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superkate: journal

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020401 » introspection

listening to | the tea party \ transmission
feeling | confused

8.35pm

i've been a little unhappy lately. i've been thinging too much. thinking about where my life is at and how people percieve me as a person.

something nick said to me last night really struck a chord. he asked if i had ever thought that my views on life were a little distorted. sure, i muck around and say im inlove with {insert rockstar here} one week and {insert rockstar here} the next , but it isn't real. it really surprised me that someone i consider to be one of my very best friends could think me so shallow.

it is true that most of the guys i take an interest in are musicians. it all stems from the fact that musicians are generally more able and willing to express their innermost thoughts and emotions. most musicians i quote as being 'inlove with' are songwriters. being open and able to communicate anything is something i cherish in a friend or boyfriend.

i think most people have a very one dimensional view of me - the gregarious, laughing girl who is always trying to be the centre of attention. i guess the fact that people perceive me like this is my own fault. this is the image i seem to project. the me i let others see.

in reality i am quite introspective. i have many doubts about myself and my life. i am very insecure about what i look like. any compliment someone gives me about my appearance is generally brushed aside as the person giving the compliment simply being nice, or even joking. people around me probably think that i have a bit of an ego as i am so loud and craving of attention. the truth is, my self esteem is really pretty low.

i have also been finding my life pretty mundane lately. i've found myself thinking about the situation i was in when i was going out with 'kinky muso' (not his real name). the best way to describe this relationship is as an emotional rollercoaster ride. he lived two hours away, so we kept in contact during the week through phone calls and chatting on the net, then spent our weekends together. i went to bed crying many, many times while we were going out, either because i missed him so much, or because we faught a lot when we were apart because we were frustrated we couldn't see each other. the distance made the relationship very intense, but it also eventually drove us apart.

lately i have been craving the gamut of emotions i went through when i was with 'kinky muso.' sure, the relationship was pretty torturous, but it was never dull. nothing was ever predictable. i feel like such a sadist saying this. a glutten for punishment. i think the real truth is that i am feeling very lonely at the moment and craving a warm body. someone i can share intense feelings with. i'm sure i will find it again, i just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

i guess the reason i wrote all this was because i am sick of feeling misunderstood. sure, it is funny to be thought of as a funloving sexual deviant, but that isn't the entirety of who i am. that's just the shallow exterior.

i promise my next entry will be a little more uplifting and a little less self indulgent. i will try to keep smiling too, i've been told it is infectious. at least when i am unhappy i can make someone else feel a little better. :)

xxx

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