Welcome back, friends! Once again, you've stumbled upon the home of SWISH. We're proud to be on the forefront of the anti-Star Wars movement. We are at the helm of a diverse, multi-racial, multi-gender, multi-age, multi-height, multi-talented, multi-faceted, multi-fingered, multi-multi movement of people mobilized against Star Wars. Join us, won't you?

NEWS, 11.14.05
In lieu of a message board, we're going to try out a Frappr map. Click here to check it out and sign your name and location to it.

NEWS, 07.16.05
Well, it's been almost two months since our last update. We've been vacationing with movie stars and NBA players, learning how to pamper ourselves and make a little personality go a long way. I'd really like to tell you this fantastic joke told to me by Cameron Diaz, but I was so hopped up on quaaludes and champagne that I can really only remember that it was deliciously racy but lacking a truly fulfilling punchline. So I guess you'll just have to imagine it for yourselves, or you can e-mail Dakota Fanning and ask her. She was there, too. You wouldn't believe how much that kid can drink!

Anyway, since we've been gone, the Star Wars buzz has quieted quite a bit. People filed into the theaters to see the final installment, and that was it. It was, dare I say, an anticlimactic climax. In the interest of being fair, at least one senior officer of SWISH saw the film and had this to say: "ZZZZZ." Also, "How many fucking plot holes can remain in a movie before it's considered unfinished?" So on with the snarking!

About a hundered of you have begged us to erect a message board so you could fully vent your hatred/love of Star Wars and/or SWISH. What kind of webmasters would we be if we did not kindly comply with this innocent request? So behold, the SWISH Message Board. Perhaps this will siphon off all the guestbook entries that read like message board exchanges. Probably not, but have at it anyway. We're just here to facilitate the discussion. All we ask is that you read and heed the rules. If you don't, mommy will take away playtime for everyone. Clear?

NEWS, 05.19.05
So Episode III opened last night, and the fans predictably turned out in droves, many of them decked out in their finest plastics and latex. The media was all atwitter with delight at the prospect of plastering photos and video clips of costumed fans poking plastic phalluses at one another, while lamenting that this would be the last time these sad souls would have the chance to act out their silly fantasies with mainstream approval. Luckily for fans, the critics by and large have been kind to the film, noting that even though the first two prequels sucked bantha balls (to use the Star Wars lingo of the day), the third is actually a decent film, you know, when compared with its competition (XXX: State of the Union and House of Wax). We appreciate this type of honesty. At least they admitted that the first two sucked, like we and almost the entire remainder of humanity have been doing since day one.

But what's that, you say? Why are we still here? We lost the battle against Star Wars saturation, after all. Shouldn't we crawl into the belly of an imaginary wookie and just try to die quietly and stop annoying the people who voluntarily visit and revisit our website? Sorry, but this site in all its snarky glory existed before the prequels began their reign of terror, and it will stand long after they make their almost nightly appearances on the USA network in a couple of years. This site is a testament to those who refuse to feed at the trough of Star Wars silliness. We don't care why you hate Star Wars: obsessive boyfriend/girlfriend, fear of yodeling furry dog-men, general frustration with cardboard dialogue and flat characters; we just salute you. Hey, did you get a load of all that punctuation in the previous sentence?

So keep coming back to wallow in our irreverent Star Wars bashing; we don't intend to stop. Or come back and show us how much you love Star Wars by posting barely legible gibberish on the message boards using flimsy pseudonyms and offensive language. It's fun and it's better than slutting it up and getting the herpes.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, 05.11.05
Duck! There's wild speculation flying everywhere in this room. Perhaps I can knock two baseless accusations out of the air for good. One: We are not Trekkies. While SWISH has no official opinion on Star Trek, we're pretty sure it probably sucks, too. Two: All merchandise is sold at the Cafepress base price, which means that SWISH does not see a profit. Your money goes to Cafepress for their trouble. SWISH remains a non-profit organization.

NEWS, 05.7.05
I'm going to go out on a limb here with a double negative: You can't say George Lucas isn't shrewd. Lucas told the AP (via the BBC) he's getting "a lot of flak from parents" for the amount of violence in Episode III, but says he had to remain true to the story. "I'm not making these, oddly enough, to be giant, successful blockbusters," he said. "I'm making them because I'm telling a story, and I have to tell the story I intended." Of course. It's all about the art, the story -- the meaning behind it all. So why, then, is he whoring out his characters to peddle cell phones (Chewbacca for Cingular Wireless), soda (Yoda for Diet Pepsi), cereal (Darth Vader and others for Kellogg's), candy (several characters for M&M's and Skittles) and chips (Obi-Wan and others on collector's edition Lay's bags)? Does Yoda's Diet Pepsi addiction play a part in the newest film? Does Padme knock back a fistful of sweet, sweet Skittles before she lurches into labor with the twins? I don't know; I'm not a tireless defender of this dreck. You tell me.

NEWS FOR MORONS, 04.30.05
I never had any doubt that legions of Star Wars fans (not all of them; I admire Kevin Smith, for example) possessed little more brain functionality than, say, your standard jellyfish. But it never occurred to me that even the simplest of sentence constructions could be misconstrued to the point where a bunch of idiots are all up in arms (sort of) over a joke they don't understand. It's not that I care that they're offended; I just want everyone to get the joke, because I thought it was pretty good. Ahem. So I'll spell it out for all those who didn't quite get it the first time around. If this breakdown doesn't work, maybe I'll spell it out again -- phonetically. And then I'm just going to start kicking asses.

"Sympathizers" are people who understand your point of view and support it or at least feel compassion toward it. This would not be Star Wars fans. Simple enough. Still with me?

According to our guestbook, we Star Wars-haters are gay ("I love to hate you queers with more hatres and passion than you claim that you hate Star Wars"; "You shall be allowed to die in the cold mud face down buried alive you faggot boot-lickers") and communist/anti-American ("To hate Star Wars is to hate America"; "you should live in some other country you communist").

Now, watch what I do with these pieces of information. It's tricky! There are lots of parentheses! As a little wink-wink nudge-nudge shout-out to our fans, I suggest that none of "you dirty hippies" (i.e. our sympathizers -- remember -- the communists?) should be able to afford Esquire (an upscale mostly heterocentric men's magazine) and that they'd rather read Marx's Manly Monthly. It might be a stretch, but I trust you feeble-minded idiots who misunderstood this fairly clear joke can click your way to Google to find out who Marx is so that you fully get the joke that your withered little neurons couldn't quite grasp the first time around.

NEWS, 04.29.05
Many thanks to reader Scott for pointing out the fabulous Star Wars-bashing column in Esquire's May issue. Because most of our sympathizers are gay communists (at least according to our guestbook posters), I'm assuming none of you dirty hippies can afford a subscription (not that you would want to, since most gay communists prefer to get their suave, post-modern pop culture news from Marx's Manly Monthly). So here's the story for your chuckling pleasure.


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