%^ shoes on.
Cloud: Just push your fat ass feet
in.
Barret: What the @#$% you called
me?
Glass slippers shatters.
Barret: HOLY @#$% MY @#$% FEET,
SOMEONE HELP I’M @#$%^ BLEEDING.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FALT YOU SKINNY @#$%, @#$%^, @#$%^.
Cloud: Doesn’t he realizes I’m over
here, and that he is cussing at Mr. Dolphin.
Oh well let’s do the blue.
Barret: WHAT???????
Tifa: SHITTTTT we forgot about
Zangan.
Back in the real world.
Zangan (singing): Rubber ducky
you’re the one, you make bath time so much fun. To bad
a Wutaian girl stole you thinking you
were a material.
Back in the flashback/picture world.
Yuffie: Here Mr. Dolphin you can
have this rubber ducky I have. So forget what Barret
said to you. How did I got this again?
Cloud: Ok, lets go.
Everyone: Blue’s can do we can do.
(ddddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeee).
Back at real world. The possum,
Vincent, and Marlene return to find everyone
back from
their flashback, but covered with crayon marks.
Tifa: I’m
red!
Aeris: I’m a
blond. How did this happened?
Cloud: I’m
okay.
Aeris: No
you’re not a blond. You have brown hair.
Cloud:
Nooooooo! Really?
Aeris: …
Zangan: Help
me!
Possum:
Hissss….
Zangan: Stay
back!!!
Possum:
Crunch crunch
Zangan:
AHHHHHHHHHHH.
Tifa:
Master!!
Zangan: Tifa
forget about me. Save yourself!
Tifa: Okay
sure. See ya.
Zangan: This
is the last time I see one of those war movies.
Possum: Hehe
Zangan:
NOOO! Stay away from me!
Possum:
Crunch…
Zangan:
AHHHH…
Tifa: Cloud
do something.
Cloud: Sure
I’ll watch the leftover food.
Tifa:
Cloud!!!
Cloud: Tifa
watch out the possum is coming after you!
Tifa winced in fear as the possum ran
towards her, baring his teeth at her. The
possum came
closer to her, but jumped over her head and attack Cloud instead.
Cloud: AHHH!
Vincent shoot it, shoot it!
Vincent:
Stand back.
Yuffie:
No!!! Don’t shoot it!
BANG!!!
Cloud:
Ahhhhhhhhh. ( X X )
Tifa: Ahhhh
Cloud!!!
Vincent
(Twitching): I….. I missed I……. never miss.
Yuffie: At
least the possum was saved.
Cloud: I’m
still alive but…….ahhhh.
Tifa: The
possum!
Vincent:
I’ll get it this time.
Cloud:
NOOOOOO
BANG (repeatedly)
Cloud laid silently on the ground.
Everyone stood silent, not knowing what to do.
Cloud seemed
to be dead, but he whispered his last words.
Cloud: The
light. The angels have come to take me away. I can finally rest in peace…es.
Barret: Cid
turn off that flashlight yo foo.
Tifa: Shut
up Barret. Vincent, pass me a phoenix down.
Vincent: I
missed again. I never missed before. Oh gods I’m finally losing it!
Tifa: You
sad, sad man.
Vincent:
Huh?
Tifa: I said
pass me a phoenix down.
Vincent:….
Tifa:
Vincent I’m waiting. Hurry before Cloud dies for good.
Cloud: X_X
Vincent: I…
Yuffie: Ahhh
the possum just ate the phoenix downs.
Tifa:
What!!!!
Vincent
(monotone): The possum was hungry and I had nothing to give it.
Tifa
(outraged): And so you gave it all of the phoenix downs!
Vincent
(coolly): Yes.
Tifa: HOW
COULD YOU!?
Vincent:
Don’t you have that life materia?
Tifa: Oops…I
forgot about that. Hehe sorry.
Tifa revives Cloud, but nobody had a
full-cure or any healing materia with them.
Cloud was
rushed to the Mideel Clinic along with Barret who was bleeding from
unknown
places. Yuffie suggested that his gunarm was leaking. Everyone waited
outside so
that the doctors has enough space to do their jobs. Once the doctors were
done they
were permitted inside. Inside the small room, small gifts and get well cards
were placed
on a small table that the nurse has left behind. Yuffie had the possum on a
lease during
their visit.
Yuffie: So
Cloud, Barret, how are you two doing?
Cloud: Fine
just please…keep the possum away for now.
Yuffie: Okay
fine, but what are we going to do with the possum?
Cloud: I
have an idea.
-Shinra
Building
Secretary:
Mr. President you received a package.
Rufus: From
who?
Secretary:
Don’t know sir, there’s no sender.
Rufus: Fine
you may leave now.
Secretary:
Thank you sir.
Rufus: Now
lets see what we have here.
Rufus opens the package.
Rufus: Hmm
What the. AHHHH!
Possum
(jumps out of the box): Graaaaah!
Rufus:
Someone call secrurity!
Possum:
Munch Munch….
Rufus: CALL
ANIMAL CONTROL INSTEAD!!!