This is a little something my mate, Lawrence Bloomfield wrote a while back for a school project.
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Holiday Diary
Sunday 17/7/04
Today was disastrous. Today it rained so hard that a colossal mudslide destroyed all the cars in the car park and smashed all the windows on the lower floor. Terrible, the kitchen was on the first floor, along with the swimming pool, now filled with mud. Two of the staff died and seven were permanently injured. I nearly drowned in mud.
Monday 18/7/04
Today it was even worse, almost unrealistic. Crocodiles and Alligators escaped from the reptile house of the near by zoo and soon found their way to the lake. The Shipdham O.A.P’s Happy Wanderers Club, which was on a hiking tour, stopped for a swim. Soon the river was bright red and full of floating, severed, wrinkly limbs. Having finished off the entire party the crocs were heading towards the hotel area, only to be stopped at the last minute by Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter who, purely by coincidence was touring the area, signing his new book ‘Dennis the dingo goes to Wagga Wagga’.
Tuesday 19/7/04
A new and undiscovered variant of Green Monkey disease broke out. This disease brings on acute incontinence and bouts of sneezing, an unpleasant combination.
Wednesday 20/7/04
I was woken up very early by a loud ticking sound which I at first thought was a clock. However when I looked out of the window, a large cylindrical object was sticking out of the mud from the mudslide. On it the words ‘stick this one Adolph’ were written in white paint. It was a bomb. I raced down to the reception desk and told the manager that I had seen a bomb out of the window. He misheard me and thought I said ‘bum’, so he grabbed a towel to cover up whoever was exposing themselves. After some confusion with a lady applying sun tan lotion to her nether regions, he called the Austrian Bomb Disposal Squad. In the meantime the entire town had to be evacuated so no one had anything to eat or drink all day.
Thursday 21/7/04
I had booked myself on a bus tour of famous Austrian yodeller’s birthplaces, but got on the wrong bus. I found myself sitting amongst forty-four members of the Rolf Harris Stylaphone Appreciation Society. For the next three hours they all played ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport,’ all at different tempos and not one stylaphone in tune with another. I was getting more and more annoyed but had not realised how bad things could get. After we had stopped for a bite of lunch, all my fellow travellers put on false beards and glasses and played ‘two little boys’, singing along, for the three hour journey back. “Join in cobber,” they kept saying to me in pretend Australian accents. Eventually I had to insist that the coach drop me off and I intended to walk back to the hotel on my own. Unfortunately, as the coach pulled away, a large wobble board which had been strapped onto the luggage rack broke free, hitting me just below both knees and crippling me. I eventually managed to stop a passing motorist who took me to hospital.
Friday 22/7/04
Woke up in hospital with my legs heavily bandaged. I was surrounded by the entire Rolf Harris Stylaphone Appreciation Society complete with stylaphones. They were all wearing overcoats and each had three legs. They were singing and playing ‘Jake the Peg’. Every so often one would say, “feeling crook cobber?” then someone would say, “she’ll be apples”. After a time I managed to crawl out of bed, crawl between the Rolfs and find a wheelchair. I propelled myself out of the hospital front door. It was at this point that I realised that the hospital was on top of a mountain.
Sunday 24/7/04
Woke up in the Norfolk and Norwich University hospital having been flown back unconscious from Austria. I had been found amongst the tangled wreckage of a wheelchair in the foothills of the Alps by the Von Trapp family and a lonely goatherd.
My best holiday yet.
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