On the Origins of the Cult of Secular Humanism and the
preachings, personages, and pomposity thereof.
Compiled at the behest of
His Holiness, Pope Sword I , Supreme Pontiff of Secular Humanism and Continually Rotating Perspective
The swirling eddies of reality swept round the soft gasses and small icy rocks and glowing hot rocks and big blobs of nuclear fusion, and yet there was something missing.... The cosmic forces, confused by this state of affairs decided in its infinite wisdom (and if you've ever seen a universal mind of infinite size, it should come as no surprise that it takes awhile to think a thought) the universe should have a focus... a foundation on which the wisdom of all that exists would be made manifest, and which all the dull creatures of dust and clay would have as a light to their very existence. Hence, after nearly 4 billion years, the forces of the universe chose the first Pontiff of Secular Humanism. Pope Sword I... well.. Pope Sword, I.
Ok, so much for the "official church line".. the year was 1986.. Ronald Reagan was president, the 3rd Incarnation of the Toasty-Fried Co-Op had not yet been started, but was in the works. Al Gore had already created the internet, but there was still no World Wide Web, and people were forced to communicate over Commodore 64 computers with 300 baud modems (the fancy-schmancy computer geeks had 1200 baud modems and the really wealthy ones had 2400 baud modems!!!) on things called BBSes (Bulletin Board Services).
Despite that, a young man by the name of Tom C. Harris was busily making his presence known (that is an inside joke for his brothers in DLP) on various FidoNet message boards, along with his brother Tim. Most of these boards in which the brothers were active were political in nature. (Harris' political activist phase had only recently come to a close.) In that year, some bone-headed federal judge in some backward christian fundy-dominated state declared in the most solemn of possible terms that "secular humanism" was a religion. In the often heated, sometimes silly, and sometimes illuminating brouhaha that followed on the message boards, the younger of the Harris brothers (Tom) said "well, if Secular Humanism is a religion, then I must be the Pope of it.." Much merriment ensued. At that point,"The Pope" was born... This became a signoff for Harris, and shortly afterward, he was berated by one of the channel's more notorious fundies for having a "holier than thou attitude"... Amused and tickled by this, Harris began signing his messages, "Holier Than Thou, The Pope" or simply, "Most Holy" -- This signature and title stuck, and was the germ of a legacy that has outlasted many a cultural fad or "trend" and many incernations of the "next new thing"....
Very soon after this, sometime in 1987, came the founding of the Toasty-Fried Co-Op in its 3rd Incarnation, and of course, the Harris brothers and Tom's wife were involved in the renaissance of the Toasty-Fry from a very early period. It was during this very early period of the Toasty that Tom became known almost exclusively as "The Pope", and his wife began, much to her chagrin at first, to be referred to as "Mrs. Pope"... This began much discussion on church hierarchy, and the first round of Papal Titles began to emerge.
The first titles to emerge from these discussions took place on a computer BBS called "Utopia" (run by a guy named Chris) and on one called "Bahamut's Lair", run by fellow Toasty-Fry member John Scott (aka Bahamut) .
The very first papal title was granted to Cham (short for Chameleon) Kinsley, who was appointed as "Vice-Pope" (that is, the Pope in charge of vice), and she has admirably maintained the dignity (or lack thereof) of the title faithlessly ever since. Next were created, in short order, "The Papal Page" (Bearer of the Papal Staff) (Nathan Kelly), "The Papal Pet" (Phill Greenland). "The Papal Enforcer" (Jamie Rolle), and Mrs. Pope gained the additional title "Architect of Hell". This line-up remained fairly stable for some time. Although many wished the honor of Papal honor, His Holiness resisted creating more.
After a time, it came to pass that the Toasties and connected personages had become dear to His Holiness' heart, and the first additional Papal Titles were granted.
They were created (hand-crafted, if you will) one at a time. With the exception of the first few Archbishops, they were changed or created gradually. The titles of "Papal Page" and "Papal Pet" changed several times before being allowed to lapse into inactivity. There are three essential ranks of Papal titles...His Holiness, of course, as Supreme Pontiff, retains an office and styling far above that of a Papal title. The three basic categories are:
1) The Papal Household
2) Archbishops
3) Masters, Matrons, and Mistresses
The current Papal Household consists of the following personages:
1) His Holiness, Sword I, Supreme Pontiff of Secular Humanism and
Continually Rotating Perspective (Tom C. Harris)
2) The Vice-Pope (Cham Kinsley)
3) The Architect of Hell (Della Boynton, the former Mrs.Pope)
4) The Papal Page (Nathan Kelly, Timothy Hughey) (now vacant)
5) The Papal Pet (Phill Greenland, Brett Spaulding, Ashoke Talukdar) (now vacant)
6) The Papal Enforcer (Jamie Rolle)
The official active list of Archbishops is as follows:
(in no particular order)
1) Archbishop of Innuendo and Sordid Silliness (Nathan Kelly)
2) Archbishop of the Arcane and Intimate Magic (Peter Kreutlein)
3) Archbishop of Extended Explanations (Tim Harris)
4) Archbishop of Music and Mayhem (Peter Van Den Eng)
5) Archbishop of Effervescence (Babycat LaBeau, aka Maryann Mueller)
6) Archbishop in Absentia (Randy Stack) (but only if he's not about)
7) Archbishop of Fuck-All (Vix Stack)
A fairly complete list of active Masters and Matrons, etc. is as follows:
1) Matron of Serenity (Della Boynton)
2) Matron of Competence and Confusion (Liz Schelper)
3) Mistress of Bovine Intervention (Liz Conant)
4) Master of Musical Enlightenment (Michael Griffin)
5) Masters of Military Madness (Chris Carpenter, Dan Streckfuss)
6) The Indecent Scribe of the (pending) Underworld (Gerald Young)
These lists are not necessarily 100% complete. They are subject to the failing of memory. I would appreciate any information of persons left off of the list inadvertantly from to my attention so that they can be added.