Vipassana Journal -3 *

This file contains my experience and leaning related to vipassana, and spiritual journey up to October, 2001.

I read this book with utmost interest. Shunryu Suzuki is a Soto Zen Master. His words are alive, simple, but around page 112, he goes deep into few koan like expressions that I found very interesting. The main message is yet, Shikan Taza, just sit. He says it is Hiniyana practice with Mahayana mind. I see a close link to Vipassana.

His emphasis on form/posture is interesting, almost seems too rigid. However, I see it indicating the point of equanimity emphasized in Vipassana. You have to hold your self, posture, and see what happens with open mind. In that balance of stableness and openness, we discover a new world - Bussho. It appears that there is a build up of some quality, cultivation of certain understanding leanred in our body from the practice of zazen. It may be expressed as cultivating the life energy, strengthening the power of quiet center to shine the wisdom to our often confused mind. It is to firmly establish the stable base, a spiritual center, our home, which is yet formless, and natural.

On page 87, he says, "To understand reality as a direct experience is the reason we practice Zen." As much as reality is impossible to describe with words, we are left with many expressions and practices orienting us to find the passage. It has an element of biological, psychological, and spiritual… and experiential contents. On appearance, certain expressions may or may not let us see the pure contents. But individually, we are to deepen the understanding. While I feel I understand many of these expressions, there are still mystical expressions. It may be that I need not to understand totally but to find the way in the practice in living "my" life. Moment to moment the test is on.

I just think when one lives his life truthfully and shares his view of life, there is something very lively and profound that is communicated as I found in this book. Thank you, Shunryu Suzuki!!! Your life, life's message, belief, appreciation of life was there in this short book. That, perhaps a part of your life, the energy, the belief, or your experience, is now living within me as well - in that eternal home we all reside.

In his wonderful short book, "Zen mind, beginner's mind" Shunryu Suzuki said, in essence, good is bad, pleasure is pain, black is white, heaven is hell, love is hate, oneness is diversity, and attachment is non-attachment, etc. (p 118, etc.) This is to indicate that so far as we are caught up in the dualistic world, we cannot have freedom/liberation. The insight is only found in the spiritual/absolute world so to speak. With insight, we are "free" in realizing "good is bad" etc., transcending the dualistic world. This is the point of "emptiness is form" and vice versa. Or, as he said, "In the emptiness of our original mind they are one, and there we find out perfect composure." (p130) This is the spiritual home.

Dogen said, in the darkness is the dawn. This expression of Dogen also indicates the same thing. That is, dualistic world by itself is the absolute world of no self, the spiritual world. It is two sides of the same coin. No matter what we think, everything is resolved in there. There is all the answer before the question is raised. (i.e., there is enlightenment before enlightenment.) In other words, A is not A as we think it is. Truth is not the same as spoken words. Although, human mind generates endless question as there is identity that asks for the judgment, good and bad, the myriad of options to choose from. But in that process there is nothing of "value" that is seen in emptiness, the absolute. It is just a game we play, and until we realize that we are playing this game as it is played in its own nature, we are the slaves of the game.

When we realize this spiritual home, there are still two ways to proceed. One is to take a stance of "Who cares, as it is as it is." The other is, "Because it is so, there is absolute force functioning in us to lead us forward." I sense that the former one missed the will of the heart. The latter is the enlightenment path where "what is"(absolute) and "what should be"(dualistic) is aligned, where our heart is the main driver. This is what I call the path of H-maximization - "May all being be happy." Enlightenment is in the activity/process.

Another koan referred in Shunryu Suzuki's book is, stop the sound of murmuring brook. Or, it could be, stop the sound of falling rain, or bring the fire from 100 miles away. Here again, we get trapped in our mind. We find we are bound when we play the game we always play in our conventional way. Koan just condenses the trap in few words so that how we get trapped is easily seen (for those who see it). The wall, the gateless gate, is set by those who went through the process and we, the follower, get trapped nicely. We need to see this. And if we do not see the essence of how we get trapped and bound up (and of course, hopefully, we find way to got out of it), even if one think he has solved a koan, he gets into another trap again. So, the key is not just solve the individual koan, but to solve "the trap" that is created by our own making. If we can do this, I sense all the koans are resolved.

So, that is Rinzai/koan approach - perhaps suited for those with intellectual bias. Again, to stop the rain falling, we need to see how "we" get caught up. And seeing this clearly and find the release by seeing and resolving itself is "the" purpose of resolving the koan. To find that there is no resolution is resolution - as it is. (There, A is not A, but A. Or, no resolution is not no resolution, it is no resolution/not no resolution. And that is resolution as it is.) If we do not find the way, the process, or the principle way, then, we are lost. When we see us released, then, do not get back into the trap by playing with that mind in the wrong way. Have a base. Easy to say, but still each of us needs the skills to internalize this. This is "the" experience (and hopefully "the" process) that koan exercise is teaching us. It is a silly game we play, that is to be realized. Until we find the skill to be free from any traps of life that is caused by our mind and dualistic view of the world, this game continues endlessly - until death. (Or, so far as life is death, it continues endlessly.)

Vipassana or Dogen's Shikantaza (Just sit) may teach "the" lesson in its own way. But, unless the principle way of release is realized (i.e., the faulty mechanism of mind function is realized), it may or may not help when one faces the problem of life. I see this repeated pattern. That is, even after ecstasy/awakening - so one think he experienced, he gets trapped again - big time! Even if this is almost expected, the bottom line is that we need to figure out the principle process of release insight, and hence the way of life. We may monitor what level of enlightenment ladder we are on, or how much we meditate or what technique we use and what sensation we get, etc. These discussions based on our discriminating mind may be interesting. But, it misses the point by a wide margin.

By the way, if one asks with deep faith for God to take over the small self, our contaminating mind, the result is the same - so I sense as I read Eckhart, for example. It is the release from ego, self- identity. And we find bliss - eternal bliss - as we go through this experience. Only human can experience this. In any case, as I look at this process, I see the same principle process applied. It is the giving up and accepting what it is as it is, that is the essence of getting back to our spiritual home. Then, stay equanimous, and hone the senses so that we don't get trapped by our own making easily. It requires keen awareness, the third eye, from moment to moment. I sense that this is the essence of all spiritual practice. Or, perhaps I should say, it is OK to get trapped as we live, but the key is to realize the trap and acquire the process to get the release insight. This is attached but not attached life. Then, the essential point is: enjoy the life as it unfold in its act. This, I think, is Dogen's flexible mind.

"It is as it is." I think this is critical phrase to make a note in living from the spiritual home, or the quiet center. I wrote about this on January 12^th this year. (See my vipassana journal #1, titled, "What if?") Related to this, Eckhart says, "the mind can never find rest except in the essential truth, which is locked up in it--the truth about everything." (My Eckhart file p.1)

"The exterior man may be undergoing trials, but interior man is quite free." (Eckhart 77)

The truth is, "It is as it is." Yet, often, we do not want to accept "what it is," thinking that we can do something about it. This causes trouble, creating the gap between: "what it is" and "what should be" or "what should have been." Of course, we can do something about it at occasions as need arises. For example, when I want to type letters, I can do it now. Then, there is an alignment of what it is and what it should be. But if we think this will be permanently so, that is not quite so. If we think there is such thing as permanence in this world, we have to pay the price, sooner or later. So, do things we can when we can. And when we cannot, accept the fate.

One point is, we do not have to live like animals when we can address issues. But, on the other hand, we need to live like animals when that process of using our calculating mind cannot bring any result and of no use, e.g., regret, suffer, or worry things that you cannot do anything about it. The expression may not quite fit to us living in the world where we see the end-result of using our calculating mind. Yet, this is the point of learning to use tools, e.g., conscious, calculating mind, but not to be used by them. We need to pay attention to the use of tools and live with the spiritual home as our base. Ultimately, this is the core foundation. Everything starts from there, be there, create life, heal, etc., eternally. This is the Buddha nature in all.

So, for us humans, it is about the proper use of tool (our calculating mind) as well as not using this tool when unneeded. This is what we need to learn. In Hsinhsingming, or "believing mind," Sosan says, "The perfect way knows no difficulties except that it refuses to make preference; Only when freed from hate and love, it reveals itself fully and without disguise." (p196, Daisetz First Series) This is the stance of having the quiet center in us. By observation from that center, or seeing the situation as they are by having keen awareness and equanimous stance, we see truth revealed, and insight gained.

Long Chen Pa said, "Since everything is none other than exactly as it is one may well just break out in laughter." I think this was what I experienced on January 12^th. But as far as we live in this world but not in the mountain monastery, e.g., arhat, we may want to train ourselves so that we can exercise what was mentioned above by cultivating our skill to do so. To me, this is Mahayana approach - to strive for transforming the entire world, i.e., H-max. We do not escape from the suffering by hiding in the mountain. We live in the suffering, and strive to find the way to go beyond with everybody else.

This orientation is tied to my note on "Good is bad." Truth cannot be divided. Then, we find liberation, in the middle of the dualistic world of suffering without leaving there. This is: confinement is freedom, inequality is equality, heaven is hell, delusion is enlightenment, good is bad, suffering is no suffering, dualistic world is absolute world. It is the two sides of the coin that we grasp as a whole. We do not take one side and be trapped in it. Truth is one. With our mind, we cannot reveal the truth. And, that is the truth. We have absolute freedom before we have absolute freedom. It is a moment to moment practice as Dogen said.

Nine months after Vipassana course. Recently and out of curiosity, I started to monitor the time I sit. Here is the result for the last two weeks:

80, 78, 78, 85, 85, 75, 77, 67, 111, 113, 69, 145, 75, 127 min. Usually I sit in the morning and evening with one or two short one in the middle of the day. Also, when I wake up in the middle of night, as I feel like then, I may sit as well. The longest I sat in one sitting was 50 min.

In general, I feel I may be sitting a bit longer these days. In terms of contents,

1. I get into the blissful state fairly easily.
2. There are various senses of bliss, but mainly it is the sense of LIFE. Some are deeper and more profound than others.
3. I feel sensitive to sound. I sense sound in my body and various locations in my body. Sometimes, I feel the sound penetrate through me. But most of the time, I feel there is something in my body resonating with it as if at certain frequencies.
4. This vibrating sense is somewhat similar to the sense of bliss.
5. When I shift my attention, i.e., scan, the felt sense moves. I may encounter blockage but I am not bothered and just do the practice. It is common that at any sitting, I come to the state of dissolution. Sometime, it is strong and give me a surprise (almost fear). In other times, it is more of a common event.
6. I still feel breathing pattern influences the sense of dissolution but it is not necessarily the case always.
7. Thought pops up here and there, and I may play with the thought for a while, but usually get back to the meditative state fairly easily. Yet, some thoughts have influence to what I may resolve and come up with some insight. If the thought is more mundane one, this is not the case. Still, I see myself playing with thoughts without me noticing it for a while, perhaps like day dreaming. (I do not know what this mean. Perhaps, lack of concentrated effort on vipassana/anapana. I may need to study more on this.)
8. Recently, I started to shift the attention to "outside" of my body. It is felt as if there is some field out when I do this and my body responds to that field with generating the vibrating sense. If this is done in a broad manner as opposed to focusing on one very focused point, more wider response come from my body. I did this for example, below my sitting position like six inches below, or six inches away from my head.
9. What is interesting and amazing is that the conscious field (if I call the point of attention as such) generates such a vivid "lively" resonating response in my body. Then, when it break loose, it propagates/travels to wider parts of my body like a wave.
10. As in the past, when the field affects my lower body, my penis gets still erected every now and then, again feeling like life energy (Qi) is flowing into my lower body. It appears that more I meditate and feel free-er, easier to get to this kind of state. It may relate to my physical health condition and eating specific food as well.
11. I still do not practice metta meditation so often. But, when I do it, I may get emotional - feeling compassion in my whole body.
12. I also scan inside my brain often. Sometimes, the sense I get is quite vivid and feel the vivid change in my brain (vivid vibration) to respond to the area of my attention. Also, I often notice the corresponding sensation to the specific area of the brain where attention is made.

Overall, I am practicing as I feel like it - not pushing but just doing. I do not know what this sense of vibration is, like small particle vibrating inside. All I can think is that this is life energy. I am directly sensing what is going on in my body and body cells. The traveling of this vibration is like resonance, perhaps like connection, and insight generation process happening in the body. It may relate to openness, unconfined, lively, happy state and eradicating the past negative mind habit. What I also feel is that it is good and perhaps quite necessary to tie this bodily sensation to my mind activity going on at the time if there is. Obviously, my mind is at a very calm, tranquil state when the dissolution happens. It is self-organizing process itself.

I am not sure how much more of scanning I may do inside my brain. I follow the suggestion that I focus attention in one area for one minute or so but not longer. But my keen sense of being able to track the scanning, especially in my brain, is by itself a very interesting event. Obviously, I will let the nature to take care of itself. I also find it is very peaceful just to sit. Yet, in general, it may be good to do the scanning every so often - not too much and not too little perhaps. I also plan to re-read Mr. Goenka's discourses, etc. to see if I am missing anything. A good combination of practice and reading must be kept up.

By Mr. Goenka:

"Another facet of insights is related to a person's sense of self. There are things that are true and useful to know about how one's sense of self arises moment by moment. We think there is a 'thing' inside us called a self, but upon closer investigation we discover that there is an activity called personality that rises and passes as part of the effortless flow of nature. That activity called personality is made up of certain ideas and certain body sensations that moment by moment give us the sense that "I am." When those ideas and body sensations are greeted with complete awareness and zero interference, then we have a wonderful paradoxical experience.

Obviously if you have complete awareness and zero interference with those ideas and body sensations that in this moment give you the sense "I am," then we would have to say that you are allowing your personality to completely express itself. On the other hand, whenever you have any experience and maintain continuous awareness and zero interference, that experience becomes clear in the two senses of the English word as I described before. It becomes very distinct but it also becomes transparent.

So the fully experienced personality is a transparent wave rather than an opaque particle. The fully experienced self is a 'doing' rather than a 'thing' and hence is sometimes called "no-self." Once you realize that, your sense of self becomes elastic like rubber, and you can expand and contract effortlessly with the flow of events. You can think of it as an elastic self which can get as big or as small as the circumstance requires, a bouncy and vibrant pure "doing" called personality. So you can learn how to complete your personality and in learning that you also learn how to sometimes let go of your personality. An elastic self can get as big as the whole universe and therefore can encompass all things and it can get as small as zero and therefore know a state of true rest, real peace and security."

To me, samadhi or dissolution in vipassana is like being at the spiritual home where there is no boundaries - the state of oneness. Yet, we do not stay there. We go in and out. Whatever we call such a state, I feel that many have this sense even with no experience of special training. It is just a nature's act, and recognizing and putting a name is but just that.

So what?

I feel we can utilize/appreciate this state in various ways.

• Just be. Just feel at home. No words and concepts are necessary.
• Be open and creative to life's situations.
• Apply it in the course of daily life to get back when lost. Then insight will come, for example, where to go next.
• Be intrigued and amazed to relate to the song of a bird, cricket, spider web, etc.
• Feel compassionate to others - directly, naturally. Identify with other people's feeling yet remain equanimous.

So, compassion and wisdom flow out. In short, live with this principle - in and out of our spiritual home. Get lost, but realize that we are lost and be back home and express whatever it is to be expressed. This expression is life itself. Meaning is there and to be directly experienced as there is no words adequate to describe it.

Well, we can try…

When a desire come to explore the world, help people, etc. Just observe, and feel at heart. Stay there and be open to be there till a voice arrives as if it is from the spirit. As we feel right and sense the energy flowing to do with confident feeling, do it by involving in the task full-heartedly. In a way, we do this for each step of our daily life, eating walking, sleeping, etc. But for the long range plan of what we do in our life, we can go through the process the same way, except that we take time to scrutinize from various point of view and be open to come up with the approach that heart desires but also checked and balanced by our brain.

"Zuisho Ni Shu to Naru" (Be the master wherever you are) is a famous Zen phrase. "Wherever you are" corresponds to having no fixed position. (Remember Rinzai's true man of no position) Instead of chasing, hiding, hoping, wishing, regretting, pursuing, --- or on top of these activity, we can find us as the master. And, everyday mind of responding to the needs is seen from this master's position. What it mean is…no matter what condition we are, we can find the position of being the master, at the spiritual home, at any moment. This is Ryokan's "When it is time to die, just die." "When it is time to meet disaster, meet disaster."

This is samsara, phenomenal world, is at the same time nirvana or heaven. If we are then and there and be one with what is, there is no conflict to divide ourselves. The whole meditation, prayer, chanting, confession, etc. is to get into this position. As we put ourselves in this position:

• We see more options without judgment, with very little mind habit interference,
• We are secure at home,
• We are one with the act,
• There is no self identity creating an image and causing dualistic world to appear and hence lose the home position.
• There is no rush, anger, etc. without having some identity which drives things into motion.

On the other hand, since there is no self:

• It is like going for a ride,
• It is beyond ego satisfying experience.
• Nothing to show to others.
• No pride, no self-pity.
• It is the state of it is as it is.
• Yet, as much as there are many more options to be discovered and made available, and that self-organizing process will produce insight as to what to do next, things move most naturally.
• In other words, foe example in writing, fingers just keep typing words pretty much autonomously.
• If it moves, it is OK. If it does not move, it is OK too - like water follows toward the lower position by following the law of nature
• So, the movement is self-fulfilling, nothing to lose, nothing lost.

So what does it mean?
- It means nothing to self.

• Life is lived from this center, the spiritual home. Life is living itself as it pleases.
• So, we are the masters and witnesses of the master's work at the same time. "You are your own master, you make your own future." (Dhammapada 380)
• The orientation of day's events will take place following the needs, options available, and matching them with available resources to bring a balanced movement.
• If there is a discursive thoughts interrupting, just notice it and let it dissolve.
• So, the life energy is directed according to the nature's call - H-max.
• Here, calculating mind may contribute ideas and thoughts but not used as a determining factor for the action to be taken.
• In a way, this nature's act is seen very strategic to follow the processes of option generation, objective review accommodating the needs and heart's desire, and insight gained accommodating the resource constraints all in one. (This whole symptom of expressing the potentiality is Buddha nature.)
• After the action is taken, more information is gained. Then, it keep readjusting to find the course to live the fullest, while addressing the needs -- through equanimous awareness.
• This equanimous awareness may be seen as witness of God or eye of wisdom and compassion.

* In a way it may be compared to amoebae promoting life

What is interesting is that I started to notice more and more about the past scene/image from my memory. This is similar to what I explained in the vipassana report when I took the course the first time. At that time, I felt funny to see the scene/image ( typically with no people in it) to pop up in the middle of the meditation - just for a fraction of a second. Now, I see the same is happening every now and then while I am doing my work, but not sitting in meditation. (Generally, this seems to happen when I am totally relaxed.)

As I recollect now, there is no repeat of the pictures I saw this way, (i.e., no overlap) and that each scene is very ordinary but often with vivid detail in the image. Again, the image typically lasts a fraction of a second and it vanishes cleanly as if I saw a snap shot of slide. It appears that there is no relation to what I have been thinking before then. (I wonder if this corresponds to the Goenka's story about butter floating up from the bottle at the bottom of the pool (or something like that)…to symbolize that the unconscious level of my mind is going through some sort of clean up by nature's way - when I am in that state.)

What I also feel is that it is like the Penrose (or was it Penfield?) experience. (Just a touch of needle to a part of brain brings a vivid memory to the person tested - as if he is reliving that moment.) Perhaps, just being in the state (alpha state), some stimuli will bring the image as if it happens in our dream - except that this is happening while I am awake. So, this may just be a sign that I am connecting to the deeper consciousness to stimulate the image to bring to my attention.

Of course, this may simply relate something else. But somehow, because of the vivid memory of the meditation and that this indicates the connection to the deeper consciousness at the zero-base mind, I tend to think above explanation makes more sense. After all, was meditation not an exercise of us getting conscious of our unconscious?

If there is any one who went through such an experience, I would appreciate if it can be shared. I am simply curious, (and fascinated). By the way, I saw perhaps hundreds of these pictures/images - if not thousands in that ten-day course. They did not pop up sequentially but appeared more like at random. I now remember that it was as if I lived my life over again in that course.

This is the message from Mr. Goenka from the site for the old students:

"We condemn all terrorist activities. Such horrendous actions against humanity especially if they are committed in the name of religion, are unthinkable. This is not the teaching of dhamma or any religion. In a case of loss due to natural disasters such as Earthquake or Typhoon it is relatively unavoidable, but a terrorist act like this one is unpardonable. We hope that the terrorists and their leaders will realise the grave mistake they are committing. The pain and suffering the people must have gone through is difficult even to imagine. On our part we express our sympathy and our Metta to all the victims and their families. It would be good for humanity if such terrorists activities are eradicated from the human world."

Goenkaji has asked that a special sitting be organized at all center and non-center courses around the world to share our merits with the victims of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon buildings in the United States and their bereaved family members.

Here is my view ties to Shila-samadhi-prajna:

As we practice this principle way as individual, collectively, we can go through the same process to come up with the insight, and live our life following the way. Applying dharma in management with the idea of mini-company and PDCA (Re: my book, Results from the Heart) will help generate insight and practice what we can in accomplishing our mission. Similarly, we can apply the same principle way to share ideas, discuss the implication, clarify what is right and wrong in such situation as facing this terrorist attack. We can practice what is desirable and right, sit(meditate) and generate insight to overcome hurdles and progress as we are meant. This is shila-samadhi-prajna. In this way, as always has been, we can move, and progress for humanity. May all beings be happy.

Just about one year ago about this time, I had that amazing experience that radically changed my view from the foundation. (See my Vippasana report at my home page) To reflect back, I briefly read my past vipassana journals up to this point. Here are few observations on this occasion:

• I get better idea of many koans. It is as if everything is melted together.
• Daisetz's book is now much easier to read and get the sense out of it.
• Having covered various psychological experiences and having reflected on them, I feel I have practiced the dynamic process of insight release/resolution reasonably well.
• I have shifted my attention in writing the white book for the last few months.
• However, because of the publishing of the green book, results from the heart, coming up soon, recently, I am a little off balance from the main work on the white book and associated activities.
• Yet, I know the way to get out of the off-balance.
• The challenge may be: in addressing Mahayana, business and spirituality, in my externally oriented activity while also working on the white book.
• While I feel close to Ikkyu, Ryokan, Bankei, or Daisetz, I also feel the inner "desire" to contribute something to the world if I can. It may be this point of spirituality in business as Mahayana.
• It may be that having had the sex with the universe, the next may be to let the universe to have a baby, that is to contribute what I can. If this is in line to what my heart says as I will keep monitoring, this may be Genso Eko (returning to this shore) to do the work of Bodhisattva.
• This is, then, the equivalent of ox-herding pictures: 8-9-10, and perhaps go back to 1-7 and to 8. Here, 8 being samadhi, 9-10 being Hotei/ Boddhisattva's work, 1-7 being back to delusion (momentarily, hopefully.) In each state, I may feel, insight/find the path/bliss, live with mission, and path unknown (cannot be found, or being blocked). Or, it may be seen as being in the state and at the same time going through stages 1-10 without conflict.

LIFE

Vipassana is a technique to realize the wonder of LIFE, wisdom, compassion, Buddha nature, the way of life. I have been trying to write about these subjects in my white book. It has been a slow process. Shila-samadhi-prajna been one major component. Quiet center and passive observation/meditation is another angle to characterize the key point. Interaction between conscious and unconscious, the one world of subjective and objective, absolute and relative is another way to characterize what is going on in our mind-heart-body system. Mini-brain and self-organization, HBC, and avatamsaka sutra/Kegon, individual and organization is yet another angle. Zen expression, koan, chanting, samu, prayer, etc. are also important to relate to.

So, the subject matter is wide, deep and after all it is about LIFE and cannot be grasped by human intelligence. If I take a look from the other side, the side of lively living, I can again characterize what this wonderful world is - as outcome of the principle way. Liveliness, wisdom, happiness, as it-is-ness,… applied in physical healing, mental healing, … application at work, hobby, relationship, etc. and in the sound of a bird, blue sky after the rain, poetry, art, and mission in life to live the happy time on this world while help others.

May all beings be happy!

Kio