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The News!
Increasing numbers of West Australians are throwing their junk mail on the sidewalk. Piles of junkmail could be seen strewn across the highways, being blown by the so-called "Fremantle Doctor", this weekend. In an apparently spontaneous act of collective rage, junk mail recipients, took flyers and other cheaply sent, unwanted mail out of their postboxes and threw them headlong onto sidewalks. Others seeing that their neighbours were doing it, took up the cause and started picking their old junk flyers from their already overburdened trash barrels and began spewing the mess near piles of already existing junk mail.
One unnamed suburbanite, who would only talk to "Swill and Squeal" under condition of anonimity, was quoted as saying the reason for the protest was both government inaction on stopping "this terrible waste of our time and natural resources", coupled with the obvious, "lack of corporate social responsibility in using the postal service to dump their junk onto our property."
Another consumer, who would only speak under conditions of anonimity told "Swill and Squeal", "We're sending a message. Clean up your act or we're going to dirty the streets and demand a tax on your profits for cleanup."
West Australain political pundits, politicians, police and even the Mayor's Office denounced the "trash who sully our streets" and called for stiffer police presence, including the use of "junk mail smelling dogs" to ferret out the wrongdoers at random check points to be set up in and around the city of Perth.
A spokesperson for the protesters told "Swill and Squeal" that the "people" wanted legislation enacted which would make it twice as expensive for corporations to send junk mail than for individuals to send personal letters. As it stands now, corporate junk mail is much cheaper to send than a letter to a loved one. Funds from the sale of such postage should then be plowed into programs which would increase the amount of Australian land to be left to grow wild with indigenous vegetation. If the increase in postage led to the demise of the junk mail industry, the spokesperson said that the goal of the anti-junkmail protestors would have been met.
There was talk amongst the street protestors though of going further and demanding an end to all sorts of useless, wasteful activities being forced on the the general populace. Freeway speed limits were denounced as absurd, "Even the Germans don't have them," commented a 90 year old WWII vet. The GST was angrily denounced as a way to maximize the taxes coming from the average person on the street, so that the taxable share of corporate profits being used for social services like police, fire, roads and education could be reduced. "It's a shell game, really." said a self-identified 45 year old sales woman as she wadded up a flyer advertising a real estate seminar. "It's the same with the high taxes on petrol. I mean, it's absurd that the State should be funding itself this way. It's a bloody regressive tax. But then, the rich always get away with bloody murder when it comes to paying for the upkeep of the State. The politicians keep it that way. It's really a shame."
Imposter Poses as American Sailor
Spoiled evening
A man believed to be a Canadian tourist was seen walking the streets of Fremantle on the weekend of January 11th, impersonating a sailor. He was described as being 170cm, with brownish hair and blue eyes. Last seen, he was wearing what was described as the bottom part of a martial arts fighting gui; a striped French sailor's shirt; a beret and black leather shoes or boots.
A woman, who gave her name as Daisy, told "Swill and Squeal" that she had driven to Fremantle from Rockingham the evening of the 12th to meet an American Sailor, as she had read in the "West Australian" that a "bloody fleet of ship packed with more than 5,000 blokes who hadn't seen a woman in months were going to be unloading there. Me and my girlfriend, Millicent were so hoping to be able to meet up with one of them Blacks, you know, the ones with the big..." she laughed.  "Instead, we met this fellow, who claimed to be a French Canadian on special duty with the Americans out in middle east ocean or whatever. Well, Millicent and I, we had ourselves a little 'tate a tate' in the powder room of that pub, you know the one, in Fremantle and well, we says, 'any port in a storm' we says and we went with this guy and had three or four pints or something and then he fucked us both in the alley near the old prison there. Well, that was all well and good; but then we finds out that there isn't no 'French Canadians' on American ships, from this, you know, captain or something we met the next night. It was a shame, really, a shame that a girl cannot walk down the streets these days and see that she's getting what she should be getting. That's all I have to say."
Preparation Tips for Long Airline Flights
Toilet Reminders
Long term airline passenger, Joeseph Leggette was interviewed this month by "S&S" on the question of blood clots and survival on those very long trans-oceanic flights he takes.
"So Joe, what's the secret of your longevity? You've been flying now for nigh on twenty years; most of those miles have been accumulated flying back and forth from Perth to San Francisco. How did you do it without having heart attacks.?"
"Well, the real secret is being fit before you fly and then following a few logical steps for health while you fly.
"Staying fit, is quite simple. The first thing: you just have to do some form of aerobic exercise for 15 minutes to a half an hour for three times a week. When I'm around Perth,I run at Swanbourne beach. It's pretty and the sand gives me an extra muscle boost.
When I'm in Frisco, I usually stay around Stanford and run at Cobb Field.
Fifteen minutes isn't much time to spend on your health. Most folks spend way more time than that, just watching ads on TV. the point is not where you run though; it is that you run. By the way, I recommend grass, sand or an offical runnurfc, ike the one at Cobb, to keep yourself from getting shin splints and the like.
"The second thing is diet. If you limit your diet to fruits and vegetables, you'll automatically become fit with exercise. You will not be fat, thus, you will not be creating the stuff from which blood clots are made. Do not change your diet on the plane. Call up the airline, in advance of the flight and order vegan meals. Not only will you be treated specially by the flight crew, the food will probably be fresher and better than the stuff they're serving to the rest of the passengers.
"The third thing is the combo of water and aspirin. Drink copious amounts of water and take one aspirin every other day, before getting on the plane. I meant like eight or so glasses of water an hour or so before boarding. Never; but never drink anything else, especially alcohol, while on the aircraft. You can take your aspirin with a beer after a run, for instance. I often go to the Oasis in Menlo Park after running at Stanford, for an Anchor Steam. But, keep drinking that water while you're on the plane. Ask the steward people for it; ring their call bell, if you have to--at least one glass for every waking hour.
"As you fly, remember to get out your inflatible pillow and sleep. The movies are rarely any good on these flights. And, even if they are good, they are so badly presented on screens that you really can't see. it's just not worth it. The audio systems on planes are an abomination. Best to save yourself the frustration and catch a few Zs."
"Wait a minute, Joe. Aren't you supposed to walk around the plane many times during the flight to keep the blood circulating?"
"Yes and you will. Remember the water? It will force you to the toilet.
and thus exercise and thus no thrombosis. Voila! You'll be healthy and stay alive, so that you can enjoy all the good things of life after you've landed."
"Well, thanks for that, Joe. Sounds like the way to fly, to me."
"Yes, it is. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go smoke some of this great weed, I got yesterday from this dude who lives in the outback near Kargoolie, while quaffing a Coopers Pale Ale. You see; I just came back from Frisco. It's time to party."
"Cheers, Mate!"
Lights, Camera, Action...
Solidarity lives...
Drivers on Perth's roads are blinking their headlights at oncoming traffic in apparent acts of spontaneous of anti-Big Brother solidarity. As governmental authorities use their police powers to set up more and more traffic cameras to catch unsuspecting motorists who may be going five or ten km per hour over the speed limit, drivers are apparently striking back by blinking their headlamps towards oncoming drivers seemingly to warn them: "Cameras just ahead--watch your speed!"
Police believe that the main instigators of what they term "lawless" activity may be those who have already been "photo covicted". A police spokesperson who consented to talk to "S&S" on condition of anonmity said, "It's not illegal to blink your headlamps. Blinking does flout the intent of speed laws though. We're losing money because of these people. The police are partially funded out this program. Our employers have made that very clear to us."
Motorists are given hefty fines for exceeding a 60km per hour speed limit by five or ten kilometers per hour. "Photo convicts" can expect to receive their citations in the mail some days later.
That most of them don't like it when they find these kinds of messages mixed in with their daily dose of junk mail is an understatement.
In an exclusive telephone poll conducted by "Swill & Squeal", it was found that the policy of using hidden cameras to catch speeders had only about 10% support.
The question we used was:
If you had direct democratic power, would you remove secret traffic cameras from the nation's roads?
Remove............88%
Don't remove...10%
No opinion...... 2%
Asked if they thought that "blinking" was subversive of representative State democracy; but indicated, yet again, the need for a Stateless direct democracy, the respondents answered thusly:
Agree.........90%
Disagree..... 9%
No opinion... 1%
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