superkate: journal
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superkate
180801 » a moment of clarity
listening to | fantomas \
the director's cut
feeling | excited
last thursday i woke up with the strangest feeling. let's just say i have been living a permanent 'moment of clarity' since thursday morning.
i haven't talked about this relationship much in my journal entries. i have made a few subtle references, but never really mentioned it all that much.
last year i was in a pretty intense relationship with a guy who lived in sydney. he had a lot of emotional issues, and i thought i was the one to help him overcome these. we only went out for about six months, but we were much closer than couples usually become in that period of time.
we each relied on each other more than is probably healthy. he was manic depressive and told me that he was actually happy when i was with him. all i ever wanted was to know i could make this miserable person happy. he needed me and i needed him to need me.
we fought a lot when we weren't together. he was frustrated that i couldn't be there when he needed me, and i was frustrated that i couldn't be there for him. most nights we were apart i would go to sleep in tears after talking to him.
when we were together things were really good. i loved him with all my heart and he told me he loved me more than anyone else in his life. i lived at his place for 3-4 days one week and then he would stay at my place the next week.
my friends didn't like him. he was a pretty anti-social guy and because he didn't want to go out, i preferred to just hang out with him than going out by myself, because i barely saw him. i was growing apart from my friends and they didn't like it.
plus they were really pissed off about the fact i had given up drinking for him. they just thought that was such an un-me type thing to do. which it was.
oh, and they thought he was weird.
it got to the stage where i was beginning to think i should move to sydney at the end of the year, and just finish my degree at another university. although he maintained he would never let me move for him, i was convinced it was what i had to do.
but slowly things began to unwind. he started to become a little blase toward me. he got a regular saturday night gig, which he said meant he would not be able to travel to newcastle anymore. this partially an excuse so that he would not have to see my family anymore. he did not like my mother as my mother had told him she didn't like his influence on me. she had seen me changing, and i think he knew it was true.
then, i had my exams. i imposed an internet ban on myself so that i could concentrate on studying. this meant, for a few weeks, our contact was limited to a phone call every few days. immediately after i finished my exams, i jumped on a train to sydney to see him.
shortly after i got to his place, i found out he had planned a trip to brisbane the next week. he wasn't sure how long he would be gone for. i was angry because he had layed a massive guilt trip on me because he couldn't see me, and now here was he going away even thought i had told him i had two weeks completely free to share with him.
during the week i began to get suspicious of his motives for going away. eventually i found out one of his reasons for going away was to meet a girl. a girl whom he had been telling he loved and who he had been calling 'his angel.'
well, do have any idea what it is like to see a woman who has just found out the man she loves is cheating on her? ha! well he soon knew. when i realised what was going on, i stormed into the dining room where he was recording (a song for me, apparently), slapped him as hard as i could, and then walked back to his bedroom, where i started packing.
he followed a few seconds later and demanded to know what was going on. he soon realised i knew what he was up to. expletitives i never knew existed spewed forth from my mouth. we were both in tears as we realised i was ending the relationship. he knew if i ever found out he was doing anything behind my back that i would end it. it was the one thing he knew i could not handle.
perhaps if he had just gone out and screwed someone i wouldn't have been as hurt, but to know that he was saying things to this girl that he used to say to me, hurt me beyond belief. to know he could risk our relationship for someone he had never actually met hurt more.
he maintained she was just my substitute while i had exams. i told him that if that was true he wouldn't be going to brisbane to spend time with her instead of being with me.
and that was it. i walked out of his house for the last time...
that night a lot of freaky shit went down when i spoke to him on irc. i won't go into it because i really don't think it's fair for me to talk about it in a public medium. let's just say that i have never been so scared and worried for another person in my life.
for the first few months after we broke up i had a really tough time. i kept wondering what could have happened if we had met a few years later. i even thought about the idea of getting back with him when we had both grown up a little.
i saw him again six months after we broke up and he told me he still loved me. i told him that a part of me would always love him. he was the first person i had ever fallen for, and the first to fall in love with me. i hoped that we could be friends.
but, i haven't spoken to him for nearly another six months. he has changed a great deal since we broe up. so have i. i have matured a lot and value different things than i used to. i've learnt many lessons. but, although i was over the relationship, i still used to wonder what he was up to and how he was going.
that was until last thursday morning.
i woke up thinking "what the fuck was wrong with me? why the hell did i put up with his shit for so long?!" i thanked god that i got out of that relationship when i did. who knows where i would be now if i hadn't. the idea of ever being with him again repulsed me.
it feels like an entire chapter of my life is now completely behind me. i've finally totally let go and am ready to start a new phase of my life.
bring it on!
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