bani's page
Master,
I wanted to write something that told of a great undying love, total unreserved devotion. I wanted to write of the awareness of not only one life saved, but two, and of the gratitude. I wanted to write of giving that life to You, it belongs to You.... But I don't have the words, I don't think there are words made yet, to discribe the depth and beauty and color. The clearity and direction given freely by You to one that has never had security or even the concept of love and the true meaning of happiness except through the printed words of "romance" books.The moment You took me in, I became Yours. But even before I came here, I told You if You didn't like what You saw, You could just turn away and not say anything to let me know who You were, I would have never known....
When You sent for me, and I agreed to come here, I didn't know what You looked like, and even if You had sent me a picture, I wouldn't have believed it was really Your picture, I had never even heard Your voice yet. It wasn't so much that I particularly trusted in You yet,...I just didn't care anymore, I was totally and completely "beaten" by life.
If it hadn't worked out, and You didn't want me after all, I think You knew I would have come back online, eventually. A kajira's heart can't stop looking for that which is as necessary to her, as breath is to life. For without breath, there is no life…. and therefore a kajira without a Master does not truly live, she only exists. It can be suppressed only for a short time, but never truly, totally lost.
I also think You knew somehow, I would never have bothered You again....I would not have come back online and made trouble or scenes....I fully expected You to not say anything....I expected You to take one look at me and turn away without a sound, never letting on, who You were..
But You didn't....You have never said anything about my weight or face....or belief's or scars, inside and out, the shyness and more than half death that I existed in that others call life, or anything else that others condemned me for....You accepted me as I am....You have never said I was crazy for my belief's or what I can do....Or what I can't....You never questioned except when You thought it might endanger me.
I met You by chance,....online,....I didn't want to know You....I didn't want to know anyone,....I was dead inside....I had given up of ever finding someone like You....after so many heart wrenchings, and soul shatterings, of hopes and dreams, I didn't want to let anyone inside again, I didn't even want to try anymore....I don't know why I did....At the time, I only wanted to apologise for being un-necessarily rude to Someone that hadn't done anything to deserve it. I talked to You briefly, and apologised....and You told me what You wanted....You said it was hard to find what You wanted,....but what You wanted, I had tried desperately for years to give to others and was condemned for all my life....I was strange, there was something wrong with me for even thinking the way I did and do, I was crazy and had a death wish....and I felt the tiniest glimmer of a whisper go through me, a "what if" tip-toed ever so quietly through my heart and mind and I dared to hope yet again.
I wanted and needed someone to take care of me, I desperately needed that, I have always been out of place in this world, I have never been a "leader", rather always a follower, but I always had my own opinions, and ideas on how something "should" be done,
Then when I gave up and decided there was no such thing as You in this world, I wanted and needed too much to expect One to be........I met You, and bani_MQS was born.
now bani_MQS is growing and living the life she always needed and she knows it is all in thanks to You Master
now bani_MQS has laughter and color in her world, she has love , warmth and caring....bani_MQS can dream again, she is safe and cared for....bani_MQS is finally completely and totally happy for the first time since her birth....but most importantly, bani has You Master....bani will forever to the ends of time thank You for not only saving a life, but giving this girl life itself as well.
bani_MQS has You to look to for everything....her emotional support and guidance, her re-birth, her growth and even her life....Master gives bani_MQS everything....can bani_MQS do any less?
dreams DO come true Master....You are living proof.
bani_MQS adores You Master, from the depths of her soul, and always will.
"The slave makes no bargains; she does not desire small demands to be placed upon her; she does not ask for ease; she asks nothing; she gives all; she seeks to love and selflessly serve. "~Quoted from "Blood Brothers of Gor pg.139~"
dedication page
with deep appreciation and thanks for the beautiful work that you have done.
