IMPORTANT: Part one of this brave and moving stoy can be found HERE!

Shortly after realizing that I had passed up the very real possibility of sex for World of WarCraft, I made a decision to kick the junk cold turkey. I also resolved that I owed it to my penis to get laid at the earliest possible opportunity. Of course, both these tasks are easier said than done, and should never, never be attempted simultaneously.

Make no mistake, the WoW junkie is a fiendish, hideous, and dangerous organism. Oftentimes these sad men and women have been known to slit the throats of their own mothers for prepaid gamecards or epic items. Picture, if you will, a man so volatile that the very mention of class imbalance elicits in him an eruption of a callous rage. Clearly, the WoW fiend is not to be trifled with.

Keep this image in your head for a minute. Now, picture what would happen to said fiend if he were to snort a line of cocaine and plunge a shot of pure elephant adrenaline directly into his heart. The mental image you now have is the very crude representation of a WoW addict that has just quit WoW cold turkey. I think we can all agree that such an entity should under no circumstances seek sexual gratification of any kind. In fact, the very existence of such a being is both a threat to national security and an affront to god himself.

I was no different. Hell, I was worse. I wasn't even able to ask for a soft taco at the neighborhood Taco Bell without spouting an uncontrollable string of profanities. Observe the following excerpt from a Columbus police report detailing one such encounter:

Mrs. Sanchez, regular customer of a local Taco Bell, reported a scuffle at approximately 9:45 PM, May 13, 2005. The scuffle allegedly involved an unruly Ohio State University student (later identified as a Mr. Benjamin Yackshaw,) threatening to "gank" a Taco Bell employee with his "Heartseeker dagger." Police arrived on the scene minutes later to find a pantsless Mr. Yackshaw standing on the establishment's counter brandishing a handful of plastic sporks and muttering in an alien tongue he would later identify as "Orcish"

I do not remember much regarding the ensuing panic and shocking display of police force. In truth, my only memory of the incident involved waking up the next day to see my picture on the front page of the Columbus Dispatch in association with a headline entitled "Police Sick Attack Dogs on Local Gamer." I would later learn that the use of police brutality got my case thrown out of court, and that by all accounts I was a degenerate lowlife who had narrowly dodged a one way trip to the gas chamber. (Arresting officer John C. McLayne resigned from the CPD in the ensuing scandal claiming that "In all my twenty years on the force I have never seen anything as gruesome as the actions of Mr. Yackshaw. For fuck's sake, where did he even get the idea to beat an elderly woman to death with a severed penis covered in scalding hot grease from the fry frying station?")

If I was capable of such devastation on a mere taco run, there was no telling the destruction I could potentially unleash on my search for poon-tang. Surprisingly, this search did not involve any documented injury, and was very, very short. Following the occurrence of the Taco Bell incident, local news outlets blew the story to truly epic proportions. Overnight I was a veritable celebrity, a legend forever immortalized in the annals of Ohio's sacred fast food lore! Naturally, this success attracted the attention of the female gender. Well, not really, but one girl mistakenly took me for Def Leppard frontman Joe Elliot.

In her defense, Jenny's mind was in a state of disarray greater even than that of my own digitally obsessed cranium. Years of hard drugs had taken their toll on the Minnesota native. To call Jenny trashy is like calling the Pacific Ocean wet. Jenny is relevant to my WoW addiction in only one way: she wanted my throbbing hard cock at a time when no one else did. After agreeing to her offer of commitment-free casual sex, I accompanied her back to her seedy one room apartment. This was it! My chance to at long last insert my penis into a woman's vagina and reclaim the pride lost in the infamous Cara-affair! I could hardly wait...

Upon our arrival, I threw a few nervous glances around the apartment. Everything appeared to be in order, but I gave everything a twice-over anyways. Something odd adorned the refrigerator door across the room. I took a few steps closer to better examine this strange phenomenon. Suddenly, a look of pure, abject horror spread to every corner of my face. It seemed that Jenny had a fetish for snorting cocaine off of erect male genitalia. Not only that, but she had seemed to have photographically documented every such occasion since her thirteenth birthday, and the results were now magnetically fastened to her Microfridge!

Beggars cannot be choosers, I know, but, damnit, the line had to be drawn somewhere, and by my measurements, Jenny had crossed it by a good ten miles. I turned around to explain to her that the whole situation was a terrible mistake, but, upon doing so, could not formulate the words necessary for such a statement. Jenny was now naked and sitting indian-style in the middle of the room. I won't go into too great of detail, but will simply draw the following comparison. Jenny was about as sexy as a toothless holocaust survivor with SARS, leprosy and a tattoo reading "I love Macy Gray." The speed with which I abruptly fled the room put Sonic the Hedgehog himself to shame.

Once in the safety of my own dormitory again, I decided it was high time to rehook myself on World of WarCraft. After all, life on junk wasn't that bad, right? I mean, I never had a near sexual misadventure with a boner-coke-sniffing transsexual whilst safely addicted to WoW, and that had to count for something! I closed the book on my attempt to quit WoW cold turkey. The experience had been worse than the lowest lowlights of my WoW career, and a greater failure than Tim Burton's attempt to remake Planet of the Apes. Of course, I had no idea then the horrors that still lay ahead...

To be continued!