superkate: journal
supervic | superjen | supersar |
superkate
020401 » introspection
listening to | the tea party \
transmission
feeling | confused
8.35pm
i've been a little unhappy lately. i've been
thinging too much. thinking about where my life
is at and how people percieve me as a person.
something nick said to me last night really
struck a chord. he asked if i had ever thought
that my views on life were a little distorted.
sure, i muck around and say im inlove with
{insert rockstar here} one week and
{insert rockstar here} the next , but it
isn't real. it really surprised me that someone i
consider to be one of my very best friends could
think me so shallow.
it is true that most of the guys i take an
interest in are musicians. it all stems from the
fact that musicians are generally more able and
willing to express their innermost thoughts and
emotions. most musicians i quote as being 'inlove
with' are songwriters. being open and able to
communicate anything is something i cherish in a
friend or boyfriend.
i think most people have a very one dimensional
view of me - the gregarious, laughing girl who is
always trying to be the centre of attention. i
guess the fact that people perceive me like this
is my own fault. this is the image i seem to
project. the me i let others see.
in reality i am quite introspective. i have many
doubts about myself and my life. i am very
insecure about what i look like. any compliment
someone gives me about my appearance is generally
brushed aside as the person giving the compliment
simply being nice, or even joking. people around
me probably think that i have a bit of an ego as
i am so loud and craving of attention. the truth
is, my self esteem is really pretty low.
i have also been finding my life pretty mundane
lately. i've found myself thinking about the
situation i was in when i was going out with
'kinky muso' (not his real name). the best way to
describe this relationship is as an emotional
rollercoaster ride. he lived two hours away, so
we kept in contact during the week through phone
calls and chatting on the net, then spent our
weekends together. i went to bed crying many,
many times while we were going out, either
because i missed him so much, or because we
faught a lot when we were apart because we were
frustrated we couldn't see each other. the
distance made the relationship very intense, but
it also eventually drove us apart.
lately i have been craving the gamut of emotions
i went through when i was with 'kinky muso.'
sure, the relationship was pretty torturous, but
it was never dull. nothing was ever predictable.
i feel like such a sadist saying this. a glutten
for punishment. i think the real truth is that i
am feeling very lonely at the moment and craving
a warm body. someone i can share intense feelings
with. i'm sure i will find it again, i just wish
it would be sooner rather than later.
i guess the reason i wrote all this was because i
am sick of feeling misunderstood. sure, it is
funny to be thought of as a funloving sexual
deviant, but that isn't the entirety of who i am.
that's just the shallow exterior.
i promise my next entry will be a little more
uplifting and a little less self indulgent. i
will try to keep smiling too, i've been told it
is infectious. at least when i am unhappy i can
make someone else feel a little better. :)
xxx
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