How To Eat Animal Crackers
An Instructional Essay For Your Enlightenment
By
T.C. Harris
(written July 1993, revised February 2000)
Many people believe that they know how to eat animal crackers (or more properly, cookies, since they are neither animals, nor crackers) -- As normally happens when one follows the crowd, these people are heading down a ruinous path. Most people haven't any idea, for truly, eating animal crackers is an art that few people are familiar with or master.
The WRONG Way:
Before one can truly appreciate the proper way of eating animal crackers, one must know the wrong way to eat them. Obviously, any way other than the correct way is wrong, but some are more wrong than others. The most common wrong way to eat them is what I call the Random Method. This method involves pulling animal crackers one by one from a bag or box or other container, such as a bowl, hand or Tupperware (tm) pretty much at random, regardless of the character of the cracker or the animal. This method is bad.... bad, Bad, BAD!!!!! It is the animal cracker-eating equivalent of the latest Phil Collins or Bryan Adams CD. BOOO-ring! But we are cooler than that. (and since you have found this web site, I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you're at least cool enough to deserve enlightenment)
The RIGHT Way:
In eating animal crackers properly, there is some flexibility. There are several methods you may use. However, the basic technique is the same for all of them. Rather than draw the crackers one by one from the container, there are basic steps.
1) Open the container (box, bag, etc.) of animal crackers.
2) Dump the contents of the box (or whatever) onto a flat surface. (table, plate,
desk, chair, etc.)
NOTE: dumping them onto the floor is not advisable. Animal crackers
don't taste as good if they have carpet lint, dirt or dust on them.)
3) Eliminate all broken or deformed animal crackers (eating them is fine).
4) Using an approved reduction technique, eat the animal crackers.
NOTE: You will notice that the proper way of eating animal crackers does not lend itself well to automobile travel. This is because animal crackers should NEVER be eaten while you're driving or in a car, operating heavy machinery or piloting aircraft.
Within the general category of the proper way to eat animal crackers, you have some choices. The reduction technique you use is up to you, but should fall into one of these basic categories:
1) The Food Chain: Eat the animal crackers according to their place in the food
chain. If you get stuck trying to figure out a conundrum such as, "which is higher
on the food chain, sheep or cows?" you may choose based on relative size. A
variation on this technique is simply to each each type of animal in its entirety
before moving on to the next group. I recently had a bag of animal crackers that
seemed to contain a disproportionate number of sheep and cats. As you eat, try
to figure out why this odd population mixture occurred.
2) Survival of the Fittest:
a) eat the animals according to relative size in nature.. (hence, an elephant
would ordinarily be saved for last.)
b) eat the animals according to relative cookie size.. (this can be
confusing, since in some brands of animal crackers, the cookies
are almost impossible to differentiate according to size.)
3) Tournament Mode:
This is my personal favorite way, and by far the most entertaining.
After eliminating the weak, injured and deformed animals, pile the
remaining animals in a heap on the table in front of you. Eyes closed,
choose two (2) at random. Once chosen, open your eyes. Then eat
whichever animal would likely lose a fight between the two.
Repeat until the animal crackers are gone. For example, if the two animals
are a dog and an elephant, my money's on the elephant. Conversely, if they
are a dog and a rabbit, I would pick the dog. Unless you're a complete
moron, or seriously drugged up or drunk, it should be a simple matter to
determine these matches to their logical conclusions.
NOTE: Some matches are difficult to mediate. For example, a fight
between a kangaroo and a cow could be a close thing.. and matches that
consist of two of the same animal may be mediated at your leisure.
Make up a story about the two camels who are forced to fight. Why are
they fighting? What are they doing here? Which has the superior moral
position? The possibilities are endless.
Now, many people may be thinking to themselves "why is this guy making such a
big deal? they're fucking ANIMAL CRACKERS for God's sake!!!" These people are obviously low-brow idiots. The purpose is clear. Critical and analytical thinking, in the development of a superior human race, is vital. By applying analysis and logic to a seemingly trivial and mundane thing, you not only encourage thinking, but you encourage the development of a sense of the analytical process being fun. So have fun with those animal crackers!!!!