By Jake Epstein
Suddenly, Peter Pettigrew scurried in. "M-M-Master!" he said. He fell to his knees and kissed Voldemort's feet.
"I wouldn't do that Wormtail, I stepped in dog-shit this morning."
"So I see," said Wormtail, spitting. "Anyway, Sire, there is a rather large group of people headed this way. The group is headed by a woman that rather reminds me of Peg Bundy."
"Who's that?"
"N-No one, Sir. But I thought you aughta know."
Just then, the door burst open wide, and indeed a woman did step inside the living room of Tom Riddle's old house. And boy, Peter wasn't lying! The woman was extra curvy with tall orange hair, and was wearing bright, blue eye-shadow and even brighter red lipstick. Lucius Malfoy snickered.
The woman looked from Voldemort to Lucius. "Who's the grease monkey in the white wig?" she sneered with an American accent.
"What do you want, Bozo?" said Voldemort.
"I want to know which of you is Tom Riddle."
Voldemort's lip curled. "Tom Riddle died long ago."
"Nice try, Lurch. I was told to seek out Tom Riddle. He sounds like a wimp to me, got beat out by a baby and all. But I heard he has a great army, and I was advised to take it over to enforce world domination."
Voldemort considered her, from her orange hair to her frilly skirt and blouse to her high-heel boots. Was this woman for real? "Tom Riddle's body is now inhabited by Lord Voldemort."
"Never heard of him."
Lucius snickered again, and Voldemort whipped out his wand. He spun around and zapped Lucius, who immediately took the form of a hyena.
"Thank you," said the woman. "His hair was starting to give me a migraine."
"Food!" shouted Peter, pulling out an axe from the inside of his robes and diving at Lucius. Lucius squeaked and ran.
"Never heard of me, huh? You're either very sheltered or very stupid. Well, I am a gentleman for the most part. I shall tell you a little about me." He snapped his fingers and a disco ball lowererd as the lights went out. "If you haven't heard of me, maybe you've heard of my fearsome army of Death Eaters?"
"Still don't ring a bell."
"Well my dear, from the looks of you I'd say there is no bell to ring. No matter, I'll tell you what I'm about." He snapped his fingers and an invisible system started booming out a rap rythm.
Peter stopped chasing Lucius and lowered his axe. "Oh, goodie goodie! I love when the master busts a rhyme!" He leaned against the wall and bobbed his head in rythm as Lord Voldemort rapped...
Voldemort- "Let me introduce myself, my name is Voldemort.
People often say that I'm a quite unpleasant sort.
I've been around the block quite more than once or twice.
So ask anybody, they'll agree I'm not so nice.
My father was a muggle and my mother was a witch.
My father came to hate us, so I killed the little bitch!
My homies and I grow impatient and we work alone,
So pack up all your fairies in the house and hit the road!"
The Death Eaters cheered loudly, and Bellatrix yelled, "That was great, Master! Do you know 'The Itsy Bitsy Spider'? Do that next!"
The strange woman, however, stifled a yawn. "Voldemort, eh? That's strange, you look more like a Volde-mutt to me. Well, my name is Coldcohort. And is 'Death Eaters' the best you could come up with? Now my crew here is called the Post-Mortem Munchers."
Lucius started rolling around in his hyena form and laughing hysterically. Peter raised the axe again and resumed chasing him.
"And that rap, ha!" she continued. "You should submitt it to Sesame Street, it'll fit in better there. In the meantime, I'll tell you a little about myself...
Coldcohort- "I'm the shiznit, I'm the bitch!
When it comes to power, I'm the number one witch.
I am far more evil, anyone'll tell you so.
Just to prove it, I'll admitt George Bush is my hero.
There is or never has been any Muggles in my line,
My heritage is absolute, of weakness there's no sign.
My rep it does proceed me, but I haven't heard of you.
So back up off my ass, you little anorixic foo!"
The Post-Mortem Munchers all either had little "Coldcohort is #1" flags that they were sporting or they were crowd-surfing.
Voldemort sneered. "All this for that little campfire song? Well, I'm not done yet, so listen up!
Voldemort- "Bite your tongue ho, or go and chew your cud.
It must be past your bedtime cuz your looking like crud!"
Coldcohort- "Listen to yourself foo, Ha! Give me a break.
You need your beauty sleep because your looking like a snake."
Voldemort- "Yeah, well who did your make-up woman, Tammy Fay or Cher?
And don't tell me, hmm... Marge Simpson did your hair."
Coldcohort- "Actually ole Voldie, I've been dying to meet ya!
A little man so weak and small a one-year-old beat ya!"
Voldemort- "You're not a witch, but a stupid old hag!
By the way, the circus called... they want their clothes back!"
Coldcohort- "And the Grim Reaper look is better, with all those tears and frays?"
Voldemort- "Damn bitch, that there's some PMS, or you need to get laid!"
Suddenly, the music skidded to a halt and everyone stared. Coldcohort smiled and grabbed his hand. "Come on, let's go then!" They ran into a room, and there was silence for a moment. Everyone leaned toward the door, listening intently.
Suddenly, there was a high-pitched scream from Voldemort followed by, "What in the hell is that?!"
They heard Coldcohort laugh. "You like snakes, don't you? You look enough like one. Go on, kiss and make friends! He won't bite!"
The door flew open and Voldemort ran out screaming, a pair of grey underwear around his ankles. "Master!" said Peter in surprise. "You've never been afraid of snakes!"
"Yeah, well his snake has one eye! That in there is a man!" He ran from the house, still screaming.
Coldcohort came out of the bedroom, his/her wig askew. "I gain more armies that way," he/she laughed.
Peter rubbed his hands together and laughed evilly. "Oh goodie! Come here my pretty little DICK-ens!"
There was another loud scream as Coldcohort also ran from the house.
Everything was silent for a moment. Then everyone fell to their knees. "Hail Peter!" Bellatrix shouted.
"Hail Peter!" everyone boomed.
"What is our first order of business, Master?" asked a Post-Mortem Muncher.
Peter smiled slowly and raised his axe. "Get Lucius!"
"Get Lucius!" they repeated. And that night, everyone discovered that hyena meat tastes quite good.
THE END
