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| Swiss Tony and the Vendors performed at the Cwps Aberystwyth on the 26th of October and the following is a description of the mayhem which so commonly ensues at these gatherings - Hammond was cold, his body was freezing and he was standing in the rain wearing only a flimsy t-shirt he foolishly procured because it was in 'the sale'. Where was his coat, why was he so tired and why was his beautiful girlfried doing her Hanibal Lector impression? He thought back over the days activities in the hope that the madness would conjeal into sane and logical memory. Hours ago he had arrived in Aberystwyth having driven the 200 miles or so from Nottingham via Warwick. On arrival the vendors got into the studio and set to work practising for the first time in several weeks. A new track so cock-swingingly rocking was born that guitarist Ceri literally foamed at the mouth and had to masturbate 27 times to alleviate the stress. Emyr (bass) was less enthusiastic, this could have been because he is a dirty toe-rag or maybe it was the fact that he's slept just under 12 hours in the last 4 months (HE'S A FUCKING LUNATIC make no mistake). Aled was calm since his full rock potential had not been unleashed due to the studio's requirment that he use hot rods (a less powerful drum stick) in order to ensure the safety of the cleaning staff. Hours later they leave for the cwps after a short delay while Emyr tried to start his car after having left the sunrooff fully open during a torrential downpour, is there no end to the fallibility of the George brothers in the field of automobile maintenance and control? By the time the Vendor boys are sound checking the place is starting to warm with the stench of the public - people have arrived, not just any people, the best fucking people in the world - our friends. THANK YOU YOU SEXY GEORGEOUS BRILLIANT PEOPLE FOR COMING AND ENDURING US AT HIGH VOLUME WE LOVE YOU. After but a few chords of the second song disaster struck. Ceri, while playing at a rate of 27 notes per second using a quails egg as a plectrum and his erect penis as a slide - brakes a string. The fun grinds to a halt and Hammond must explain through tears of anguish that they must leave the stage. It is at that point that Cai Hywel, the resident axe master reveals a cunning plan... Go and get his guitar from his house. (Harriet Balsom also came up with the idea of using strands of her own hair to forge a makeshift 'D' string but this is better left un explored, she was not reffering to the hair on her head.) Cai returns triumphantly with his Epiphone Casino semi and the show goes on (although it does so in spectacularly poor tuning). Soon the band are packing their equiptment away, putting their aparatus back in the box and encasing once more, their instruments of pleasure. Emyr and Hammond, having only drunk a small amount of brandy, drive the stuff back and return to find that all hell has broken loose. Everyone is lost, as they open the door of the cwps they are greeted with a tearful Eiry (EIRY!EIRY!EIRY!) whose leg is covered with blood. Random acts of heroism ensure her safe transport to the Glen - regular shit heap and subject of one of Swiss Tony's funkiest compositions. As the rest of the gang make their way 6 in a car to the glen a phone is heard to ring, on answering the call, Hammond stops the car and walks away into the rain, his coat now the property of the wounded Eiry and his dignity shattered. What happened next is so mind numbingly exciting, I have to go and think about it first. |
| Part 2 - Things get heavy in the George household Suddenly I found myself trapped in a tiny space, no room to move scorching heat and a rancid stench all around, my feet were sealed tight to the ground, art every turn I felt a sticky liquid fall against me. Slowly I began to recognise the odour of that liquid, it was beer. Suddenly as quick as lightning I knew where I was. I was in the worst place in the world. The Glen. A hand grabbed me by the arm and wrenched me to one side, I looked up to see the sober face of Emyr George, 'drink this pint, I'll drive us home' Never in my life have I heard such poetry! How can one man be so eternally resourcful and continually reliable but also so unadulteratedly bad at looking after his facial hair? We arrived at George's house and it was then that I made a key discovery that was to change my life forever - PINA COLLADA. Oh yes, many thanks to Ioan Gwyn and the boi Rhys Lewis for the quality purchasing skills given to them by god for one day only. Don't get me wrong they couldn't buy their way out of a wet rizzla but somehow these lads had delivered the goods. Meanwhile trouble was brewing, the aforementioned Rhys had somehow got another of his more inspired purchases - his digital video camera - to Emyr's house. That's right there is a film of the stoned, drunk all round fucked up idiots causing their mayhem. I have seen this tape and it goes a little something like this - Rhys filming - Aled dancing - Ceri sitting - Emyr sleeping - Eiry laughing - Nerys complaining - Ioan smoking. Ioan filming - Eiry's crotch - Eiry's crotch - Eiry's crotch - Eiry's crotch Rhys filming - Aled paranoid in shower fully clothed and worried about spiders - Aled crawling along the hall - Aled finding a cocktail shaker...that's right...A COCKTAIL SHAKER!!!!!!!!!!! The footage ends there very similarly to the way 'The Blair Witch Project' ends. One is left with a feeling of terror as to the endless possibilities of the coktail shaker. A look of pure evil fills Aled's eyes, his gleeful chuckle echoes in your ears. The night is done for you and I, but for Aled, Ioan and Rhys it has only just begun. |
| Swiss Tony and the Vendors performed at the Nottingham Travel in (it's massive) on the 28th of April or something. Here's the tale: It was a day of many uncertainties in Hammond's mind. He still had recurring flashbacks of the last time any of his spoon faced chums from Aberystwyth were in Nottingham. That's another story and another video tape but a highlight was, Seiriol 'I haven't got dope' Dafydd, Rhys 'Ant poison' Lewis, Aled 'sitting in a basket and hip-hop' Evans, Ioan 'make love to the camera' Gwyn, Deiniol 'balboa' Jones, Emyr 'Ice cream' George, Lowri 'found someone new, sorry' Daniel and myself running like happy laughing children down a big hill in the middle of the Nottingham Uni Campus topless and screaming like a bunch of un-rivalled, un -paralleled, un-dressing, under-rated facking Legends. Today Hammond knew that although only Rhys the head roadey and Al the drumwizard were en-route it would be a challenging day for all envolved. At that point he had no idea that those challenges would include climbing a 30ft lamp-post (and to be honest he still doesn't know for sure, he has to rely on word of mouth) Aled and Rhys arrived at 12 and after a bit of minor faffing and Hammond's trip to a local studio to get an amp (fender twin 70s original for those of you in the know) they practised (first time in months I HATE YOU GOD) and then off they went to the travel inn. Rhys had considerable trouble following Anthony through the busy streets of Nottingham, that's right Hammond can duck and weave through traffic like an aquatic bird making a basket. At the travel inn they were greeted with the fact that about 300 people were going to be there as drunk as brian sansbury on a band course field trip to Dublin with tim bourne. It was a student may ball and they had free wine. We were also greeted with the fact that the guys doing the sound were the two people in Wayne's World who come up to Wayne and Garth when they're not allowed into the Aerosmith back stage party and say ' My mom gave me a dollar and dropped me off at the park-and-ride.' That's right one of them had shorts and boots on and the other had a big lighting desk. The desk it turned out was an extension of his sad personality, he actually said things like, 'ha ha, hey nick shall we show them the strobe light...its not one of those regulation B573j3589 Strobes, this one 'll blow your sock off.' Then proceeded to get a mini maglight keyring out and switch it on and off. Twice. (Actually the lights were fucking good, I'm just looking for comedy in a bad situation) Finally the night was apon us and we Al Rhys and myself found a little hotel lobby type area where we started to drink in moderation pints and brandy. Where, I hear you cry was the one of the many car accidents, that man whose ability to organise and cook breakfasts is so great that no razor can cut the hair on his chin? He was of course in deepest peru searching for the blade of Lewisio a blade that can shave a man so closely that his hairs never grow again (used once by its namesake Rhys Lewis) George was last seen tripping over his 18ft long beard while carrying a bag of tomatoes and saying 'theeeeese are what you want, off the vine!'. He was then punched by deiniol. So as Al, Ceri and Hammond took to the stage and were greeted by rapturous applause. Hammond had half a pint and a bottle of red wine, they were in for a rough ride. As it happens they absolutely rocked the joint and I want to personally give some sweet, sweet loving to all those crazy Lenton beasteos who cut shapes like only they and a select few tazmanian devils can. Of course the craziness really took hold afterwards. As the drink began to flow Rhys lewis took it upon himself to buy a drink, this drink cost him £8. One drink. The question asked by most was 'how?' and no man can answer. Of course this price was a shock to us all but apparently no one was as shocked as Rhys who went on to tell every single person there, 98% of whome he'd never met before. Suddenly it dawned on Rhys that he needed to be vertically enhanced, in other words he began climbing randow objects, the boy is mad. Lamp-posts and scaffolding alike became his personal missions. In a moment of craziness hammond discovered a load of posters of famous people which they used to inconspicuosly cover their equiptment (well what thief would be interested in a bunch of a2 posters of Sean Connery, James Dean and River Phoenix lying strangly on a bunch of expensive looking items?). Priceless. The story continues somewhat hazily for me, in fact I remember almost nothing. Apparently weed was smoked and people slept on other people's floors before being woken up by me and told to get they asses to my house and then we tried to get pizza but couldn't and instead got bread and put red cheese on it and then stuffed it fast and hard down our throats. I stole rhys' cheese and bread only to receive the insult that our Ant Powder could easily kill me. A good night's sleep was had by no-one. |
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