310301 » If you thought taxi drivers were weird...

Ok, so I forgot that trains are always screwed up on weekends cause of track work and stuff. Instead, I walked all the way to the station to catch a train home after spending two hours researching at the library. On a Saturday. Yes, a Saturday. Shut up.

Anyway, soon enough I was ushered down to the bus bay where a single bus was just pulling up. Sweet, I thought, I won't have to wait! 

I wasn't too worried that I was the ONLY person getting on the bus. Nope, I got on quietly and without too much complaint, and sat down preparing for a long ride. 

Then the bus driver attempted to make chit chat. I was sitting halfway up the aisle, so I couldn't really hear him properly and he had to scream out, but this was in no way a deterrent for him. He continued on, talking about how he hates old buses, how he's so loyal to his boss and the only thing he asks in return is to be put him in a new bus... but nooo, his boss is a prick!

At this point I was reminded of that episode in Seinfield, where Elaine tries to concoct a plan so she doesn't have to make conversation with the over-friendly taxi driver. Except, this bus driver was a tad more bizarre.

Bus Driver: Hey. Do you mind if I make a quick stop over for a drink?

Me: *not sure if I heard him right* Errr... what?

Bus Driver: I'll just be a minute! *pulls over to the nearest gas station, gets out and heads for the shop, leaving me sitting there like an idiot*

Me: Omg...

Bus Driver: *runs back* What would you like to drink?

Me: WHAT?!

Bus Driver: I'll buy you a drink!

Me: No, really, thanks, I'm fine... really.

Bus Driver: *runs off and buys me an orange juice*

I started to get the feeling that this was so ordinary bus ride. So, I did the only rational thing I could think of at the time. I messaged Sarah. I was on the verge of incredulous laughter.

Then we were off again, driving up the highway, the strange bus driver and myself. I was still sitting a few metres away, but he insisted on talking. He started to give me a history lesson on buses and trains, his job, and basically his whole life. 

Bus Driver: See, those rail lines, they're a derailment waiting to happen!

Me: Oh...

Bus Driver: They're been there for over a hundred years!

Me: Yeah...

Bus Driver: And people don't realise that you don't need a train ticket on weekends. When the trains are messed up, they're free! Let me give you some advice *looks at me through the mirror* don't buy train tickets!

Me: *nods* Okay.

He continued on and on for a while. I couldn't hear half of what he was saying, but he didn't seem to care. I caught snippets of his discussion, a little about arrogant Cityrail workers, a whinge about his job, and some more advice on dodging train fares. I turned to face the window, uninterested and feeling the beginnings of a headache.

Then, he changed the topic.

Bus Driver: This morning a lady threw up all over this bus.

Me: *jumps up* WHATTTT!!?!?! Where?!?!

Bus Driver: Yeh, it was gross. She was sitting right behind you.

Me: OHMYGOD! 

Bus Driver: I had to take the bus home and clean it myself! I washed it down with two buckets of disinfectant. There was spew everywhere. All over the walls. All down the aisle...

Me: ...

I wanted to get off right then and there. NOW he bothers to tell me that I'm practically sitting in spew, I thought. Bastard! Yuk! I was getting worried about this bus ride. More worried about the bus driver, though.

Then finally, after an hour of isolation, another girl got on the bus! HALLELUJAH! Now I could breathe normally, now I could ignore him and pretend to talk to her!

But no... he kept talking.

Bus Driver: Let me give you some advice...

Me: *sigh*

Bus Driver: See those blue buses, don't ever use them! They don't know where they're going! They haven't been trained... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

The girl looked at me as if to ask, what's he going on about? I broke out into a fit of laughter. I couldn't help it! It was the most bizarre bus ride I've ever had! She stared at me like I was the freak... 

I tried to explain to her about what I'd just been through. She looked like she wanted to switch buses. Then we got talking and it turned out she was doing a journalism degree, so we huddled together into a corner as a defense against the weird bus driver, ignoring him and chatting amongst ourselves. By this time, there were about four other people on the bus. Then...

Bus Driver: Um. Does anyone know where I'm supposed to turn here? Go straight or turn left?

*everyone on the bus looks at each other*

Girl: Don't you know where you're going?!

Bus Driver: This isn't my normal route! And the directions they gave me are 10 years old. This street doesn't exist anymore...

So we all sat there in confusion, me wondering whether this guy was really a bus driver. Maybe he's just some guy off the street who hijacked the bus, killed the bus driver, squished him into the back of the bus, and has taken over in order to persue a life-long dream of becoming a public servant. Now, we're all sitting here lost, our whole lives depending on whether he turns left or guesses to stay straight, and the real bus driver is in the back, DEAD! I looked him up and down, and only now realised he wasn't even wearing a bus driver's uniform. Oh my god, he's an amatuer, I panicked! 

I sipped at my orange juice. Maybe he's put something in my drink as well? I really need to get off this bus. 

But anyway, he turned left. And we ended up lost for about 10 minutes until he found a main street. He didn't seem too fussed though. He started complaining again.

Bus Driver: I haven't been on a damn holiday in 16 years! I work 14 hour shifts, 7 days a week. *shaking his head* Man, what a lifestyle! 

By this time, everyone was a little nervous. Perhaps if we pushed him, he would crack. He'd lose it, swerve off the road in an insane loss of control, crash, and we'd all die. Who knew what could happen! So we all stayed quiet, nodding every now and then in a show of support. 

But it's Okay. I'm still alive. There's no need to worry. After two hours of the most bizarre bus ride I have ever been on, he arrived at my station, and I jumped off after thanking him for the drink.

I am so NEVER going to the library on a Saturday again.

Jen,